This came up in conversation: How many men over 50 date younger women? I insisted that whatever the stats might show, it would be a large number, and if men had the option, their dating preferences for women 10 or 20 years younger would swell.
I attempted to find an answer via The Google, seeking the percentage of men in the US who date ten or more years younger; to my surprise, what popped up first were articles on cougar women dating younger men!
I had just read a comment by a 50-something-year-old woman who has not been successful at finding a relationship in the Atlanta area. She is considering relocation, and hoping for more options elsewhere.
A Good Man Is Hard to Find
As my significant other was scoffing at my insistence that it’s tough for women to find good men once they’re over age 45 much less 50, I reminded him that I possess plenty of experience in matters of Second Life Socializing.
First, there is the fact that before meeting him, I spent nearly seven years on and off dating sites – and on two continents. I fared better in France, in general. In the US, I was likely to hear from men 10 to 20 years older. I wasn’t up for becoming Nurse Nancy, and that seemed in some instances the only option!
Beyond my own anecdotal assumptions, I also have many 50-year-old friends (and readers) across the country, who are well acquainted with the older man-younger woman phenomenon – even among aging boomers.
“Why would a man not want a woman he can talk with intelligently?”
That’s what my cohort in crime wanted to know. I looked at him and raised my eyebrows as he began to smirk.
“Besides that,” he said.
“Here’s why,” I responded. “Not just a younger body in bed, but a trophy on the arm, a woman who is less likely to contradict him, a woman less likely to compete with him even inadvertently, and less need to compromise. Most of these middle-aged men have been married before, and they view the younger woman as easier, lighter, and it feels good… however long it lasts.”
“Sounds like a car,” he said.
“Men love new cars,” I grumbled.
Wisely, he replied: “Yes, I love cars, too. But I love all models.”
As nice as that is to hear, in my experience, he is the exception.
The Appeal of the Older Man
I certainly remember my younger days when I went out with older men. In my early twenties, guys my age had little to offer me intellectually, and my dark, excessively curvy look was anything but the desired American norm.
As I grew older and matured, I dated men closer to my age. And after divorce, while I saw some friends date older (because the men had bank), I frequently dated younger; not by design, but because we had more in common – our children were the same age.
Thinking for a moment, my man friend added this: “I understand. I do. For one thing, women are attracted at a certain point to older men who are smart and established. But if there is a significant gap, when the aging process progresses, over time it becomes a non-relationship.”
I nodded, as he continued: “Generally speaking, if I’m going on a site to have sex with younger women, then it makes sense. But if I want a real relationship, one that will last, I want someone close to my own age.”
“You’re a rare bird,” I said. “Why do you think so many women lie about their age – especially online – regardless of how they look or feel?”
And he is indeed a rarity, which I would like to back up with numbers, though finding the appropriate statistics remains a challenge.
“How long would that last?” he asked. “Five years, maybe?”
“Even so,” I said.
Invisible Women? A Matter of the Eye of the Beholder
Unwilling to give up my search for data, I find more useful tidbits on the non-American press. For example, The Guardian UK addresses the challenges of midlife dating for single women in this article, which quotes a writer who describes the no man’s land where many middle-aged females find themselves.
The anonymous woman, whose blog is called The Plankton, is not alone in believing that there are problems specific to being a single woman in middle age. A survey this month found eight out of 10 women over 50 think they have become invisible to men.
I dare say, this is more than “thinking” we dwell in no man’s land, or as the author of The Plankton puts it quite colorfully, “a plankton on the food chain of sexuality and the prospect of a relationship.”
So just what are those numbers?
Again, I struggle to locate reliable statistics.
Sure, we have Huff Post on Dating Dealbreakers for the over 50 crowd – apparently hygiene is more of a concern than one might think – and Match.com may offer the recommendation not to “get hung up on chronological age,” but don’t we know better? Those of us who live it? Those of us who are honest? The men who are honest, and unlike my European gentleman friend, more likely to want what theoretically promises to be an easier pairing, at least temporarily?
This thought continues to tumble around in my mind: When older men trade in the original model for younger women, where does that leave the women they discard? Left to “care take” even older men?
Strategies for Finding a Good Man?
There are those who have always believed that nice guys finish last – and the same goes for nice women. To “get” and keep a guy, you need to be elusive, mysterious, a bit of a bitch. For some of us, this strategy simply won’t fly.
Others of course go the cosmetic surgery route. They chase a nip here, a tuck there – my place is not to judge (though I have my opinions); what saddens me is when nothing ever feels like it’s enough, and the surgeons get rich off our youth-obsessed culture.
Listen. I’m not saying we don’t all have non-negotiables. (We do.) Nor am I saying that practical matters like health and finance aren’t important. (They are.) I’m not saying it’s impossible to find someone to love who is your contemporary. But I firmly believe it is more likely to happen “in the real world” than when we’re meeting by checklist in the virtual universe of endless potential dates.
And that just may mean saying “yes” to every opportunity to meet new people – every way we can.
It is in that genuinely real world that our immediate impressions are a matter of mutual attraction and energy, a spark (or its absence), and then, chronological age really isn’t the issue at all. Instead, it’s the everything else – including practical considerations on both sides – in a more well-balanced formula and relationship that proceeds more naturally.
On a final note, I will reference the last posted musing by The Plankton, now nearly a year old. This funny (and raw) writer informs us of a woman she has heard of who is a “right bitch.” She has met a man who is:
… kind, sophisticated, clever, funny, generous, adores her and they are in the vortex of Happily Ever After.
