Women, women, women. Or more specifically, mothers.
I took a long, slow breath as I saw this headline in The New York Times: “Number of Mothers in U.S. Who Stay at Home Rises.” Or should I say a deep cleansing breath, before yet another painful push?
Regarding the recent Pew Research report on stay at home moms, I can’t say that I’m surprised about the trend. But I am also weary of this entire discussion, or rather, the sense of déjà vu.
How many years do we cover the same ground when it comes to the collision of American work life and our cultural values?
And yet I note key summary data as follows, and other data (below) that cannot be ignored.
The article reports:
… 29 percent of mothers with children younger than 18 — about 10.4 million women — stayed at home in 2012, compared with the historic low of 23 percent in 1999.
Books, Bucks and Motherhood
However, certainly concerning, Pew Research reminds us:
… a third of stay-at-home mothers live in poverty, while 12 percent of working mothers live in poverty… less educated women were more likely to be stay-at-home mothers; 51 percent of mothers who had not completed high school did not work outside the home, while 21 percent of mothers who are college graduates stayed at home with their children.
Can you spell m-o-n-e-y? Care for fun with phonics when sounding out e-d-u-c-a-t-i-o-n?
More educated women work outside the home – hardly a scoop. Why?
Because of the investment in their education and training? As contingency planning? For their sanity? For economic necessity as two incomes are required for most of us now? Because it takes some measure of education to get and keep paying work above poverty level?
When will we fully acknowledge the larger issues at work in the world of paying work? And the trade-offs that women make when choosing between forking over green for childcare and bringing in the bacon? Let’s not forget that women still earn less than men on average. (Shall we consult one of the more recent articles on this topic, courtesy of the NY Daily News, telling us women in Manhattan earn 82 cents for each male dollar?)
The Flexible Family
Personally, I believe in at least one parent being as available as possible to guide our kids through childhood. Some of us are more suited to this than others, and I don’t think men are any less capable than women, or for that matter, a grandparent or other close relative.
I also know I would’ve gone crazy if I hadn’t worked outside the home (or even inside the home, but in a professional, paying role). Ideally, this would have been part-time, at least for a number of years. But “ideally” doesn’t come around for most of us.
Recently, I read Kristen Levithan’s musing on work-family issues, specifically, “On Flexibility,” at her blog, Motherese. She explores the regrets for both working mothers and stay-at-home mothers, the conflicts they feel, and notes that the happiest seem to have found “flexibility.” Those who stay home may dream of working, and those who work for pay may long for more time at home. Hybrid scenarios with a foot in each world are not easily forged, but they do exist. And we view them as a privilege.
Giving a nod to the reality that staying home by choice is not a financial option for everyone, Kristen’s views are nonetheless timely, especially given the recent Pew Report. And I think back through my own variations on a theme – returning to regular employment just a few weeks after the birth of each of my sons, attempts at “flexibility” that failed, one successful term of employment working from a home office and juggling, and then the independent worker life – following a contentious divorce.
As I didn’t marry until later, and financial independence was always a critical personal goal, I did my “leaning in” during my 20s and early 30s. By my mid-thirties, I was having babies. I leaned in again in my early 40s though small children and a traveling husband made the conflicts wrenching. I leaned out of necessity, and even more so in the solo mom role. I couldn’t have imagined the impacts to my career that would follow divorce, which doesn’t mean I didn’t work – constantly. But my children were my primary job, and all other gigs, however interesting (or tedious) were to pay the bills.
SAHM Stereotype, SAHM Stigma
As for the stay-at-home mom of our imagination, doesn’t she still suffer from both stereotype and stigma?
I dare say that our images of mid-century domestic bliss are skewed, as any parent who has put in a few years at chauffeuring and homework-helping and dealing with ongoing minor medical crises knows.
Unless you have household assistance (of some kind), and depending on your circumstances, parenting is a full-time job (and then some). It is tough tough tough, with challenges at each stage, and even teenagers require adult guidance.
Are there lulls, and lovely times?
Naturally. But few would deny the labor, both emotional and physical, involved in raising children. And let’s not forget the terrible pressures American mothers (especially) put on their own performance in this arena.
When it comes to our choices about staying home, working from home, working part-time, working full-time, working multiple jobs full-time – we may be leaning in, toppling, falling, getting back up, simply showing up… or successfully sharing responsibilities of paid work and family with a partner or family member. And pleased with the way things are going.
That said, we, as Americans, need to come to clarity in terms of our own cultural contradictions.
No Easy Answers
We need to recognize the complexity of these issues – that employment environments are not family-friendly as a general rule, despite the way we tout the importance of family. Lip service is one thing; actions are something else, a topic that management professor Scott Behson addresses in terms of fathers, work, and family at his blog of that name.
While we may begin to articulate the structural changes required in our employment environments, as does Professor Behson, we shouldn’t forget the millions of independent workers who can’t avail themselves of any flexibility that an employer might provide, as they do not have an employment affiliation with an employer per se. And this is only one small piece of the tangle we need to address when we talk about the American workforce in our (usual) sweeping terms.
