When it comes to a satisfying relationship, is affection more important than sex?
What if you’re enjoying a great love life with your partner, but missing out on affection when not tangled up in each other’s arms? What if you’re blessed with plenty of affection but caught in a prolonged sexual dry spell?
And what about those of us in long distance relationships — or no relationship at all? Don’t we crave affection? Isn’t it human to desire touch… and need it?
Sure, we can cuddle our kiddos and pet our pugs. We can exchange the occasional conciliatory or congratulatory hug with a friend. The touch of a hand or arm expresses sympathy or recognition. These moments of connection convey clear messages, and feel good.
Yet these same gestures are often subject to misinterpretation in romantic relationships — so much so, that we may find ourselves more physically distant from a life partner than a casual friend.
Is Your Affection-Interpreter on the Fritz?
Some of us see physical affection as a prelude to a sexual encounter, period. If you’ve ever been involved with (or married to) someone like this, you know exactly what I’m talking about. Cue the conundrum, the argument, the stony silence.
The nuances of touch are lost on a person who views affection as foreplay and nothing else. They misinterpret the intentions behind a kiss, a stroke on the arm, or the longing for a back rub. Absent specific (and carefully selected) words to clarify intent, every physical overture or request is assumed to be an invitation to bed. Whatever follows, one of you is likely to feel annoyed, dismissed, resentful.
This Psychology Today post presents love advice for men and offers counsel on the importance of affection, its role, how it changes over time. The author, a professor of psychology, seeks to make the distinction between physical affection and sexual foreplay.
I have had hundreds of women tell me that they don’t want their husbands to get all affectionate, to touch them, to get romantic — because the only time they do is when they are looking for sex… Why are so many men so affectionate before marriage, only to limit their affection as a part of foreplay after marriage?
Sound familiar?
Affection Is Emotional Currency
Why must touching become such a relationship battleground, especially as time wears on? Is it because we are unsure of our roles? Unable to read signals? Wedded to our own interpretations (and preferences) relative to boundaries, personal space, personal history, propriety?
Is it because touch, like anything else, can be used as a symbol, as an enticement, or as a prize? And what about its use as a weapon? Isn’t withholding physical touch — affection or sex — commonly associated with psychological manipulation?
We know that touch eases stress, boosts our immune systems, quells our fears, and subdues our sorrows. Can’t we make better use of affection as non-verbal emotional currency — sometimes sexual, and frequently, not?
Simple gestures are remarkably powerful: a hand on your shoulder, a kiss on the cheek. In reaching out, touch builds bridges, touch speaks without a word, touch says: “I understand, I apologize, I forgive, You are not alone.” Touch also telegraphs shared celebration: “I’m excited for you, I’m proud of you, I’m delighted to participate in your joyful moment.” Affection is a way to intensify good feelings, then extend them to others.
The defection of affection? It exacerbates assumptions, dramas, silences, quarrels, hurt feelings. It announces and widens emotional distance. And resentments accumulate when one partner interprets affection only as a prelude to sex, and the other understands it to be more reliant on context.
Defining Affection in Relationships
Curious to revisit the definition of affection, I find this:
… a fond attachment; devotion; love…
Other definitions include tenderness and liking, a propensity for something, as well as references to affection as a positive feeling of warmth for a person, place, or thing.
Few of us interpret affection as expressing sentiment without touch. That may have been true once, but these days, not so much. More importantly, we typically talk about it — or complain about it? — with regard to our spouses and partners. We’re unhappy with the nature or frequency of physical affection. Or we’re worried about it, suffering from its absence.
And yes, there are boundary issues and disagreements around public displays (PDAs): Individuals differ in their comfort with affection’s expression, and its respect of circumstances.
Is it any wonder we sometimes send an “affection” message that’s misconstrued, or anticipate receiving one that’s delivered in a way we may not like? Consider Psychology Today’s presentation of seven types of affection within the context of healthy relationships, including:
… back rubs/massages; caressing/stroking; cuddling/holding; hugging; holding hands; kissing on the lips; kissing on the face.
I see pitfalls, don’t you? One (wo)man’s “back rub” soothes the stresses of a bad day, while another (wo)man’s back rub is a desire to direct those darling digits elsewhere.
Choices? Trade-Offs?
Like many of us, I’ve experienced times when life held no touch whatsoever. The isolation is chilling. We feel “skin hungry” and alone.
Like many of us, I’ve experienced relationships where there was sex but little affection, and ditto on relationships with affection but little sex. And yes, I’ve known the occasional relationship that was lacking in both, yet for other reasons — respect, stability, friendship, love — I stayed.
Ideally, our libidos match well with our partner’s, and likewise the amount and nature of non-sexual, connective touch. Affection. And if for some reason we find ourselves “off,” I can only hope that in a loving, committed relationship, we can talk about it clearly. And by that I mean something more than a strident statement of “I need more sex” or “I need more affection.”
For those of us who find ourselves alone, without family close by much less a spouse or significant other, the challenge of living with little physical contact is very real. And with a growing, isolated, aging population, I can only imagine the skyrocketing numbers in this situation.