Go figure. But I wonder if he’s 10 years older…
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I do not know if there is a part of the US where this is not the case. In many places, it is the norm. I was mistaken, many times, for my step father’s wife while in the desert for 8 weeks. There are 21 years between us and that is not an oddity out there.
I hear you on that one, Nikki. It still surprises me though.
While in the past, I personally have assumed that men seek younger women because they are easier going and less maintenance, at this point I think it’s more a matter of just physical attraction. By the time we are in our 40s or 50s, “younger women” then us are in their late 20s and 30s. Those women are educated, interesting, experienced, not necessarily less maintenance and certainly not less able to hold a conversation. So, to be crass, I think it’s a matter of men being able to get great women in younger physical packages. What we “older” women can do about that, I’m not so sure. My plan is to focus on creating a wonderful life for myself and a great man will be icing, if and when he comes along.
I hear you, Surviving Limbo. (I was ‘interesting’ at 35, too. :). So were most of the women I knew.)
“Nurse Nancy,” eh? Not your style for sure… 😉
When I was a teenager someone mistook me for my father’s date, while we were out car shopping for my first vehicle. EWWW… I haven’t made the connection to that event and the fact that my best friend’s father dated one of her classmates, until reading this post…
And just a week ago, I met a guy whose father not only dated one of his son’s classmates, they married and now have a toddler…a 25 year gap in their ages…
I’m like you, DA, attracted to older men when I was younger, then my age, then married someone four years younger… not exactly Cougar material, but I can still roar… 😉
Happy New Year, DA! You’re writing is still just as diverse and intriguing as ever! 🙂
I’ve never found age to be a problem except in my own head. I “feel” uncomfortable with younger men. And, that means a great deal to me. Knowing they have every kind of choice. A student from UT once drove all night to see me (years ago), he was gorgeous…but A STUDENT! I died laughing at his behavior and couldn’t imagine what he could see in me. But he saw something, maybe an elegant woman who reminded him of his mother? Anyway. MillionaireMatch.com is an excellent resource. One can write their own profile, there are no multiple choice questions to answers. It’s YOU and you alone making the presentation. I met many many many men, all lovely guys, no bad experiences, however, I’ve considered writing a book about it and it would be called “Mis-Matched.com.” :)’s
Do it Marsha!
I prefer to look to Deborra-Lee Furness (13 yrs senior to her husband, Hugh Jackman) and Barbara Hershey (21 yrs senior to her ex-companion, Naveen Andrews). What about Madonna, who topped husband Guy Ritchie by a decade?
Admittedly, my husband is 11 yrs older than I am, but part of the reason I chose him was my hope that he had passed any midlife crisis stirrings by the time we met. Yes, there is a chance I will end up tending him in his old age, but cancer, the great equalizer, may strike me instead.
Older or younger, I don’t think age really plays a part unless the youngest is in their teens or the oldest is in their 90’s. More important is the ability to carry on a conversation, enjoy each others’ company, and share core values.
Some of the women may hope to avoid the stereotypical male midlife crisis. Some of the men may hope to avoid women going through menopause. One way it another, we all age – if we’re lucky!
I agree with Deja Vow in that there are definitely exceptions. I see that in my Mom’s own marriage (she is more than ten years older than her Husband and they are the happiest couple I know). And I just want to add – because I know that you are always interested in a pov of what is happening in France – all of the women that I know that are mid- 40s and above that are divorced are mightily struggling to find a man that is interested in them. Sadly, the men dating younger trend has hit here too…
Thank you for a year of mightly fine writing.
Thank you, Heather, and Marsha and Deja Vow for weighing on on this one. (Sad, what you say about the similar trend in France.)
Et merci pour le compliment!
DA I agree with your significant other on all points. I also think that the dynamic is changing in that as women gain power, money, position and take all new anti aging actions they often seek younger men as well. Hence your search which came up with the older woman and younger men websites. In essence many people do this because they can and often are not looking for long term relationships.
Also certain women look for men that are older for financial reasons. Hence certain men like a friend (48) of mine who is in great shape, and good looking and a nice guy has difficulty as he is a high school teacher without great funds.
There seems to be a great deal of importance placed on compliance with men in their 50s for the main quality they want in a partner. Men want a woman who will get along with them. Many men have been bombed by the menopause clock in their marriages and are still in need of vigorous intercourse. Many women above 50 are not interested in this.
Hi Dave. Thanks for stopping by. “Compliance… A woman who will get along with them.” Very interesting.
As for sex, I wonder… Would the data (if we could find it) support the contention that women 50+ / post-menopause no longer want a “vigorous” sex life?
I have my doubts. I suspect there is enormous variation on this score, and that a breadth of issues (including partners, health, stress, boredom) may play a sizable role.
An interesting subject in and of itself, if anyone has good data, even with the caveat that in the sexual realm, self-reporting can skew results.
It really just comes down to economics of dating, ie. the supply and demand pools of men and women and mate preference. Single men out supply women in their 20s which gives women more power to exercise their mate preference which is a man of similar age. As they age the marriage age gaps increase in favor of men who are now in the power to exercise their preferred mating strategy which is securing the youngest women possible. They have this power because women start to outnumber men as they get older. If you look at unmarried people, there are 10%-15% more unmarried men than women in there 20s which gives women more power. That number evens out in the 40s and reverses in the 50s+. Women outnumber men by 20-25% in their 50s and almost by 100% (2 to 1) in their 60s which means significant power for men. As for sources, I can’t find the age gap study but it did show a strong correlation of age gap to age of participants. And for the supply of men vs women you can find that with the US census on marriages.