When’s the last time you felt sexy? Is it even on your radar, or are you focused on everything but your sex life?
Maybe I should pose a more neutral question like this one. When do you feel sexy? Or this: What makes you feel sexy?
So… here’s why I ask. A guy was flirting with me recently. At least, I think he was. And that remark in itself should tell you something. I’m terribly out of practice! And that’s when it occurred to me, I can’t remember the last time I felt sexy.
Ain’t that sad? Then again, maybe it’s not surprising.
Sexiness, if you ask me, is as subject to Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs as anything else. Food and shelter first, right? And maybe emotional “security” as well. When survival issues sit atop your list, sex appeal — and quite likely, sex — drop to a lower rung.
But here’s my worry: As things start to pick up as I hope they will, and formerly priority “survival” issues quiesce, will so much time have passed since the last flirtation that I will have lost my touch? Will I ever be able to get my sexy back? And if so, what will it take, and with whom?
The “who,” of course, I couldn’t possibly predict. The very fact that I am even imagining such a thing surprises me, and is oddly reassuring. Or depressing. Or a bit of both. But what about that how? That “what will it take” dilemma? Or will I be — am I already — a few years (and wrinkles and aches and pains) too late?
If I hope for a relationship again (someday), won’t sex be part of the equation? Doesn’t that require that I feel sexy again — first?
Now, I have no illusions about my age, my status, my current appearance, and my less than ideal state of socializing confidence these days. I also recognize that sex appeal is in the eye of the beholder, and a great deal depends on the energy exchange (chemistry) when you’re dealing with someone face to face. But I do believe that sex is glue for many couples. Not the only glue, certainly, and perhaps less important to some, especially when you have a long, happy shared history.
I’m thinking back to the years when I was married. I was no spring chicken then either, and by the time I managed kids, household, errands, and full-time job each day, just how sexy was I feeling by the time Hubby showed up? How sexy was I feeling for and about myself much less for him?
I’m also wondering how often my long-married friends feel sexy. (Come on you married folk, do tell.) Are they so much in the groove of reading a spouse that all it takes is a look, and then you hop into bed? Are you content with scheduled activities the likes of once a week, you know — Saturday night sex? Is feeling sexy still in the mix? Now and then, when you’re on vacation?
Are these personal questions? I suppose. But they’re not that personal. Besides, you’re among friends.
Okay. I’ll go first. From my own days of connubial couplehood, given that motherhood came along quickly and my spouse was away a great deal, I was pooped a lot (juggling job and kids). Not only does that marital mix take a toll on emotional intimacy, but practically speaking, you’re just plain tired. I admit that sex was often about showing love to my partner, and when especially weary, about getting it over with. (Naturally, nothing between two people is quite that cut and dry…)
Feeling sexy? It wasn’t much of a consideration. Then again, doesn’t emotional intimacy play a role? When emotional intimacy is in short supply, doesn’t sexual intimacy face an uphill battle?
Interestingly, after divorce, embracing who I was (including feeling sexy) became much more important to me. I wanted to savor the moments leading up to any “events,” and squeeze every sensual second out of every erotic element I could. Of course, the reality was that relationships were few and far between, and for the most part, I was cobbling together a living and raising my kids.
But these days, I’m older, more tired, and certainly more isolated. It isn’t so much that I wish there were a sex pill for women (for a little equal opportunity arousal) as I wish there were a pill I could swallow to get my “sexy” back.
Now, as much as I enjoyed “When Stella Got Her Groove Back,” not only did I never look that good, but I’m (ahem) a little past her then-forty-something! And I ask myself this: Why must it always be about how we look? Is that just me? (Surely not.)
So this babe, below… Not me, never was, never could have been.
My old tricks for getting my sexy on?
Feeling healthy, feeling that my body was in reasonable shape, regular exercise, and of course my favorite lingerie, heels, and a little perfume on the pulse points. Even more important? My mind flirtatiously engaged with the object of my desire in verbal foreplay. (Words are agelessly sexy, at least to me. And if the guy is on fire on that level, it tends to rev my engines…)
But these days, I simply don’t know.
Tell me, Ladies and Gents, do you care to weigh in? Is feeling sexy important to you? Is it essential in daily life? Is it essential before enjoying adult activities? Does it add to your confidence when you’re socializing? Has your sense of being sexy changed over time? Is it variable — a matter of confidence, energy, health, sleep, a good day, a bad day, self-image, or something else? And if you feel like you’ve lost your sexy — or have in the past — how did you get it back?
As for the guy who flirted with me (sort of?), I’ll keep you posted. Maybe. Or maybe not.
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I feel sexy when I’m performing a concert, when I’m walking with my wife, and when the sun is finally out in the Pacific Northwest. Maybe I’m easy?
Yup! You’re easy! ? Lovely to hear from you. You always make me smile when you mention Suzy.
