How to Cope With Loneliness at the Holidays (Especially After Divorce)

Are you alone for Christmas or New Year’s, wondering how you will cope with holiday week? I’ve been there. Are you remembering years past when your life felt fuller? I’ve been there, too. It’s a lonely place. Wretchedly lonely. Especially after divorce.

I have several suggestions and reminders for anyone who finds himself or herself in this painful place. And I will start with this. If you’re lonely, you’re in good company — and increasingly so — as roughly one in two (first) marriages is a casualty of divorce, and that aside, contemporary culture conspires to keep many of us apart — even if we have family and friends. Complicating matters: Those in the know contend that social media, now such an integral part of our daily lives, can exacerbate loneliness rather than easing it. But more on that in a moment.

Understanding that you are not alone in your loneliness, so to speak, may not bring much comfort on Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, or New Year’s. In fact, it may seem like very slight solace when loneliness is piercing. For me, this particular loneliness was most acute for the first five years or so following divorce when I found myself celebrating the December holidays or welcoming a new year on my own.

Now, that may not be the case this holiday season — my millennial sons are with me — but that hasn’t always been the case. Nor will it be in the future. And I’m simply being realistic saying as much.

Loneliness Is Intensified at the Holidays

At the holidays and on special occasions, “normal” loneliness is intensified. Those looking from the outside in may not realize just how alone you feel, particularly if you’ve mastered the gracious smile (and a little useful subject matter evasion). However, we now know how damaging loneliness can be. Scientists tell us that loneliness is bad for our health, and not just our mental health.

Here’s the thing. Loneliness comes in a wide range of flavors. Personally, I know what it is to be married and lonely even before my marital troubles were brewing, though technically one might say that isn’t being “alone” for the holidays (or any other time). But it’s a dreadful feeling, and a committed relationship that is chilly on the inside can be an abysmal emotional space to inhabit.

I also know what it is to be newly divorced and lonely, or for that matter, divorced many years and still feeling a terrible ache for what once was, what you once hoped would be, or what you counted on creating in your new life though you just aren’t there yet.

Strangely, I recently relived an unsettling bout of blues as images of “married holidays” came flooding back — despite the fact that I’ve been divorced for more than a decade. While divorce is not a failure in my book, I nonetheless experienced the same wrenching pangs of parental guilt and anguished loss as in the earliest years after my marriage ended — when all I could do was try to muddle through those post-divorce holidays.

Even now I recall how three of us (rather than four) felt lopsided. Though I attempted to smile my way through it, harder still was putting children on a plane and sending them off to their new “family” my ex had created — so quickly. The self-recrimination, the “what if” and “if only,” the heartache, the brokenness, the whole-body sense of rejection — not just the loneliness — seemed unendurable. But we do endure it. We force ourselves through the motions of everyday life. We focus on our children. We focus on what is good and there is always something good to be discovered. We get up each morning and work to be better, to do better, to feel better. To not feel so alone.

I also know what it is to break up — shall I say, to be dumped? — heading into the holiday season, stunned at the after effects, and finding yourself staring at a tangled wire of Christmas lights unable to function, and staring at an equally grieving dog. Worse still, putting on a pleasant face for confused and grieving children.

No Kids and Wish You Had Some? Kids Too Far Away to Come Home?

I know what it is to be an empty nester with grown children too far (or too busy) to come “home” — wherever that might be — “their” home or a place you’ve since relocated to. (Haven’t we been there when we were their age?)

And I have friends who don’t have kids (or a significant other or spouse), some of whom acutely feel the pangs of not having had children.

If you’re already operating on a seriously solo basis in your living or working situation? (Yes, yes, as a freelance, home-based worker, I’m one of those and subject to bouts of intense isolation that can take its toll.)

When you see others (as represented on Facebook, Instagram, or other social media) all engaging in festivities and (seemingly) happily paired off you just might start to feel pretty woeful.

