Messaging with a potential date you’ve never met. Chatting on the phone with a potential date you’ve never met. Exchanging photos with a potential date you’ve never met. (Careful, now… Don’t show too much!) And then, maybe…
A coffee date, a drink date, a dinner date, or… nothing.
Maybe you’re not interested. Maybe he or she isn’t interested. Maybe you find yourself ghosted. Maybe you do the ghosting. Or maybe you relive your wretched adolescent years, as you find yourself stood up.
Dating Doldrums, Relationship Goals
Feeling ambivalent about dating? Join the crowd. I have dipped a toe (a foot, a leg) in and out of the dating pool over the past dozen years or so, stayed out entirely for five or six years, and have dipped back in again over the past few months. But I find myself dealing with dating ambivalence on a regular basis. I’m not sure if it’s because I’ve yet to encounter anyone who really piques my interest, or if it is something about me, my current priorities, and my current constraints.
But don’t we all want complicity with someone special? Or do we find that the cons involved in relationships outweigh the pros, based on timing or other circumstances?
Are we potentially just as happy in friendship and family groups? Is the occasional lover or flirtation enough to satisfy our other needs?
I used to wonder if I had aged out of dating altogether, not just online dating, but any sort of potential romantic engagement. That, to the best of my knowledge, was seven or more years ago. And while I know that I had not then, I’m asking myself the question again, all these years later.
How Do You Envision Your Next Years?
Sometimes I can easily imagine spending the rest of my life alone. Sometimes, that very thought is inconceivable. Not only is it impractical as we grow older, but it seems like such a waste when you truly enjoy spending time with a partner.
So where does that leave me — or you — or anyone dealing with a similar scenario? If opportunities for real-world, impromptu meetings are few, and online dating, whatever your age, feels like a bust, then what? Carry on with a smile? Eat chocolate and give up?
What if you’re still young enough for the online approach, but you aren’t interested in Tinder or Grindr or hook-up culture? Not as a goal in and of itself, and not as a means to a relationship end?
Are our Millennials as stymied in search of sustainable, substantive relationships?
Not So Easy, Even When You’re Young?
Does dating successfully seem like an impossible task — even if you’re 30 or 35? And if you’re 45 or 55 or 65, do you feel like it’s too late?
Now, I know at least one person who would say it’s never too late. (She left a glowing and inspiring message on my Facebook page about her delicious romance at 70. Brava!)
As for online dating, as much as it can be amusing — and it is — it can also be frightening and demoralizing. Oh, the ridiculous profiles! Oh, the clueless messages! Oh, the scammers and the schemers! And then you finally agree to speak to someone on the phone (or meet) — and they’re beyond boring, beyond bizarre, or beyond arriving at the designated coffee shop.
My most recent experience? Let’s see… my profile paints a realistic picture of me, emphasizing a love of words, books, art, conversation, French, and a decidedly nerdy, indoorsy streak. And despite my intermittent bluster here, I’m pretty much a gentle soul. So who do I hear from? Hikers! Bikers! Hunters! Confronters! Hello? Can you read? (And I don’t even mean what’s between the lines.)
If I were outdoorsy, I would say so. I admire outdoorsy, but it isn’t moi. And if I’m surrounded by books in my picture, isn’t that also a clue?
Maybe I’m Too Old. Maybe I’m Too Grumpy.
Ambivalence? Perhaps dating ambivalence is born out of discouragement. (I was stood up for the first time in my life about three months ago. By a 63-year-old man. Really?!?)
Perhaps dating ambivalence is born out of frustration. (All those virtual missives that say “Hey Baby” and nothing else, or “Hi” and nothing else, or offer unsolicited body parts (please, show me anything else…))
Perhaps dating ambivalence is born out of reality — or a perception of reality — the impression that everyone looks so old, too old, and they’re all exactly my age. I can only imagine I’m “too old” to them as well. Hell, I think I agree with them.
And then there are logistical considerations. I’m tired. I’m grumpy. (Not a good combination.) And I no longer live in an area that is geographically proximate to activities I enjoy, which would be activities attracting others I might have something in common with. (Emily Dickinson, move over. Maybe I can survive as poetry-penning recluse?)
