Recently, I got into a bit of a tiff with a male friend over the issue of money and marital status, as I insisted that more women are screwed financially by divorce than the other way around.
And the older you get, the tougher it is.
As for my friend, although he divorced at midlife — a “gray” divorce — he didn’t engage in the usual acrimonious and adversarial battles over assets. You know the sort: those that line the attorneys’ pockets and leave one or both parties miserable with the end result.
I would like to think that my friend isn’t the exception, but I have known many women, especially those divorcing at 45 or older, who have found themselves stunned by what awaits them and the enormity of the challenges of starting over in their 50s or older.
Gone are the days of de facto alimony — as in the 1967 Hollywood farce, Divorce American Style, slyly played out by Dick Van Dyke and Debbie Reynolds. In its place are very real concerns of trying to survive.
Asking Tough Financial Questions
For women who are considering separation or divorce, you need to ask yourself tough questions.
- If you have work, can you live on your own pay? Are you “employed” and therefore receiving benefits, or are you dependent on your spouse’s benefits? Are you working as an independent contractor and left to deal with (unpaid) sick time, (unpaid) disability, (uncompensated) periods of unemployment, the employer portion of social security (U.S.) in addition to your own, and lack of any employment protections?
- Do you have a rainy day fund? If an emergency arises, how long can you hold out without your own income or for that matter, some portion of your spouse’s? Have you included all the factors you need in calculating the rainy day fund you ought to have?
- Do you have assets of your own that are not considered communal? Do you have any retirement savings? Does your spouse have retirement savings, to which you have most likely contributed indirectly through your greater amount of energies devoted to home, family and his career?
- If you don’t have a job now, how rusty are your skills? Can you find work? Will your legal troubles disrupt the process? Will you run into age discrimination as you look for a job, which is certainly prevalent despite discrimination laws?
- Are you still raising kids (or your kids’ kids) at 50 or 55? Parenting your own children is certainly possible if you had your children in your late 30s or early-to-mid 40s. Can you afford what tweens and teens require, even in public schools, like driver’s education, teen driver car insurance, fees associated with high school programs, not to mention the cost of college applications and college itself?
- At midlife, many of us are dealing with aging parents and eldercare issues. Have you factored in that time and those expenses – which may involve your parents and his parents – especially as it is more frequently women who take on that caretaking role?
- What about that dwindling pool of potential suitors if finding a relationship will be a priority? Do you think it will be easy? Have you tried putting in your real age online if the first digit happens to be a 5? Don’t we all know how commonplace it is for men over 50 to date younger?
Clearly, the questions I’m asking pertain to the proverbial middle class. How much of this is moot for those who are the working poor?
Money Makes the World Go Around…
What is the greatest fear of midlife women?
You got it. Financial survival. And women going through gray divorce are more at risk.
Addressing the “big money mistake” that divorcing women make, Forbes and Next Avenue mention not splitting retirement assets in an article that situates the problem:
As you have probably heard, gray divorce is a thing. The National Center for Family & Marriage Research says the divorce rate among adults 50 and older doubled from 1990 to 2010. And in 2010, 11% of men and 15% of women age 65 to 75 were divorced, according to a new report from the U.S. Census Bureau. (In 1960… just 2% of men and 2% of women that age were.)
Consider for a moment this article, also appearing on Forbes via Next Avenue, with data from summer 2014, in which a Prudential study on women’s financial experience and behaviors is cited:
Not surprisingly, the “Confidence Gap” (the measure of women’s confidence in their ability to attain their financial goals) has not improved over [a] 10-year span…
While 75% of the 1,407 American women (age 25 to 68) polled said having enough money to maintain their lifestyle throughout retirement was very important, only 14% were very confident they will meet that goal. And just 20% said they felt prepared to make smart money moves.
Worrisome, no? Regardless of marital status.
Spousal Support? Think Again.
Incidentally, this article on Forbes from 2013 discusses the purpose of alimony and considerations on alimony reforms. You might find it informative.