One last note on best laid plans. Even if one strives for independence from an early age (as I did; as many of us do), even if we explicitly make career choices that lend themselves to flexibility, we are not exempted from life’s unpredictable events. These events throw a wrench into our neatly scheduled but often brutally busy lives. Illness, accident, family troubles, special needs for a child or elder parent, layoff, divorce, a struggling economy… these are just a few of the happenings that can turn our balanced best efforts upside down.
These events are beyond our control. And the moms rising afterward – whatever their work-family configurations – don’t have an easy climb back up.
You May Also Enjoy
Hi DA- Great piece. This issue is far more complex than how it is commonly reported and I appreciate your nuanced take.
I think your last point- that even if we plan and work in order to attain some level of flexibility, outside factors can and do intervene, rendering many of our best-laid plans irrelevant. This is why I support a stronger safety net for health and family purposes- it keeps more possibilities on the table for more people.
A stronger safety net. Absolutely, Scott. Because none of us is immune to these life events. Thanks for reading and commenting.
I was one of those moms lucky enough to have a half time jobs so I could have my foot in both worlds. My husband would have loved to have done the same, but due to career choice could not make that happen. He did use a vacation day every month solely for a father/daughter day. My mom picked up the slack and looked after her on the days we both worked. Rarely did we have to resort to paid childcare. And I know how lucky I am.
What was interesting is that I encountered few parents able to pull this off. And I found myself in both groups. The stay at home moms were entrenched in their stay at-home-ness, and the full time working moms showed disdain. They worked full time, why couldn’t I? I tell you that I have been asked far more often than the full timers to work extra, on weekends, overtime. They figured I could do it because I had so much free time on my hands. During my last job interview, I had to be very careful to not bring my family into the picture as a reason for looking for part time work. I knew the boss. I knew she worked full time. I knew she had 3 children, all younger than my only.
I feel very blessed that is was not an all or nothing choice for me.
I am here with you taking those 2 long breaths. I don’t have anything insightful to add and won’t be as eloquent as you are anyway, I just want to share how puzzled I am by the irony that, despite the stereotypes about Chinese placing so much weight on family/children and about Chinese women being all docile etc etc, none of my friends in Taipei (and in Beijing and Shanghai also) stay at home. The main enabler imo is the ready availability of low-cost, and sometimes free, childcare in the form of relatives or ladies in the neighborhood. It really does take a village. Unfortunately in the US that village costs top dollars.
Thanks for joining in on this one, A of A. One of the big issues when my kids were babies and toddlers was the worry about their care when I was at work, and of course, the cost. So many mothers look at that trade-off, and even if they want to work outside the home, their wages are gobbled up by childcare, and not necessarily without complications. And the opportunity gap expands…
I am curious about something. What about PT work for your friends in Taipei, Beijing, Shanghai? Are those options available?
We were raised to think we could have it all, and what age has taught me is that’s a myth. Something always has to give. I would hope it wouldn’t be the children, but it often is. I applaud women (and men) who find workarounds so they can be fulfilled, but, frankly, it’s always best to be adaptable because, as you point out, life happens. 😉
Amen! One thing that being a working parent has taught me is that my best laid plans almost never come to be. I plan and plan and those plans fall apart. It’s humbling – and directly at odds with the “women can have it all” message.
I was a mom who stayed home. “Did not work” we all know is misleading; a mom = 24/365. His dad and I did without a lot of $ because we believe(d) “why have a kid if you let strangers do the parenting?” I didn’t want anyone else to change his diaper, see his first, second, third smile, comfort his fears, experience the joys of crawling, walking, talking.
Oh well, this was before the distractions of social media and further detachment from doing the job of being a good parent.
“Did not work” is indeed misleading, Enchanted Seashells. One of the reasons I prefer the differentiation of “work for pay,” as any full-time parent knows the enormity of the work involved.
I understand your point about “why have a kid if you don’t want to raise him/her,” though none of us realizes what raising a child involves until we’re in it, and financial necessity aside, 24/7 parenting is more grueling for some of us than others. As I’ve said before, my ideal scenario would have been to continue my career(s) part-time, and the father of my children to have accommodated the needs of being a father by making a few concessions as well. Too many of us don’t have the options we might like.
Great post, D. I especially appreciate your reminder that “choice” is only relevant to a very few – and, even for them, is often made moot by circumstances beyond one’s control. As a hands-on work-at-home mom with a hands-on work-at-home partner with nearby extended family willing and able to help out from time to time, I know that my situation is both fortunate and rare and I’m ready for a movement that supports the choice to be a parent by making the path of parenting easier. Too often I hear and read variations on the theme: “It was your choice to have a child. Suck it up and make it work.” Is it too much to ask that a society helps support its own legacy? (Not so sure I want to hear the answer to that question.)
I agree with Absence that our social village is virtually nonexistent in our culture, though many of us are working to create a cooperative relationship with other parents when we have no family nearby.
I also agree with Kristen and Scott that it just seems something is missing culturally when we expect mothers specifically to raise their children and contribute and not shift their focus (re: Seashells implication that social media creates bad parents)…the expectations loom large for a large group of people for whom society doesn’t seem to want to support. Whether working full time out of the home, part time out of the home, full time as a parent, or some combination, we are all constrained by simple biological, temporal, and physical realities that mean we can’t do everything possible for our children, ourselves, our partners, our employers, and our communities. There are myriad factors pulling on us, and not many ways to find relief, let alone balance.