As December winds down, consider the following guidelines on when you should (or shouldn’t) break up with the one you loved, the one you married, and even the one you’re sleeping with.
Here’s the cheat sheet: No holidays, no birthdays… and for crying out loud, literally, real adults don’t break up on text or email.
I may not be Emily Post, but… Can we at least agree to that?
As these words are timely, I give you a blow by blow of the ‘just say no’ to breakup etiquette.
And here goes…
‘Tis the Season… Not
Breaking up? ‘Tis not the season! Or, as a pal of mine likes to intone: ‘Tis the season for diamonds and Dewar’s… and relationship-wise, no digs or downers.
At this Typically Romantic Time of Year, we’re excited to be a twosome, we’re planning our cozy get-togethers, we’re basking in our Kodak moments, and we’re readying the red dress and lipstick – and possibly arranging for sitters.
The last thing we’re considering (or expecting) is breaking up. But if we are thinking about it, shouldn’t we follow the proper etiquette to minimize the damage and preserve the good memories?
I offer two perspectives on breaking up, the first of which is Joyce Wadler’s entertaining take on the holidays in “Only Nine Breakup Days Left Till Christmas.” Unfortunately, that ship has sailed, but… the countdown to New Year’s remains.
All the more reason to listen up now!
Date-Driven Dumping
We know there are all sorts of reasons that people split up, but timing counts when it comes to the aftermath. All the more reason that we find ourselves operating under the auspices of the the Three Week Rule, wherein it is gauche, graceless, and utterly unacceptable to break up once Christmas is three weeks away or less. So if you were toying with the idea of ending your most current Amorous Adventure in our around Christmas, I hope you didn’t. And yes, we are still ‘in and around Christmas!’
Of course, I might suggest that dumping someone just before New Year’s is equally egregious and likewise, if they (or you) are hungover on the first and still on the second. Personally, I see no problem with dates approaching the wearing of the green (March 17) or Bastille Day (July 14), but that may depend on location, location, location.
One critical point: If you have been romantically linked long enough to be a conspicuous couple on Facebook, breaking up on a birthday is also ill advised, or prepare to incur the wrath of friends, friends of friends, faux friends, close friends and… well, you get the picture.
Should you be planning a breakup at this time, recognize that we are, of necessity, looking at January 2 through January 31. Additional recommendations by Ms. Wadler address optimal time of day and ideally, appropriate setting and context.
Specifically:
… if your soon-to-be ex takes tranquilizers or antidepressants, schedule your breakup for early in the day. Like brunch.
The Basics of Breakup Etiquette
One might think that breakup etiquette necessitates an Idiot’s Guide, though it ought not to. Lest you not know the basics, here is my own set of fundamentals. Now, now. It’s not that difficult, though many seem to screw it up!
- Committed Long Term Relationship or marriage? DO do the deed in person. It’s the only classy option. Short of penning prose to warrant a Pulitzer (on paper please), nothing else is acceptable.
- DO break up in person or by phone, for any relationship in the one-month to twelve-month range. Skype is acceptable if you’re in an LDR.)
- DO break up in person or by phone, if you slept with the person, and it was anything other than a one-night thing.
- DO exercise some kindness if you are the initiator (no name-calling, please).
- DO exercise a measure of self-control on the receiving end (dignity, dignity, dignity – especially if you have kids in the vicinity).
- Do NOT break up a relationship with kids in earshot.
- Do NOT break up a marriage by email.
- Do NOT break up on Facebook.
- Do NOT break up by text.
- Do NOT break up on national television. (Remember the movie, Hope Floats?)
- If you feel compelled to write your Dear John or Jane, DO be eloquent and do NOT take the “Berger Path” of jotting a few words on a sticky note.
Trust me. There’s more. For example, no burning of the breakup-initiator’s possessions (as tempting as it may be), no trashing him or her to the respective boss, no shit show through social media (please) – though we know for many that last is tempting.
Girlfriend’s Guide to Divorce
As for the second perspective on the topic of breaking up, turn to Bravo if you haven’t as yet for two seasons of their series, Girlfriend’s Guide to Divorce.
