We know that politicians are packaged for public consumption. Likewise, celebrities, though personal style and image were more easily conveyed in the days of the Hollywood machine, not to mention before the ubiquitous nature of social media.
Individuals are packaged as well — from the names we use for ourselves to hairstyle, glasses, wardrobe, and even the way we speak. Many go a few steps further – what they drive, where they live, the brands they spend their money on.
We package ourselves for our pleasure. We package ourselves to be “successful” – to get the guy or girl, and to get the job. We package ourselves to be accepted, and also as a matter of self-protection.
We may be on the outside looking to break in; we may feel trapped, on the inside looking to break out.
Naturally, when we are in the process of meeting and greeting for potential romance, we’re on our best behavior, with our best face forward. Oh, it can be fun! And oh, it can be tiring. More importantly, it can be deceptive.
What if we could feel more comfortable being our true selves? What if we could accelerate that comfort, at least with our closest friends and colleagues? That doesn’t mean discarding the routines that make us feel good and facilitate fitting in where necessary, but it would be nice to let down one’s guard, to feel secure, to feel welcome – beyond the packaging.
Personal Packaging, Personal Style
This morning I awakened with images dancing in my head of 1940s and 50s movies, and ridiculous parties in which a woman jumps out of a giant cake. Strange, I know; there’s no accounting for dreams. I was envisioning Hollywood-style objets de désir of the period, and imagining the exuberance of popping out from inside those tall tiers to a sensation of breaking free of confinement or constraints.
I’m thinking of our various wrappings – a pretty face (or one enhanced with cosmetics), a bright smile (courtesy of the latest round of bleaching), a sensuous body (the result of hours at the gym) and also, the clothing that enables us to fit in or stand out – as needed.
And yes, I view those attributes in our highly visual and judgmental world as constraints as much as they can be advantages. That is in part because we obsess over them; we spend way too much time, money, and effort tending to them; and we suffer as we feel their loss at various points in life. We would be better served lessening their importance (at the very least), so we could move beyond the features that are “plain,” the figure that is too round or too bony, the hair that is thinning or the skin that is losing its luster with age.
Expectations Require Many Masks
Then there are the assorted masks we wear in compliance with expectations: the good daughter, the good wife, the good employee; the proper mother, the responsible citizen, the cocktail party flirt. It isn’t that these aren’t significant parts of who we are, but we shape our presentation (and appearance, actions, language) according to the audience and our needs. At least we do so if we’re smart, don’t you think?
So what if we could peek inside – beyond the trappings of personal style, beyond the physical, beyond the acquired behaviors that are intended in part for self-protection, for self-promotion and possibly privacy? What if we could know whether or not a new acquaintance were sincere, vulnerable, generous, insecure, compassionate, angry, or a force to be reckoned with in the best way possible, just waiting for the opportunity to be encouraged?
How many assessments of value do we make when it comes to others without knowing their circumstances, their demons, their dreams, their wisdom, their tall tales or their hunger to take a bite out of life?
Developing Personal Style: The Whole Package
When I think of personal style, I immediately picture a “look” – corporate, Bohemian, edgy, traditional; at times it is urban versus suburban, or country. I also imagine my style icons – and there are several – Katherine Hepburn is one who comes to mind.
Those with style that I admire go beyond the packaging we typically identify – beyond first impressions or overall look, beyond beauty, beyond elegant attire. They are masters of more substantive aspects of presentation – speech, gestures, confidence, good nature, undeniable intelligence.
When I think of Hepburn, I am aware not only of her formidable talent, but of her independence, her smarts, her athleticism and her confident stride. I can’t recall the last time I encountered a woman – in real life of course – with so much assurance in who she is, and unfettered by the conceits and masks that we wear as we gain experience in the world, packaging ourselves accordingly.
Letting Down the Mask
I am all for putting one’s best face forward – more so in terms of behavior and character than appearance, though certainly I believe that appearances matter.
One of the pleasures of maturing is beginning to feel the freedom to unpackage ourselves, or rather to repackage when and how we like. Over time, I have observed the following not only in myself but in my friends.
- We speak our minds more clearly and with less trepidation. We have a clearer idea of when we shouldn’t.
