“We’re in such different places,” she says. “You know. We want different things.”
I’m not sure how to respond to that remark from an old friend, whose frustration is palpable. She doesn’t want to end her relationship, only to find a way to alleviate some of the conflict that is arising because what he wants and what she wants are different.
“Is there anything I can do?”
“Listening helps,” she says.
I know what it is to feel as though you aren’t seeing eye to eye with your spouse, your boyfriend, or for that matter, your kids. If you’re usually in sync, or it hasn’t been a gradual shift, it’s a shock to the system.
Relationship Values, Relationship Timing
I also know what it is to have the person you love choose everything else in life as a priority – career, friends, his own pursuits. Maybe it’s a matter of timing – an opportunity arises that he can’t say no to. Maybe it’s a matter of maturity – he’s not ready for the commitment that you hope he will make.
Maybe it’s a matter of values that you never perceived; he chooses a course of action that ruptures your belief in him – and in so doing, behaviors break the relationship.
Maybe he’s fully aware that he’s sacrificing what the two of you have, but he thinks you’ll go along. Worse, he’s convinced he can back you into a corner or bully you, so you haven’t an option but to acquiesce.
Naturally, there’s always the possibility that something “better” comes along – more precisely, another person arrives on scene.
We have options. We always have options. But we may not like the options we see.
Do You Know What You Want in a Relationship?
Even the best relationship can begin to slip away without our noticing.
- Are we not feeding the “couple” adequately?
- Do we find ourselves at cross purposes?
- Is life bearing down with more pressing matters?
- Is the consequence less generosity in the form of affection, listening, or time together?
- Has some character trait shifted or newly revealed itself?
Don’t we have to know what we want in the relationship, short-term and long-term? If we can’t formulate that precisely, do we know what we don’t want? And what about the practical considerations, however “unromantic” that may sound — especially if you are middle-aged or older and financially vulnerable?
“What do you want that he doesn’t?” I ask my friend.
“I’m not sure,” she says. And then she’s quiet for a moment.
“I want him in my life. I don’t know about marriage. I have my hands full with my children and my job, and then there’s my ex. My boyfriend says he understands, but I wonder about that. He tells me he wants more of me, and I’m trying, but I’m so tired.”
Basics First, Love Second?
I think about the years I was overwhelmed as a married working mother, then a single working mother, then a single mother carrying two full-time jobs and adding to that – attempting to date. Dating periodically went by the wayside. I couldn’t do it all, have it all, be it all – much as I wanted to.
I think about Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. Food, shelter, physical safety. Basics take precedence. In her own way, that’s where my friend feels she is. Mired in the everyday necessities of survival.
I think about the way we romanticize love relationships in our culture: Love makes the world go round; love conquers all; if you have love, you have everything.
But it isn’t so simple.
Is this really about being tired? Is something else going on? Can they talk things out and find a way to compromise? What if what she wants and he wants aren’t so different after all, and he could help her make more time and energy for the relationship?
Do You Drive Each Other Crazy?
“Are your values compatible?” I ask. “Family, money, politics?”
“Yes,” she answers. “That’s not an issue. But lately he’s driving me crazy. Little things. And I really don’t think it’s him. I’m pretty certain that it’s me.”
Who can’t relate to that? Don’t we drive each other crazy in every relationship? It’s impossible not to have quirks or habits that annoy the person you love, and when you’re tired or out of sorts, everything that bothers you is magnified.
… irritations are inevitable in relationships. It’s just not possible to find another human being whose every quirk, habit, and preference aligns perfectly with yours.
The little things may make us nuts, but the big things – in my experience – are what split us up. And sometimes, it’s because we blow them out of proportion and imbue them with meaning they may not have, as the same article points out:
… small problems coalesce into a vast, submerged force when they take on a different meaning in your mind—when you add them up as evidence of a character flaw or moral defect.
Dealing With Relationship Differences
And the issue of “it’s not you, it’s me” — in my friend’s case, is that real or a smokescreen for not facing other problems in the relationship?
I probe.
“What about the future?” I ask. “Do you want the same things?”
“He has his next 10 years all planned,” she says. “He’s secure in his job and he wants us to travel. Not on a big budget, but that’s really what he wants and I can’t even think about that. I’m still dealing with life day by day.”
“Isn’t that okay?” I ask. “Can’t you have different dreams, different priorities, and want different things?”
“I thought so,” she responds.
“Do you see yourself together five years from now?”
She pauses.
“When I think about my ex-husband, I know how bad it can get,” she says. “This is a good guy. I can’t see myself without him in my life.”
Wanting Different Things – Why Not?
With this conversation stuck in my head, I wonder about the idea that a couple needs to have the same goals, the same interests, or even be in the same place at the same time – emotionally.
