• Home
  • About
  • Around
  • Contributors
  • Applause

Daily Plate of Crazy

  • Relationships
    • Dating
    • Love
    • Marriage
    • Divorce
    • Life After Divorce
  • Parenting
    • Advice
    • Babies and Kids
    • Tweens and Teens
    • College Kids
    • Single Moms
    • Older Moms
    • Dads
    • Family Dynamics
    • Money Matters
    • Work-Life
  • Health
  • Sex
  • Women’s Issues
  • Fashion & Style
    • Chaussures
    • Fashion
    • Style
    • Lingerie
    • Interiors
  • Culture
  • More
    • Art Art Art
    • Business
    • En Français
    • Entertainment
      • Mad Men
      • Mad Men Reviews
      • Real Housewives
      • Movies
      • Celebrities
      • Work of Art Reviews
    • Flash
    • Food & Recipes
    • Lifestyle
    • Morning Musing
    • Starting Over
    • Technology
    • Travel
    • Women and Money
You are here: Home / Parenting / Talking to Kids About Sex

Talking to Kids About Sex

April 4, 2014 by D. A. Wolf 5 Comments

We went round and round, as we often do, drawing from our own experiences of what we did right – and not so right – as parents.

Preteens 2We were talking about kids, their sexual education, what they see online, what is or isn’t “pornography.”

He compared interpretations based on his upbringing with one foot in Europe and the other in the States; I did likewise, though my French experience came in my teenage years, layered over a contradictory foundation of New England liberalism cum conservatism – particularly regarding sex.

Yet as a mother, when my children asked questions, I did my best to answer – at each stage, tailored to each of my sons.

As is the case for many of us on this score, I wanted to do better than my parents. When I was a child, I learned about sex from my friends, and thought none of it made any sense. Then again, I was a fairly nerdy kid; I didn’t see my first X-rated film until college, and I remember it distinctly – going with girlfriends, unable to stomach remaining in the theater, leaving with an “oooo gross” and at the time, having no comprehension of what anyone, male or female, might see as pleasant in what we had just witnessed.

How to Protect Kids from Pornography

As for how and when to talk to kids about sex, how to manage the “oooo gross” that arrives on scene courtesy of the Internet, how to protect our children from pornography not to mention what we define as such, my gregarious companion and I landed squarely in a somewhat ambiguous but similar X Marks the Spot.

Although we covered the theoretical protections online that are reasonable (or feasible) for kids, the only weapons to effectively combat misconceptions about sex bring us back to parents and education. As for the misconceptions (and attitudes we would like to reinforce), these include associations of sex and violence, matters of sex and responsibility, sexual roles, sex as pleasurable, sex as reciprocal, and also, body image as we inevitably compare ourselves to what we see in all our media.

If you’re wondering what prompted this mini-debate, it was a Times column on trying to stem the tide of pornography access to children and adolescents. In “Does Porn Hurt Children,” David Segal references UK moves to restrict sexually explicit sites via the Internet Service Provider, requiring online users to “opt in” rather than filtering out what they consider inappropriate viewing.

Are We Worried About Porn or Sex?

I have mixed feelings on the Big Brother aspects involved in any prohibitions regarding adult viewing habits. Consenting adults, in my opinion, should be left to enjoy what suits them – as long as no one is hurt, in particular, children.

Teen girls sending textsAnd as for children, I prefer that any filters to sexual material remain in the hands of parents – not that I’m convinced they actually work.

For very young children? Sure. But we hand out iPads in elementary schools now. Do we really think they aren’t being used when off-site? Shouldn’t we assume the older sibling will find a way to stream (and show) whatever he or she pleases?

Naturally, I think porn and kids don’t mix. Who wouldn’t? And as the article suggests, the gray area comes in as our children approach adolescence, especially now that they’re interconnected through social media and texting, and all too oblivious to the impacts of sending images back and forth.

Certainly, if we can delay exposure to sexual visuals until adolescents are more developmentally ready, yet another area of ambiguity and argument, we can potentially lay the groundwork for treating each other respectfully. We may also have a better shot at clarifying sex versus lovemaking, and the emotional aspects of our sexual lives.

But I have questions: Are we concerned about porn or concerned about sex? And shouldn’t we, the parents, be talking to our kids about both – and more?

Going Dutch

I note that we don’t seem to be able to establish much more than what common sense might dictate.

… suggesting that teenagers and pornography are a hazardous mix is far from definitive. In fact, many of the most comprehensive reports on this subject come to conclusions that amount to “we can’t say for sure”…

However,

… Among the most prolific and revered researchers to examine teenagers and pornography is a duo in the Netherlands, Jochen Peter and Patti M. Valkenburg…

They found… “when teens watch more porn they tend to be more dissatisfied with their sexual lives. This effect is not really a strong effect, though. And teens with more sexual experience didn’t show this effect at all.”

