I recently ambled into an annoying adage: Tough times don’t last; tough people do. Aimed at amping up our motivational muscle in the face of challenges, this saying has merit, of course. But… might we dig deeper?
Like many motivational mantras, it fits neatly into a tweet or on virtual card stock. However, its shelf life is otherwise short and its usefulness, slight.
Real people need real brainstorming and real solutions to address real challenges. “Toughness” is not enough.
Now, when we find ourselves bombarded by sassy snippets from wisdom wannabes — it’s easy to feel as if all we need to do is refresh our enthusiasm. In other words… Just do it! Buck up! Don’t take no for an answer!
(Yes… those are pithy perspectives we’ve come to rely on.)
The trouble is, when we take too much on ourselves, on our willpower, on our solo efforts to persist in positivity and marching forward, don’t we risk shortchanging the realities we need to face? Are we taking time away from the how that we need to address to make progress?
Which Motivational Mantras Work?
I grant you, what motivates each of us is likely to be personal. What I find fabulous, you may find irritating — and vice versa. Context is critical, too. Motivational factors at work (money, recognition, satisfaction) are typically different from those in our private lives (love, sex, socializing).
Now here is a little gem that I like a great deal: If you want to succeed, fail faster.
Why does this piece of advice appeal to me? In a professional context, it reminds me that if I’m knocked down, the faster I get back up, the sooner I have another shot at making something work. And even if I don’t succeed, the very fact of trying reinforces my confidence. And we know how important confidence is, right?
Another adage we’ve all heard… If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. That’s a relevant reminder never to mess with a good thing, which applies to products, services, and relationships.
The only downside? We need to keep in mind that “not fixing” doesn’t preclude innovation or spicing things up.
Everyone Needs a Cheerleader
Now, cheerleading isn’t motivation per se; cheerleading is all about support, and it’s a very big deal. I’m a fan! Who doesn’t benefit from a few well-placed words of encouragement?
I’m a fan of cheering on those we work with, cheering on our children, and even cheering on those we may not know very well. Cheering on those we love — spouses and significant others — seems especially important.
I’m also a fan of cheerleading for ourselves. Sometimes, a speedy set of syllables is just what the doctor ordered. Case in point: My inner dialog is peppered with this positive phrase that serves me extremely well — You can do it.
And another that is never far away when I need it: “You are stronger than you think.” That one, which I’ve used in some variation throughout my life, has been a staple for me. And yes, it’s in the vein of “tough people last” after all — a clear message that we can and do find wells of strength when needed.
Catchy Phrases Have a Specific Purpose
Here is a nifty saying that I particularly like: Problem-solving is a team event.
As a person who has always worked well in teams, appreciates the value of collaboration, and understands the synergy (and pleasure) of multiple voices all focused on a common goal, I love this recognition that none of us operates in a vacuum. And do note — this is not to set aside personal responsibility nor ownership of one’s decisions.
Another I like is this, though taken with a grain of salt: If opportunity doesn’t knock, build a new door. I consider this one more than cheerleading, useful in reminding us to think outside the box, but its insufficiency lies in offering zero assistance in pointing to how. In this way, it’s an example of the specific purpose of catchy phrases — like a jolt of caffeine when we need it — and their limitations.
If adages and even platitudes send us off to research, to brainstorm, to discuss, to solicit feedback — to pursue the how with renewed heart — fantastic! But if they short-circuit, dismiss or oversimplify a serious issue that genuinely requires careful thought and thorough discussion, then they are of little use.
A Kick in the Derrière? Fab. But Then What?
Where does this land me?
We are looking for easy answers in an increasingly noisy, complex, convoluted world. And I get it. Hell, 10 minutes of news in the morning is enough to send some of us back to bed! It’s not surprising that we would grab onto anything to get us through the next hard week, hard day, or hard hour. The danger — if that’s all we do.