You see images of their parties, their clothes, their accessories, their décor, their vacations, their spouses, their partners, their bodies (!). You can only imagine their passionate love lives, their constant contentment, their superior security with themselves and in their lives.

Sheesh. Even their pets look spiffier than yours!

Listen… the ubiquitous universe of smarts and style that we spin on social media is terrific, but much of it is staged. You know that. So stop comparing and coming up short! That doesn’t mean there aren’t some wildly blissful (and talented) people to enjoy reading, viewing, and getting to know online or in real life. That doesn’t mean there aren’t laudable lifestyles to aspire to. It doesn’t mean that reading and looking isn’t fun. Fabulous fun in fact. But we all have issues. We all have problems to face. We all deal with lonely times at some point in our lives.

Empathy and Sympathy

If you’re feeling lonely this week or next, I get it. I get all of it, or nearly. If you’ve been lonely at the holidays in the past and can act on your empathy (or sympathy) for someone who seems disheartened to be on their own, do something about it — even last minute. Call them! Invite them! Drop them a note!

As for me, I especially understand how lonely it is at the holidays when you’re in starting-over mode (in a new place where you haven’t yet established a real-world group of friends, where you have no family, and you’ve only scratched the surface when it comes to possible acquaintances). I get how lonely it is when you’re already dealing with challenges you’re trying to sort out (financial, medical, work-related, mental health). I get how doubly difficult it can be to manage your mood when you set expectations for yourself that may be unrealistic. Unrealistic in the best of circumstances! And (unhelpfully) heightened by superficial social media spreads that seem to cultivate comparisons to a life that doesn’t resemble yours.

Yes, it’s worth repeating that one.

So what has helped me in the past? What might help you? What do the “experts” say can help you cope with loneliness at the holidays?

What Lies Beneath Pain?

When I read this Psychology Today blog on loneliness I learned something I never fully grasped previously. What often underlies loneliness is a sense of rejection. You’re somehow “not good enough” for others to extend a hand, or for grown children to fly home to see you, or for a potential romantic partner to make you integral in his or her life.

I’ve been thinking about this notion and subsequently seeing some of my own loneliest periods in a new light. Was I isolating myself further by not proactively planning to be with people at the holidays? Was it out of a fear of rejection? Or worse — was my reticence the result of a sense of shame that I wasn’t somehow sufficiently loved to have already been included in someone’s holiday plans?

Was pride — misplaced pride — keeping me from some new adventure? From a few enjoyable hours with acquaintances if not old friends? From a serendipitous encounter that I couldn’t begin to anticipate? Must we really shame and blame ourselves mercilessly when we fall into less than (self-perceived) successful, shiny, enviable circumstances?

The Psychology Today post further explains:

… studies clearly show that loneliness makes us underestimate the extent to which those around us care about us as we are likely to view our friends and friendships more negatively than we should. Even if we’re skeptical about [an invitation], we should assume the person who invites us is happy to have us (otherwise they would not have extended the invitation in the first place). Spending the holidays with friends, even if not the closest friends, is far better than spending them alone and miserable…

That all feels familiar to me. Does it to you? And yet taking this advice, if we let (pointless) pride or self-pity get in the way, may seem harder than dealing with a day alone.

Can’t we do better than that? Can’t we remind ourselves how often we create anxiety or a false (negative) self-image only to be dispelled once we’re out and enjoying a good time?

Coping Strategies for Loneliness

As I consider this issue, I realize that my coping strategies for holiday loneliness intersect with my methods for comforting someone who is stressed. In my experience, stress is a close cousin to loneliness in its damaging physical impacts, and using stress-coping techniques to battle the alone-again blues — on oneself — can be quite effective.

