I did not want to become my mother: emotionally needy, intrusive, manipulative and confusing in her back-handed expression of approval. To say that she was an emotionally needy parent is an understatement.
It took me many years to understand this lesson: Deeply caring parents help us feel safe, but emotionally needy parents are capable of crippling us.
Naturally, there’s a difference between parents who need us as they grow older and parents whose need for involvement in our lives seems positively parasitic, putting their emotional well-being before our own. Imagine yourself as the child trying to process the world, understand your place in it, and eventually spread your wings. If not allowed to make decisions, to own your accomplishments, to feel good about your independence, to learn from your mistakes – isn’t it inevitable that your development will be stunted?
Parenting Solo Can Be Precarious
As a single mother, basically a solo mother as it turns out, I knew myself to be in a precarious position – not only logistically and financially, but emotionally. When it came to my two children, I paid particular attention to expectations and boundaries. I was determined not to burden them with my worries, not to transform them into my “little friends,” and not to rely too heavily on them for their solace, their support, or my sense of self-worth.
Certainly, I was friendly with my children, but I was the parent – not the pal.
Absolutely, there were times when I failed to keep my grief, my anger, or my stress to myself.
And several instances come to mind when I was sick and my boys had to take care of me. Fortunately, those occasions were few. More frequent were the instances when I was overcome with a sense of loss, betrayal, or fear for our survival. And yes, loneliness came into play as well. My mother’s sudden passing was a terrible time for me (our relationship was in a more challenging place than usual), and an exceptionally difficult period of financial worry was another.
My elder son in particular was mature beyond his years, and frequently offered the prepubescent (and later, adolescent) voice of reason, able to reassure yours truly simply by virtue of being who he is. Not only did that melt my heart, but he reminded me how much he and his brother deserved a fully functioning, healthy adult as a parent.
Children Comforting Their Parents
When children comfort their parents – whatever the reason – if we’re lucky, their love and support perform as I just described. They highlight the importance of our role, and that we should be the ones who carry the load of worry. Our children should not be put in the position of bearing the psychological stresses of caring for us.
At the same time, as children grow more mature, to hide the realities of life is not doing them any favors. My sons have seen firsthand the insidious nature of hardship that can hit out of nowhere, the importance of supportive community, and the value of hard work. Still, I worry that they saw too much of me in too raw an emotional state at certain points. I can only hope they do not feel that their childhoods were unduly compromised as a result.
Most importantly, I will make a distinction between asking for, expecting, guilting and demanding assistance from one’s children versus those same children acting from a place of empathy and familial belonging. I am familiar with all four of the former, as my very needy mother subjected me to all of them throughout my childhood, my teenage years, and to the extent she was able, my adulthood.
Parents Expecting Their Children to Support Them
I am often struck by examples of children repaying their parents when they grow up and “make good.” The sort of examples I am talking about are celebrities who came up from very modest beginnings, who recognize parental struggle, and take care of their parents financially as soon as they are able. That’s a loving and reasonable thing to expect, isn’t it?
But what about the rest of us – those of us who raise “regular kids” that we hope will live decently and happily with families of their own? What should we expect – and not just in terms of financial assistance (if needed), but their involvement in our lives in terms of emotional support?
I am now officially an Empty Nester, though my college student spends considerable time at home (when he can), and I find myself reflecting on my changing relationship with both my sons. I also note the ways in which other Empty Nest parents relate to their young adult children, and I consider the way my mother approached reliance on me (especially) for whatever felt missing in action in her emotional life.
Having had an emotionally needy mother growing up, my tendency no doubt inclines the other way: I ask little of my sons and feel they do not owe me anything.
I say that, but of course I appreciate everything they give back: caring, humor, the occasional hug, friendship, and possibly, some day, elements of care-taking that I cannot now predict. I do not want them burdened by me – ever – which doesn’t mean I do not want them to love me and respect me enough to offer care if and when it is needed. That is who I raised them to be, not only with me, but with others in their lives.
Understanding the Emotionally Needy Parent
My emotionally needy mother exhibited classic signs of narcissism, cast herself as victim in a wide range of scenarios, wanted to know about and if possible direct the decisions in my life (at an age when I was more than capable of doing so), claimed credit for my accomplishments, was masterful with the Guilt Trip, and in general – little that I could do or say was sufficient to please her – a problem in its own right.
The need for reassurance, affection, and attention was, to me, a bottomless pit, and I felt depleted (and resentful) as she expected me to fill it.
So what makes any person emotionally needy – and not simply when it comes to one’s romantic partner? Is it neglect or abuse in his or her own childhood? Is there an event that shreds belief in oneself, leaving an absence of self-worth that creates a vacuum for others to fill?
When we recognize the signs of emotional neediness in our parents, then what? Can we somehow manage to hold up a mirror so they can alter their behavior, if not the need itself? Do they become so toxic that our only recourse is to take distance and reduce the instances that remain destructive, even in our adulthood?
Need, Guilt Trips, Emotional Abuse
Whatever the cause, we routinely discuss the topic of emotionally needy partners, and we dissect the excessive involvement of helicopter parents. However, the online information concerning emotionally needy parents is, relatively speaking, “light.”
Is it too ambiguous a topic? Is it too vast? Do we lump emotionally needy parents into the “narcissist” bucket and leave it at that? Do we stick to issues around parent-child attachment that solely focus on children when they are very young?
The emotionally needy mother or father may act out in abusive ways (verbal abuse comes to mind); likewise, he or she may be passive-aggressive. Or, as was the case with my own mother, emotional need may appear in constant guilt-tripping, which doesn’t preclude the other behaviors. Guilt trips, it’s worth noting, are deftly accomplished as much through silences, facial expressions and tone of voice, as through language.
But the parent who suffers from esteem issues or some other deep well of unhappiness, thus taking whatever they can from the child, is a different scenario from the parent in crisis, the parent who is ill, or the elder parent.
I look to my relationship partner for one illustration. His mother, a widow, is elderly though strong. But with Alzheimer’s, her short-term memory is severely compromised and she goes through periods of needing a great deal of reassurance. That reassurance comes in the form of several phone conversations a day, visits whenever possible, and plenty of humor. And her son’s delivery of what she needs – out of love and a sense of responsibility – speaks volumes of who he is, and how well she has raised him.
Their Need, Our Need: Who “Wins?”
In my example above, there is no competition, no comparison, no zero sum game at work. This is not emotional need as appropriation, but as a practical element of growing older.
In the example of my mother’s incessant need for attention (and more), I took a variety of paths at different stages. As a child, I withdrew. As a teenager, even more so. As a young adult, once I was able to put miles between us, I moved several states away. I was coming to understand that her level of need was strangling me. My emotional survival depended on sufficient distance so that her “guilting” would be less toxic and boundaries, more enforceable.
Looking to my own Empty Nest parenting, I realize that I sometimes err on the “not intrusive enough” side. Both my sons have told me I should feel free to get in touch more often.
Looking to others I know, I see everything across the board – parents whose approach resembles mine, parents who enjoy wonderful relationships with their adult kids (who live nearby), and those who put their need (for being needed) before all else, convinced their continued helicoptering is essential.
Of course, just as we might say in a relationship that one person’s emotional neediness is another’s “just right” – that is, a matter of style or perception – so too could we say that of emotionally needy parents. If the children are happy and healthy, if they do not feel burdened by the parents, then all is (presumably) well.
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Your piece came at a perfect time because I needed to read it. Well done, DA, and I thank you for it!
Whatever the reason, Cathy, I’m glad if it was well-timed! Hope you are well. xo
Great post. And agree, well timed!