And I wonder… Is our multitude of mantras emblematic of a society losing its capacity for careful thought? Too often deflecting or dismissing any need to dig deeper? Unwilling or unable to take a longer-term view? Less inclined than we once were to reach out to others for differing but vital opinions? Aren’t we possessed of thoughtful and inquisitive minds when we’re young? Can’t we hang onto those same qualities as we grow older?
Difficult? You bet. Media, pop culture, schedules, expectations… everything seems to be conspiring against it, and to my mind, that sometimes includes these theoretically motivating messages that indicate love and success are only a few simple answers away.
My Preference… Tough and Tender Teamwork
Returning to the “tough times, tough people” phrase, what irks me in this ambitious aphorism is the notion that tough times don’t last. It’s simply not true. Ask hurricane victims! And even in insisting that tough people are more likely to endure, which I view as more true than false, implicitly, it places all the onus on the individual. Although I firmly believe in our individual power, and the value of both discipline and resilience, I also know this. We are born into certain circumstances and realities many of which we cannot change. And, we are not all made the same; we do not all experience just the right amount of “hardship” to build resilience; we do not all have cheerleaders, the same natural emotional or intellectual resourcefulness, or the same physical capacities.
Most importantly, none of us succeeds or fails in a vacuum.
Some of the strongest people I’ve known in my life are exceptionally tender-hearted. Some of the wisest people I’ve known embrace others and their influence in their successes. While I take a significant amount of “tough people last” to heart, I prefer these three little words:
Community is invaluable.
I’m all for optimism, positivity, and whatever gets us through tough times — with a realistic eye — so we can make sustained progress. But downplaying tough times for months or years on end? Downplaying them not only for individuals but for entire communities? Like I said, none of us succeeds or fails in a vacuum.
What adages annoy you? Which ones strike you as true and useful?
I welcome your thoughts.
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I’m one who loves motivational quotes. I use affirmations every day. In fact, I set a timer in my apple watch for 30 minutes and I repeat whatever the affirmation is that I’ve selected for the day, once having repeated it silently – or out loud if I feel like it, and am alone, I re-set to 30 minutes. The repetition exponentially helps to bump me out of the groove my mind can get stuck in sometimes. Once in the morning isn’t enough for me (I’m in my head a lot). And I tend toward affirmations that are action based. For example, I changed “I see the positive in every situation,” or “I see the gift in every moment,” which are both unrealistic to “I reach for the better thought.” It’s a subtle difference – but puts me in control. Nothing wrong with self-empowerment.
“You’re stronger than you think?” I like that very much too, D. It’s a very good thing when we switch to being a cheerleader to our striving selves, rather than listening to the critic who so often wants to chime in – at least in my head.
Thank you for adding your thoughts on this one, Barbara. I am always fascinated by the differences in people, the ways that some things work for some of us though less so for others. Or for that matter, certain things may work for a while, but not in definitely. Very cool that your affirmations work for you, and I love that you have made them more active.
Shutting down the inner critic? Oh yes. So important. ?
My daughter is a big collector of adages. My mother also liked them and had many framed in her kitchen. “Ve get too soon old and too late smart.”
But if there’s an adage for every occasion, there’s also an adage that advises exactly the opposite.
Chuckling…
My favorite quote is “If you want to succeed, fail faster!” I’ve learned so much by getting it wrong. The challenge was always understanding what went wrong and why, which usually led me to doing it better. Not only did it help me, it enabled me to help others…and isn’t that the greatest feeling of all…paying it forward.
Yup. It’s a good one in so many contexts! (But not so much in the dating and relationship world… )
The dating and relationship world…an alternate universe!
I get upset when someone tells me the timeworn platitude that “Everything Happens for a Reason”
Throughout my life all sorts of $%&&^% has happened to me and those around me that had no rhyme or reason or purpose! Nothing beneficial whatsoever – just struggle!
Life itself often dishes up varying and sometimes vast amounts of despair, disease, heartache, betrayal, unemployment and insolvency on people who are trying their best and didn’t ask for the hand that they were dealt – sometimes there is no reason whatsoever!!!
Oh-so-wise words, Nancy Kay.
