He was the second person in 24 hours to comment that I was “reserved.” A week earlier, someone used the term “cautious” to describe me. And in a private conversation just days later with a very old friend — someone I’ve known since long before our love affair with TMI — I was anything but reserved or cautious.
I did indeed share the details of recent happenings in my personal life.
Because I’ve known her for decades and I trust her.
Spilling your guts to a stranger? Must this now pass for routine, acceptable, expected dialog — anywhere, anytime?
Tell all? Wasn’t that something most of us were taught not to do — not only as a matter of propriety but safety? Why are we so compelled to elaborate on heartache, to unleash our outrage, to settle for simulated intimacy rather than the real thing? Is our loneliness so stabbing or our narcissism so unchecked that we’ve forgotten about the need for trust?
Sharing a confidence used to be a gift. That gift was earned. It wasn’t assumed.
“Ah,” you will tell me. “Get with the program. It’s no big deal. This is the new normal.”
Maybe. Maybe not.
Yes, I’m reserved with a stranger. (That doesn’t mean I’m unfriendly.) Yes, I protect my most personal preferences and sentiments. (That doesn’t mean I’m cold.) And yes, I willingly — judiciously — share private matters with someone I trust, someone I love, or someone I may begin to trust or love… in time, in a reciprocal fashion.
Sure, there are exceptions and exceptional circumstances that lead us to shortcut timeframes, to share information quickly, and to gamble that whatever we are sharing will be handled with discretion.
Unfortunately, we live in a world where we are increasingly complicit in reducing privacy to a quaint twentieth-century notion. Our online disclosures are so numerous as to be numbing, the competition for (necessary?) notice so unrelenting, the vehicles for venting and expressing so available (and seductive?) that we say and write things we would never have conceived of mentioning 10 years ago, much less 10 minutes ago… in person.
The result? We devalue moments of revelation once entrusted solely to those closest to us.
This isn’t to say that painful and pleasurable disclosures in a public realm can’t provide a service; many of us are unable or afraid to address issues that concern us. There are obvious benefits to social sharing, and I would be the first to agree that learning to suspend judgment and gaining greater insights into others are among them. Yet we seem to have forgotten that boundaries serve a purpose, and when we encounter them, we ought to respect them.
Look. I write online. I use my own life where it humanizes or illustrates a subject I choose to explore or a point I wish to make. Certainly, there have been very unguarded moments, times I wrote about my marriage or my health, aware that pain and frustration bubbling up to the surface was seeping out. And more than once, streaming out.
Those were moments when writing saved me, honored a little corner of my spirit by giving voice to the ache, gave you a glimpse of my inner world that enabled you to say yes, me too, I’m living that fear, that sorrow, that anger, that bewilderment.
I have never regretted those moments of sharing. I imagine there will be more. But I do not expect to throw open doors to all the details of my life, often messy details, and nor do I expect access to anyone else’s.
Call me old-fashioned, but from online dating to social media sharing, there is a time and a place for what we discuss and how we discuss it, especially when it impacts others’ lives and livelihoods. How far should we extend our reach? How far will we let others in?
We must each draw that line for ourselves. But first, we must remember that the line exists, and for good reason.
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There is a fine line, isn’t there, in sharing intimacy? Trust is key, but it takes time to earn it. In my life, I’ve been completely open with only three people…and somewhat sharing with one or two more. My brother, my confidant, calls me a “covert operation”. I’m okay with that characterization because I’m comfortable with who I am…pluses and minuses. Sharing, to whatever degree, should be reciprocal. I almost lost a valuable friendship because, though I was a sensational listener, I didn’t reciprocate the sharing part. In response to, “How have you been?” I would always reply, “Fine, nothing new.” And then be ready to listen. Because this treasured friend decided to fight for our friendship, he called me out on it…explaining that sharing and trusting had to be mutual, or I would lose this relationship. I had to work very hard to be more descriptive and sharing when asked, “How have you been?” In the end, it was worth the effort. So what if someone calls you reserved and cautious, or tells you you’re not… Until you are able to evaluate the worth of any relationship, I’d call it being judicious.
There does seem to be a fine line. I don’t think I have ever been called out for being reticent and I am having a little difficulty picturing how a well-functioning relationship would be very unequal in the information flow. At the same time, I also realize that over time I have become more aware of conversational dynamics and more deliberately participative. Usually, though, there is no conscious accounting for who is being more open.
However, I have had one conversation experience which seemed very unnatural. It was a “get acquainted” session for a small professional team where we were expected to reveal ourselves to some extent. Some of the people going before me were more revealing and less professional than I thought appropriate for an artificial, non-organic get together. As you say, this is earned and has to develop on its own. No one should be forcing it – that is manipulation, not friendship, or respect.
GOOD POINT.
I tend to let out out TOO Much information!
Have tried to be better about it this past year……….
I over explain things too.
I need to go back and see ALL the places that were suggested to LIVE!
SENDING A HUG through CYBER SPACE!
XX
Some people just have a very private personality and will NEVER be the first person at the party with the Lampshade on their head!. There are many valid reasons for a person to be private and guarded. It has always been my observation however that those who are that way for whatever reason, are always regarded (Many times unfairly) as the type of person that you don’t want to socialize with. In the event that you initially feel that way about someone, but give that person the benefit of the doubt, and take the time required to get to know them; in many cases you will discover that you had it all wrong. The unfortunate thing about this is that most people do not give them the benefit of the doubt. Accordingly, most of the very private people that I have known in my life (Longer than I care to admit) have had few if any friends.) Not fair but that’s just the way life is.
Yes, Angela is right! Key is a sacred level of trust! Because of the nature of the city that I reside, I am often ask where exactly do you live. I only give a very generalized answer. And yet some people will continue to dig. If someone truly needs a way to reach me, I will give them a PO box. Same, I am often asked what I do and I give a generic answer as retired followed by how about you, then let then talk. I have talked with a relative of mine as well as my doctor about these types of questions that I get from complete strangers. I understand that they are simply trying to get to know me a little more, the the timing of sharing my personal is always completely up to me. No one is entitled to it! Your responses have been perfectly fine!
And in another category entirely you have people who go out of their way to reveal information that almost everyone would consider private.
A friend recently told the story of someone who published the details of her romantic life on Facebook. I understand many people do that these days, but it wasn’t just about who she was seeing, but how, if you get my drift. It started with her being seen in public with a male friend shortly after her husband passed away. It seems the logical response was to detail her and her deceased husband’s sexual histories and infidelities and how that translated into the present.
That mystifies me in so many ways. That anyone else would ask. That anyone would even know to ask, even though in her circle life is a fishbowl. That she would bother to respond at all, much less in that detail, revealing what should have been private details of her partners’ as well.
Most importantly, I can’t decide whether I’m miffed or gratified I don’t have friends who care about my sex life…
Hello friend! I found myself with an hour of “me” time and thought I’d spend some time catching up with old friends (whom I’ve lost touch with in the past year). This post really brought to the forefront just how confusing our culture is these days. Did you know there is are fake Instagram accounts called Finstagrams, where users reveal their *real life* without damaging the flawless facade that’s followed on their “Instagram life? In other words, a place where there are no filters or fabrications. Youth pastors discover blogs of teens that reveal so much counter-cultural information, they are blown away. Facebook Live allows people to share almost in a confessional sort of way. All this may be serving as a distorted need to “confess” and look to others (strangers or acquaintances) to provide forgiveness or validation for their actions. because they may not feel like they can trust those closer to them. The Millennial generation is so very transparent on social media, yet studies show they do really value personal interaction! Yes, it’s truly a strange world social media and the blogosphere has created.