• Home
  • About
  • Around
  • Contributors
  • Applause

Daily Plate of Crazy

  • Relationships
    • Dating
    • Love
    • Marriage
    • Divorce
    • Life After Divorce
  • Parenting
    • Advice
    • Babies and Kids
    • Tweens and Teens
    • College Kids
    • Single Moms
    • Older Moms
    • Dads
    • Family Dynamics
    • Money Matters
    • Work-Life
  • Health
  • Sex
  • Women’s Issues
  • Fashion & Style
    • Chaussures
    • Fashion
    • Style
    • Lingerie
    • Interiors
  • Culture
  • More
    • Art Art Art
    • Business
    • En Français
    • Entertainment
      • Mad Men
      • Mad Men Reviews
      • Real Housewives
      • Movies
      • Celebrities
      • Work of Art Reviews
    • Flash
    • Food & Recipes
    • Lifestyle
    • Morning Musing
    • Starting Over
    • Technology
    • Travel
    • Women and Money
You are here: Home / Culture / Identity Crisis

Identity Crisis

October 30, 2014 by D. A. Wolf 4 Comments

Identity. It’s a tricky topic. Tricky to grasp, to understand, to bring out of the closet.

Young Woman in her Twenties ThinkingIdentity is about more than a name, a gender designation, an ethnic group. Identity is about how we see ourselves, tempered with the impressions and treatment of others.

We might typically think of an identity crisis as occurring during adolescence as we define who we are and what that means. But an identity crisis can occur any time – when we question our own motivations or behavior, when we live through a life-altering event, or as we face a change in our relationship to other people.

I’ve been thinking about the most important facets of my identity and that of friends. For me, identity begins in being a woman, and from there I am a writer, a parent, a provider – and of course, many other things to many other people.

You Are How You Look

Some of us are more chameleon-like than others. This is a skill we have picked up, and much like the animal itself, as a matter of survival.

Some of us take what we can get – and run with it. For the “beautiful” girl, this may be a given. That doesn’t mean it’s the only aspect of identity that is internalized, but surely it is a significant one.

As an American female, I never took my sense of self from being pretty, as I wasn’t. I was more or less plain, and on a good day, cute. For much of my life, I was also overweight, and that fact generally overshadowed any other compliment that might be received when it came to appearance.

Naturally, we internalize the negative reinforcement as well as the positive – perhaps even more strongly.

You Are How You Think

As a child, I lived in my head. As a student, playful though I was with friends, I also lived in my head. As a writer and a marketer, I still live in my head – and I’m happy with that. I have no need or intention to change it.

Clearly, as an adult, I don’t solely live an interior life; I enjoy my socializing adventures, I interact with my kids, I’m outgoing with close friends, I thrive on the spark of engagement with clients.

That said, I live a rich inner life and am content to do so. Consequently, “je pense, donc je suis” – I think, therefore I am – is a phrase that certainly describes me.

Fortunately, my mother was pleased to have a child she considered bright and I was praised for being smart, curious and creative. But just as insistent was this message: It is essential to be liked. And that requirement is frequently in direct conflict with our own best interests.

Childhood Sets Identity Patterns

How many women could say they grew up identifying themselves as a function of how they looked, largely due to the feedback they received about their faces, their bodies and their dress? How many women could also say they were raised with kudos for being able to please?

But what about smarts? Athletic prowess? Artistic talents? Were you praised for these? Praised intermittently while other aspects of who you are were emphasized with greater frequency? Did you feel “whole” in owning your intelligence, your opinions, your hard-won gifts? And as you grew older, was your identity reshaped by your association with or attractiveness to a man? Were you judged by the person you dated – by his looks or prospects?

On Turning Heads

Recently I had a conversation with a woman friend on the subject of turning heads when you enter a room, and the disorientation that occurs in one’s middle years, as the preeminence of beauty fades and a major aspect of one’s self-worth is increasingly threatened.

This friend, still an extremely pretty woman, was one of those head-turners for at least 20 years. She said something that made me take note: “I didn’t miss it when it stopped because it was never that important to me. Other things are more enduring, and far more significant.”

Her life was about her family and a variety of jobs. She knew who she was on the inside – a woman of great strength – the outside (and the responses it garnered) seemed to be taken as bonus.

On Marital Status

She made another remark as we were talking, and it is still sinking in. No longer married and not currently involved, she said: “In this culture, if you’re not with a man – dating one, living with one, married to one – you’re nothing.”

Ah. The issue of marital status bias, alive and well.

Now those may not have been her exact words, and they slipped out as a bit of an aside. I am convinced that in a different mood not only would she never say them, but she doesn’t fully believe them. Incidentally, this friend is a productivity powerhouse, knowledgeable in a broad set of business domains, and generally speaking, extremely confident.

Yet in my experience, she’s right. It may take reaching a certain age as an unmarried woman to feel its effects, or going through marriage and then divorce. The fact remains: American society continues to value its women at least in part by virtue of their relationship to men.

