Growing apart? How many times do we use that catch-all phrase to explain the weakening of our relationships and possibly their demise?
Sure, we do grow apart as our lives get tangled up in the details of pursuing careers and raising families. So what about growing in different directions? Is that little more than a euphemism for growing apart? Is it possible to grow in different directions while keeping a relationship healthy and intact?
Growing in different directions together is something I can imagine easily, though I recognize the challenges involved.
I also contend that it doesn’t sound the death knell for the relationship, and growth is inevitable and necessary (for some of us) if we’re to lead interesting lives.
And after all, isn’t change the one constant?
Defining Personal and Professional Growth
Speaking in generalizations about growing apart isn’t helpful. Don’t we need to define our terms and look at a range of possible issues?
- What do you think of when you hear the word “growth?” Emotional growth, financial independence, pursuing your dreams?
- If we’re considering elements like becoming more confident, discovering what we’re good at, or leaving behind old fears, then isn’t that growth desirable – no matter what?
- Where does spiritual growth fit? What if one partner becomes disenchanted while the other becomes deeply involved?
- Are the issues of growing in different directions compounded when there is a significant age gap between partners?
- Do problems arise when one person outpaces the other in terms of accomplishments, money, goals, recognition?
- If two people change and grow, is that more easily dealt with than if one person soars while the other remains stagnant?
- What role might age play in this picture? As we feel time chasing us, are we more likely to take risks to grow in ways that may distance us from a spouse or partner?
Perhaps the crux of the matter is reconciling expectations and logistics. For example, the wife who was happy to be home-based now wishes to start a career that involves travel. She’s ready to fly; her spouse is (understandably) shaken by what is, for him, a dramatic (and possibly unwanted) change.
Toto, We Aren’t in Kansas Anymore
For millions of us, gone are the days of the traditional family that is comprised of Mom, Dad, two kids, and a dog… Dad picks up his briefcase, kisses Mom on the cheek, heads off to be the breadwinner and his happy wife stays home to tend to kids and cooking.
Gone are the days of a single career in which you put in your 40 years, take home your gold watch, then put up your feet as you finalize the plans for retirement.
In my marriage, both my (ex) husband and I were so independent that there was only a superficial amount of “us.” This was true from the beginning, and in hindsight, I see that the reasons are many. Once children entered the picture, the underlying separateness of our lives continued, exacerbated by two careers, and value systems that increasingly diverged. I wouldn’t say we grew in different directions, but rather that we were never sufficiently “together” all along.
I have learned a great deal not only from those years but from other relationships, both before and after. Friction may arise when one’s career “outpaces” the other, when two careers clash, or crystallizing self-knowledge becomes the impetus for growth that requires a shift in the relationship. One may see this shift as a plus, and the other as quite the opposite.
How to Grow in Different Directions Without Losing Each Other
So how do you allow for growing apart… together? How do you recognize that every adult may wish to pursue his or her dreams, that those dreams will evolve, and that more time away from each other may result? How do you pursue those dreams without sacrificing your emotional connection?
If changes in the dynamic mean more physical distance, what about the risk that your husband, wife, or significant other will fall for someone else? What about the possibility that he or she will commit a sexual or emotional indiscretion?
These communication and behavioral basics may seem like they’re a matter of common sense. Too often we forget them or shrug them off. Certainly, they can help.
- Checking in with each other
- Being clear in what you want
- Listening to what the other person wants
- Working through inevitable misunderstandings
- Compromising, but not the core
- Bending, but not breaking
- Supporting your partner
Of course, it’s one thing to check in with each other routinely – you’re flirtatiously texting from Houston in the evenings as you’re pursuing a new entrepreneurial venture, and he’s responding from Philadelphia, while working on his first book. Then again, even that can be a necessity to one and an irritation to the other, especially (in my experience) if one or both of you works from home.
And the other items on the list? They’re helpful, for sure. But they’re not a given.
Articulating what you genuinely want and need can be frightening and uncomfortable. Especially if you’re in the habit of not doing so, and you don’t want to rock the boat. Moreover, listening to how your new goals will affect the family may leave you with tough choices (and possibly guilt). This is where accepting that bumps are inevitable (and remaining committed to getting through them) must be joined by compromise, accommodation, and support. But only the two of you can decide what that means – the logistics required, the rewards for you both, and the potential risks.
Running Away vs. Running To
I’ve read many articles in which women, having raised their children, express “it’s finally time for me.” Sometimes, this involves leaving a marriage. Other times, it may mean taking a lover, and then leaving a marriage. More often, at least among those women I know personally, it’s likely to mean pursuing education or career.
Consequently, they’re spending less time at home and less time with a spouse, if they have one. They aren’t running away; they’re running “to.” Having absorbed this bit of wisdom years ago – it’s better to run toward than to run away – I recognize that counsel for what it is: simplistic and judgmental.
There are times that running away is precisely what we need in order to protect ourselves, protect our children, or avoid utterly pointless conflict and toxic relationships of many types. This does not automatically mean dismissing responsibility.
On the other hand, running toward a destination, an objective, or an imagined set of possibilities is framed in a positive fashion. Running “to” presupposes the advantages of focus, optimism, and a socially sanctioned separation from people, places, and activities that we have tried and didn’t work, or that we’ve simply outgrown.