Aaah well. I quite recently felt very sexy, almost insanely so. An unconsummated, mutual (I am 85% sure, though, yes, the 15% unsure did worry me) attraction between neighbourhood friends. Both of us in long term and hitherto stable faithful marriages but my husband, dangerously, working away during the week, and he an independent photographer. Things reached the zenith in the final weeks of my husband’s absence. I admit I had determined to broach the issue directly with the photographer, and if he had the same view, well, I have to say I was open to developments… We made a final date for our dogs to play together(!) In the lead up to that day, I felt very sexy indeed. Utterly preoccupied. A constant, warm, buzzing feeling. And so alive! But then. He didn’t show. Last minute client call. I was utterly devastated.
I have to say that, even in the midst of that pain i realised fully that, at 56, it was all as much about ‘never having those feelings again’ than it was about my fixation with him and the rejection.
Now, back with my husband of 30 years, who is thankfully none the wiser, i am glad, extremely glad, that we didn’t. I would have ruined a wonderful marriage. Still a bit sad though. The sexy felt just wonderful.
Your description is delicious…
I was recently talking to a friend about this very topic. She’s been married 20+ years and said she can’t remember the last time she felt sexy. Her hubs hasn’t looked at her that way since she can remember, unfortunately. It’s so sad to me. Because she’s still just in her early 40s and is an attractive woman full of. life.
I was married throughout my 30s and never really felt sexy but a lot of that had to do with my own insecurities and my husband’s anger issues, more than with how. I actually looked… after my divorce I found a whole new me just waiting to come alive. I lost a lot of weight and felt healthier and more attractive than ever….
I’ve since gained some of the weight back 🙁 but my attitude has shifted and despite the weight gain and added years I still feel sexy because of my post-divorce experiences…. I would feel more sexy if I could lose the extra pounds but I’ll get there…. One thing my post-divorce dating experience taught me is that while there are lots of middle age men who want the much-younger trophy wife, there are still men out there of all ages who find women of other shapes and sizes sexy too. Sexy is in the eyes (& ears, & touch etc) of the beholder, as well as in the mind of the beholden. Which is encouraging but can also be a bummer if you’ve been married for a long time and your partner seems to no longer find you sexy….what do you do then??
I didn’t know what to tell my friend other than she is sexy and not to let her husband make her feel less so but I know that’s easier said than done. As for me, I’ve found a younger man who is fun and playful and adorable and finds me sexy which makes me feel more sexy than ever, even with the extra pounds … he has some too so this year we’re going to try to get healthier together 🙂
Anyway, you are a beautiful, intelligent, kindhearted woman with a beautiful soul which is all very sexy!!! So I hope the new Mr. Flirtatious recognizes and appreciates it! If he doesn’t, someone else will!! 🙂 I personally think that 40s & up women are more sexy than those in their 20s because we have experience and wisdom in addition to our physical attributes, and I think that our substance makes us more sexy…. that’s my story & I’m sticking to it!!!
I couldn’t agree more with your comments. Especially the last paragraph. I find experience, wisdom and substance incredibly sexy. The ultimate stimulation, in fact.
You say: “while there are lots of middle age men who want the much-younger trophy wife, there are still men out there of all ages who find women of other shapes and sizes sexy too.“
Thank you for this reminder.
Maslow’s hierarchy indeed. Yes, these days it’s entirely about existential questions. And yes, these days I find the emotional component far more important than the physical, which I’m finding almost laughingly indulgent to even think about.
The last time I felt sexy? It’s a stretch to even remember. It was about eight years ago. Health wasn’t so much of an issue, and I exercised and worked out regularly. I met a friend for a business lunch and after an intellectually stimulating conversation, I walked into another part of the restaurant and an attractive pair of women glanced up and gave me “the look over”. I have no idea if they liked what they saw but at least I felt I had been on someone’s radar for a moment.
In general, I’m sure the sense of “being seen” has much to do with feeling confident and attractive. Perception is reality here, there is no objective truth. So if you think someone is flirting with you, assume he is and go for it! It is a virtuous circle. I’ve known several men who were in worse shape than I was who had many “admirers”, just because they had confidence and very outgoing personalities.
Frequency? My significant other wrote me out of that equation long ago.
I am in my early 70’s and, thanks to an incredible man, feel sexy for the first time in years. I’ve lost some weight, worked on updating my wardrobe without dressing like a 20’s something. The confidence I now feel is helping me be happy and look content. And occasionally, I have had occasional men make overtures which surprise me; I’ve made some wonderful new friends. So yes, I feel sexy, both in and out of bed, in exotic lingerie (only at home! God forbid I get hit by a bus and am taken to the ER!), or well-fitting pants and a blouse. And, mind you, this all blossomed when I hit 70! So ladies, have confidence, walk with your head high, and if you have an impulse to talk to someone and the time is right, go for it!!
Ruth, Whatever you’re doing, it sounds terrific! And inspiring! (Tell us more.) And… French women wear their beautiful underthings at any age and everywhere. I think you should, too. ?