Take My Own Advice? (Not Likely)
Were I advising a friend (and not myself), no doubt, I would be upbeat! I would say this: “Meet everyone who seems sane… but do so safely.” Actually, that is the sort of advice I would also give my Millennial sons (single), their Millennial friends (single), and a beautiful, smart, sassy 30-something (single) friend of mine who also doesn’t seem to meet eligible guys.
And let’s not forget that safety is a serious issue. Most of us didn’t need #MeToo to understand the slippery slope of sexual aggression.
As for yours truly, I wonder if I will be able to cook up more energy for socializing when the weather warms up, or if my ambivalence will remain.
The thing is, I genuinely enjoy the company of men. The energy in our differences. And I miss intimacy, emotional intimacy more than anything else.
Ambivalent? You bet. What about you?
You May Also Enjoy
You have to read this book: Le Coeur n’a pas de rides, by Marina Rozenman. It’s in French, but an easy read for an advanced beginner French speaker (and you’re beyond that). All about folks who found love late in life–much later than you!
I haven’t dated for a long time, thank goodness, but it seemed then and seems still when I see others that the deck is stacked against women. Guys will aim for women much, much younger than they are, and not give a second thought to women who are the same age or even just a little younger. Of course, such guys are not exactly good partner material, by definition. But it seems there are some who would be more open-minded if societal pressure weren’t on them to score a trophy.
I think being set up by friends is the best–your friends can screen out weirdos for you.
Good luck!
I will see if I can dig it up, Madame Taste. Merci !
Loved your article, thank you for sharing. I moved to a new state for a fresh start and I still can’t muster up the desire for dating yet (I guess being hurt makes it harder). It’s hard to believe there is anyone out there worthy of me giving up my time and space for right now. My daughter always says he won’t come knocking on your door! Oh well when the time is right I suppose I’ll know.
Thank you for stopping by to read and comment. It ain’t easy, is it, especially when you are in a brand new place starting over. But hey, giving up entirely doesn’t seem very wise, even if proactive pursuits seem out of reach temporarily.
(Your daughter sounds like my sons.)
Please do stop by again!
Really can relate to your dating frustration- I was divorced 10 yrs ago at age 45 and have struggled on and off with dating ever since- sometimes taking a year or more off at a time. I tried an expensive local match-making service, meet up groups and a variety of online dating sites with no rewarding outcome.
I include a variety of photos both up close and full body photos in my online dating profiles and spend a lot of time describing what I’m like and what I’m looking for specifically in a man.
Like you describe- I get attention online from those who love camping, outdoors, obsessed with sports etc – all activities that I despise and am currently living in Columbus, OH which gets so cold!!! When I lived in AZ and CO the outdoors had beautiful scenery and milder temps, so it was much more bearable.
I have always been truthful about my age in my online profiles and specified I don’t want to date someone in their sixties or seventies. (I plan to work in real estate and divorce guidance for at least 15 more years and don’t want someone retiring soon to be with long term.)
However, every male online above 70 seems to click on my profile and wink and the guys in their fifties rarely do (they must prefer younger women)
I also have issues with guys who have been divorced 2-3 or more times already in their 50s- and/or are recently separated or haven’t done enough ME work after their own divorces. I was significantly hurt in 2 relationships with men who weren’t emotionally available after divorce when they abruptly bailed on me with no notice a few months into our relationships. It appears that men re-marry much more often than women do from the guys I’ve met from online.
I was recently active on online dating sites yet just got off them again completely.
I am focusing on my emotional and physical health right now, my work goals and trying to buy my own home after 10 yrs of paying high rent.
Maybe I’ll move to a warmer area in a few years and try dating there. Right now I can’t take anymore uncertainty or rejection with dating on the plate I’m dealing with now. I know for certain that I won’t end up an old lady living alone with cats!!!
I can totally relate to everything you’re saying, Nancy Kay. And the serial remarriers… yup. Not to mention the 25-year-olds looking to nail “an older woman.”
No thanks.
I also relate to much of your post, Nancy Kay. I am 58 and will consider men up to ten years older. I think many men in their 50’s are married and raising kids. I used to think that multiple marriages were a red flag to avoid. And there is some merit in that, however, I realized that as we age, we are going to have more relationships accumulated than when we were younger. A mid-life man could have never married or married only once but could have had several long-term relationships. So now I take that with a grain of salt and try to discern what happened in all significant, previous relationships they’ve had. Of course, that’s difficult as you get the subjective view and have little to corroborate it with. I have gone as far as contacting a previous lover when I was suspicious.She was very gracious and met with me and shared her experience with him in a respectful way. It matched my suspicions and we have become friends, meeting regularly for other reasons. I am keeping focused on finding a mate because the “clock is ticking”. At least if I do not succeed, I will know that I tried and not have that regret. Thanks for sharing!