We may or may not choose the path of pets. We may or may not cut ourselves off from the entire realm of physical connection to other human beings. But I am convinced that given a choice, we would happily accept most expressions of affection so long as they were delivered in an appropriate context.
And if I had to choose just one in a long-term marriage or committed relationship?
I’m past my childbearing years, I’m no longer “young,” and experience has taught me the breadth of joys and challenges that life dishes out. Consequently, while still a sexual being, I would take the attentiveness and caring inherent in affection over sexual activity. This doesn’t mean I don’t want both, but I understand the longevity, the portability, and the extraordinary power of tender touch to convey so much with seemingly so little.
I welcome your thoughts.
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Is affection more important than sex? I think it is. This has become clearer as I have gotten older, sex hormones have decreased and I have learned more about relationships. As an aside – One thing I see clearly in retrospect is that testosterone can cause so many relationship misunderstandings. I’ve never even considered myself the stereotypical hormone driven male, but I see now that there have been “hierarchy of needs” clashes. Trying to relate on the level of emotional connection with someone preoccupied with a lower level is bound to be frustrating (for both).
On touch – I’ve been confused, even gotten in trouble, because of it. I’ve noticed that women seldom venture into my physical and emotional space, so when they do, with touching being one example, it feels much like affection or intimacy, which I’ve discovered it may not be, per se. It may mean connection, sympathy, or something similar that is purely in the friendship realm.
I’ve also encountered a situation where a person seemingly wanted to touch, but not be touched. Maybe it was as simple as that, or maybe it was the ever present difficulty of interpreting the signals of the moment. Or maybe it was what has been called the Dance of Intimacy, where people get out of sync in the degree of intimacy they want at a given time. One wants more, the other less. Then in reaction they both go the other direction, still apart.
Most importantly, while I most certainly agree that affection is more important than sex, in my experience they are both primarily physical elements, with neither being a substitute for emotional intimacy. Without the emotional component a relationship devolves to just an acquaintance or rooming arrangement, which no amount of touch or sex will change, at least until something deeper comes into being.
Robert,
Your comment is very well written. You touched on many situations that have been causing me a great deal of emotional stress left with confusion when meeting new acquaintances. For example: 2 nights ago a man asked to walk with me out to our cars after an enjoyable dining experience mingling with several locals at near by restaurant. While it is true that he requested the server to offer me another cocktail of whatever I was having on his tab at the beginning of the evening he also did the same with the other single woman sitting next to him midway through the evening. Granted the offering of buying each other’s drinks is an act of generosity of kindness, it is common in the community where I reside. I am not an attractive beautiful nor do I dress to attack. I had actually just come from having a massage in my casual shorts, over shirt and crocks. This part of behavior did not surprise nor confuse me. Couples as well as singles were mingling with one another all in good nature of conversations. It was an enjoyable atmosphere. Later in in the evening, this particular man and I found ourselves sitting next to each other enjoying simple conversation. Nothing highly unusual or confusing about that for me. Shortly after sunset and dinner complete, it was time to leave and the man asked to walk with me out to our cars. I took that as a friendly neighborly gesture. Again that was all okay. As I reach my car saying goodbye, he asked if he could kiss me. My misinterpretation was thinking he too was single. I was agreeable to a friendly simple kiss goodnight as a way of saying I enjoyed your company and acquaintance. Simple on the cheek would have been fine. It was a simple gentle kiss on the lips. All fine. I politely said it was nice meeting him and would enjoy seeing him again sometime.
Here is my confusion: he replied that he has a girlfriend. Now I took a physical step back at my surprise. My question to you, Robert, (or anyone else with some wisdom) why would a man knowing that he has a girlfriend ask to kiss another woman!
I know instantly how I personally felt. Understanding my emotions is not my confusion. My confusion is this man’s behavior. It is not this first time this has happened. 2 months ago, a married man did the same. I did not know that he was married either.
Is it my responsibility to quickly ask such a personal question of are you married, engaged, involved with someone prior to engaging friendly conversation? I don’t ask. I think that directly would feel rude. I think that is personal information someone would disclose as a part of who they are or reference within conversation. What do you think?
I would appreciate advice, thoughts, comments and continued conversations with both genders.
Well, this isn’t Robert. But all I can say, TD, is wow. I’d be confused, too. (There’s a Sex and the City episode in which Samantha has a funny response to a similar situation. If I can figure out which episode and dig it out, I will.)
Good to know that you would be confused too. I instantly felt anger which I kept to myself in control and felt extreme sorrow for his girlfriend.
At that moment, I didn’t see any humorous side to the situation. But feeling humor would have felt better. Yes, I loved Sex in the City!
I mentioned the married man situation to my friend when it happened because I was so bothered by it. She said that if she caught her husband of 27 years cheating, it wouldn’t be her husband that she would be angry with it would be the woman and she would go after her with a gun. That was confusing too!
I don’t look or behave anything like Samantha’s character. If I did, I could see why.
It is highly possible that I will randomly run into these men (or type of men) again. I certainly would like to understand it better and be able to respond appropriately without feeling angry.