Thanks, Judith. Glad you enjoyed.
Wow D.A.- you’re so right. Especially when it comes to parents who need to “guilt” their children.
I wonder how much of this needy parents syndrome is culturally based? In the Asian culture, taking care of your parents isn’t a question, it is assumed. And the care is two-fold: physical and emotional needs are required to be met.
I agree there is a cultural component, Rudri. In some cases, certainly for the better, where one would never think of abandoning one’s aging parents in need, for example. But too often, in this culture, parents live excessively through their children as a result of their own need. That’s a different matter altogether, and potentially crippling for the children. It can be a fine line to walk.
I agree – it is crippling for the child. Asian parents guilt children and really believe that they did them a favor by bringing them into this world, raising them, educating them. For the longest time, as a Asian Indian child, I believed this. It took me 40 years to realize and tap into the negative feelings of unhappiness I had, that it was due to this mind culture. I realized when I had my own child that I had my daughter for my own happiness – to give me pleasure and make me smile, and the rewards of raising her – quite the opposite to my parents thinking! She did not ask to be brought to this world as a favor! I’m a female, and this problem is not so bad for daughters, but exponential for sons who carry the responsbility and never feel like they can live their own lives. If they want to move away – they can’t – because the parents will guilt them into staying near them to take “care” of them in their old age (mind you, they might be only 60 and perfectly fit to care for themselves). They also don’t want to leave their comfort zone to move nearby their son’s chosen location, because it’s too difficult for them to leave their comfort zone, their friends, relatives, etc. That is a PRISON. In my case, my brother broke free from that and is living his own life. So my mother has chosen to put that burden on me instead. I am suffocating. I am (finally at 40 ) working to establish healthy boundaries, and it’s a struggle but I will stick to my guns.
It’s so true that Asian parents do this to their kids. My mum isn’t a classic narcissist and it’s also taken me a long time to establish boundaries. One of my friends once asked me why I did so much for my mum when she is not disabled. She even told me that no girl would be attracted to a man like that. When she tries to guilt trip me, I simply ignore it. Although I live fairly close to her, I do my duties to her when I am free and willing. She would have me sacrifice my whole life for her if she could, and would expect it.
Not just Asian parents – Eastern European, Mediterranean…
That’s not healthy.
Hello,
Thank you for writing this article. I couldn’t find anything else online that I could relate to. I’m trying to look for answers on what to do with my mother. She has and still plays the guilt game and since I’ve been in college has become increasingly negative, judgemental, and depressed. I don’t know what to do because I love my mother but she refuses to change her attitude on life, despite the amount of things I’ve done. Do you have any suggestions?
Hi Paula. A few questions come to mind. For example —
How old is your mother? Does she have other people in her life she can rely on or who reassure her? Does she seem less needy with others? Are there times when she is especially needy and what form does that behavior take?
The answers to these questions and of course others may at least shed some light on the situation. Perhaps the answers could point to some other individuals or circumstances that would make things easier for you, and for her as well.
I think it’s important also to remember that ’emotionally needy’ is not necessarily the same as narcissism, and an emotionally needy parent presents different challenges than an emotionally needy boyfriend, girlfriend or best friend. I think it can be harder, at least in my experience. Seems to me we are more easily guilty by a parent, and we do often feel a certain responsibility to a parent as well, depending on what they have sacrificed for us.
We also share a lifelong history with a parent, and they know where our hot buttons are. This makes it all the more difficult to separate in a sticky emotional codependency, not to mention to identify when they genuinely need us — as opposed to those times they are anxious and in need of reassurance.
What to do? I’m no expert and I can only use my own experience and observation. I think the age and stage of the parent you’re dealing with is a factor. We are all more vulnerable and more emotionally needy following certain events or at critical transitions in our lives — widowhood or divorce, layoff or medical issues, simply dealing with midlife changes. Your own age and stage are factors as well, including those you can depend on, even if just to listen and provide some of the emotional support you need. A bit of relief for you.
Figuring out if the relationship is irritating or a burden, even periodically, versus being a constant emotional weight on you might help. Knowing your limits, and also, if the relationship is truly toxic may help guide you in time you spend with her — in person or by phone.
And it may change over time. For the better, even slightly. If you can encourage her to enjoy more of her life with other people for example. In my own case, I found that if I spent time with my mother in the company of others, she was easier to deal with then if I tried to spend time with her alone.
I don’t believe there’s an absolute in this any more than there is a single right answer. We feel our way along in most relationships of course, though for expectations of parent-child dealings are often unrealistic.
I hope this helps in some small way.
Thank you for th reply and I’m sorry I didint see it sooner. I’m 26 and she is in her 50s. My mother has raised me practically all my life and finally got divorced when I was a teenager. She used to be a very confident, strong woman despite the amount of times she had been hurt from the men in her life.
She was always very strict with me and sheltered me a a lot when I was a kid.
I never really had much of a childhood because I had to grow up fast and do things for my own while she worked to support me. Whenever I attempted to be a kid and play out side when I was in middle school I’d get yelled at and then the guilt trip followed suit with the “You’re the only thing I have in my life right now and I don’t want anything happening to you” speech.
Now I feel like we butt heads all the time because of her negative attitude on life. She also claims to know it all and and when I correct her, she lashes back or raises her voice that she is right.
The one thing that scares me the most is that she went from being such a strong, independent woman to someone who depends on me more than I can handle at times. For example when we go to a restaurant, she never knows what she wants and then she asks me what I’m getting only to order the same thing I get. It may seem funny reading it but she does this at EVERY restaurant we go to.
Also, to answer your question regarding when I’ve seen her most happy, it was in the past either with her ex boyfriend that broke her heart unfortunately or with her old group of friends.
Everyone that she hanged out with and was her support group when she was down the most with my dad have all moved elsewhere, started their own families or have had some fall out with her for some reason. Now I’m the only one left in her life that she knows she has 24/7 access to and it becomes too much, especially when I’m still getting lectured or babied. I feel like I have a hard time moving on with my life cause I feel like I need to take a step back and cater to her or include her on the things I’m doing.
Hi Paula and D.A. Wolf,
I agree, this article is incredibly insightful and the only article that really put my situation with my mother into words.
Paula, I am amazed by how much a similar relationship and similar issues I’m having with my mother right now. I am 21 and she is in her early 60s. Since I left for college a few years ago, she has become more depressed, reclusive, agitated, and negative. While we still have a good relationship and love each other very much, she gets very angry at me sometimes for small things that bother her or we disagree on. She always has to be right and rarely apologizes, even if a disagreement turns into an argument and she ends of acting irrationally angry, yelling or screaming, usually because I disagree with her. This isn’t all the time, but it’s extremely stressful and difficult when these situations happen, even on smaller scales.
My mother has very few friends, and even fewer that she spends time with, so most of the time she is alone at home, so my older brother (who recently moved out) and I are the people she spends time with the most. We both try to spend time with her when we can, invite her to get out more and do stuff with us, call/text her almost every day to keep her updated on our lives, and we both only live 45 minutes away, and I’m even home during breaks. She raised me and my brother as a single parent, and I think she’s just having a really hard time not seeing us as often as normal.
My brother and I know she needs more people and friends in her life, and she is a wonderful and friendly person in many ways, but she shoots down any of our ideas to help her socialize more and meet new people, saying she’s tried them all and it hasn’t helped. She’s so reclusive and it worries me.