Help! I’ve Outgrown My Partner
We may marry at 20 or 30 or 40, or pair up without the official trappings of a committed union. Regardless, there is no predicting the changes we will undertake, much less whatever life will impose upon us.
Those wise words about communication, compromise, and support?
They may not be enough.
Sometimes, we genuinely outgrow our partners. We’re certain that what we each want from life is dramatically different. The way we lead our lives is wholly conflicting. Worse, one’s behavior may be harmful to the other’s. We hope to keep collateral damage to a minimum, but the bottom line is: it makes no sense to stay.
In the past, I may have wished to pursue my own ambitions, but I wasn’t in a position to put myself first and nor was I in the habit of doing so. Naturally, making yourself a priority is tougher when you’re the primary parent, and generally easier when you’ve arrived at Empty Nest.
Whatever the words we choose – growing in different directions or growing apart – the most important aspect is growth, if it’s something you value, and I certainly do. Let’s not abandon careful consideration of the risks and rewards of embarking on any sort of change, not to mention the impacts of our choices on others. But a relationship that is solid enough, “big” enough, and supple enough to support two individuals through change?
I readily admit: I’m a believer.
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When I look back on who my husband and I were 26 years ago, I see the seeds of who we grew into being. Both of us have grown in so many ways together – our evolving relationship, family, creating a home together and learning to play an instrument and ultimately being in a community orchestra together – as well as in separate ways, particularly career wise. We have constantly supported each other’s dreams and celebrated each other’s successes. I don’t see us changing and growing apart. I do see us growing, but on parallel paths, dipping in towards each other at frequent intervals.
Fortunately we have never had career or financial competition, even though one of makes less money because she works part time. But I do know of single individuals who would not think of having a relationship with someone who made significantly less money that they. I know a multimillionaire who would only marry another multimillionaire, and did. And I know of couples who do feel career inequality. I remember meeting a couple and when I was introduced to the husband almost immediately his words were ” I have a PhD but SHE has 2.” Superficially he had a chip on his shoulder. Now, 12 years later, SHE has been lured away to another prestigious university in another country. And that university has created a job for her one PhD spouse so that he will have work to do there too. I cannot imagine how demeaning that must feel for him, in light of his mindset.
Growing on parallel paths. What a wonderful way to express it, Lunaboogie.
26 years ago, could you have imagined the ways you would evolve (together)?
Competitiveness is a whole other tricky can of women’s, isn’t it?
I am often amazed by the wisdom and insight that divorced women have into what it takes to make a good marriage – and it’s no different with this one. As a divorced woman myself, I know that the “failure” of your marriage forces you to take a good hard look at marriage – and what works and what, ultimately, doesn’t. You seem to have come to similar conclusions. People cannot grow in opposite directions and expect to stay together. Similarly, one of the partners can’t grow exponentially, leaving her (or his) spouse behind and expecting the marriage to survive. Sometimes it means that sacrifices have to be made – but if you have the “right” partner, the sacrifices always lead to more growth.
Thank you for your thoughtful comment, Liv. Perhaps one of the reasons some divorced women learn so much is in part the time and effort we spend working to rebuild a marriage – whether or not we succeed. And obviously, it takes two to want to reconstruct, or construct differently, and even then, there are no guarantees.
If we’re lucky, we can celebrate each others’ growth, and still make the relationship a priority. Certainly not a given, is it.
I guess my spouse’s and my relationship must be strong and supple, because it has lasted, with each of us growing, for 39 years and is flourishing. Although we are both attorneys, competition has never been an issue. The internal and external challenges we have faced have taught us how to work together against daunting obstacles. At this point, even though one of us remains extroverted and gregarious and thrives in the buzz/chaos of the outer world, while the other has become more introverted, enjoying solitude and calm, somehow, step by step, we are finding mutually-acceptable way/s to live together with those key differences. I think that I just got really lucky and married a very good person.
Leslie, It’s so helpful to have models like you and your husband, so we know that it is possible for individuals and the relationship to flourish. I’m so glad you stopped by to read and comment. Thank you.
My husband (26) and myself (30) just got married 6 months ago. I’ve always had this longing for a travelling life (buy an RV and travel, walk an unbeaten path), I never really listened to my true wants until now and my husband has plans of having his own business and traveling a few times a year and is comfortable with the 9-5 lifestyle. I know deep down that I don’t want a mundane lifestyle but he’s a wonderful man and treats me well, I’ve been having the feelings of being held back. HELP ME!
What is your question? I would be happy to reply, if you are asking for advice.
Laura,
Six months is not a long period of time to make the sort of adjustments involved in marriage. That said, a few questions and thoughts come to mind.
Had you discussed lifestyle preferences prior to getting married? Is your husband’s 9-to-5 preference a surprise, or something your husband had indicated he liked? Do you understand the underlying reasons why this lifestyle, at least at this point in time, is his preference or part of a longer range plan for him and your future family?
Have you broached your differences in calm discussion? Can you talk and listen in constructive ways? Does your job offer so much more mobility / flexibility? Are you looking to do your traveling now because you foresee settling down with children into or three or four years?
I would also suggest that 26 is very young. There is no telling how he will feel four or five years from now. If the two of you have a solid foundation of friendship, respect, and love, isn’t that a good place to start when it comes to more thoroughly airing your differing preferences? Isn’t compromise possible?