Fabulous article as usual, DA! And so timely for me as I’ve been going through this for ~the past 4 years. I was married for 34 years to a good man and I’m realizing that more and more everyday as I try to navigate the complexities of dating in mid-life. I do miss that unique relationship that I have found cannot be replaced any other way. I am happy with my life other than missing a partnered relationship.
I’ve been taking notes for several months, thinking of starting a women’s mid-life dating group that would focus on women helping women with this subject. It’s quite a different dating scene than when I last dated in my early 20’s. I was married at 22 to my college boyfriend. I think women can be supportive and share our combined experiences.
I mentioned my idea to a male friend and he said that it sounded good and added that some males have it just as tough. He mentioned a progressive dating site that he heard about but hasn’t tried. I googled it to learn more and it sounds more promising than the usual dating sites: http://www.MeetMindful.com
One thing I have been doing to increase my odds of meeting someone is that I force myself to get out of the house. I can be perfectly happy at home doing all sorts of things…alone. I’m never going to meet any romantic interest or even women friends if I stay home. What do they say, “Nothing ventured, nothing gained”?
Will follow all comments, thanks, Ruthie
Ruthie, you raise an important point about those who have been married and divorced more than once. One of the things I think it is vital to look at is the amount of time between marriages. Constant rebound relationships and the fear of being alone, to me, are red flags more than the actual number or duration of marriages, especially as one gets older.
But you do have to wonder about the judgment of someone who has married and divorced over and over and over again, with little time between marriages. Likewise, someone who has gone from relationship to relationship to relationship and so on.
Good points to keep in mind, DA, thanks!
After twenty-eight years of marriage, most of them troublesome, I made the decision to legally end it. It was one of the best days of my life. I remember walking out of the courtroom smiling; I had a new life in front of me and I couldn’t wait to begin it. I was free and I’m still free. Dating didn’t present a dilemma for me…I knew I would never remarry…not out of bitterness, disappointment, or fear, but because I knew I didn’t need a man to complete my life. I don’t want to live up to someone’s expectations, nor do I want them to struggle with mine. I enjoy dating when I’m in the company of a man I find interesting. But, I don’t need to date to feel happy. A wonderful circle of close friends, both male and female, make that possible.
As for online dating, I know several women, over fifty, who have met men online, that have resulted in very satisfying and loving relationships. Yet, they would be the first to admit they had a number of disappointing encounters before meeting partners they considered “keepers”.
Dating at any age is complicated, yet I feel maturity gives us an advantage that the young haven’t had the experience and opportunity to develop. I guess I would say it is important to know yourself…to be honest about needs and expectations. And, with a smile and an open heart be open to meeting new people and making new friends.
Thanks for your perspective and wisdom Angela. I think it makes a difference on how one feels about relationships after divorce depending on their marriage experience. Those of us who had very good marriages tend to want to repeat that unique intimacy. I have a wonderful full life now and it will take a lot for me to change it. But I would in a heartbeat if the right man came along, because for me, something is missing. The right relationship isn’t critical to my happiness but it certainly would enhance it if it happened. I agree with your last paragraph as just getting out and about experiencing fun moments is enjoyable in and of itself.
Ruthie, I completely agree with you…the right man makes all the difference!
D.A., I enjoyed reading your post. I wondered how your online experience was going! I also have mixed feelings as I muddle through the communications and complicated emotions of navigating life single in my late 50’s in today’s society.
I think that I certainly would be open hearted to nurturing a relationship with a new acquaintance to learn if there may be a mutual benefit of a shared life partnership. There’s so much to consider! While I’m fine with my single life, I wonder if there is a connection that would add to the quality of life. There are pros and cons to both living single or paired.
I look forward to reading more of your future adventures!