I love my mom and we get along a lot of the time and I want to spend time with her, but I feel like she is negative and judgmental in certain ways about my opinions and life choices, which makes it hard sometimes to spend time with her and I feel like I can’t be myself always. I feel like she relies almost solely on me and my brother to keep her life fulfilled, and otherwise she just feels endlessly lonely and depressed, and even when we spend time with her, she sometimes still complains that she feels like we don’t.
I want to help her, and I feel responsible, and she says I don’t have to feel that way, but her sadness, passive aggressive behavior, and negative attitude have been weighing down on me more and more. I have my own issues with anxiety and stress, and worrying about my mom and trying to help her drains me beyond my abilities to cope. I have so many responsibilities right now, including college, preparing for my future, my significant other, friends, career goals, and taking care of myself emotionally and physically.
I want to always be there for my mom, be part of each others’ lives, and help her, but I don’t know how to help her help herself more. Any reply or advice would be very much appreciated. <3
AF – A few thoughts / questions. How is your mother feeling physically? If she were not feeling well or if she had pain from any kind of existing condition, would you know about it? Do you have any idea how well she is sleeping? Does she have financial worries that have possibly increased over the past year or two or three? Are these subjects that she would talk about with you and your brother or would she tend to keep these issues private?
There are many reasons that people become reclusive, and of course, I can offer my own tendencies at reclusiveness as an example, and some of the reasons that I may seem reclusive to all but a tiny circle.
In middle age, no matter what our heads tell us, we may go through a difficult period when we start to feel and see our youth slipping away. This can be especially challenging for women in this society, since so much of our identity is tied up in how we look. Speaking for myself only, I know that when I feel as though I don’t look good, I am more likely to withdraw, less likely to want to socialize (with new people in particular), and in general, I’m unhappier (with myself), which surely must seep out in dealings with others in my personal life.
Ditto, when worried about money, sleep deprived, churning a health concern, or when chronic pain passes a certain threshold.
Since it sounds like your mother’s apparent emotional neediness only dates back a few years, any chance that some of the above scenarios might be contributing to her behavior – self-image, sleep issues, health or financial worries?
As a single mother of two sons — and I raised them nearly alone for many years — I can certainly empathize with your mother’s situation. She is fortunate that you and your brother are trying to help, and understanding that what she needs is more people in her life, and possibly a new sense of purpose.
Does she belong to any Facebook groups? Could she find some online communities that might be a way to begin to get to know some people with shared interests or situation?
What does she want to do next with her own life?
What would happen if you showed her this article and the comments?
I relate so deeply to all the ladies stories here – I always thought I was slowly going crazy or I was the demented one. At least now I see that’s what my mom wanted me to feel. That’s what makes her feel better about herself.
My narcissistic single mother is 55, and I am a 25 y.o. only child. I have only come out of the fog starting 13 months ago. What a trip its been and thank God I can see clearly now.
For the longest time through my childhood I felt I had no voice. I also hardly spoke. Never spoke at school, never spoke at work – but came alive when at ballet class or away with friends. Then dulled and numbed mostly again when I went home to mom. I realized when I was 20 that I had no firm believes, opinions – or “voice”. I was a doormat that felt weak and anyone’s beliefs opinions and actions stampeded over.
I’ve struggled with eating disorders since I was 16 (“recovered” by 19), depression followed suit, anxiety, then panic attacks, now chest pains and indigestion problems brought on by stress and anxiety, and unfortunately suicidal thoughts at times. All of these problems stem from the suppression of my SELF, SOUL, and IDENTITY. I am only now over the last 5 years since moving out discovering myself – this past year being the breakthrough.
My mom was very “needy”, as my family would call it, when I was a child. Needing constant assurance, confidence-boosting, pep-talks, analysis over every detail after she taught a yoga class, analysis over every word she conversed with my ballet teacher she inapropriately and obsessively fell in love with, embarrassing my without end. Telling me every single detail about relationships I’d rather not know. Sharing and expecting me to find solutions to her real adult problems – getting exasperated and having circular conversations that never ended when I failed to produce a solution for her. Requiring regular back and body massages. I took care of meals – she never cooks. I cleaned and did laundry. She sat at her computer laboring excessively and obsessively for her work plans. She has no concept of time. She kept me away from my father – haven’t seen him for 10 years. She made me feel like I was betraying her when I reached out to him. Whenever someone asked me a question she would talk over me or answer for me –
still to this day. I am resisting more though now. She would always need hugs or cuddling – she never freely gave me a comforting hug it was only ever if she needed one. Everything revolved around her. When I 5-12 I always spent the weekend with friends, never at home. I dont think she even cared. but suddenly that shifted when I was 12. I remember the miserable day when she said I had to stay home. Thats when the mess really started. Her highs and lows were endlessly challenging leaving my fight or flight mode eternally damaged. Her murky and deep depression seeped into every part of me, twisting my heart, grabbing hold and hardly ever letting go. Like a leech. Its gotten worse over the years.
Since I moved with my now husband and then this past year she was diagnosed with Breast Cancer stage 2 (double mastectomy, shes good now – just on hormone therapy for 5 years) her true narcissistic rage has appeared. It became normal over the years for her to yell at me non-stop for hours on end for anything and everything. Usually I would find out later the true cause of her anger had nothing to do with me, I was just the emotional scapegoat and target for all her pain. She would literally scream and berate me incessantly until I bent to her will. Usually the trigger for her anger was because I didnt call her right before I left my house to go see her – even though we spoke for an hour the night before and she knew exactly what time I was coming. I never knew which “mom” to expect. The sullen depressive one, the together/ busy one, or the raging monster screaming at me before I even walked in the door. Or the one who wouldn’t even acknowledge me entering having her childish back turned to me – barely uttering a hello and then suddenly and painfully grabbing my wrists and shaking me. Her face I will never forget in those instances. Not my mother, not a human, but possessed. Every once of supposed love she had for her child no where to be seen. Only a demon with red face, veins popping, entire body tensed and pulsating, jaw protruded…seriously freaky. I ran out of the house as fast as I could in that instance – hearing her screaming after – so scared she would drive after me. I have so many more stories like this. They’ve all scarred me in several ways and I ‘m surprised my husband hasn’t left me.
Mom has literally driven almost all good people out of her life. And those who are still around remark on how hard it is to be around her sometimes, she has not sustained a reliable relationship with her using me as her crutch creating an emotionally-incestuous relationship (basically me acting in place of a close-partner or husband emotionally speaking).
I’ve only recently really put 2 and 2 together. I’ve creating boundaries and that has helped in some ways – no more 3 hour conversations on the phone. But her becoming sick last year made things hard again, there is ALWAYS some kind of crisis, one after another. And I was the only person left to take care of her for weeks on end when she recovered. Everyone else walked out.
I’m just proud I survived this far. I’m proud I’ve proven my strength to myself – sometimes I look back and can’t believe I’ve made it out alive. But here I am and that’s what keeps me going. Sad part is she will never understand. And hardest thing for me is to realize she has NEVER loved me. LOVE doesnt treat you the way she has. Husband and I are looking to move out-of-state. I’m booked to see a psychiatrist.