Confident Woman in White SmilingMarried? You’re in “the” exclusive club. Widowed? Not only were you good enough to marry, but you managed to stick it out.

Divorced? Well, at least once upon a time someone thought you were good enough, but you’re either selfish (and left) or you did something that caused you to be traded in for another model.

Living with someone or dating? It’s better than nothing…

Women as Providers

I suppose we could think of this as the “you are what you do” portion of the program. But it is something else. This isn’t about taking one’s identity from being a painter or a teacher or a physician; it is broader than that.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve read that losing a job will devastate a man. After all, we’re taught that the male identity is wired for being the provider, right?

Let me say this: Being laid off from my job as divorce exploded into my life was far more damaging to my sense of self than the demise of my marriage. Note that I specify my sense of self. I had been married for 12 years, but earning my own living for nearly 25. Who I was – and to a large degree remain – is a professional, self-sufficient adult, a provider. I was raised to be independent, to earn my own keep, to achieve and produce – for which I earn money.

When that ended? When, even now, I periodically find myself enduring periods of unemployment or underemployment as a contract (or freelance) worker? My self-confidence can be sorely tested. Elements of my belief systems, broken. My sense of optimism, shredded. The longer any such period lasts, the more I am cast adrift, not only financially but psychologically – and vulnerable with two young boys to raise on my own.

Who I am – as much as any other fundamental aspect of my identity – is my ability to provide.

How Do You Identify Yourself?

As for my being a woman, I feel better when I’m thinner, I feel better when I have a good haircut, I feel better when I consider myself as attractive. This is part of who I am. More precisely, this is part of who I am – in this culture.

In France, I am more integrated in some inexplicable way, less prone to worrying about appearance in any way, while doing nothing in particular that is different.

As a writer, I am my fullest self – all elements of my sex (and other demographic labels) coming into play or not – as I choose. I am a writer in my waking hours and a writer in my dreaming. My mind is always happily at work, writing or otherwise engaged, as I enjoy my smarts, my curiosity, my creativity.

Clearly, my sense of self is closely tied to other roles – I have loved being a mother (much to my own surprise), I love giving love and having it returned, I still struggle with wanting to be liked far more than I wish I did, and far less than was once the case.

What I would hope: We would socialize our girls so that the relative importance of appearance and external opinions shifts. What is important, as my friend said to me, are other things that are “more enduring and far more significant.”

 

You May Also Enjoy

  • Who Brings in the Bucks?
  • Catch-22: Women Becoming Our Best Selves
  • Women Struggling With Success
  • Does Your Marital Status Define You?

 

FacebooktwitterpinterestlinkedinmailFacebooktwitterpinterestlinkedinmail

Filed Under: Culture, Women's Issues Tagged With: gender roles, identity, life after divorce, looksism, marital status, men and women, Parenting, self identity, self-esteem, society, unemployment, women and self-esteem

Comments

  1. Barbara says

    October 31, 2014 at 11:17 am

    How do I identify myself? That’s a big question. Yes as a woman, a mother, now a grandmother, a creative type, a westerner (the American West is a significant part of my being – that sense of mountains and red rocks and natural places feeding my soul and feeling like home), and a negative thing is as a middle child. I’ve always felt an outsider in my family and this causes me angst. I’m quiet. I’m sensitive. I’m very interested in spiritual, ethereal aspects of our existence.

    I do have a couple friends who are single, both because of divorce, and both feel that sense of being one step out of “the circle.” We do so much in twos, don’t we? I try to be conscious of including them when couples go out – but very often it’s they who feel uncomfortable or 3rd wheel-ish and decline. So what are you gonna do?

    Reply
  2. Nancy Kay says

    October 31, 2014 at 4:43 pm

    During the 20 yrs I was married, my identity as a separate person became more and more absorbed into the day-to-day swirl storm of providing 24/7 care to 3 kids while the financial provider responsibilities belonged squarely to my husband whose employer required us to relocate every
    2 years and for him to travel every week to earn a decent salary.
    At the beginning of the 2008 recession, I found myself at age 45 and newly divorced, trying desperately to put together a resume to impress to compete with floods of job applicants much younger who had more college degrees and hands-on job experience. I had been out of the job market for nearly 20 years except for a few part time positions.
    After getting a new paralegal degree, I spent the next 3 years miring through the job market muck and discovered just how over-saturated the paralegal field is where I live and how abusive attorneys can be to work for.
    I then went back to the drawing board and decided to start my own Divorce Guidance Biz and now
    I also now work in real estate as well.

    Reply
  3. Matt D. says

    November 3, 2014 at 9:26 pm

    I’ve always wondered what identity crisis is. I think I’m still building that identity right now. Would it be better if there’s an ideal identity you can look forward to?

