“I know I’m invisible,” a friend said a few weeks back. It was an unguarded moment over a quick drink, and I understood the subtext, which is this: I’m past the age when heads turn or people notice my appearance for the right reasons. And I accept it, though with regret.
My friend is a busy woman, an accomplished woman, a woman who looks forward and not back. Yet that doesn’t mean she can’t feel the occasional pang glancing into a mirror and noting the changes.
For two days I mulled her remarks and the undercurrent of determined resolve in her voice as she quickly moved on to other subjects. Those subjects are about going and doing and achieving, about interesting people, projects, politics.
An extremely attractive woman one would put at 52 or 53, personality alone renders her a force to be reckoned with. Yet the ‘invisible’ remark left me peevish.
Perhaps invisible is too strong a term or the wrong term altogether. Perhaps ‘overlooked’ in specific circumstances — a growing number of circumstances that impact her life — would be more accurate. Perhaps ‘irrelevant’ in a context we still remember vividly would be on target.
At 50+ are we overlooked or irrelevant to a 25-year old?
Possibly, depending on what we are saying and where and to whom. Possibly, if we are entering a party and expecting a flirtation. But is this really a surprise? Wasn’t it the same for us when we were that age?
If we are disrespected, or feel as if we are disrespected by virtue of age (or the appearance of age), is that what rankles?
If we feel dismissed by men our own age who prefer younger women, is that a different issue?
For some of us, invisibility is nothing new. Women, in particular, are invisible for any number of reasons. They may be too plain, too short, too fat, too “something” which results in them being not enough of whatever it takes to be noticed in a positive and affirming way, when it’s a matter of appearance, that is.
The consequence is this: People don’t take any special notice. For most of us that’s not a concern and it may even provide considerable benefits. But at a certain age or stage, when we are trying to feel our way to what attractiveness means, it’s another story. But it certainly isn’t the end of the story or the only story, or even the most important subplot in the story of who we are becoming and how we are leading our lives.
How we look and how we are treated as a result are important, but more important — the person we are, the person we project, the person who experiences fully and contributes in a real way.
Sure, this is my slant, my experience, my perspective on my own years of being invisible and then not and then invisible again and then and then and then… ultimately living two decades when what was important had little to do with reactions to my entering a room and everything to do with the daily details of raising two children, (wo)manning a laptop, and keeping a roof over our heads.
I was too busy living, loving, mothering and working to worry about what anyone was thinking except of course those to whom I am closest and those on whom I depended for a paycheck.
And to them, I am not now and never will be invisible.
Nor irrelevant.
Nor without value.
At least, that is my hope, though we never know.
OF course, you don’t have to be seen to be heard, to be felt, to be a force, to make a difference.
But looking in the mirror and processing the undeniable signs of age can be a challenge. I will not pretend otherwise. Some days it’s trivial and you shrug it off. Other days, you wonder at the pace of the changes lately, at how long before it’s difficult to recognize yourself, how many others among your old friends might line up beside you in front of that glass and nod if you ask: “Are you feeling invisible?”
A wise man said this to me recently: “It’s hard to love others when you don’t love yourself.” He was right of course, and most of us have periods on our lives when we are less than pleased with who we are, how we are reacting under distress or duress, or risk-taking, our fearfulness, or for that matter, how we look.
While we cannot change the past, we can modify our behaviors, we can shift our attitudes, and we can change what we are determined to change that is within our power to change, though not certain aspects of our physical selves nor the march of time as it leaves its stories. What we can do is fill ourselves out fully in the ways we believe are important — creatively, compassionately, intellectually, relationally, professionally. And filling the coffers financially is not to be disregarded.
When there is a mismatch between the person we imagined ourselves to be (or once were) and the one we believe we are (who is no longer “seen”), we may ache, we may withdraw, we may struggle to act in loving ways to others because of the way we feel about ourselves. The kindness we need to show, first and foremost, is to ourselves. And I say again — not as one who is invisible, irrelevant, or without value.
And then you get on with the living, knowing all that lies ahead, with the same resolute determination as exemplified by my beautiful friend.
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I have been teaching for 15 years…last year our school changed leadership and all of the older faculty became invisible. While sad and concerning, I have just poured myself into my other life…writer, blogger etc. While I still teach and occasionally lament the past, I am having so much fun with my other life that I feel anything but invisible. It is about focus and attitude and confidence. I really believe we can all find new visions and passions to live for…yes, it takes work, but it is fun!!
I am glad you are finding other activities to enjoy so much, Pam. But it is disheartening to see how younger people, and not necessarily in their 20s, continue to regard those who are older, in particular, women.
I can’t tell you how many times I have had women friends over 45 say to me that they went to a doctor who dismissed their physical concerns / words about not feeling well, handing over antidepressants.
This is an example of just regarding a woman in midlife or older in a way that could potentially be extremely dangerous, or should I say, hazardous to her health. And incidentally it isn’t just male doctors in their 30s and 40s who treat women in their 50s 60s and 70s this way; women do it as well.
Thanks so much for stopping by and sharing your experience!