There are other remarks relative to casual sex and lack of causality, which you may find of interest in the article.

Ambiguities and Caveats

13 year old boyCiting caveats to the Dutch findings, especially if we try to extrapolate beyond the Netherlands, we are instructed to note cultural differences. In the Netherlands, parents do not hide their heads in the sand when it comes to teenage sex. Rather, they focus on the need for it to be safe – emotionally and physically.

We know full well that we take a different approach in the US. We are more likely to forbid, to shame, to condemn – none of which alters the questions our children will have or the very natural curiosity about their changing bodies.

As for pornography, however you may define it, I think we’d all agree that we want to protect our kids from what is harmful. And we don’t want the “oooo gross” factor (and worse) anywhere near our 6-year-olds, our 8-year-olds, our 10-year-olds. Sounding (surprisingly?) old school, I will say that it’s troublesome enough at 13. Then again, I doubt we would agree on what is “gross” versus what is natural, or the particulars of introducing the subject, preferably from an early age in “appropriate” ways.

Talking to Kids About Sex

So what assumptions do we make about sexually explicit material that will be viewed elsewhere, if not in our homes? What assumptions do we make about kids and sex? What do we hope for their experience, as influenced by our value systems?

The article offers this, with which I agree:

… At a minimum, researchers believe a parent-teenager conversation about sexuality and pornography is a good idea…

At a minimum, indeed, and surely not a single conversation under the guise of the birds and the bees. This leads us back to the parental conundrum that my friend and I were discussing and our responsibility to determine what to say, when to say it, and how to counterbalance what our children will eventually see on the web.

And if you say they won’t – I’ll say you’re naive. It’s a matter of when, not if.

 

You May Also Enjoy

  • Teenage Sex at Home?
  • When “No” Should Go
  • Sex vs. Lovemaking: Why Are We So Confused?

 

FacebooktwitterpinterestlinkedinmailFacebooktwitterpinterestlinkedinmail

Filed Under: Parenting, Sex, Tweens and Teens Tagged With: kids and sex, New York Times, Parenting, parenting teens, Sex, teaching kids life skills

Comments

  1. William Belle says

    April 4, 2014 at 4:58 pm

    I find it difficult to write a comment here as I think the topic warrants a five thousand word essay. I note the contradiction in society where we collectively express our concern if not outrage over the availability of pornography but do not support sex education in schools or have open and honest talks with our children. (We’re embarrassed.) In other words, we leave our children to fend for themselves then turn around and blame porn and our children’s efforts to educate themselves.

    I also note that our puritanical society is more afraid of sex than violence. If on TV person A murders person B, we have no qualms about letting our children watch. However, if person A makes love with person B, my God, we’re all going to hell in a handcart. Make war not love. Geesh, how perverted is that?

    A TV network censored a sequence of John Steinbeck’s The Red Pony, which showed a mare giving birth, but broadcast the rather hideous sequence from The Godfather showing a beheaded horse.
    –Youth, Sex and the Media, CyberCollege

    “Teenagers become dissatisfied with sex” The sky is falling? A lot of adults are dissatisfied with sex. (How many are dissatisfied with life?) Watch a movie and get the idea everybody else is having more fun. Inexperienced teenagers having sex with other inexperienced teenagers: now there’s recipe for disaster/dissatisfaction.

    Okay, that’s two hundred words. I’ll shut up now.

    All the best to you in your world.

    Reply
    • D. A. Wolf says

      April 4, 2014 at 5:26 pm

      Five thousand words? Try a 5-book series, at least.

      My own coverage of the topic is superficial at best. And I agree that the contradictions in our cultural (lack of) reasoning are glaring.

      Reply
  2. Marsha @ Splenderosa says

    April 5, 2014 at 11:48 am

    People will never learn. My housekeeper has 4 children, all teen or thereabout. One girl. The 16 year old darling girl is now pregnant & says she will keep the child. Her mother told me “I didn’t talk to her because I thought the school would.” I thought, “well her life is ruined.” She had plans to become an RN and those dreams are now over.

    Reply
  3. Cuckoo Momma says

    April 7, 2014 at 5:41 pm

    I have an almost 15 year old son and I think about this almost daily. He stays in his room on his laptop for hours (but to be fair, he also hangs with me for hours sometimes) and porn is there for all the world to see. But it is also available on his ipod and phone. I try to talk to him but more often it turns into a joke, it seems to be all the two of us can handle when talking about sex. For instance, when I walk upstairs and he is on his laptop in his room, I yell, “what are you watching, porn?” He says, “Nooo Mom!” Then I say, “Good, because that isn’t what real sex is like. If you try that with a girl she is going to have you arrested.” He says, “Oh. Okay. I don’t want to talk about it.”

