The ideal woman. Is there such a thing? We have media prototypes of course — blonde, busty, pouty lips. Oh, right. Perfect whiter-than-white teeth. And let’s not forget that bountiful booty is part of the picture.
I’m uncertain why the subject of beauty ideals would be circulating in my mind, though when a recurring thought does so, it’s likely that a dream planted the seed in my subconscious.
Perhaps that seed is the result of gathering input for an article on dating after divorce, a topic less current for me in recent years. Naturally, this means I’ve been catching glimpses of what 50-year-old men are saying they look for, which brings me back to the issue of the ideal woman as we imagine her in 21st century white America.
Media’s Ideal Woman
If we are to believe what we see on television (my first mistake?), or in magazines (my second mistake?), not to mention on social media (three strikes, you’re out?), then except for very old women, we of the female sex are still expected to be fit, smooth-skinned, and put together — at virtually any age.
And no, I will not put a number to “very old women.”
Now, I’m in favor of being fit (if possible), healthy (yes!), and taking care of ourselves (don’t we feel better?). But… What’s realistic? What’s plain crazy?!?
Incidentally, here are phrases from a non-representative sample of what men are looking for, including men in their 50s, 60s and 70s: “women who exercise,” “women who take care of themselves,” “women who are active,” “women who are trim.” In other words, anything but fat.
Not having glanced at online profiles in years, I somehow (foolishly?) thought the older gentleman might be looking for qualities that are substantive rather than superficial. I repeat: My brief survey is not representative, though I am struck by the number of men — themselves not particularly fit or attractive — expecting the ideal in the woman they seek.
By the way, my definition of unattractive (in a profile photo) is this: Men who are scowling, grimacing or leering; men obviously taking (poor) selfies; men using webcam shots in which they are looking down or making faces. Don’t even get me started on any body part pics…
As I also scanned profiles put online by women, I must say the results were visually superior; women take the time (and have the common sense) to use decent pictures.
Changes in Ideal Body Size and Shape for Women
Physically speaking, it’s interesting to see how the ideal American woman has changed in the past hundred years or so. We know that the corset was used to reconfigure our “assets,” cinching the waist and creating an impossibly hourglass shape. The 1920s brought about a freer, more boyish form, and Time’s Ideal Woman of the 1930s offers this, which refers to a Life Magazine description from 1938:
… the model, 20-year-old June Cox, stood 5 ft. 6 3/4 in. and weighed 124 lbs., though life insurance statistics, the magazine said, suggested she should weigh 135 lbs.
The magazine explained that American women’s increasing involvement in sports in recent years had made them taller and flatter, and as such, “the boyish form became the vogue.” But by the late ’30s, romantic-influenced clothing had returned to fashion, and a “soft feminine figure” was replacing the athletic form as the look du jour…
Of course, in the 1950s, the voluptuous figure of Marilyn Monroe became the ideal. By the late 1960s, Twiggy brought us a different norm. When I think of the 1970s and 80s, beyond Farrah Fawcett hair and then our perms, the “fit” woman comes to mind, followed by the Bay Watch ideal as embodied by Pamela Anderson who reigned in that role from 1992 to 1998.
Enter the toothy blonde with her DDs! And more than two decades later… we’re still here.
Qualities?
What else might men want in an ideal woman?
To hear some talk, they want a “faithful” woman, though I daresay that the Ashley Madison hack may have record numbers of wives streaming to divorce court and hoping, eventually, for a “faithful” man…
I also suspect that articulated or not, many men idealize a certain childlike quality. By that I mean an appearance of innocence, even submissiveness, or the suggestion of both. Didn’t Marilyn Monroe’s apparent vulnerability manifest exactly these qualities?
Incidentally, The Daily Mail would have us believe that a man’s ideal is blonde, blue-eyed, and… drum roll please… possessing a graduate degree!
Now, the source of this finding is a bit suspect, though I think the blonde and blue-eyed aspects are likely right on target. Gigi Hadid is one of the women noted as an ideal. May I clarify that she is 20 years old? (At the time the Mail article was written, she was only 19.) By way of additional information provided by the Daily Mail, “slender” is even more important than blonde, while non-smokers and social drinkers are also preferred.
As for that graduate degree, I just don’t buy it. My own “anecdotal” experience of smart women in the real world has shown me that men, including highly intelligent men, don’t want a woman they think they will compete with, no matter how gorgeous she may be. It takes a secure man to be comfortable with a woman who challenges their assumptions and feels free to disagree with them.