Like my comfort-giving strategies that I would use for myself or a friend, I tend toward activity-oriented means to reshape my mood and sense of self in a bad (lonely) moment. Among these strategies:

• Get some exercise — outside in the fresh air if possible is best.
• Delight yourself with an “indulgence” food. (A nice hit of dopamine-rich chocolate — just not to excess.)
• Enjoy a taste of nature — even a half hour sitting in a park or garden (however brisk!), or watching the birds out your window.
• Talking — and listening — a quick phone call or Facetime session on a holiday can remind you that you’re missed.
• Seek out a tried-and-true source of humor (crazy cat videos, Charlie Chaplin films, SNL reruns, the year’s political cartoons online). Laughter is very healthy!
• Do something sentimental — just don’t fall over the edge of nostalgia into regret or sorrow or self-pity. (Leafing through photo albums does the trick for me. Baby pictures of my boys always make me smile.)
• Cue your creative side — writing, painting, making music (and yes, decorating or redecorating a table or mantel).
• Take action in the service of something you care about (volunteer, research a volunteering activity for the upcoming year.)
• Remember: Giving to someone else feels good — whether a gift you hand-make, a gift you lovingly choose, a gift of your time or talent or compassion — and it reminds us we’re part of something larger and not quite so alone as we may think.

Is Access an Obstacle? Is Money an Impediment?

Given the accessibility of the online world, even if we find ourselves physically isolated (and thus unable to join others in person), consider these options, often achieved with very small amounts of money if any:

• Take an online class in something exotic — or view free YouTube how-to videos and learn… Not only does this pass the time pleasantly, but sometimes, this process can open up a whole new passion!
• Donate to an organization that helps feed your neighbors in your immediate community, your country, or overseas. (This is a great reminder of how good we have it, generally, in the “western” world.)
• Use GoFundMe.com to research and give to a cause that touches your heart. Do take the time to vet vet vet!
• Consider writing letters to our military men and women. Look into an organization like Operation Gratitude or similar and give the gift of your words and care packages to those whose protection we too often take for granted. Keep active duty, vets, and their family members in mind.
• Give to a non-profit, and similarly, take your time reading and researching. Be sure to use a site like Charity Navigator to make sure the cause is legitimate, that funds are predominantly directed to the organization’s purpose and not (unduly) to overhead, and so on.

To Decorate or Not to Decorate. That Is the Question.

So what about decorating if you’re on your own — whether for the December holidays or even setting aside a good wine to welcome the New Year? Do you consider yourself “worthy” of enjoying twinkling lights or a greenery-laden mantel or a pretty, red-ribboned, ornamented tree?

What if a few candy canes or ornaments in a wine glass could do the trick?

For me, not decorating is not an option. The one time I didn’t decorate when I was on my own, my spirits plummeted. (And last minute, I managed to roust some red baubles from the back of a closet and greenery from the back of my overrun garden, both of which lightened my mood immeasurably.)

Why is this so effective?

For one thing, colors alter mood. Similarly, other sensory triggers can turn dismal moments into delicious ones. (My recent pomander ball activity — poking a few cloves into oranges — released such an intoxicating scent that I felt quite giddy! I walk by my modest pomander balls frequently and just breathe deeply. The sensation is marvelous.)

Other sensory pleasures?

Now, come on. You know that a few cookies this time of year won’t ruin your life. And if you’re like me, you’ve already drifted away from your more usual healthy diet. Personally, I find baking to be creative, and I do enjoy my own goodies. Just as much — making something sweet for neighbors, including those I may not know very well. Isn’t that an excellent way to meet new people in your building or on your block?

I have one final suggestion. While it doesn’t always work, it is certainly worth a try. It is a simple, classic, long held approach to regaining perspective in any season. And it is this: Count your blessings, even on the days it’s hard. And that is a reminder for me as much as it is a recommendation for you.

On that note, I’m about to close up my laptop and enjoy my young men while they are here. Meanwhile…

… From my little tap-tap-tapping device to yours, my heartfelt appreciation for visiting, commenting and caring. Not just about me, but about others who share their thoughts here. I wish you all a joyous and peaceful holiday season.

 

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• Serendipity… Or Why You Need to Get Off the Island

• ‘Twas the Day Before Christmas and All Through the House…