I am finally realizing that my mother is a needy parent. I feel the same way as you. My mother is in her 50’s and I am in my 30’s. However, my mom is still married and she has a husband that does anything and everything for her. I live with them because at the moment I am trying to pay my debt off to live on my own. My son lives with me as well and he had ADHD. She would text and call me while I’m out or at work about dumb stuff like guilt trips and stuff. I just ignore them. She is so negative and I am the complete opposite. Even with me raising my son I have to be upbeat and have a good mindset because my son constantly needs my motivation and happiness to uplift him when he gets frustrated with his ADHD. One time, my mom has been keeping this little string for years (resembles how a kid keeps a blanket or teddy bear) well she lost it and began to blame my son for losing it, yelling at him and cursing at everyone. She said that no one is sleeping until I find out. It hurt my kid so much that he began to cry because he was sad that he grandpa was getting yelled at and his feelings were hurt. The next day she comes in the room apologizing to the both of us, I didn’t accept her apology because the way she acted was not cool at all. I am hoping that by the end of the year I can move. I want to buy a home but I think I will just rent instead I have no choice. Also I have 2 brothers as well but of course they don’t live with me.
I’m pretty late to this post, but it resonates with me a lot. I am 50 and my parents 80s. But like most of you I figured out this needy and abnormal behavior in my 20s-30s but didn’t take action until later even. In my case boundaries and constructive talks did nothing. All met with defensive and reactive accusations and guilt tripping. No room for any kind of rational reasonable discussion. After going non contact for 15 years or so, they continue to harass me periodically with guilt ridden vm’s – nothing else in the message except what a horrible person I am and how “we” now need to negotiate. We aren’t the first generation to go through this, nor the last. I recognize my parents got their own dose of this and so it trickles down…. I don’t want to sound defeatist, but many people just don’t change. I wish you all better luck and outcomes than I’ve had and hope that in some way your parent or parents can realize that being “right” or needy just aren’t the way to foster a relationship.
This article was a great read! I could really relate with this. I’m currently 25, and I’m struggling to come to terms with my own mother. My mother raised me and my younger brother on her own (whilst my father was working overseas) and my parents had a pretty bad fall out around 7 years ago. I felt like she’s really become more needy than ever.
My mother’s a very confident, self-assured person, casted herself as a victim all the time so that I felt sorry for her and stood on her ‘side’. She also had a say about everything, and she’s got OCD, so everything needed to be done her way. She’s always complaining that me and my brother don’t want to spend time with her and that we don’t care for her. But I do everything to the best of my abilities to make her feel cared for. I buy her gifts for all the special occasions, I try to spend time with her by going shopping with her and seeing musicals together, and trying to eat dinner at home with her when I can. But to her, that’s still not enough.
Recently, two of my girlfriends and I planned a small trip together to a little resort to getaway and relax, she asked if she could tag along and join us.
I really feel like I’m suffocating and don’t feel 100% myself around her and I find it hard to speak to her on an equal level and I can’t confront about things I want to confront her about.
loved this post….I have 2 adult children, one who just moved out, and one at home…just finishing up college….and I have one disabled child who is 15…. My mother has been an emotional burden all of my life…since I was a child… she divorced my father (can’t say I blame her), but because she struggled financially, she was miserable…always made me well aware of it, too…she remarried more than once, and they were all creeps, and never lasted… she made all of her problems, my problems…I had to parent her all of my childhood….and now, in my 40’s, I’m burned out…I have my plate so full with my youngest, and she has never offered one bit of help…no exaggeration….she wants my undivided attention when I call, and if my child makes noise, she tells me to put him in another room…she always has health scares, none which are major, but she makes them major….and I feel guilty, because I just get frustrated about these health scares now….I love her, but I’m so so very tired of her…such a conflicting way to feel about one’s mother
You have my empathy, Lisa. Does she call anyone else, so you aren’t the only option for her? Do you have anyone to share your responsibilities, or even give you a small break now and then?
What might help, in an ideal world?
Very difficult to feel such conflicting feelings for one’s mother. We are made to feel so guilty. Can you let go of some of the guilt perhaps?
Hi and thank u for your response… My brother lives close to her (I’m out of state)… He works full time.. But he feels the same way I do… As far as help.. My child gets some respite hours through the state… He’s severely disabled .. It would be nice to have emotional support, if not physical support.. But, alas, she wants it all.
A hypothetical, Lisa. Maybe just to think about. What is the worst thing that would happen if you occasionally said “no” to her? If you set some boundaries, even if it meant reinforcing them over and over again, and trying not to feel guilty about your right to those boundaries? (Please know – I realize I know nothing of your situation or the specific dynamics. This is simply something that I had to do. It was hard. Sometimes it helped, sometimes not.)
I wouldn’t mind setting boundaries, but I feel bad because she lives alone.
A lot of us live alone, Lisa. And we don’t put our adult children through this. Setting boundaries doesn’t mean never accepting her calls, but it may mean setting a time limit on each one, or some limits on the frequency. Perhaps speaking to your brother, who may need or wish to do the same thing, you could help each other come up with something reasonable and then reinforce your resolve, and remind each other that you have a right to a little peace of mind of your own.
I do understand that when we have emotionally needy parents, the dynamic is tricky. We become the parent to a degree. But as a responsible parent, don’t we set boundaries with children when they overstep? So even if we view ourselves increasingly in the parental role, wouldn’t it make sense that easing into some boundaries is helpful?
Just my thoughts…
You’re right.. I really have to put this into practice!!
Like Lisa and her mother, my dad has also been an emotional burden all my life. He is now 74 years old and in poor health due to smoking his entire life. He has gone from one extreme to the other many times in his life, from having money and then filing for bankruptcy several times, and always blaming the people he works for or saying people owed him money, which put him in financial distress.
He has always been miserable and negative, he has road rage, he constantly talks horribly about the president and can’t stop bitching about politics while he watches Fox News all day long, he talks badly about his wife’s family, and he never stops complaining about anything and everything.
He has always referred to me and my brother as his babies and has always used guilt tripping to get our sympathy. It’s like he lives in a fantasy world that he made up in his head where my brother and I are still little children and he fantasizes about us playing in the park wearing our little rompers and eating lollipops. I am 51 years old and I have one grown son myself and a teenager that is still at home. He calls me and my brother with his sad little voice saying the same thing he has said to us for 50 years, which is that he misses us and wishes he could see us. I have lived one hour away from him for the last 20 years. This is a man who drove 8 hours round trip many times over the past 20 years to pick up his mother-in-law that he referred to as “that Bitch”, and brought her to stay with him and his wife, then drive the same trip to take her back home a week or two later. Coincidentally, his mother-in-law lived just 40 minutes away from my brother and his family, and he never used that time to stop by and see them while he was on the way to pick her up or drop her off.
He has also alienated himself from the world. He has no friends, although he used to have friends when he was younger. I don’t know if they didn’t agree with his opinions or if he decided they were stupid and quit hanging out with them, but he seems to like being bitter and alone so that he can complain about it.
Now that he is old and sick, he’s using his health to guilt trip us. He called my brother the other night and told him to please call him some time because he had no one. He has a wife of 35 years at home and a daughter that still lives with him in a big co-dependent mess. He’s just trying to use guilt to manipulate us into feeling sorry for him. And he uses his child-like, sickly voice to make it worse, and refers to us as his babies. I cannot tell you how annoying it is and I feel like no one else has this problem because all of my friends have good relationships with their fathers. And at my age, some of my friends are starting to lose their fathers and they are devastated. I feel so bad because they are so sad and I don’t even know how I will feel when mine passes. I feel like an alien and I never talk about how I feel about my dad because I’m embarrassed, both from my feelings about him and I’m embarrassed of him. I’ve never been proud of him, he never taught me any life lessons, I have no fond memories with him. Basically, everything he is, I have strived not to be in my life. But there’s this part of me that feels ashamed because I just ignore his calls and shove my thoughts of him under a rug. How do I deal with the guilt that he places on me, when it’s so much easier to block him out of most of my life so that I can stay positive?