Key points in the article that are directly related to the discussion of midlife divorce and financial situation include:
After several decades, he is at the peak of his earning potential (thanks in part to her) and she is relatively unemployable (except for some low paying clerical or minimum wage job).
Even though they may be dividing assets 50-50, he, because of his earning power will replace some or all of those assets over time while she, because of her lack of earning power, will be liquidating assets from day one and will ultimately go broke. The purpose of alimony is to somewhat equalize this disparity.
Note that alimony is also known as spousal support, and like child support, the statutes differ by state – sometimes dramatically – so divorcing women should familiarize themselves with state-specific laws.
Knowledge Is Power
If the goal is to minimize long-term financial harm to all parties involved, what might help?
For women, try these on for size: financial literacy, asking more questions, educating ourselves before divorce (if we possibly can), and making no assumptions during or after when it comes to money, career, finding a new man, finding a “provider,” or landing on our feet.
While we may all hope this is an improving picture over time, let’s not forget this reality. According to the American Association of University Women, these are the figures on female earnings by ethnicity, and what we earn on the white male dollar:
… Asian women earn 87 cents;
… White women earn 78 cents;
… African-American women earn 64 cents;
… Latina women earn 53 cents.
Demographic data from 2012 also show that women earn the least in the 45-54 and 54-65 age brackets. I find that surprising (considering the experience we would have at that stage), and disheartening to say the least.
Can we have amicable divorces with reasonable financial arrangements?
Yes, of course. But remember – splitting the assets of one household into two means less to live on, with expenses that are not necessarily reduced by the same percentage, or reduced at all. So I would ask again: Do you have work that will enable you to support yourself? And in the future? And for retirement?
And if there is an emergency of some sort – medical for example, or an issue with a child? How will you manage that? If not piles of money, do you have a strong support system?
Recovery Is Possible
As for whether or not we can land on our feet, it is possible of course. But we’re far more likely to be crawling our way back to a life we recognize, than picking up our stride as quickly as we might like.
As referenced in the articles I mention, midlife women are working at lower paying jobs, with less time to recover and save than if we were younger, and with more challenges as we grow older – and quite possibly, grow older alone.
In the discussion with my friend, he was adamant that people shouldn’t condemn themselves to staying in unhappy marriages forever, particularly once kids are out of the nest and on their own. This is typical of the gray divorce attitude: “I stuck it out, I raised my kids, and I want something more before it’s too late.”
This attitude exists for both men and women whose marriages have seemingly reached a dead end.
I nonetheless pointed out that his career was not impacted by divorce, his medical insurance was not interrupted, and his health was not affected in any way. Nor was his identity suddenly shifted as it would have been if he had been breadwinner as well as primary caregiver to children, responsible for keeping a home, and support system for his partner’s career.
Moreover, he retained half of all his assets, and his dating life has thrived, even in his 50s. That is a far cry from what many women go through, as their recovery from midlife divorce involves a more extensive set of challenges.
Priorities, Lifestyle
Do I believe that we should stay in lifeless marriages until the day we die?
Hardly. But short of virulent situations, and most of us know what those are, I believe that we should do everything in our power to address the issues at hand and rebuild. I know all too well that may not be possible, and I return to this: If we keep our eyes wide open, if we do our homework, if we fight for what we are entitled to, if we take ownership of financial realities and work to be better informed, then we are better positioned to establish a new life.
Among other things, that new life may encourage us to reevaluate priorities – both personal and professional – and to simplify in positive ways. This is more difficult when you are still raising children, and if you are restricted to a geographic area (by custody and visitation) where you have difficulty making a living. The bottom line: You shouldn’t have to beg, borrow or steal to make it week to week or month to month.
All the more reason for proper knowledge and representation during a midlife divorce.
Moreover, just because you’ve been a female breadwinner in the past, don’t assume that carrying the load on your own (or with kids) will be an easy road to travel. That said, you may find you are pushed to discover and create new professional opportunities that open up a whole new world — more entrepreneurial, financially viable, and deeply satisfying.