An article I happened across on Baggage Reclaim points out that it’s OK to want different things. Yet we need to consider the nature of those differences and their overall importance in the relationship.
Values, issues of character, shared views of the world – these need to be compatible. But what about those other wants and expectations – like dreams for yourself, or even how you prefer to spend your free time?
You love parties, he loves staying home and reading. Or, she’s crazy for extreme sports, and he’s passionate about modern art.
Baggage Reclaim advises:
It’s one thing to co-exist in a mutual relationship and to look for ways to live your lives together and find solutions that you can both live with, but it’s another for it to be a seemingly mutual relationship and you’re willing to completely offload you to hang onto this person, which in itself stops it from being mutual.
We All Have Different Deal Breakers
I consider my current relationship. There are times we want different things, certainly in the short-term. But I haven’t given myself away in order to stay in the relationship. And I recognize that fundamentally, what we want in life and from each other, are very much the same, at least for now.
I consider my marriage in which I never felt like I was a priority. Nor were “we” a priority. I remember all the instances in which I set aside what I wanted to do, and my spouse didn’t do the same. I was losing myself, and I barely noticed.
If you want different things from a relationship – one wants marriage and children, the other doesn’t – you may find yourself at a non-negotiable impasse. If you want different things in bed – he wants a threesome, and you say no thanks – personally, I’d stick to my guns, but hey, that’s me. If he wants sex twice a day and you want it twice a month – you both may need to negotiate… and compromise, If you value the relationship.
If he wants to relocate to Oregon (and you live, happily, in Manhattan), you’d better discuss why he wants to go, why you don’t want to leave (or can’t), and come to an understanding or, in my opinion, move on.
Differences in Marriage? Different Consequences
The list of possible scenarios is a long one, of course. And if we’re talking about a marriage and emerging differences, or the disruption that may arise if a midlife crisis rears its unruly head, the consequences if we do not resolve our differences can be life-changing, and not just for ourselves.
In marriage and committed relationships, I like to think there are relatively few differences that are truly “irreconcilable,” but that’s a matter for each couple to determine. Nevertheless, especially when kids are involved, nothing is so straightforward as simply “letting go and moving on.”
I also like to think that my friend will talk honestly with her boyfriend, and together – better than ever – they’ll carry on.
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Our differences are what keeps it interesting. All relationships are negotiations, the good ones, anyway.
We hit a point when we weren’t getting our basic needs met for many reasons — illness, my thesis setbacks, job changes, a new baby. We weren’t able to enjoy being a couple because we couldn’t enjoy being our individual selves in all of that. We finally started reprioritizing time to do things to fill those needs at the bottom of the pyramid so that we could have bandwidth for each other too. It’s helped a lot, but not without a lot of communication about that process. Both parts are essential to the negotiation, I’d say.
It’s always a dance. Until it isn’t. Is that a Yogi Berra-ism. Well – it’s true. For me, I knew when the music had stopped.
A dance, yes. We are put through our paces at times, aren’t we.
For me, the fundamental differences are the dealbreakers. We began our marriage on the same page with religion, politics, sex, and morality. As all people do, we have each grown and changed over the 19 years of our marriage. The only problem is, we have grown in opposite directions from our original center. So now not only do the little everyday annoyances drive me crazy, but when they do, I have nothing shared to fall back on. It’s a lonely place to be.
Growing away from a shared center. I hear you, KT. Yes, it’s very lonely. Is there a way back, or better yet, a way forward in some parallel fashion?
Unfortunately he claims he hasn’t changed. I tried to make myself follow his beliefs until I lost myself- it wasn’t till about a year ago that I started rediscovering myself. Of course this has alienated me even more from him, but I actually feel better in a way, not trying to be someone I’m not. Still just very lonely, and he treats me worse than ever.
Don’t mean to get too personal, but – only if you care to say – is anything helping? Friendships, kids, family?
No problem, that’s why I used my initials. 😉 We are a military family and with our next move (in the spring) will have moved 10 times in 20 years. Our oldest has been diagnosed with psychological issues (depression), youngest has severe food allergies and has had a feeding tube for 10 years. I have had health problems of my own. His jobs have, naturally, been very stressful. I’ve seen couples break up over any one of these issues- and I’ve managed to hold everything together for this long. Because of the moving we really don’t have friends, my parents are out and his parents are squarely on his side. I have been to counseling for years, but he won’t go- I’m the one with the problem. His verbal attacks are getting harder to take, and now that the kids are older (15 and 11)…
Problems arise when your significant other tells you he wants the exact same things that you want, but then does his best not to make them happen. That’s when you realize that, regardless of what he says, you’re in two completely different moments of your lives. That’s when you stop thinking of an “us” and start thinking of yourself only. And that’s the best you can do, because you can’t wait forever, and you can’t always be the one who makes sacrifices.
