Does marriage kill off passion, or is it time that wears away the sparkle, the sizzle, the special satisfaction?
Psychology Today tells us that predictions of lost lust in the marital bedroom are not a given. In “Love and Lust,” not only does the writer contend that relationship heat can be maintained, but she touches on something even more appealing: the notion that we can never entirely know each other.
Ah, sweet mystery of life!
Cue the swell of sappy background music, please.
More to the point: Isn’t predictability a buzz kill in the boudoir? Why do we feel compelled to stick to the same routines? And why are we so likely to share every (dull) detail, daily dilemma, and stray thought in our heads?
TMI really is Too Much Information – even in marriage and committed relationships.
Frequency of Married Sex
Here is the statistic that many like to linger over, and no doubt I’ve used it myself a time or two in recent years. Married couples, depending on age (and other factors), have sex on average one to three times a week.
Dr. Virginia Rutter writes:
Contrary to conventional wisdom, married couples—and their cohabiting counterparts—have more sex than the nonmarried, a fact confirmed in a 2010 survey by the Kinsey Institute revealing who does not have sex.
Then again, let’s consider that these surveys use averages, that data can be presented any number of ways, and who knows… there may be a handful of couples skewing the results on the high side! Okay, I’m exaggerating, but considering the long (dry) spells I’ve personally experienced in my life (as have my friends), however anecdotal that tidbit… the 2010 data isn’t such a surprise.
But here is what truly caught my interest:
… no matter how long you live together, two people always inhabit separate worlds. Some part of your partner is deeply unknowable.
Keeping the Mystery Alive
Isn’t sexual desire born of mystery, of wanting to know, of a potentially bottomless well of discoveries to be made about the other?
Sure, that’s a romanticized view. But think about it. When you can predict your partner’s every move, how interesting is that? When you can anticipate the response to any scenario, where’s the fun?
I am heartened by this statement:
Evidence has long existed that couples have lots of sex early in the relationship and the frequency of sex declines over time. Aging and the dramas of raising a family and earning money change when and how people do it, but long-married couples still have an advantage: They enjoy it more.
Midlife Sex: Uncharted Waters
However, this tidbit, given that I dwell chronologically in “midlife,” is anything but encouraging:
Very little research is dedicated to middle-age sex. “Not a lot of studies look at sex in established couples or sex in midlife,” says Carpenter. Even “experts” have little clue what sex looks like in contemporary marriages: who initiates it and how, who does what to whom, how long it lasts.
Why is there relatively little on the desires and desirability of those who are 45+? Any volunteers in the crowd? Given the vast numbers who fall into this demographic (and spurred by gray divorce and subsequent seeking of partners), what explains this apparent lack?
Dust vs. Lust: Passion is Fragile
I am pleased to see that Dr. Rutter explores more facets of our romantic lives than raw numbers. She includes a look at the role of domestic chores and at least a mention of factors like money worries, raising children, and holding down a job as dampening our concupiscent coupling.
Also part and parcel of her questioning are these considerations. Are we sizing up the importance (frequency, intensity) of lust in comparison to what it once was? In contrast to what we see on television and other media? Does desire seem (relatively) dwarfed because love itself has grown over the years?
I have no answers to these questions, but they do have me curious about data sets and study design, and more importantly, the subtleties involved in the slow unfolding of passion, or its demise.
Sexless Marriage
I’m also pondering the preponderance of sexless marriages, the dwindling of affection that may take place during the child-raising years, and the role of familiarity in any relationship – with or without kids. For that matter, with or without the formalities of wedlock.
It happens gradually. Distance grows.
And don’t we become a little too comfy in the love nest? How arousing is it to lay next to a partner who noisily belches or passes wind? Who dispenses with elements of basic hygiene every weekend? Who is generally unconcerned about presenting a pleasing package to his or her partner?
And no, let’s not assume this is always a man!
Must we remind ourselves to work at keeping things fresh? Is that easier said than done? Too formulaic? What happens when his or her little quirks get the best of you – the socks on the floor, the wet towel on the back of the chair, the way she clears her throat, her constant fussing over an unlocked door?
How to Put the Sexy Back? Surprise. Romance. Try It.
Do resentments build until they form an impenetrable barrier? (Been there, done that.)
Is this what kills the sex? (It does take two to tango, I’ll grant you.)
Don’t both partners need to be willing to engage, to explore, to let go?
What about the women who feel uncomfortable in their bodies as they begin to age? Who may put some of their “sexy” on the back burner, as they note Hubby’s furtive glance at their younger counterparts passing by?
Just how helpful could a little bit of romance be? A bubble bath (if that’s your thing), a glass of wine (perhaps more helpful), a thoughtful gesture (better still)… A small surprise like an afternoon off and a walk, and your partner displaying genuine interest in what you have to say, and vice versa.