Meanwhile, check out the articles above if you missed them. They make strong points and offer excellent suggestions for upping your comfort level with financial matters. As for getting more comfortable with any decisions regarding marriage, there are many online resources.
Be sure to check out what is applicable in your state of residence. The differences are significant.
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My two divorces cost me money but in the long run – actually in the short – I was much better off financially. Both these husbands were spendthrifts and I was a saver. It irked no end that I had to fork over half my savings but after that I had total say over where my money went and more of it went to replace that savings.
Of course I was better off because I didn’t have kids to support. They change the equation a lot. Marriage, for a woman with money, is a big risk if the man isn’t equally well off. As you say, state laws differ but if they don’t ‘have community property’ like California, they’ll likely have something like ‘equitable distribution’. My rental property and Mom’s life insurance were all ‘inheritance’ and so weren’t considered in the division, but everything else was fair game.
Neither husband was particularly nasty about the divorce; one left me with a house that was worthless (lousy location, practically falling down), another took half the equity in a quite good house (I had a bit of time to save up to pay that cash) and it’s still paying me rent. Two people can obviously afford a better lifestyle than one person on their own – that’s the general rule; it would seem that if you make poor financial choices – as those men did and have – one person (me) can have a much better lifestyle on her own. Bill obviously helps me with that, but our lifestyle is based on the foundation of what I had when we got together.
Thanks for joining the discussion, Shelley. A key factor as you point out: kids, or their absence.
I have a friend who has been divorced three times now and probably won’t be able to retire until he is 198.
The first and third divorces were relatively amicable but the second one was awful. Not sure it would have mattered because the money he spent on each was significant.
Part of the reason number two was so bad was her father bankrolled an expedition to destroy him. He is not the only one of my friends to go through something like that.
When you take deep pockets and combine them with a desire to destroy, the wreckage is massive. In my experience, that combination is the worst when there are children in involved. I’ve seen it too many times myself. I’m sorry about your friend, Jack. As for retirement, I estimate my own at roughly 101. 🙂 No dalmations required.
ok the 101 reference has me chuckling…
I had a fairly straight-forward 50/50 divorce, in terms of assets, but in terms of the emotional care of young-adult children….it’s all mine. That’s OK, though. I am closer to my children than he was, so it makes sense. That’s not why I’m writing: I am in a quandary about my life right now, 1.5 years post-divorce. It’s the starting over thing, I’m 55: I am employed and receive a steady, average salary, health care, retirement–all the stuff that’s hard to let go of. Is the job fabulous–nope, but the people sure are nice. However, we came to this small town 12 years ago for his career advancment, not mine. Thankfully, my ex has moved away (for better career opportunities, BTW). I stayed until my kids got out of high school and went on to college. I have never felt at home here–my family is elsewhere, my kids have moved away. It’s a small, small town–not a lot of women like me, and there are not a lot of men my age who aren’t married (or that I don’t ride the city bus with–slim pick’ins!) However, I am conflicted about moving and giving up my financial security for the potential promise of a new career and new life. I’m not where near where I should be with retirement savings, etc. I dream about a new life daily, hourly, really. I feel like there’s a life out there that I’m missing out on. One day I’m committed to leaving, the next I think it’s an irresponsible idea. Has anyone else had this experience? Love to hear from you!
I would be HIGHLY reluctant to give up a job with NICE coworkers, decent benefits, etc. I have had so many survival jobs, that didn’t have NICE anything and I wanted OUT, ha. I think you need to weigh the obvious options of departure. Can you actually FIND a lateral or upward move in a new location? If family support is lacking or the distance is making you sad, can you rally the family in a job search that would make a move worth it? Live with relatives until you can establish yourself again? If companionship is what is missing in the equation, have you tried online dating? Could be a chance there. Being miserable where you are, or having that STUCK feeling isn’t healthy. If the town was his turf, and you just can’t endure the reminders, maybe send out feelers and see what comes up.