    Reply

Trackbacks

  1. On Confidence, or Putting On My "Big Girl" Pants - 3Plus International says:
    May 12, 2016 at 9:10 am

    […] women are primary or sole breadwinners, their families dependent on their earnings, and the pride and identity in being a provider is […]

    Reply

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

 

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Follow Us

FacebooktwitterrssinstagramFacebooktwitterrssinstagram

Search Daily Plate of Crazy

Subscribe for Your Daily Serving

Enter your email address:

Delivered by FeedBurner

Categories

Archives

Recent Comments

  • Anonymous on Does Effort Matter If You Don’t Get Results?
  • D. A. Wolf on Mantras
  • D. A. Wolf on Over 50, Unemployed, Depressed and Powerless
  • Marty on When You Marry a Loner
  • Tina on Would You Brag About Your Age?
  • Sal on Over 50, Unemployed, Depressed and Powerless
  • Open More Doors If You Want More Skills - 3 Plus International on Open More Doors If You Want More Skills
  • Leonora C on Over 50, Unemployed, Depressed and Powerless
  • Maree on Mantras
  • kate on DON’T Call Me Dear!
  • Stephanie on Narcissism. Manipulation. Keeping Score.
  • S on When a Couple Wants Different Things

The Makeover Series

Daily Plate of Crazy: The Makeover Series

Essays From Guest Writers

Daily Plate of Crazy: Essay Series

Daily Reads

Daily Plate of Crazy Blogroll

Follow

Follow

Notices

All content on this site, DailyPlateOfCrazy.com, is copyrighted by D. A. Wolf unless copyright is otherwise attributed to guest writers. Do not use, borrow, repost or create derivative works without permission.

© D. A. Wolf 2009-2025. All Rights Reserved.

Parlez-vous francais?

Daily Plate of Crazy: En Français

© D. A. Wolf 2009-2025
All Rights Reserved

Daily Plate of Crazy ™

Privacy Notice

Popular This Month

  • 50 Years old and Starting Over
  • Best Places to Live When You're Over 50 and Reinventing
  • When the Person You Love Is Emotionally Unavailable
  • When a Couple Wants Different Things
  • How to Comfort Someone Who Is Stressed

Food for Thought

  • Why I Choose to Think Like a Man
  • When You Marry a Loner
  • Emotionally Needy Parents
  • Sex vs. Lovemaking: Why Are We So Confused?
  • Think Looks Don't Pay?
  • Rebranding Mediocrity: Why Good Enough Isn't Good Enough

Copyright © 2025 · Metro Pro Theme on Genesis Framework · WordPress · Log in

This site uses cookies for the best browsing experience. By continuing to use this site, you accept our Cookie Policy.
Cookie SettingsACCEPT
Manage consent

Privacy Overview

This website uses cookies to improve your experience while you navigate through the website. Out of these, the cookies that are categorized as necessary are stored on your browser as they are essential for the working of basic functionalities of the website. We also use third-party cookies that help us analyze and understand how you use this website. These cookies will be stored in your browser only with your consent. You also have the option to opt-out of these cookies. But opting out of some of these cookies may affect your browsing experience.
Necessary
Always Enabled
Necessary cookies are absolutely essential for the website to function properly. These cookies ensure basic functionalities and security features of the website, anonymously.
CookieDurationDescription
cookielawinfo-checkbox-analytics11 monthsThis cookie is set by GDPR Cookie Consent plugin. The cookie is used to store the user consent for the cookies in the category "Analytics".
cookielawinfo-checkbox-functional11 monthsThe cookie is set by GDPR cookie consent to record the user consent for the cookies in the category "Functional".
cookielawinfo-checkbox-necessary11 monthsThis cookie is set by GDPR Cookie Consent plugin. The cookies is used to store the user consent for the cookies in the category "Necessary".
cookielawinfo-checkbox-others11 monthsThis cookie is set by GDPR Cookie Consent plugin. The cookie is used to store the user consent for the cookies in the category "Other.
cookielawinfo-checkbox-performance11 monthsThis cookie is set by GDPR Cookie Consent plugin. The cookie is used to store the user consent for the cookies in the category "Performance".
viewed_cookie_policy11 monthsThe cookie is set by the GDPR Cookie Consent plugin and is used to store whether or not user has consented to the use of cookies. It does not store any personal data.
Functional
Functional cookies help to perform certain functionalities like sharing the content of the website on social media platforms, collect feedbacks, and other third-party features.
Performance
Performance cookies are used to understand and analyze the key performance indexes of the website which helps in delivering a better user experience for the visitors.
Analytics
Analytical cookies are used to understand how visitors interact with the website. These cookies help provide information on metrics the number of visitors, bounce rate, traffic source, etc.
Advertisement
Advertisement cookies are used to provide visitors with relevant ads and marketing campaigns. These cookies track visitors across websites and collect information to provide customized ads.
Others
Other uncategorized cookies are those that are being analyzed and have not been classified into a category as yet.
SAVE & ACCEPT