Throughout the bumpy road of my childhood, the notion of being helpful was a constant. As a girl being raised in the 1960s, I was trained to be a flexible and supportive partner, trained not to disagree with my elders or authority figures, and trained to be pleasing to others. And as an adult woman, the notion of asking “how can I help?” is routine.
Asking how one can help, to me, is about being a good, kind, decent person. But I also see it as a fundamental aspect of how I was raised from girlhood to womanhood.
I see it as both an asset and a liability.
Watching the Kavanaugh hearings last week, something more than what you might expect stuck in my craw. It is the concept of a woman being “helpful” and more — deferential, even solicitous — characteristics we saw in Dr. Christine Blasey Ford.
Now, each of these behaviors have their place and may be part of Dr. Ford’s natural demeanor; it was impossible not to notice the number of times she said she wanted to be helpful to the process of evaluating Judge Kavanaugh’s suitability for the Supreme Court. While Dr. Ford’s use of the term “helpful” may have been pronounced, how unusual is that desire to assist? How many of us — women — have been taught to conduct ourselves in the most “helpful” manner possible as a means of being praised, valued, accepted or simply tolerated?
There have been many discussions over the years, discussions I have participated in here, to do with the expectations of a woman’s comportment to succeed in an organization. We contrast this with what are effective methods for our male counterparts. Anger displayed by a man is often considered justified and appropriate not to mention useful, which we saw last week; the same type of response from a woman is typically seen as overly emotional, inappropriate, and damaging to whatever point she is trying to make. (Beyond partisan impressions and late-night comedy, we will see if this bears out relative to the Kavanaugh situation.)
These discussions of the narrow lane in which a woman can navigate as far as her presentation of information, opinion or decisions often deal with leadership — at the boardroom table or on the political stump. However, there are far more tentacles than those that wriggle through organizational or even political life. There are more pervasive repercussions than the potentially detrimental longterm earning impacts for women — which is not to dismiss the importance of this issue.
There is the way that we lead our lives. There are the daily compromises we make in our relationships. There is the slow, subtle wearing down of the exercise of our will, the process of setting aside our own best interests, the muting of our own voices as the practice of people pleasing exerts its power.
This is an opinion born of my experience and observations over my lifetime; you may have a different opinion and experience, of course. If you are of a different generation — a younger generation — perhaps you feel differently. But I worry about the extent to which women are still conditioned to please others, knowing that small “deferrals” to keep the peace may accumulate over and become a pattern of people pleasing.
People pleasers struggle to say no. People pleasers set aside their immediate needs, emotional and otherwise, even if pressing. They do so in order to not rock the boat, in order to be liked, in order to be accepted, tolerated, loved.
Watching the hearings last week, I was reminded of this issue of people pleasing, of the avid desire to be helpful, of the selection of “helper” roles that women choose or are channeled into in their careers — frequently low paying roles. Even those of us who take the once typically male route — hard-charging full-time professions — may find ourselves carrying a disproportionate load of the logistical support activities once we are parents. Our marital expectations (and agreements) may have been otherwise at the outset, and yet, and yet, and yet…
Part of the reason that Dr. Ford was seen as so compelling and credible is, no doubt, that she did not come across as angry, bitter or in any way threatening.
On the contrary.
Sure, Judge Kavanaugh was bellicose and bombastic at times, as well as emotional. Many would say with good reason. Meanwhile, Dr. Ford was soft-spoken and even guileless in an almost childlike manner as she requested clarifications, as she hoped to be “collegial” in what many may have seen as an adversarial proceeding, and even in the way she asked for some caffeine. Her unguarded communication style seemed to reveal not only candor but a kind of blind trust as she was being questioned by the prosecutor.
All that aside, it is Dr. Ford’s repeated use of the term “helpful” that sticks with me in an odd way. That tendency and that word remind me of my own history. That tendency and that word remind me that women are (too?) frequently helpers, (too?) frequently team members, (too?) frequently standing behind someone more prominent and not taking credit for their contributions.
Of course we need people in support roles! Of course we need strong team members! Of course we need caregivers and exceptional teachers and communities of people who reach out to each other in generous ways! I believe in helping. I believe in sharing. I believe in service. I do not wish in any fashion to discount the value of these essential human traits, behaviors, and the value systems they exemplify that I believe in. That said, the issues of gender conditioning that arise in this discussion concern me deeply. I would like to think that women are weaning themselves — ourselves — from the perpetual pleaser or helper role. And while I prefer “collegial” to bombastic any day, I wonder how many more generations it will take before the need for this conversation wanes, much less disappears.
As always, I welcome your thoughts.
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It stuck in my craw as well. What you saw on display were two sides of the same kind of upbringing, I think. I’m not sure about hers, but he is definitely the product of being raised as someone who had every advantage and was entitled to pursue and achieve a certain career track. His rage and emotion at any roadblocks — not to mention the chronic lying about things that had nothing to do with Ford’s allegations — was a display that I had seen before: Exhibited by certain workplace managers/executives when confronted with their own bad behavior.
The contrast between these two could not have been more stark. And I agree with you that what one might euphemistically refer to as “deflecting“ on his part is increasingly obvious as lying.
Presumably, Dr. Ford grew up in similar privilege given the school she attended, though of course we don’t know anything (to my knowledge) about her parents and what went on in her household. Again in contrast, we have Judge Kavanaugh‘s stories of his parents, including of his mother, who sounds like an impressive woman, certainly.
I believe the mix of ingredients that defines us as people, and the extent to which we grow and evolve over the years, is very complex. That is hardly a scoop. But those traces of privilege are indeed quite evident in him whereas they are not in her, not in so far as the public performances we have seen to date.
Having attended prestigious universities myself, a mention I include only to give credence that I have exposure to both men and women in these “lofty” academic environments, nearly everyone I interacted with in those environments was down to earth and real and substantive. I cannot imagine them repeating over and over again that they attended such and such Ivy League college as a means to refute whether or not they overdid it at happy hour (or worse).
That too strikes me as very odd. Not gender oriented, but odd.
Sexual predators aside, I have worked with so many men who were yellers. It was their way of proving they cared–although they didn’t care enough to ensure a job was well done by actually participating or supervising. Instead, they just showed their disapproval when things when wrong. They were never helpful, but they were only too happy to be judgmental. Their hot tempers didn’t get them any respect from their underlings (nor from me, at their same level), but it certainly played well to the (male) bosses above them, who were never too involved with how the sausage was made either.
The women (myself included) would be all practical–don’t yell over spilled milk, do something to fix the situation, like x, y or z. Helpful.
In retrospect, the women were being responsible and by default assuming responsibility for problems (even when not of their own making) but not getting authority. The men were assuming authority without taking responsibility. Guess which pays better.
I wish that would change. I wish women AND men would be listened to for the content of their messages instead of for how they deliver them.
Excellent observations!
BRAVO TASTE OF FRANCE!
Dr. FORD lives 45 minutes from me……. I loved it when she asked for a coffee!
He on the other hand had GUILT written all over his FACE!
I hope she can get on with her LIFE!
XX