D, you have my sincere sympathy. It’s an exhausting situation, and the guilt is like the twist of the knife.
I don’t have any immediate answers for you. Perhaps others may have a suggestion or two. I wish you could cut yourself just a little slack. Let go of some of the shame and embarrassment. Surely people see the clear differences between your parent and you. If anything, I imagine that they too have sympathy.
It is very difficult when our relationships with aging parents aren’t of the fairy tale variety, or even “good.” The mix of emotions when they pass can be a struggle to get through.
My personal feeling is that is ignoring some of his calls buys you some space for yourself, feel entitled to do just that.
I am so glad I found this article. Driving to work today I could not stop crying because i feel so alone with this issue. I am 47 and my mom is 75. We lost my dad 17 years ago and for the 5 years prior to that my mom was his caregiver.My entire life growing up my mom was very tense, and for the most part an unhappy person. She can be hilarious in a crowd but when alone she is a different person. She is judgmental and competitive with me ( I am single) and and with my both of my brother’s mother in laws.
She makes no effort to have anyone over. Her friend circle is small. She has issues with everyone. I feel like she has dealt with depression her entire life but refuses to seek help. When my dad passed away it just intensified this. I have tried many times to get her to seek help. She is very healthy for a 75 year old but I almost think she gets disappointed that there is not something wrong with her when she goes to the doctor because she wants the attention.
I have spent many years doing everything for her like cleaning, shopping, driving her to family gatherings, etc but I am at a point where I am tired. I have a full time career and my own house etc. I started to take some time for myself and she is acting like I am the worst daughter ever. When does it it end? I don’t want to hurt her but it seems like nothing I say or do these days works. We are constantly ending conversations on a bad note. I am not doing a very good job of explaining this but its to the point where I have to act like I don’t do anything and if I do I can’t talk about how fun it was with her or she gets nasty with me. She is very passive aggressive. She also reacts this way to me in front of others.
Anyway-I know there probably is not a great answer to this problem but it sure does help to see that I am not alone.
“When does it end?”. Wow, I’m 45 and my mother is 71 and I’m beginning to wonder the same thing. It’s like, haven’t I done the time? Is there ever a pardon or parole or is this some kind of life sentence? The 40’s is a hard decade for a lot of people. I’d do anything to find some peace too. My mother needs to back off or I’m going to just cut her out of my life completely.
Thank you for this article. I can relate a lot of the issues in this article to my relationship with my mother. A heavy reliance on me to fulfill her sense of self worth, her being overprotective, not respecting my boundaries, playing the victim and guilt tripping me have been a daily struggle for me as I was growing up. I am an only child, of an ethnic minority, and my mother raised me as a single parent through a long period of poverty.
I have been lucky enough to be able to distance myself from her since the age of 17, talk through some of my issues with a therapist, establish some boundaries with my mother, and even work on some relationship building with her. Now, at 24 years of age, I am coming to terms with accepting that I will always have her for a mother until the day she dies.
But I can’t help but wonder what are the long term effects this has had on my personality and my ability to live a normal life? Already, I can identify the tendencies within myself to emotionally withdraw from people, especially in intimate scenarios. You could say that I am conditioned to expect other people to be emotionally needy like my mother, and so, I tend to withdraw in the same way that I habitually withdraw from my mother …?
Would you say that having an emotionally needy mother has crippled you in this way or another, throughout your life?
Would you say you succeeded in your determination to not be like your mother as a parent?
Regards,
Andy
Andy, I can offer you one woman’s experience of having been raised by an emotionally needy and narcissistic mother. In my lifelong efforts not to be like her in these ways, I also tended to remain somewhat guarded and withdrawn emotionally, at least for long periods, until I really got to know someone. Trust is an issue — trusting one’s ability to find, set, and respect appropriate boundaries.
This was less true for me in friendships than romantic relationships, and yet what is interesting I think is the impact of an emotionally needy parent on one’s own style of parenting.
As a mother of two sons who are roughly your age, and a more or less solo mother at that, I was both fiercely protective of my children and insistent on giving them space. I may have swung at times too far to the ‘I don’t want to intrude or impose’ side of the spectrum. Even today, with one son still in college and the other out in the world, both have to remind me that it’s OK for me to call them, and it is not an intrusion.
That said, generally speaking, I would characterize our relationship as healthy and close in good ways while still respecting boundaries. It is not and has not been an easy process to achieve that balance. It is always a work in progress, I’m sure I screw up, but then, all relationships are fluid and imperfect, and this issue has eased considerably over the years.
Awareness is key. Talking is key. Listening is key. And from all of this — a willingness to tweak your behavior.
I hope in some way my experience helps.
Wow, horribly sad to read so much “mother-hate”, im both the daughter of a “needy self-centered” mother and I am a mother to a 13-year old daughter, who i desperately dont want to emotionally ruin as ive been. I live STRESSED ?. I almost dont know HOW to be affectionate with my own precious daughter. I have to remind myself to show it. I worry my daughter has no compassion. Mothers also get a bad rap – we are ALL products of our environment
I needed to read this article. I always thought I was alone when it came to having an emotionally attached mother.
My mother is trying to be my friend and not my mother. She and my dad divorced about 14 years ago, and he passed away 8 years ago. She has never had someone else in her life after the divorce. She is negative about everything. My friends were never good enough for her, in fact I don’t have friends left because my mother has driven them all away by her behaviour. They say she is too much to handle. Due to my financial situation I can’t afford to stay on my own and am currently staying with her. When I had friends over in the past when I still had friends, she would sit and visit with them until they left. She left me saying nothing while they were there. If I later confronted her about it she made me feel guilty for saying something.
When I dated someone and the guy would visit, she will sit in the living room and not leave until my boyfriend left. She would even go out to the car when he was about to leave. Needles to say the relationships never lasted, and the same thing would happen if I confronted her about it, she made me feel guilty.
I haven’t dated someone in over 5 years, and if I do have a “friend” it would be in secret, and that also never lasted. If I get messages on my phone she wants to know who it is, and she never approves of my answer. She always pulls a face or has something nasty to say. If I paint a painting she wants to tell me how to do it. She wants me to dress in the way that she approves of. I’m not at all the same as my mother but she does not seem to respect that.
She wants to do everything with me. If I sit in my room she always wants to know where I am. If I run myself a nice bubblebath, after she was just sitting on Facebook the whole time, she just undresses before me and get in the tub before me, not ever allowing me to take a bath first.
She makes decisions for me. Makes arrangements with other people and do not consider me and I just have to fall in with the plans. I have no friends, I never go out unless it’s with her, if I do go out she phones me every half hour to hear when I’m coming back, and sometimes she makes me feel guilty when I come back (well most of the times).
I went for counseling over a year ago thinking that I was crazy and that I was at fault. She wanted to go with me and wait in the car for me. When I said no she was so angry with me. Upon my return she wanted to know exactly what I said and I refused to tell her. Then she told me it was good that I have gone because she can’t handle my moods anymore.
My brother stays in a flat in our yard and he is getting married soon so he will be moving out. I can’t imagine what it’s going to be like when he is gone but I fear that she will cling to me even more.
I’m at a point in my life where I feel emotionally drained and I feel that I have lost the person I was meant to be along the way. I don’t even fight with her anymore because I just try and avoid it as I don’t want to fight all the time. How do I get my mother to understand that she has a problem and she needs to see someone about that. It is a very toxic situation and I fear that it’s gone beyond repair. I still want to respect her as she is my mother. She has only 1 friend who doesn’t visit as often as I would have liked.