I don’t get upset, but I have not been able to minimize life to “Everything happens for a reason.”
I relate more with Forrest Gump:
“Bumper Sticker Guy: [running after Forrest] Hey man! Hey listen, I was wondering if you might help me. ‘Cause I’m in the bumper sticker business and I’ve been trying to think of a good slogan, and since you’ve been such a big inspiration to the people around here I thought you might be able to help me jump into – WOAH! Man, you just ran through a big pile of dog shit!
Forrest Gump: It happens.
Bumper Sticker guy: What, shit?
Forrest Gump: Sometimes.”
Good example, TD! I have to agree with you and Nancy Kay on that saying. It seems like another case of unwarranted overreach in attributing things to a higher power.
I do believe that life is a learning experience, and the lessons we don’t learn the first time come around again until we’ve mastered the territory. But the lessons to be learned aren’t always obvious. While we may think the lesson is “Don’t step in poop”, and we then focus on not doing so, after many failed attempts we may learn a different, maybe more profound lesson – Poop is part of our world and we can’t always avoid it.
True enough ? happens!
Thanks for touching on a pet peeve. Like you, I find many motivational quotes and common sayings to be simplistic, uttered by those who have seemingly not walked in tough shoes. Some are subtly judgmental, if not outright chastising, of the intended recipient. Also like you I worry we have lost the ability to navigate by our sense and have become overly fond of guidance from sometimes insubstantial positive-thinking and self-help “gurus” who are really only *personalities*.
For instance, about toughness – Who is to judge (and from whom is this right bestowed)? How can any person judge how well another is doing in a given situation, or even tell how difficult the situation is? How do you gauge what reserves the person under stress has, or how much they have already been depleted? Is there some universal standard that everyone must meet (again, according to what authority)? The only thing that is logical to assume is that everyone is doing the best they can at any given time. Period. Anything less is choosing (a word I use deliberately) to either place blame, or at least look down the nose at another.
There are the seemingly spiritual sayings (with no grounding) that seem vapid and presumptuous. “God doesn’t give you more than you can handle”. Oh? Judging by the suicide rates, quite many people are given more than they could handle! Why would you deliberately inflict this thought on people who are having a hard enough time coping already?
Many motivational sayings overlook the relative powerlessness we have as individuals in big systems. People who study systems know that the systems in which we are imbedded (countries, cultures, workplaces, institutions, families, etc) are the primary determinants of our choices, ranges of motions, and behaviors. That isn’t to say that we have zero choices. That is seldom true, and indeed the challenge is to make the most of the relatively minor choices we have. But it seems many motivational quotes relate only to that narrowly defined area, and create false expectations by not acknowledging the limits.
I prefer quotes that inspire rather than chastise:
“There are no great men. Just great challenges which ordinary men, out of necessity, are forced by circumstance to meet.”
– Admiral William F. Halsey, Jr.
“People cry, not because they’re weak, but because they’ve been strong for too long.”
– Johnny Depp
“Never give up on a dream because of the time it will take to accomplish it. The time will pass anyway.”
– Earl Nightingale
“All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.”
― J.R.R. Tolkien
“Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree it will live its whole life believing it is stupid.”
– Albert Einstein
“Sometimes the most brilliant and intelligent people do not shine in standardized tests, because they do not have standardized minds.”
– Diane Ravitch
“Don’t ask yourself what the world needs, ask yourself what makes you come alive. And then go do that. Because what the world needs are people who have come alive.”
– Harold Whitman
“The one who follows the crowd will usually get no farther than the crowd. The one who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no one has ever seen.”
– Albert Einstein
“Dare to think. Dare to go with the truth. And dare to really love completely.”
– Buckminster Fuller
“You were born with potential. You were born with goodness and trust. You were born with ideals and dreams. You were born with greatness. You were born with wings. You are not meant for crawling, so don’t. You have wings. Learn to use them and fly.”
– Rumi
I appreciate your well thought out comment! It inspired me to think ?.
I agree with TD, Robert. And you’ve offered some wonderful quotes to enhance the discussion.