A few months ago, I attended a reception for Honor Students at my university. I had served as the mentor for the thesis of one of my favorite students (a promising young man named James), who will leave his mark on the world one day! It was a great night where we acknowledged the efforts and intellectual endeavors of our very best students, and I was in awe of how preternaturally mature and composed these future leaders were.
In contrast, the 21-year-old Scott was nowhere near as together as these students.
But the highlight of the night for me was meeting James’ parents. James’ mother is from Guatemala and speaks very little English. But you could see how proud she was of her son, and how close they were. James’ dad was also proud and loving. Years ago, he had emigrated from Argentina, and has worked tirelessly to provide his son with a better life and the opportunities he never had.
James’ father worked three jobs most of his adult life – real, psychically and psychologically demanding work. He wasn’t always there to be with his son growing up – he was too busy doing the most important job of a father – sacrificing himself so his son could get what he needed. James’ parents worked incredibly hard to be able to send him to college, and James was the first in his family to go.
Speaking with James’ father, my thoughts started drifting to my relationship with my son. While I have made sacrifices and work hard to be a good father, I couldn’t help but feel lucky and blessed to have had things so much easier. My single job pays well and affords me lots of time flexibility and autonomy. I never felt the stress of deciding whether to spend time with my son or take on another job so I could feed him. Most of the time, what is best for my son is also what I want to do – spend quality time with him, and serve as his life coach and mentor.
I was in awe of the love and sacrifice of James’ dad, and wondered if, had I been in a similar situation, I would be man enough to always do what was needed instead of what I wanted. I also think about all the single parents who have made similar sacrifices.
It would break my heart to miss Nick’s birthdays, light-saber battles and little league games. Heck, it would pain me to miss out on celebrating my own birthdays, enjoying lazy weekend days, and having the leisure time to read, relax and recharge. James’ father gave up all those experiences out of love for his family.
James’ father sacrificed much of his life and poured that life into his son. He’s my inspiration.
I am a college professor and an advocate for workplaces that are more supportive of working parents. I will keep James’ father in the front of my mind as I perform both of these roles. As an advocate, he reminds me that while work-family concerns are most commonly addressed in white collar companies with middle- and upper-class workers, work-family concerns actually hit those in blue collar and working class jobs the hardest. And as a college professor, I will remember that James’ father’s worked tirelessly for so long just for the opportunity to pay for his son to come to my college.
He, and so many other fathers, are entrusting me and my colleagues with the future of their children. He expects us to teach them well and also to open doors.
With this mindset, I am renewed for the approaching new academic year, and looking forward to doing right not only by my students but by their hardworking parents.
© Scott Behson
Scott Behson, PhD, is a Professor of Management at Fairleigh Dickinson University, a busy involved dad, and an overall grateful guy. As a national expert in work and family issues, Scott was a featured speaker at the recent White House Summit on Working Families. He runs Fathers, Work, and Family, a blog dedicated to helping fathers better balance work and family, and encouraging more supportive workplaces. He also writes on work and family issues for various publications, including Time, Harvard Business Review, and the Wall Street Journal. Scott is the author of the newly released (2015) book, “The Working Dad’s Survival Guide: How to Succeed at Work and at Home.” He lives in Nyack, NY with his wife, Amy, and son, Nick. Contact him on Twitter (@ScottBehson), Facebook, or LinkedIn.
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Thanks again, DA, for having me here at DPoC!
Hi everyone- I look forward to the conversation.
-SB
I appreciate the contribution, Scott. These are such important conversations to all of us. So much to learn, think about, work toward.
Hi Scott,
It is hard. I had to move out of state to take a job while my kids stayed behind. I commuted back and forth for a while but we hit a stretch of 90 days where I didn’t get to see them. It sucked, but you do what you can to provide the best life for the kids.
Sometimes it is hard to find the balance we want.
Hi Jack- I consider myself insanely lucky that I haven’t had to make the sacrifices you and many other parents have.
To borrow a tired phrase, I was “born on at least 2nd base” when it came to being able to provide for my family, but I try not to forget those who have had to struggle more.
Thanks for reading and your comment.
Recently I was thinking, and even said aloud, “I’m jealous of my son’s childhood!” There’s some element of sacrifice to it, being a stay-at-home dad and putting my own prospects on hold. I can empathize with the immigration point in this piece as well. We decided that we had a brighter future outside of California, and here we are, a couple years later, our lives reassembled and happier than ever.
The trouble I’m having is that now — now that the family’s life is in good order — what do I do? All these years of sacrifice, it feels like *what I’m good at.* Next struggle: reclaim myself. Maybe I’ll have a walk over to the beach and get started on that 🙂
Hi Brian- Kinda the opposite sacrifice, your career sacrificed for kids.
After the beach, the good news is that one can usually ramp up to new career opportunities with part-time or contract work. Not easy, but easier than jumping back all at once. Good luck, and thanks for the comment.
Scott thank you for the article. As you realize, you are both lucky and privileged to spend the amount of time you do with your child and impact other young people with your work. You are correct that many people with lesser economic resources are less able to spend time with their children as they try to afford the necessities of life never mind better the lives of their children. That said there are many other people that cannot spend as much time with their children as they would like or that is optimal for a variety of reasons. The type of work one does may keep a person from home for hours, days, etc and sometimes on special occasions.
Soldiers, oil workers, fishermen, etc are all away for days, weeks or months at a time just by the nature of the work. Surgeons, policemen, fire fighters, etc are often called away at times that are not opportune for their children. Others feel the need to provide what society and the media push (improperly in my mind) so they work the extra hours to buy the IPod, big screen TV, etc. Instead of for things, maybe they work the extra hours or job because they believe their child need better training and opportunities as they will become a Prima Ballerina, Willie Mayes, Albert Einstein, etc.
Others work long hours for what they perceive as job security or benefiting themselves and their family (which is usually misguided in my mind). Then there is the traditional guy who wants to spend more time with the children but acquiesces or allows the mother to take this role.
I think this is the reality for many and perhaps most people.
I also think that some people confuse giving their children things and opportunity is the best thing, when really what children want is quite simply time, love, attention, approval and to feel safe. As parents our duty is to do the best we can to allow our children to be the best that they can be as humans and individuals. Like you I try to do this.
One of the things I ask my children and myself each day is based on an old Jesuit principle: What have you learned today and what good things have you done today? They groan, but someday they will understand.