Aren’t these activities worth a try? Doesn’t desire begin in the brain?
“Normal” Changes?
We would be foolish to set a single standard for what is “normal” when it comes to desire, frequency of sexual activity, and in particular, how sex lives evolve over a period of years. It is also my belief that we only have a problem when one partner wants something more or something different from the other, and he or she cannot provide it.
We would also be wise to consider that there are physiological contributors to diminished sexual interest — medications, hormonal changes — and for the latter, personally, I believe the impact of prolonged stress is not to be ignored.
Moreover, a candlelit dinner will not overcome deep-seeded relationship problems that require communication, a willingness to change habits, and the ability to say goodbye to petty grievances.
Still, setting aside our own preoccupations for an evening is another matter. Revving up foreplay for the brain first might offset the “ravages” of time. Then there is the option of taking ourselves back a decade or two, and remembering, as Psychology Today suggests, that we can never entirely know another person. And that can be very, very enticing.
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Carol Cassara says
Too much togetherness robs a relationship of its sizzle. IMO.
D. A. Wolf says
That’s an interesting observation, Carol. I know some women (and men) for whom there’s almost no such thing. And others, where they couldn’t agree more with you!
RgolTN says
Agreed… You have to find the right balance. Co-dependency and being enmeshed in your marriage (lack of differentiation) is a huge marriage killer. You have to work at it and keep attraction alive. Unfortunately, it is hard. When you have been with someone for 20+ years and they know all of your good, bad and ugly; failures, disappointments etc., it is hard to maintain the passion.
I also believe the build up of resentment is a big one. I truly think that the biggest killer of passion and marriage are covert contracts and/or non-communicated expectations. For example, your husband thinks that if he does _________ (fill in blank) and other stuff, that you will have sex with him. Yet, you have never told him this and thus, he gets upset after doing a bunch of stuff for his wife and they do not end up having sex.
Another example… a wife has expectations about what her husband is supposed to provide her, give her, do for her etc. It can be simple things or big ones. So, when he fails to deliver on those expectations, he is less attractive to her. However, she never told him of her wishes, expectations etc. It is all in her head. This happens on small and large scale throughout marriages and over time kills the passion.
Ricci says
Marriage is not about sex. It is about loving to hold on to each other. This closeness will introduce sex into the encounter, but it is the closeness you want – not the big ‘O’.
Curtis says
In response to the subject line: I hope not
Paul Sheldon says
I don’t see that a solid marriage based on love can kill physical togetherness, if both parties are in good physical and mental health and started out with comparable interests. It gets more frequent and better in its way.. Perhaps not as exciting in some aspects (I could tell you crazy stories about “excitement” in my prior life — but frankly, I got enough of that to last me a life time). We consistently come out ahead of the “average” (my former marriage was another story), and I find it ironical that at my age 2016 was the most active year of my life. Things don’t have the same intensity (nothing does at age 73), but the loving feelings compensate by growing deeper and closer.
Our marriage does benefit from a lot of care and attention. I will mention three things now ingrained in me that I learned in our counseling (if done right, I recommend this to anyone, to make a marriage better)
1) “If it’s a big thing for Fran, it’s a big thing” If I accidentally knock a petal off a prize flower, don’t say that it is minor and was about to have fallen anyhow. This accident may have made her wonder if I really care for her. If she feels hurt, respect this, don’t call the situation minor and say she over-reacted. If she feels hurt, she is hurt and her pain is real and must by dealt with.
2) “I want to hear what is upsetting her whenever she is upset” This one wasn’t easy, and again, it’s not about who is right or wrong, but it’s not going away until I tell her I really want to know why she is upset and what can I do for her now.
3) “Tell her I love her, only her, now and forever, always” It is impossible to say this too frequently (recognizing that it is not a “Get Out of Jail Free” card if you have done something wrong). Say this anytime and not just as something that is said when things go wrong or are super right.
These three items may seem to have a disconnect with my first paragraph, but I believe they are basic to understanding the first paragraph.
Wolfy says
Thank you!
Neo says
Ever hear of the 80/20 rule? 80 % of women chase the 20% of men women deem desirable? Where do the 60% of women who don’t win a 20% man end up? With one of the 80% of undesirable men. They settle for someone they don’t want or respect, and they never let him forget it.
With such women, sex ends once the procreation urges are satisfied. The poor schlub who donated his DNA to her desire for motherhood gets to spend the rest of his life toiling away to support them.
There is truth in the old joke that men die before their wives because they want to.
D. A. Wolf says
I’m so sorry that your experience leads you to feel this way, Neo. I wish for you a better experience in the future. A good woman to value you.