Heart of Gold, Strength of Steel
Like most of us, I prefer to look my best and be my most amiable as often as possible. However, my view of the ideal romantic partner of either gender is less plastic than what we typically see or hear. Aren’t we more interesting for our opinions and foibles? Don’t we adore the twinkle in a mischievous eye?
Whatever happened to appreciating the slight “flaw” in the magnificent Oriental rug? In a woman, that might equate to any number of imperfect, irresistible features, no? What about the slow simmer to be savored in a sultry voice or a sinful saunter?
Personally, when it comes to qualities, I’ll take a heart of gold in friends and lovers, and the strength of steel to get us through tough times. I would’ve thought that as men mature, they just might want the same.
My view of the ideal woman?
Yes, she has pride in her appearance and is attractive (in all its variations), the latter being highly subjective. (Some of us understand that smart is sexy, and humor can be the greatest aphrodisiac around.) I should hope she has a natural sensuality that comes out, more than anything, as a matter of who she is — confident, compassionate, intelligent, self-aware and an independent thinker. A sense of humor helps for all of us as well, don’t you think?
Image of Pamela Anderson, Wiki, free use. Image of Marilyn Monroe (1959), Wiki, public domain.
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In my interactions with men about women in both my generation and the next (through friends of my step daughters), I noticed a distinct preference for brunettes! It seems that darker hair is the ideal among those whom I have discussed the matter. Blonde seems to imply a superficiality. Oh well.
I agree DA:
“Yes, she has pride in her appearance and is attractive (in all its variations), the latter being highly subjective. (Some of us understand that smart is sexy, and humor can be the greatest aphrodisiac around.) I should hope she has a natural sensuality that comes out, more than anything, as a matter of who she is — confident, compassionate, intelligent, self-aware and an independent thinker. A sense of humor helps for all of us as well, don’t you think?”
I would add strong but not bossy. I would also add kind and empathetic.
As for looks, why does there have to be a look? Why would or should I have a perfect ideal of the American woman? I consider Halle Berry, Kate Beckinsale, Naomi Watts, Nicole Kidman and yes, even blondes like Kate Hudson and Reese Witherspoon attractive for different reasons.
D.A. You nailed it !! Everything you wrote is spot on. And based on my experience.
Look, I get that a man may not want someone very overweight.
But stuff happens to people, sometimes we cannot be as fit as we like.
Like now I am about 20 pounds over my “fit” weight, but yet still that isn’t good enough for men I try to date.
They are also carrying a little extra weight, but they want the woman to be fit.
I am in my 50’s and there is nothing physically attractive to me in a man my age or older. Even if he is “fit” that isn’t everything.
I look inside his heart, his qualities, his mind, his sense on humor, that is what I will be attracted to.
Why can’t men do the same ??
It is so frustrating trying to date in your 50’s unless you look like Christie Brinkley. Yeah if I had her money I would look that good too.
And BS that they claim it is all natural.
No it isn’t.
I have talked to many men over the phone. They seem to fall in love with me just through conversation, but then when they meet me in person, I am not pretty enough because they disappear. Not that they were some prize either.
No loss but theirs of missing out on an amazing woman that I am.
Sunny – So nice to hear from you. (How have you been?)
You make good points in your comment, certainly in my view. I have had very similar experiences, at least with American men. And in a recent foray into the world of online dating once again, I am reminded at how ridiculous it is to see extremely overweight middle-aged and older men who insist upon much younger, thin and/or “fit” women. The double standard is astonishing.
That said, my experience with European men on the other hand, has been more “forgiving” of the realities of the natural process of aging.
Thanks for asking. Been doing ok.
The job is going very well. Just feel a little alone here , not knowing anyone .
It’s hard to meet people .
During the week I work until 9:00 pm.
I have weekends off , but still hard to socialize much.
Btw I agree with you about European men. They are not as shallow as American men.
Unfortunately where I live now isn’t exactly a hot spot for Europeans.
I used to live in Europe, they actually prefer women who are curvy and they don’t worry so much about age.
They date around their age.
Unless they are super rich , then I think they also want younger.
I am on a few dating sites. Unfortunately to get my foot through the door with men my own age I have to lie about my age.
So I put my age as 48. ( I’m 53 )
Anyways this man who is 63 sends me a message saying – I am looking to date someone my own age .
I am just floored cause ummm excuse me 48 is hardly around your own age .
Even at 53 , for me 63 is just too old .
I would have nothing in common with a guy in his 60’s.
Ugh. Seriously. Sometimes you wonder what are they thinking ???
I get it. Sadly. They don’t all go much younger, but many do… because they can.