What do I do to make her see reason? How do I get to have my own life? (I’m 30 and she is 57)
Angelique, let me say that I am not a therapist or counselor of any sort. These are just a few thoughts based on your remarks.
From what you say, you seem to be dealing with a person who is not only emotionally needy but narcissistic. That’s a challenge and combination that I know from personal experience, having had a mother who didn’t respect the boundaries between herself and in particular, me. So I get where you’re coming from.
What if you showed her this article and the comments? What if she had the benefit of these other views of how damaging her actions are to your relationship, not to mention, to you? What if you then pointed her to the article on starting over aspects of your life at 50+ — loss of a spouse through death or divorce can set off a dramatic chain of changes, of course — and hearing others’ stories offers perspective. What if you pointed her to some of the other articles that talk about starting over after 50, and the comments?
Perhaps in reading the comments in particular, she might see that she’s well off compared to some, or she might be inspired by the stories of courage and community she would read.
It is possible to move into middle age and older as a single woman without strangling the lives of our kids!
As a person in my middle years who lived with an overbearing and emotionally needy mother — one I escaped, but not without guilt — I purposely did everything I could to raise independent children. It can be challenging to face the future without family around, so I can understand your mother’s probable fear of growing old alone, which may be part of why she clings so tightly.
But as you relate your history, this has been going on for years. Your mother has you and your brother close — too close — for you to live your own life.
These suggestions may be pointless, and may do no good. I’m guessing from the sound of your fatigue, that you’ve tried talking to her and that hasn’t helped. (Your mention of therapy suggests as much.) I sometimes wonder this: If my mother had realized how she was destroying relationships with the people she claimed to love, had she opened herself up to taking responsibility for her own happiness, and had she considered a shift in behavior — how different her world would have been.
You deserve to own yourself and to lead your own life. We as parents need to allow our children to fly. Ideally, a balance of responsibility to one’s parents — especially as they grow older — along with managing our own lives is what we all seek.
Easier said than done, I know.
Hi, thanks for the response.
I have tried talking to my mother, but it always ends up in her getting angry and sulking for days on end. And it’s usually accompanied with making me feel guilty because I treat her bad. She lives in denial about the fact that she needs to seek help.
She had friends who were all divorced, but she ended up pushing them all away until there was nobody left, then she started doing the same to my friends. Many people, concerned friends and family, tried talking to her, then she ended up getting angry and then just never visited them again.
I do understand that she is alone, but she needs to make more friends and enjoy life. She never goes out and if she does it has to be with me.
She wants to do everything I do. Like for example, I became a photographer, not soon after she started doing it too. Now she makes me do things like carry her camera bag, and she tells people that I’m her lighting and wardrobe assistant. I hate photography now.
Even if I tell her in a nice way that she is not making right, she still gets angry and makes me feel guilty for saying something.
Maybe I should print the articles out and put it somewhere where she can find them.
Thank you so much for replying. It means a lot to be able to speak to someone who can relate to my situation. I always thought I was alone and to see so many people with the same problem makes me feel a bit “better”, for lack of a better word, because I can speak to someone who understands.
Xxxxx
This is more about my father than my mother. He works alot, makes bad business decisions and doesnt have many friends. My parents marriage has been on the rocks for years for various reasons. After seeing a divorce was a very real possibility instead of changing his behaviour, my father decided to twist my ear into believing whatever he says. And its mainly because he is so damn needy and sad. And I was an emotionally sensitive teenager who really thought my dad was going through a dificult time and needed my support.
7 years later and I discovered I WAS DEAD WRONG. I often feel like I am taking care of a teenage boy who doesnt know financial boundaries. Even if I advise him he doesnt listen, and has an answer for everything, but when it goes wrong I have to help him.
It has stopped because I have put up FIERCE boundaries. I wont go with him anywhere alone because I dont want to be emotionally guilt-tripped into being put in the middle of my parents relationship (and then get blamed for driving a wedge between them even though they put me there). I dont want to be guilt tripped into helping him pay his credit card bills, or work for free at his business at the expense of my college education, I dont want to be pressured into lecturing my siblings. And most of all I don’t want to hear about how horrible, bad the rest of my family is while my dad puts on the poor me I am suffering voice..
He really isnt suffering, he is just selfish; pushing all the blame and responsibility to the rest of the family. He just has an enormous victim mentality.
I have put up with alot of his behaviour and used to believe him. It DID SO MUCH DAMAGE TO THE REST OF MY FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS! That I will not be used again.
– I failed university and had to quit because I was spending time helping out at his job (he could not deliver enough parcels in time). While I realise I should have been studying, it doesnt help when you have a constantly frazzled dad yelling ‘help me’, complaining about his body aches and how much debt he owes everyday.
– I took on 3 jobs to help support his expenses.
– My relationship with my mum has detiorated to the point of almost estrangement because he keeps playing the victim and blaming her for everything. He is soo good at it, when I was younger I took his side alot and got into lots of fights with mum.
– My brother is angry at me because he thinks I took dad’s side.
– I got sexually harrassed by his colleagues everyday and when he could clearly see it – he did nothing to protect me. Instead he would give me the most useless lecture ever and my brother and mum had to come and save me.
All in all, I am just sick of taking care of his welfare while he lets me look after my own. I mean isnt it supposed to be the other way round?
I talked to my school counsellor about it and she said, this was a terrible environment to live in and I should move out. However, I cant because I dont have enough education for financial independence after sacrificing my future for him!!!
Its so infuriating because everyone warns you about the shit boyfriend who distracts you from your dream. But no one warns you about shit parents who do the same.
Now I am dealing with the aftermath of spending 7 years of my life being influenced by an asshole I care my father. I am embarassed to tell the few friends I have about this, we cant tell extended family for obvious reasons and I am so angry at seeing all my school friends move on with their lives while I was dealing with this mess.
Now I am so sick of it that I dont know what on earth I am going to do. Do you have any advice on dealing with all these feelings. I am just sooo angry and filled with regret.
Putting up those ‘fierce’ boundaries as you called them sounds like a good step. And I am guessing that you are still in your 20s which suggests to me that you have the time and energy and good health to get yourself out of the situation you are in, however difficult it will be – and that includes getting at least some of the education you need to pursue your own dreams.
And you are quite right it should be the other way around – the parents caring for the children particularly when the parents are still young enough to take care of themselves!
Is there anyone you can brainstorm with to find alternative ways that you can gain more independence, and get some distance from this emotionally needy father and this very damaging relationship?
I couldn’t be sure of your country from your post, so I’ll say this generically. I suspect your most likely choice for an “out” is by associating with some sort of government or volunteer program, or even the armed services. Such things in America are Americorps/Vista, the Peace Corps, possibly others.
This would get you away from that very toxic environment and give you some breathing space in which to think about who you are, and what you want from life. While the pay would be nominal, and there would be no guaranteed path, you would be building valuable skills of personal resilience, valuable resume credentials, and making contacts that you would never make in your current environment.
Speaking of the toxic environment, you might also want to see if you qualify for services or housing for victims of domestic violence. From your description, you are at least being manipulated, and there is a growing awareness that psychological abuse is true abuse.
These are “out of the box” suggestions, but in your case you have nothing to lose and everything to gain by considering them.
I wish you well!
Wow, I am up early trying to figure out how to deal with my parents and thankful for the post and the comments. Stupid incident yesterday – mom and dad come to my teenage son’s hockey game. The last couple of years they have come to a lot of games – especially when they don’t have much going on in their lives. When they arrive, I instantly feel the pressure from my mom to make her feel good – which is a confusing and bottomless pit. If I turn my focus to her, and engage in conversation the feels meaningful to her, I have a pretty good shot at not getting some form of disappointment shed my way (verbal or non-verbal). However, I might miss a play in my son’s game or interaction from the rest of the parents, which is actually why I am at the game.