I’m familiar with that situation, March. It’s good to raise this issue, and it’s very tricky when you find yourself there. Especially with children.
No easy answers.
Having major issues with my boyfriend right now. We both want and need different things. I want a career, house, marriage and kids… He wants to build a hut in the bush. We’ve been trying for the better part of a year to find ways to make us work but we’re out of ideas.. Needing advice…
Can we make it work or is it time to move on?
Hi H. Please know – I am not a psychologist or for that matter, a professional ‘advice giver.’ That said, may I ask a few questions?
How old are you? Him? How long have you been together? Are there other differences, for example, in your belief systems? In how you think of and handle money? Do you two really listen to each other when you have a disagreement?
Can you name 10 things you adore about him – as a person? Could he do the same?
I’m very curious how your relationship played out as I am having the similar issues with my “fiance” right now. He wants to buy land in a country that I do not want to live in and become a farmer. I have much bigger dreams and cannot see myself living outside of America. I’ve been feeling like there’s no point to our relationship because once he does what he so selfishly plans to do that’s when we will be taking our separate ways. I’m very stuck right now and feel very miserable and depressed. Im very curious to know how your relationship played out if you don’t mind sharing.
Those are such good questions for my situation, as well.
I just got dumped a few days ago by my boyfriend. I’m not quite sure why, but he said that he felt like he was using me, because “he was not able to give me what I wanted or deserved”. Since we’re not talking anymore, I’m still not sure what he meant by that, but I assume that it had to do with a conversation we had a few days before the breakup. I mentioned that someday in the far away future (I emphasised that I did not want it now or in the next few years), I would like to settle down by moving in together, because I get really annoyed when we have to schedule our “couple time” according to roommates that are annoyed when there’s a couple cuddling in their room/apartment.
We were together for two years and lived in dorms (separate rooms, both had roommates), so I was kinda tired of having roommates and thus not being able to get together as often as we wanted. It didn’t bother me that we were in separate apartments, but I just thought that if one day, we moved in together, it would have been more comfortable. I have never wanted kids or marriage, just to have a relationship with him… But my (now ex) boyfriend is afraid of commitment like that, he needs personal space (about 4-5 days a month to himself, which I could provide him with by visiting my parent’s home every weekend) and he is afraid of the uncomfortable moment when there’s a breakup and someone has to move out. So I guess I just made him feel like my lifelong dream is to move in together and since he isn’t ready for this (ever? can a 25-year old change his mind about this?), he felt like he’s using me. I really-really-really want him back, but I know it may not happen, since it seems like there’s no way that he believes that it’s just a matter of comfort for me…
M, I may say some things that sound trite, or may not be what you want to hear. However, they do reflect what I have learned in my own relationships over the years, and experiences of friends as well. And those friends are both men and women.
25 is very young. Many men and women are not ready for living with someone or marriage at that age. And of course, that doesn’t mean they will feel that way forever. We are ready for more permanent relationships at different times.
Let me also say that living with someone can cause friction in an otherwise good relationship. Personally, I need my space and alone time. The fact that your now ex-boyfriend needed some of that seems perfectly normal to me. That he wouldn’t feel ready to share a space with someone full-time also seems perfectly normal to me. And I think you should consider yourself lucky that he knows that and was clear with you about that. It is a lot more difficult to break up with someone you care about when you are either living together or married.
As for the break up let me also say that when we are dumped or when a relationship ends by mutual agreement, that doesn’t mean it isn’t very sad and very painful. I have been there, and certainly more than once. But you will feel better, and you will know more for the next relationship.
Meanwhile, keep the people who care about you close, and take the time you need to heal.
The right timing and the right man are surely in your future.
I wish you well.
I understood the need for personal space very well. I need it too, especially during studies (starting my MA this fall). Like I said, I could have provided him with alone-days every week by visiting my parents and he had said he was okay with spending the nights together every day… I never meant that we should move in right now, after a year or even after five years…just thought that it would be nice someday, in the far away future… I guess I should have just waited because I made him think that I need it now… I just feel really horrible because I keep thinking that if I had kept my mouth shut, we would still be okay.
That’s a chilling statement, ‘if I kept my mouth shut’ it would be ok. Speak up for yourself always. He might come back, if it’s true love. Men are afraid at many times for many reasons, has nothing to do with you.
Our differences that drive us nuts to fight on my part is that every day we clash with what we want. We are constantly at odds, never matching up, always opposite. It drives me nuts. Then we’ll switch and want the opposite again or the one time I do want something it’s the one time he doesn’t and vice versa. It’s a mess of constant relentless horrible timing and it’s torn our relationship apart, even though we love each other it’s too frustrating.