Generally speaking, many including me are giving this undertaking in ‘scripted’ fare a big thumbs up as a serio-comic take on the tumultuous process of ending a marriage. The dialog is sharp, the characters are quirky, but what has me riveted are the periodic stark moments of reality in this non-reality show.
For those of us who have been through it, not only do we find explicit lines and situations that ring true, but they may bring us back to our own breakup tales of woe, wailing, and wanting – both something (or someone) different, and for all things to return to normal – whether “normal” is good or not.
What makes this show a hit that packs a particular punch?
Let’s see. There’s the 40-something hubby in a long-term marriage who takes up with a woman some 22 years younger. There is the emotional affair that the wife engages in around the same time, which her spouse views as worse than his physical affair. There is the well-intentioned interference of family, the adversarial legal advice, the attempts to rekindle their relationship (some think that could have worked, but hey, it isn’t in the script), the distancing of couple friends and the emergence of relationships with other divorced women.
And that’s just for starters.
Breakup Cocktail… of Emotions, That Is
Naturally, the scenarios in Girlfriend’s Guide won’t be familiar to all of us, but Abby, the delightfully flawed series protagonist, possesses the right mix of vulnerability, anger, sentimentality, fear, hostility, regret and situational stupidity to be recognizable to many of us.
When relationships end – especially long-term relationships – let’s not assume the one who does the “breaking” has an easy path, though it is generally easier, because he or she has the upper hand – at least initially. When it comes to marriage, most of us who are veterans know that it generally takes two for connubial bliss to wind up blissless. And when it is marriage with children that is being disassembled, there is no swift removal of a band-aid, much less on a schedule.
So DO keep that in mind when considering the red dress she has hanging over the closet door or the silly Santa sweaters he digs out of the dresser for the holidays.
And remember — for the one who is caught off-guard by the downward spiral into divorce, or the potentially dismal demise of any serious relationship, the cocktail of confusion can be dizzying indeed.
Breaking up is painful.
Breaking up is messy.
Breaking up is hard to do.
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Re: Time To Break Up.
I understand that this is a Blog primarily for women but, I enjoy reading it to stay abreast of options and tactics that the “Opposition” as it were, considers while addressing any and all of life’s little problems common to us all.
As to the subject at hand; I will simply say that breaking up is indeed hard to do, particularly if you truly were deeply in love with your partner! After a time period which varies from person to person, one tends to seek out another who has the same qualities that your former partner had which attracted you to that person. Looks good on paper but; “It usually won’t work that way folks.”
One reason is; the equipment that you used to land your former partner is not the same equipment that you are using today. As much as we would love to say and believe that looks are not that important, and it is who you are that really counts, well……..I’ll just leave it at that.
I have observed that with both men and women, many simply say, “The Hell with it” and devote most of their time, energy, and love to their children, grand-children, and other family members because, we all finally realize that that, is the most important possession that we have.
I would suggest that for most of us, if it is going to happen, it will happen in a manner that you least expect. Trying to “Make It Happen” is futile and sadly causes you to lose your dignity and self esteem. You should NEVER allow that to happen. You owe that to yourself!
Boy I’d love to have a Martini after writing this but I have to wait 6 hours! Life is tough!
Hmmm, I wonder what you would have advised my long-ago-divorced brother, who announced to his ex just before Christmas that he is getting married again in June. She has never found anyone, and according to him, she felt that this announcement had ruined her Christmas. His reasoning? He wanted to tell her while their college-age daughter was home with her so that she wouldn’t be alone and would have support. But I’m also wondering if that’s a lot to put on my 20-year-old niece.
While I’m at it, I’m also wondering if I should discreetly mention to her that if she has anything to say or ask about the impending new marriage, I’m a good listener. (Perhaps you should start a “Dear Wolf” section of this ‘zine for people to ask questions about divorce and its aftermath.”)
I think you may be right that it’s a lot to put on your niece, but that depends on her, and her relationship with both parents.
And in general this is an interesting topic…
That aside, I like your idea! But does ‘Dear Wolf’ have sufficient caché? 🙂
Sorry Judith. I must call BS on your brother. I do not know the specifics of the relationship dynamics or how this was done. That said, the reasoning makes little to no sense. He wanted to wait for a 20 year old daughter to be home to provide support?