If your divorce is relatively easy, kids are fine and income isn’t impacted, it would be easier to relax and date; I still find myself too uptight but that is easing, my kids are finished school, I’m not financially tethered to my ex-wife anymore but my other issue is over the last (cough) ten years, I’ve essentially planned my life being alone. I’ve worked towards financial goals that are for me, I’ve renovated a home the way I want it done, quit a well paying position to build a new company because looking forward to work everyday is important to me, and basically embrace that I’m living my life for myself finally, not my parents, my wife, or my kids. Reaching this threshold and changing the thought pattern that got me through these years will require work on my part. I’m definitely ambivalent about dating but like you, working towards changing that state.
Baticcus, I think you are a man with much thoughtfulness and wisdom. I’m am curious of your age and what draws you to change the thought pattern that would require work on your part? I suppose, I’m interested to learn why you would take that leap of faith in dating again, especially when you have worked 10 years to achieve the untethering for the sake of freedom of relationships?
I feel I must be so guarded to trust a man’s intention that I find myself running away from potential admirers, especially when I hear the words “I’m attracted to you” upon first meeting a new acquaintance when there hasn’t been enough communication to know much of anything about me; who I am or what I want in life. I never know how to respond to that statement.
Any thoughts from you or other men might assist women in our feelings in which we have become so guarded.
I wish you well in your transition.
I’m in my fifties. The last ten years were not planned intentionally, I’m only seeing what happened in retrospect; I was reacting and focused on keeping my head above water financially mostly. There was always something next to work on and my personality lends itself to solving problems. Being guarded is something I’m guilty of also, coming out of my divorce, my guard is up when it comes to marriage or a common-law relationship and that comes from the financial damage I suffered and cannot afford to happen again. Reconciling that caution with letting things unfold is difficult for me and part of what I need to review. This is all tough stuff to consider, divorce can be damaging.
You’ve dropped in here for many years, Batticus, off and on. I understand, as I think you know, that when divorce is complex (more than the “usual” complex), with long-term, multi-year ripple effects that are significant, the thought of potentially going through it all again is daunting. And of course, some of us don’t feel so compelled to marry when we’ve been there, done that, and the aftereffects have been, as you say, damaging.
I do like to think, though, that love isn’t entirely impossible. Maybe that little thought somewhere in my brain serves to keep me “caring” about things that I otherwise wouldn’t.
I know women who feel this way — guarded following complicated divorces or relationships that leave them struggling to survive, financially and emotionally. But like TD, I’m glad to hear what men think, since I don’t have “access” to the unguarded 50+ male viewpoint on these subjects.
Baticcus, I want to thank you for taking the time to your reply to me. Certainly, I found this sharing of experiences very helpful as I hope others reading will too. I agree that divorce can be damaging and devastating, both financially and emotionally. I will share that has been my experience as well. Perhaps that is part of my guarded feelings. Thank you, again.
Yes, it has been a few years for me, I keep checking in for your writing and hoping that you’ll announce a guided food/art trip to France for readers 🙂
I have two male friends that have remarried in the last year with similar divorce stories to mine, they both tell me that all it takes is meeting the right woman so there is hope that love isn’t entirely impossible.
Almost 4 years have passed since I posted the above comments; hopefully this finds DAW and TD doing well. Financially things are going well, the decision back then to work at another startup panned out well this summer when we were able to sell a majority of the company and recoup our investments and earn some payback on the hard work of the last few years. I’m much more relaxed now at work, it is somebody else’s responsibility to grow the company so that is a nice threshold to reach.
Dating-wise, I have a friend that I enjoy spending time with now and she experienced many of the same things I did in her divorce so there is understanding in our respective situations. For now things are fine but it remains to be seen whether she will be satisfied with the future maintaining separate residences and marriage being off the table. That part of my caution hasn’t left me unfortunately but so far so good.
Take care.
I came upon this poem in my reading time today. I wanted to share it here with you all as inspiration because it is beautiful.
Poem, “A Marriage” by Michael Blumenthal.
You are holding up a ceiling
with both arms. It is very heavy,
but you must hold it up, or else
it will fall down on you. Your arms
are tired, terribly tired,
and, as the day goes on, it feels
as if either your arms or the ceiling
will soon collapse.
But then,
unexpectedly,
something wonderful happens:
Someone,
a man or a woman,
walks into the room
and holds their arms up
to the ceiling beside you.
So you finally get
to take down your arms.
You feel the relief of respite,
the blood flowing back
to your fingers and arms.
And when your partner’s arms tire,
you hold up your own
to relieve him again.
And it can go on like this
for many years
without the house falling.