So yesterday, I invite her over to sit by me. She engages in conversation about great visits she has had recently with both my college age daughter and my teenage son – which is awesome. They have told her about some painting I am doing (I have decided to find something for me – that isn’t about taking care of others, so I am dabbling at painting). She grills me about what I am painting – and I am a bit vague about it. Its almost like if I go in depth into what I am painting, she will take that away from me too, which sounds crazy, but I think that is the pattern and therein lies the dysfunction somehow… At the end of the period, she instructs me to go talk to my dad – “he would really like it” – she again grills me on the painting thing and I respond by saying I really don’t want to talk about that. I was then told it doesn’t seem like you want to talk about anything. So I walked away, which is not typical, but dang, I am 51 years old and she is the only person that makes me feel like crap. I want to set boundaries with her – she is a bottomless pit of need.
So, they left without saying good-bye, and I know my mom is stewing about this right now too. I really think she loves this pattern of pushing buttons to create drama – almost addicted to the energy that it brings, even though it makes her feel bad at the same time.
Silly thing is, if my mom would just let our relationship unfold naturally, she would get more than what she needs…
Interestingly enough, as I write this I am understanding the situation a bit more. My dad has been pretty controlling and verbally abusive to her our whole lives. But, he needs her – she is really the only person he needs. He would stand by her honor at all times. I have gone to him in the past for support and got nothing.
This is truly enlightening – Without even understanding what she is doing, she comes to me, pushes a few buttons, drags me over to my dad. I exhibit bad behavior because of the buttons she has pushed and now she gets positive attention from him and they are on the same page – “Is it too much to ask of Lisa to be pleasant to us at the hockey game – we have come all this way to see them”.
Ok, so as a pleaser, I am now taking some comfort in the fact that maybe I have done something positive, indirectly, even if it doesn’t feel good to me.
I relate so well to your relationship with your adult children. As my daughter went off to college this fall, I was more afraid that I would not engage with her enough than too much, as a direct relationship to not wanting to be like my mom. So, I try to reach out and ask about important events and listen to what she is doing. When she calls, I drop anything that is not important or call her back as soon as I can. I am letting her drive the interactions. The result is that she calls me for advice all the time, and sometimes I have a hard time getting her off the phone. I love knowing what is going on in her life – she is so happy and doing so well. I just hope that I am emotionally available enough to her – I will definitely not be too needy.
Thank you! This is my year to be more aware, and learn how to care for and be sensitive to the needs of others without sacrificing myself in the process – I squirm at the idea of focusing on me, but I am trying to learn that that is the only way to create truly healthy relationships.
If I could just “like” your comment I would☺ I have nothing to say but you are not alone, and I hope you can figure a way to live healthy and well inspite of this toxic relationship. Ugh its so difficult.
Reading this article I felt a kindred spirit. My mom drives me crazy! She really needs to get a life of her own. I am 43 and she is 60 and married. My mom and dad don’t do anything or go anywhere even though they can afford to. If I don’t call and get up with her on my day off she gets mad. I am married and have my own family and run my own business. I am expected to go see her and take her places even though they both drive. I am to the point I dread to go to her house and talk on the phone with her due to her prying, negativity, etc. ….is it normal to love but not like your parent? I liked her a lot better when I lived 3 hours away and only saw her on holidays. She drains me emotionally and even though I try to set boundaries she somehow manages to guilt me in every time.
You have my sympathy — and empathy! (And I don’t know if it’s “normal” to dislike but love your parent, but I totally get that, too.) If they both drive, why is it your responsibility to drive her, especially at 60, which isn’t exactly ancient? I’m curious what happens when you say “no.” (I know how hard this is. Been there, done that.)
The problem is a lot of the time the children do seem burdened. They don’t show it if they’re decent human beings because they feel sorry for you. A lot of the time they also feel quite guilty, It’s not right to expect a son or daughter to be your emotional sponge or to expect them to take care of you. The parents’ job is to raise a child to give away to their wife or significant other. The parent is just a temporary family until the the permanent one comes. If you need someone to rely on get a spouse, that’s what they were put there for, not your son. I see this a lot with my own boyfriend and he thinks he is doing it because he wants to but someone looking from the outside sees the truth. Make some friends, let your sons live their lives. You had your chance to be happy but the decisions you’ve made have brought you to where you are. It’s time for your sons to release some of the burden so they can make and maintain healthy relationships with girlfriends and wives.
Hi D, I know this was written a while back but I can’t express enough how helpful it’s been to have come across this article, and especially your comment. I have experienced a very similar situation with my dad ever since I was very little. He’s a narcissist and has manipulated me and my sister from a very young age with all his guilt-tripping, silent treatments, facial expressions and pep talk that left us feeling like we were bad people. What makes it worse is that my mum has deep-rooted issues also and so I was the bin in which she would offload all her feelings of anger and frustration in and this happened pretty much every day (shouting and insults). So needless to say I didn’t have a ‘happy’ childhood as people would describe it. On the contrary, I was filled with dread from the erratic explosive or withdrawn behaviour from my parents, the constant arguments and the out of the blue drama when I was least expecting it. As a result I developed deep anxiety, it felt like walking on eggshells and if I ever relaxed or got distracted something would happen like my dad would turn up and they’ll have some horrible argument. I can feel my heart racing just by writing this down.
I am now 42 years old and I still suffer from anxiety, especially related to issues with my dad. He has always been an emotional mess, his normal state is being angry or frustrated, always very negative and opinionated and if you have a different opinion he might choose to take it personally and challenge you to the point of exhaustion or even attack you for having a different view. When I was 8 years old he gave me the silent treatment because I chose to spend Christmas with my mum and not with him, he looked at me with contempt, crossed his arms and remained unmoved when I approached him to give him a hug and wish him a Happy Christmas. After a few hours when he decided he was ready to talk to me again he gave me one of his ‘speeches’ in which he made me feel responsible for him having to spend Christmas alone. This is probably my earliest memory of me feeling that I was responsible for my dad’s emotions.
He’s convinced that he was the best dad anyone could have hoped for. He provided, he took us out on trips, he sent us to private schools. But what he can’t see is that he has a profound belief that this gives him the ticket to receive unconditional love and attention from his daughters – without boundaries.
As I grew into a teenager I never wanted to have much to do with him as I felt emotionally exhausted and I started to withdraw after my parents got divorced. However, he kept talking to key people in my life, anyone whom he could ‘befriend’ like some of my aunties or uncles, even a cousin, and make them feel sorry for him so that they would talk to me and guilt trip me into what a wonderful dad he is and so I must give him the attention he ‘deserved’. This would always make me feel incredibly guilty, especially because I didn’t have the emotional literacy to understand how I felt about him or to validate the whole situation. It was almost like it was me being ungrateful for not seeing the ‘good’ things he had done for me. So I would then become submissive again and call him and kept an eye on him to keep him happy, sometimes he would have a phase when he’d be ok and we would get along but quickly it would change if for some reason I ‘didn’t meet his ‘expectations’ or he just had a bad day.