As I’ve edged past the 50s marker, I’m totally absorbed by focusing energy and excitement on my divorce guidance business, new realtor career and continuing to expand my knowledge in all sorts of areas.
During the many years my energies were taken up by the hands on needs and care of 3 kiddos, I didn’t have the time or flexibility to take on anything too involved.
These new opportunities have opened up new skills, abilities, and connections to me- and that is so rewarding on an intrinsic level- regardless of how others respond to me.
I love that you are so focused on new ventures! What a great example you are!
I am a single (divorced) man who will be 63 in October. When I walk down the street, no one looks at me once, never mind twice. I am, according to a recent spate of articles, invisible. Several woman wrote about feeling discarded by society. Was this in fact true, or was this merely a perception on their part? With the world population surpassing seven billion, I, for one, am a mere grain of sand on the beach of life. I am invisible, neglected, discarded, and ignored by seven billion people who are not necessarily being malicious, but who are attempting to live their own lives.
“It’s hard to love others when you don’t love yourself.”
People who are good don’t brag. Why? They’re good. They know it. They live it. They’re self-confident because they know they can do it. They’re good.
Yes, we can be invisible in the eyes of others, but we don’t have to be invisible to ourselves. I’ll wear my cloak of invisibility out in public and continue doing what I’m doing. I have worth. I have value. And I will patiently wait for the rest of the world to catch up and recognise that fact.
Excellent points all, Mr. Belle, though I am sorry you are experiencing this. On the other hand, I agree that there are advantages to being a face in the crowd.
I suspect part of the problem is our culture in which we place so much store in being noticed, rather than “being.”
I read this had a thought and my phone rang! Thought has left me…….. and I need to leave the CASA!
Will re-visit later!
XO
I was drawn to this topic as well, after Ayelet Waldman’s revelation that women after 50 are “irrelevant.” First, I thought, speak for yourself Ayelet. Second, if we have daughters the last message we should be sending is that we outlive our relevance by 20 or 30 or more years.
I like the takeaway of your point above: to whom we’re relevant never changes, and William Belle’s – we should not confuse being noticeable with being valuable.
Nice job on this one, as usual.
Invisible… Though I can understand your friend’s comment, I cannot relate…Not because I consider myself “visible,” but because I don’t concern myself with such matters.
Then, again, there are times in my day job, my parenting role, and my married collaboration where I feel like I’m not being heard/understood/taken seriously… I guess if we break it down, not being heard is a form of being invisible, yet in a form that we can do something about! 😉
Despite the undeniable changes in my midsection and the once flawless facial skin, I still live each day by that motto, “You’re only as old as you feel.” Every time someone asks me my age? I literally have to do the math… Let’s pretend that age doesn’t have a thing to do with that… 😉
I realised I’d finally made ‘invisible’ when I ran past some young men in a slightly rough area and they took no notice; what a relief! Since I’m married I don’t generally plan to go to a party to flirt. I’m never invisible to my friends nor they to me. As to the rest of the world, I’m not really bothered. Mine is more an internal world where I’m (still) pushing myself to be my best self. I’ve just come through a health scare and I’m so relieved not to have a miserable diagnosis there are a huge number of things that simply aren’t important just now. Being treated as invisible by younger people is perhaps part of Western culture. If nothing else, perhaps some of us might take comfort in knowing what goes around will be coming back around..when they get older, should they have that privilege!
Im male 50 years old, single, actually homeless, unemployed but not unemployable, just not enough work in my field or not getting the jobs despite my age. I don’t agree with being invisible. I inflict it on myself as I have nothing to show that is any good to even talk about which leaves me very shy. Making new friends is not easy. I believe I need to be living happy and wealthy to not be invisible and I don’t think age is a factor. I think its how well a person is at talking to strangers and I certainly find that difficult as I’m also partly deaf. And I’ve never been in a relationship nor had a girlfriend since high school. I wish I could just start my life from scratch and be in a better life.
Mark, How long have you been in the situation of homeless / unemployed / underemployed? Are there any services in your area that you can take advantage of to deal with these ‘survival’ issues first and foremost?
And yes, invisibility comes in many ways at different times and for different reasons. To be isolated, to feel unseen by others (and society) is very very hard.
How can we help? Even as a means to float ideas or, at the very least, to know that you are seen — and heard?
I turned 52, was let go in 2011 then lost my mother in 2014. I am an only child with no parents, unemployed. my family does not talk to me, or stay in touch with me. I have been okay but there are times I cry my eyes out and its painful. I have been disappointed by losing a great job, and also I feel i have lost my family for they should make an effort knowing I am totally alone. I also live in an area that is changing and there is a lot of harassment by neighbors. I worry I will never meet someone and have a future with a partner, and I do feel age discrimination is the reason we are not being hired. My mother worked hard to put me through school, likewise i worked for a top 5 company legal department in NYC. It seems everyone living on my block is renting rooms to section 8 or otherwise. I noticed also the people on my block are nasty and have been antagonizing and abusing my property by blocking my driveway. I have been very angry last few weeks and realized time to just calm down. There should be a support group formed for us in this situation