How to Apologize, and Why It Matters

Stop. Saying. Sorry. I’ve repeated those words to myself a thousand times and written them as well to reinforce the lesson. Apologies handed out too easily are pointless. They’re also potentially damaging. On the other hand, a sincere apology extended when you’re truly contrite is a start at making amends, assuming that amends are what you genuinely desire.

For some, apologies are almost never offered. I’ve known both men and women who rarely utter the words “I’m sorry.” The reasons vary — they’re convinced they’re always right, they’re unwilling to own responsibility for mistakes, or they’re uncomfortable with articulating what might be perceived as weakness. I’m certain there are more causes than these, among them, habit.

But there’s much more to the types of apologies that exist and how we use them. And a “rote” apology isn’t necessarily a meaningful one.

The Knee-Jerk Apology

You step on someone’s foot in line. It’s automatic. You say “sorry.”

Exactly. You apologize.

You reach for the same slice of meat on the platter as your sister at precisely the same time. You laugh, and say “sorry!”

Of course! You apologize.

In these examples, your automatic, everyday apologies concern social convention. Minutiae, much of the time.

Here’s another scenario. You have a short fuse. You’re inclined toward stormy interactions. After an exchange of harsh words, you’ve learned to apologize afterward. And for you (and whomever you’re paired with), this pattern seems to work.

So. Do you know how and when to offer an apology?

Excusing ourselves is much more than adhering to social convention. It’s about the ability to admit fault. It’s also a means to demonstrate contrition.

Apologies Are Cultural as Well as Personal

I used to believe that apologizing was purely an individual issue. A matter of stubbornness if someone refused to say he was sorry. I presumed that some of us know how to admit we’re wrong – or understand the necessity of extending an olive branch – and some of us don’t. Period.

But I’ve come to understand the cultural component by virtue of working overseas and traveling a good deal. Admitting fault can be seen as a weakness – in business or otherwise – even if over something that might seem to me of little importance. In fact, admitting to ignorance may also be viewed as unacceptable, which could explain the number of times on one particular trip that well-meaning individuals offered detailed directions that never led to my destination!

When Apologies Don’t Come Easily

I won’t say that apologizing has always been easy. I have my share of pride. Apologizing in certain circumstances can be a painful exercise.

What I realized with the years and closer observation of others’ feelings is this. An apology is often in order even if only to share responsibility for a tricky situation that involves multiple players, multiple agendas, and “imagined” wrongs rather than intentionally harmful acts.

Perhaps that’s the crux right there. Misunderstandings. Imagined wrongs. Confusing backbone for stubbornness. Allowing stubbornness (or pride) to stand as an obstacle to conciliatory gestures.

(And anyone who believes that “love doesn’t mean having to say you’re sorry” doesn’t live in the real world!)

Who Do We Apologize For?

Sometimes we apologize for ourselves. So we feel better. Less guilty.

Sometimes we apologize for the other person. We recognize the hurt we caused; we want to rectify it quickly.

Sometimes we apologize too easily, too frequently, and fall into patterns of the people pleaser. Excessive apologies accomplish little in the long run, seem disingenuous to those on the receiving end, and problematic behaviors are never adequately addressed.

Often, we apologize for the benefit of a healthy ongoing relationship. We don’t want the proverbial elephant in the room – so we say we’re sorry to clear the air.

When we recognize that the other person needs an apology, it can be advantageous to offer one. And isn’t that reason enough to consider it?

Parents Must Apologize, Too

As a parent, I’ve learned to apologize to my children when I respond with anger fueled by other worries. We expect our kids to apologize to us when they step out of line, don’t we? Shouldn’t we serve as an appropriate model?

When I’m in a romantic relationship, I’ve learned to apologize if my mood turns irritable or my words, too harsh. And I understand that both are more apt to occur if I’m sleep-deprived, in pain, or stressed.

By being specific and explaining what I was thinking, feeling, or assuming at the time I spoke or did something that unintentionally hurt, I’m sharing insight with those to whom I wish to apologize. It softens the process for me, as well as enabling the other person to accept the apology more readily – knowing that it’s sincere, and clearing up any assumptions or misunderstandings.

How to Apologize

For many people, an apology is the last albeit most important communication tool in the arsenal. So, can you learn to apologize? How exactly do you do it?

Personally, I find that specifics are helpful. If I wish to offer an apology for a stress-induced tone — in other words, I lost my cool due to other pressures — I might say

I’ve had this deadline on my mind all day and it’s wearing on my nerves. I’m sorry for snapping at you.

Depending upon the person – a loved one or friend – I may use body language to reinforce my effort at conciliation, reaching out and touching an arm or a hand.

Other examples of apologies?

A hug, a kiss, a smile, a simple and heartfelt “sorry.”

Too many apologies with no change in behavior? Too many apologies when circumstances are beyond your control?

Both may be of little consequence in the long run if the sources of friction remain unchallenged and unchanged. It takes real communication to lighten the load, but not every load can be lightened.

The False Sorry

Say Hello to the serial apologist! I’m sure we’ve all encountered those whose “sorry” is uttered with no comprehension of the actual wrong. This is what I think of as the “false sorry.”

I won’t say I’ve never done it. But generally, I prefer not to extend an inauthentic gesture unless it serves a vital purpose. Instead, I try to speak my mind but not offend, and if I do, I hope I’m adult enough to sincerely apologize.

Like any other imperfect human being, when I’m upset I’m as likely as anyone else to cross a line in anger. I also understand that sometimes “sorry” is not enough, and only time — if we’re lucky — will put a misunderstanding or misstep into proper perspective.

 

You May Also Enjoy

• Stop. Saying. Sorry.

• People Pleasers, Just Say No

• The Relationship Between Pain and Sleep

• My Way or the Highway: How to Argue With Someone Who Needs to Be Right