As a teenager and as I grew up into an adult every time there was a special event like a family gathering (birthday, Christmas, etc), for some reason, he always felt left out and he would hate it if I started chatting to people and enjoying myself. He took this as though I was purposely ignoring him and my responsibility was to make sure he had a good time at the party. He would stare at me all night like a jealous boyfriend, it made me feel soooo uncomfortable, it was creepy and embarrassing, everyone around would notice and they would look at me to see how I would react. All the adults around me were ‘scared’ of him as he had such a temper so even though they knew that he had obvious issues, nobody stood up for me to reassure me or to talk to him about the way he treated me and my sister.
This carried on for years. When he was happy he would call me his baby girl and treat me like a little child and if he was disappointed or upset he would treat me like I owed him something. No attention was enough attention for him. He simply couldn’t understand why I didn’t want to have a close relationship with him. Eventually, when I was 23 I moved to England and I thought this would give me the distance I needed from both of my parents. However the guilt-tripping never stopped, he always felt entitled to be informed or involved in certain areas of my life. I started to withdraw more and would spend weeks without calling him but it was always bubbling inside me that the longer I’d leave it the more hostile he would get and that’s exactly what happened. Even though he wasn’t close in proximity he still had this power over me instilling fear and anxiety even across the distance. I got married at 28 and my husband couldn’t understand why I let my dad treat me that way.
In 2016 I had my first baby and while I was in the maternity, having just gone through an emergency c-section, I received a very unpleasant phone call from him> He was in his ‘you owe me’ mode and told me that my mum made a comment that there was something not right with the baby and that I was withholding this information from him. I explained this wasn’t the case but regardless of my explanations he carried on and intimidated me with his voice and his words and I eventually said that I needed to go and feed my baby. I hung up and he didn’t speak to me again for 3.5 years.
During this time I had to have psychotherapy to help with the anxiety I got from the whole situation. I managed to find some peace in understanding how toxic he was for me. However, because he lives in a country where there’s austerity and I know he’s not in great health, I couldn’t make my peace with the fact that I had abandoned an older person who probably needed food and healthcare. It’d really eat me up at times not to know anything about his wellbeing. My mum tried to guilt-trip me several times to talk to my dad, probably out of guilt because she caused the intrigue which caused the rupture, and I felt a real lack of support.
In February last year, we lost one of his closest relatives. I knew my dad was devastated and I was very distressed too. In the middle of all the pain, I made the decision to send him a message to send my condolences. We began talking again but I realised that he’s still angry and impulsive even though I feel like he’s been trying to not damage the relationship. He has started to request that I contact him more often and that he wants to see my children. This has really brought up deep anxiety in me again. If a few days go by and I haven’t made contact I start to feel super anxious and stressed and it affects my children and my husband. I feel desperate at times and I am so fearful – I don’t know exactly what I fear – but after so many books and so much therapy I’ve learnt that I have deep trauma embedded in my nervous system and even though I can rationalise the situation I can’t help but feel the fear, the anxiety and all the reactions in my body that I get from him.
My question is, should I work on my trauma in order to become strong enough so that I can still have a relationship with my dad and not be affected by his demands or his behaviour? Or, shall I not bother going back trying to have a relationship with him at all?
I tried the second option and it didn’t work for me as I felt deep guilt. I feel that if I try the first option it’ll probably take many many years if I even get there so in the meantime I’m going to be feeling this horrendous anxiety. If feels like with either option I have no peace.
Can anyone relate? Has anyone found contentment? A peaceful solution?
I feel our difficult relationships with our parents are such an unspoken theme. I feel judged by people because they can’t understand that things really are like this. It’s embarrassing to come from someone so crazy that can be so bipolar in a way to both love you and enslave you. A therapist said to me once that these sort of scenarios were some of the most difficult ones to deal with because of the deep attachment we feel from all the ‘good’ things our parents did but at the same time, they starved us of their love, manipulated us and treated us like a commodity to fill the gaps of their own low self-esteem and insecurities.
Hi C. What a dreadful, lifelong dilemma you have lived with this relationship. I am not in a position to give advice — I’m a writer, not a counselor — but I can certainly empathize. There is much in your story that reminds me of my mother with whom I tried to have a “good” relationship for decades, at times dealing with her histrionics, her narcissism, and her extraordinary neediness with a measure of generosity (and yes, guilt) on my part. At other times, the lifetime of damage inflicted created so much pain for me that I cut her off entirely for months at a time, and sometimes longer. One thing going for you (it seems) — your husband appears to be on your side. Mine (now my ex) took my mother’s side every time, adding to the guilt-tripping and leaving me feeling completely alone (and a like I was the crazy one).
Is there a solution? Contentment? Eventual peace?
For some, yes. For others, no. But this isn’t a binary choice. Emotional pain comes and goes; the related anxiety and fear may be more or less depending on other circumstances in our lives (including support systems that may help us stay strong, whatever our choices). The extent to which we feel some measure of peace is, in my experience, impacted by these other circumstances, not to mention the passage of time. (Interestingly perhaps, I’ve just drafted something I will publish shortly on “old wounds.” It touches on some of this.)
Incidentally, I semi-patched up my relationship with my mother when I had babies (like you) — “semi” because I still had to keep her at arm’s length, but I thought the relationship would be good for my kids (though long-distance, which helped a bit). And, as a mother feeling the endless wells of love for my own children, I had a new perspective on how much my distance was hurting her, whatever the damage she had done to me with her on-again/off-again roller coaster of love/abuse. It was relatively ok when they were babies and toddlers (though still limited), but when I saw her manipulations begin toward my little boys (similar behaviors that were part of my childhood), I did what I could to restrict those interactions. Unfortunately, as I said, my ex took her side.
My mother passed many years ago. I can look back and see so many gifts she gave me, and I’m grateful for them. I also know that to others she was “fun” and “interesting” and many other positive adjectives. They never knew the other side of that coin. I thought I would find more peace with our problematic past once she was gone (however terrible that may sound). I found somewhat more peace, but not what I expected. Our history is very much a part of me. And as I said, “old wounds” remain.
Very late to discovering this, but so glad I did.
I may have overlooked it, but I didn’t read a response that is honestly how I feel /felt about my relationship with my mother:
When she died at 83, and I was 53, I felt a huge sense of relief.
I’d spent most of my life taking care of her, in so many of the ways others have identified. She was a bottomless, guilt-piling, jealous taker. What I did for her was from a sense of obligation (not love). My father died when I was twenty, right after I’d spent a month in the hospital with a pulmonary embolism after being put on the pill for one month for serious menstrual issues. I loved my father very much and did what I did for her as a way of honoring him.
My mother hated my wonderful husband from the start, and tried everything to break us apart. As a result, in the 30-some years we were married before she died, I only asked him about half-a-dozen times to do anything that involved her.
All our stories are the same, with different details. I’m 73 now, and STILL healing from my experience. I had two younger brothers, one of whom grew up to be as irresponsible and as much of a user and taker as our mother. He died about ten years ago.
I swore I would not get involved with his ruined life, but our other brother took him in, to help him get back on his feet. I did step in, to help the good brother. When the youngest died, I felt that same sense of relief and that I finally dealt with the last remnants of my mother’s “ mothering”. My other brother, the good one, and I have become close, and I adore his wife. She and I talk weekly.
One of the main reasons we did not have children was my absolute fear I’d destroy my children and my marriage by turning into my mother.
It’s a cold thing to say, but sometimes the only way to gain some release is for that parent to die. However, the damage can continue a lifetime. I’m so grateful to my husband for understanding me, what I went through; if it had been up to him, I would have had no contact with my mother the second time she seriously acted out and left me miserable. We are celebrating our 52 anniversary this summer.
My heart goes out to all of us who’ve had to try to make sense out of the pain that we suffered. I hope you can find love.