Regardless of how mature and brilliant the child is, they are still her parents and relying on her for support puts her in the middle, maybe aligns her one way, and is neither fair to the child or the ex. It presumes that the ex has no friends or family that can provide necessary support, and that the 20 year old child can provide it. It also presumes the ex will discuss with the 20 yr old and rely on her. The reality is that a responsible parent will protect their child, not speak openly, and not attack or degrade the other parent so a the child does not feel that burden. Does your brother think the ex would do that? Would the ex do that? Either is just wrong.
How about doing this to your child and what she feels, even if she is 20 and mature? She would probably be angry that she is put in this position when she just came home for Christmas to see family and friends.
So if the explanation does not make sense, which it does not, it is BS. Then the question becomes what is the real reason he handled things this way?
Also if the marriage is long over why the reaction by the ex and why even tell her?
I am probably missing a lot, but from the little information provided, this is what I am discerning.
It’s true, Curtis, that we only have a little bit of information in this comment from Judith. My immediate thought is that her brother may have used his daughter as a buffer (to a degree), wasn’t especially concerned about his daughter’s response, but did in fact want to avoid any heat from his ex, and ‘wanting her there to provide support’ is just an excuse to make things easier on himself. So, no. Not cool. Not the right thing for a 20-year-old to have to manage.
On the other hand, Judith did say they were long-divorced. That, to me, says that’s their daughter’s ‘normal’ though it may still be painful for her and her mother.
But all that is conjecture on my part. A lot of us choose the path of least resistance without thinking it through, or thinking of the impact on other people, even those we love. And we don’t know the details.
When my ex was going to remarry — and as is often the case, he did so fairly soon after divorce (I had barely begun dating) — it was my (still young) kids who told me. Also not cool, but probably more common than we think.
I can imagine another scenario as well. My own parents were married for more than 30 years and when my father chose to remarry — my mother was still in a land of bitterness — I did feel somewhat caught in the middle although I was approaching 30 at the time. Part of why I felt caught in the middle was because I saw my mother’s great unhappiness and frustration. But I also knew what a difficult marriage they had, best I can tell, the entire marriage. I saw that my father was finally with someone who made him incredibly happy, and in his happiness (finally) he was reaching out to me to rebuild our relationship.
My mother was a woman with many emotional issues that bled out onto everyone who was around her, especially those closest to her. While my father certainly never asked me to soften things for her, I imagine I tried, all the while being happy for him.
As for why the situation might still affect Judith’s sister-in-law, I can understand and imagine a variety of reasons, given that I am a female have-not-remarried ‘ex’ with kids roughly the same age, and many years since my own divorce…
Sometimes, there really are no villains, only people doing the best they can.
So… I guess I come back to the fact that we don’t have all the information and the relationships of the individuals involved remain missing elements. But in general, absent that information, I can’t say that I find his maneuver very well-timed. I’m with The Times article on this one — no breakups and no hurtful announcements at the December holidays!
Curtis, I have no problem with you calling BS on my brother — you only confirmed what I suspected. The men in my birth family have a history of depending on women to hold them up.
So, yeah, I agree, not cool. I feel the worst for my niece, who I suspect has a lot of anger — as does her mother.
YES!
I like it……….YOU ARE THE NEXT DEAR ABBY!!!
XO
I like…”Dear Wolfie.” You’ll get things like, Dear Wolfie,
I’ve never written to you before, but I really need your advice. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs. Phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with “the girls” a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, “Just some friends from work, you don’t know them.”
I always try to stay awake to look out for her coming home, but I usually fall asleep. Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn’t want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. Around midnight, I decided to hide in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with “the girls”.
It was at that moment, crouching behind my clubs, that I noticed that the graphite shaft on my driver appeared to have a hairline crack right by the club head. Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the pro shop where I bought it?
Signed,
Perplexed
🙂
For those who have had long term marriages do you still believe this should be handled in person if one party has an explosive anger problem and is very controlling?
Tamarac, There are always individual circumstances that require special handling, and sadly, some are right to be fearful of a partner’s response.
I could always be wrong but, is it possible that D.A. is on track for a “New Gig.” I know I’d use her. Ya see…I have this divorcee living next door who has 5 very large, dirty, garbage cans sitting in plain view…….. Ah never mind, I’ll save it for “Dear Wolfie.”