I also have a close friend who is on his 3rd divorce with kids. Ouch! He makes really good money but the support for 3 kids is killing him. He has to pay wife’s mortgage and some expenses and support for kids. He has downsized into a 1 bedroom condo. Despite all the moneys being allocated, the children are the ones who get hurt the most emotionally.
I’m sorry to hear this, Shonell. Sometimes, divorce is a win for all – eventually. Other times, it’s a win in some ways, and a lost in others. It can be a win for one and devastating to the other, with all kinds of repercussions on kids that are a mixed bag. There’s no “one result” in any of it, but sadly, the financial wreckage can be more long-lasting than many realize.
Loss of a spouse seems to mean financial ruin regardless of death or divorce. Many didn’t have the best of plans for this-me included. From what I have observed though, women overall are the big losers. They still don’t make the same income for the same job, they aren’t promoted as quickly and they usually have to take jobs that work around schedules for daycare, or other aspects of childrearing. And because it happens usually at a time when most are approaching what I dub the “nonprofit” years, women can’t recoup. They didn’t put in the time required to truly establishing themselves in the workplace. They took maternity leave, or time off to parent, and they LOST career opportunities for advancement. If they are lucky enough to find another relationship, the previous baggage limits their financial choices in the new relationship.
I won’t remarry again, just because I would lose out financially if ANYTHING happened, and I can’t afford to give up what little I have. I have seen my peers forfeit everything in BAD situations by attentive con man, that cleaned them out after saying I do. I have had “sniffers” in my life, they want to know my net worth, assets, etc, before knowing anything else. and I sent them packing. I have adopted a cynical perspective after watching friends be wiped out by these types. And sadly they found out that their relationship wasn’t exclusive, they had younger gals on the side. Men can continually date…I have seen it, and I use to work for a dating service and it didn’t matter how old, out of shape, lack of personality, there was ALWAYS a gal who would go out with them, and usually they were younger. Women, on the other hand, could be educated, well spoken, fit, interesting, fun, etc. and if they were over 45, forget them finding anyone. There was a stigma. It was the reality, and it STUNK.
Men aren’t interested in their peers for the most part after they reach 40…How many people will move heaven and earth to assist a single dad? But most single moms have to do everything for the most part on their own. How many will get the aging widower or male divorcee a date, or fix meals or try to include them in activities and stuff, but the women are forgotten and banished to Siberia. It is alarming, but it is the norm. I am not being biased, I have lived it, seen it, and find it to be the sociological norm rather than the exception. And it does anger me and sadden me at the same time. It isn’t just the dating, it is also the undertone of the workplace, a male usually gets the job over a female, b-e-c-a-u-s-e he has to “support” a family. He has “obligations”, and the perception is a male employee is more stable, more willing to work overtime, more company focused, etc. The deck is stacked against most women financially, is my observation.
I was divorced after 27 years. He left and I filed. He lost his business during the divorce but has started a new one exactly like the old one with his new wife. Because he filed bankruptcy and everything fell back on me, I had to file but I am paying off the debts for my car. I needed something to drive because I am raising our adopted grandchild. I am disabled but it’s from pain and fatigue and no one can tell by looking at me. My grandson has learning disorders and to top it all off I am taking care of my father who is dying. I live in his mobile home because my disability is not enough to do anything.
My lawyer left me the day of the final divorce because I could not pay…. needless to say I was screwed. No spousal support, bare minimum on child support which he didn’t pay for a year and got over $8,000 behind… then the judge orders him to pay $14 a week in back support for the $8,000. What a joke! He was working under the table and I couldn’t prove it.
I am trying to move on but my life was turned upside down. I’m slowly getting over my anger. He remarried and I actually hope he’s miserable. I know it’s wrong of me but I can’t help how I feel about it all.
So my question is how do I date? I have no resources for my grandchild and parent. I have no energy at all. I’m tired and feel like I’m aging by the day. I just want someone to stand with me in this thing we call life. Someone to share with… to help out financially. I really hate not having a nice home. I was blessed my whole life with nice things…. Is this my ending of life?