And maybe, D.A., you are just trying to be funny. Perhaps, I’m just overthinking the uncomfortable situations. I am truly finding it difficult to trust.
No, I wasn’t trying to be funny. I get what you’re talking about.
TD – I’ll try to answer, but I need to say up front that I’m maybe not the best person to answer, as I haven’t been in the situation you describe for almost forty years. I imagine the women readers can give more relevant responses. Also, your comment makes me realize that I should have said in my own that I was referring to people I had already known for some time.
As to your situation, I think the right question is why would a person ask to kiss a stranger? And then take advantage by doing it on the lips? This is all very aggressive. Him buying you a drink and spending some time chatting doesn’t change the fact that he is a stranger. Although he made a minimal accommodation to boundaries by asking, that is incredibly forward in itself. He basically took advantage of your good nature. I can’t see how his having a girlfriend makes the situation any worse, his intentions seem less than above board as they are.
Even if you were prepared for this behavior, it would be very difficult to defend yourself against it politely. I agree that it seems rude to interrogate people on their relationship status, not to mention that it would be hard to do tactfully, and very awkward for both parties if not done well. It also assumes the other person would answer truthfully. You might just as well ask them “Would you lie to me to get what you want?”
But really, you should never be put in this position in the first place, so do what you have to do to feel safe, even if it means being slightly unsociable. Someone that doesn’t have the same social standards and boundaries, or at least respect for yours if theirs are different, is someone I would want to cut ties with as soon as possible. Try to do so gracefully, however. Someone with little regard for your boundaries may have little regard for you at all. Above all, use your intuition. It is our greatest natural defense, giving conscious alert of subconscious warnings. If something doesn’t seem right, it probably is not.
Thank you, Robert, for taking the time to reply. I wanted a man’s perspective. What you have stated seems completely in line with my own standards. I think you understood the situation quite well. Again, thank you. I will remember your guidance.
D.A., I also want to thank you for hosting your blog. As you know, I have been reading your essays over a year now. It has taken courage to actually be a participant. I do know the blog takes an enormous amount of time and energy!
Your efforts are appreciated by more real people than you may know. You do help others with issues! You are indeed appreciated. If I can do more to assist your efforts to help others in their journey of life, please call on me!
I often think of Patti currently in Seattle, OR thinking about Austin. It is just too expensive (in my opinion and people that I know there would you agree. I lived there many year developing it awhile back.)
Yet my situation here in Corpus Christi, TX might offer her a safe haven to check out the close destinations of San Antonio which is good for jobs now and close enough for her to explore Austin again and Dallas which a lot of CC people are relocating. You may pass along this information to chat with me by phone or by my email (if you desire).
All the best, TD
D.A.,
To answer your question is affection more important than sex? From my perspective and life experiences, I think age matters as to what chapter of life you are currently in as well as the length of time the relationship has evolved. Both changes with the relationship depending on comfort zones and needs.
Thank you for those very kind words, TD. I hope all of this discussion that has taken place on these related topics is helpful to as many people as possible. (I know it is helpful to me. I learn from all of it!) Thank you again, and I will pass your message along.
Ha! I see some of the challenges that I was experiencing 2 years ago including a Q&A with one of your readers Robert. It was funny to me first of all to see it and then to see how much I have learned and changed in the time. Robert’s feedback was very helpful for me. Since then, I changed my social out goings, let go of some people in my life, and keep an awareness of a safe distance from people, and I am more cautious, even vigilant.
Truly the only behavior one has control of is your own and truly the only person who has my best interest at heart is me.
It is also interesting to note the change in America since then, too.
Thanks for bringing this to the fore again, TD. Time does indeed provide an interesting perspective, particularly where evolution has happened, but even when change has been negligible.
I agree that the only behavior a person can control is their own (a very profound statement, I think). Ideally, though, I would hope that everyone could have at least one other person who truly has their best interests at heart.
An observation of my own on what you just said, Robert. It should be simple, and many people assume it to be true and take it for granted that it is. And yet it is not, even in relationships that look, from the outside, like it would be. How much kinder our world would be if it were more prevalent.
Perhaps the purest form of it, in my own experience, is as a parent caring for her children. It is in the parental relationship where I have most often encountered men and women who truly put the best interests of the child before their own; and in partner (or “romantic”) relationships, I have seen far less of it. Surprisingly so.
TD I think maybe it was me you were referring to on living in Austin? Thanks for thinking of me… but Austin is the only place in Texas I would live. I love this city very much… I spent two years in San Francisco as an adventure but came back to Austin due to some changes in my work. If I leave again, and I might, I will head to Portland or Seattle… simply because I love those places as well, and they don’t have the summer heat Austin does. 🙂
Hi Patty, Glad to hear that you landed on your feet in Austin. Yes, I was referring to you from one of D.A.’s previous essays about moving. ?
Neither affection nor sex is better than money. I have no interest in wife and all the finger pointing, whining, crying, arguing that wives do. We’ve been together for 50 years and she still won’t leave, I guess she likes things the way they are.