- We know what we want and what we do not. We are more determined to spend our time accordingly.
- We understand who is important in our lives, and to whom we are important. We narrow the focus as a result.
Obviously, we do not cut new people out of our worlds, but we come to grips with the fact that we cannot do it all, be it all, juggle it all – so choices must be made. Time becomes our most precious commodity.
Call it confidence, call it maturity, call it what you like. We allow more people to see who we really are; we seek to deal with the person behind the mask in others. And some of us dream of what it is like to pop out of a cake – very Jane Russell or Betty Grable – simply because it might be fun.
Image of Katherine Hepburn, 1941, public domain.
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There is so much here to comment on… I probably will not do it justice sitting here at the end of my lunch hour. Prior to turning 50, I allowed too many people to control what I thought of myself. I forgot it was more about them than me and internalized every hurtful remark. Somehow, 11 years ago, I snapped out of it. I decided to look, dress, wear makeup, control my time, the way I WANTED TO. With each day, I grew in confidence and maturity. And you know what… the more I took care of me and stopped listening to others, the better I was for family, friends, and students. I could serve them with joy now.
My personal style has developed out of this journey and I love it. I feel more like me and I am content with me more than I ever have been. But, it is a journey! I think the women I admire the most, like Hepburn, are confident… they know who they are and they own it… whether it is in Chanel or Levi jeans!
I love following fashion as an art form… but the fashion world does not tell me who I am. I decided what messages I want to send with my clothing and I stick to that… there is where I live. Personal Style comes more from inside rather than the pages of Vogue… We have to know who we are and how we want to be seen. I could probably go on… but I must go!
We do indeed internalize those hurtful remarks. So true, Pam. (Are women more likely to do this? Is it in part because we get more criticism of a personal nature?)
You’ve given me more food for thought in your response. Thank you!
All of this is so very true, however, it does take maturing BEFORE we understand most of what you’ve written. My grandmother, Mom-Mom, was the biggest influence in my life, in every area. She was a grand lady, no matter her means. The style, behaviors, presentation of one’s self, the vocabulary, the posture, the decorum, the laughter, the wit, the intelligence, the personal grooming… all taught by her have become “normal” to me.
People say I am elegant. If I am it comes from the inside. And, as the commercial says “it’s IN there.”
What a thoughtful and provocative post, Wolfie. I do wish I could contemplate and write as you do. That is something for which I must strive… maybe in 2015.
Contemplative. Yes, that’s a very good thing. Sending love…
An influential grandmother as a model. How fabulous, Marsha. Were earlier generations better examples? Will we be equally good examples in our time?
I consider myself fortunate that I had one of those very elegant (and strong) grandmothers, too. What lessons we can learn not only on style but how to lead a meaningful and interesting life.
And thank you for those gracious words, my friend. Xo
Wolfie, I must find some of the early posts I did, all very much tongue-in-cheek, about Mom-Mom & “the family.” Tish Jett said they were the funniest, most creative things she’s ever read. I’ll send them to you.
Yes, yes, yes – please do, Marsha! (Note, your comment got me thinking and was the jumping off point for today’s musing.)
Your elements of what is behind the mask are the real beauty – not only in what we give the world but how we view it and how we have learned, hopefully, to live in it. I love all three bullet points.
I find this to be true as a “writer” too. On one hand we’re told to appear professional and like we’ve been doing it for years and on the other hand to be where we are in the process. On one hand to turn in polished queries that are right out of the gate ready to go, on the other to ask for help. My bottom line, is to be who and where we are – with polish – much like you’ve written here – down the lines of fashion and appearance.
I love this provocative piece, D.A. I think many of us try on many faces before we find the one that’s truly our own. I’ve been the ingenue, the good Christian homeschool mom, and a minx, to name a few. Finding confidence and contentment in our own skins as women is no small thing; that’s why were always amazed when we see a woman, like Hepburn, who is doing it. She really is an icon to admire because she wasn’t just beautiful; she was real.
Thanks for writing this. You’ve given me lots to think about.
And maybe we shouldn’t feel that we have to choose just one… even just one “real” one, especially when several may be natural facets of who we are, though to others they are contradictions. Thanks for stopping by, Chloe! Glad you enjoyed. xo