    Just last night (he was with his dad) he sent me a text and asked if I watched the premiere of Game of Thrones. I texted back, “I did! You must have loved it, it was full of boobs.” He said “Not as much as some times” and I said, “Just remember, boobs are boobs, half of the world has them.” He texted back, “Now I’m watching River Monsters, but okay.”

    I’m just using all of the tricks I have to tell him that real sex isn’t like porn and to make it light enough that maybe he will hear me without being horrified.
    With my daughter, age 12, I try to talk more seriously when I am talking to her about her body changes, but she gets so embarrassed, it’s hard!

    I agree with WQB, that people think nothing about showing violence on TV, heads blown off, etc, but nudity is still taboo. FYI, I am not embarrassed to talk about sex, I have to talk frankly with people about private matters daily, but the kids would rather DIE than discuss it with me, so I try to stay on their level with it and hope something sinks in.

    Reply
  4. paul says

    April 19, 2014 at 7:20 pm

    Sex ed…. No time for the book writing here. Get a book (books for different ages) to help you along with it. Make it natural — let them know that parents do it (that’s how they were started). Distinguish sex from violence and what the media exhibits. Our culture is sick on the topic of sex. Actually, our culture/government is sick in many ways (don’t get me started or I’ll talk about yesterday’s Good Friday CD arrest again, or April 15 redirection of war taxes). I probably said more about sex than my kids were willing to talk about when they were young. I remember when I spoke about a girl friend I had, and one of my children asked if I paid her 🙂 If they were a bit embarrassed, I just plowed ahead. I am grateful that they all appear to be happily leading their own lives and have a great time at our family get-togethers.

    Reply

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

 

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Follow Us

FacebooktwitterrssinstagramFacebooktwitterrssinstagram

Search Daily Plate of Crazy

Subscribe for Your Daily Serving

Enter your email address:

Delivered by FeedBurner

Categories

Archives

Recent Comments

  • Anonymous on Does Effort Matter If You Don’t Get Results?
  • D. A. Wolf on Mantras
  • D. A. Wolf on Over 50, Unemployed, Depressed and Powerless
  • Marty on When You Marry a Loner
  • Tina on Would You Brag About Your Age?
  • Sal on Over 50, Unemployed, Depressed and Powerless
  • Open More Doors If You Want More Skills - 3 Plus International on Open More Doors If You Want More Skills
  • Leonora C on Over 50, Unemployed, Depressed and Powerless
  • Maree on Mantras
  • kate on DON’T Call Me Dear!
  • Stephanie on Narcissism. Manipulation. Keeping Score.
  • S on When a Couple Wants Different Things

The Makeover Series

Daily Plate of Crazy: The Makeover Series

Essays From Guest Writers

Daily Plate of Crazy: Essay Series

Daily Reads

Daily Plate of Crazy Blogroll

Follow

Follow

Notices

All content on this site, DailyPlateOfCrazy.com, is copyrighted by D. A. Wolf unless copyright is otherwise attributed to guest writers. Do not use, borrow, repost or create derivative works without permission.

© D. A. Wolf 2009-2025. All Rights Reserved.

Parlez-vous francais?

Daily Plate of Crazy: En Français

© D. A. Wolf 2009-2025
All Rights Reserved

Daily Plate of Crazy ™

Privacy Notice

Popular This Month

  • 50 Years old and Starting Over
  • Best Places to Live When You're Over 50 and Reinventing
  • When the Person You Love Is Emotionally Unavailable
  • When a Couple Wants Different Things
  • How to Comfort Someone Who Is Stressed

Food for Thought

  • Why I Choose to Think Like a Man
  • When You Marry a Loner
  • Emotionally Needy Parents
  • Sex vs. Lovemaking: Why Are We So Confused?
  • Think Looks Don't Pay?
  • Rebranding Mediocrity: Why Good Enough Isn't Good Enough

Copyright © 2025 · Metro Pro Theme on Genesis Framework · WordPress · Log in

This site uses cookies for the best browsing experience. By continuing to use this site, you accept our Cookie Policy.
Cookie SettingsACCEPT
Manage consent

Privacy Overview

This website uses cookies to improve your experience while you navigate through the website. Out of these, the cookies that are categorized as necessary are stored on your browser as they are essential for the working of basic functionalities of the website. We also use third-party cookies that help us analyze and understand how you use this website. These cookies will be stored in your browser only with your consent. You also have the option to opt-out of these cookies. But opting out of some of these cookies may affect your browsing experience.
Necessary
Always Enabled
Necessary cookies are absolutely essential for the website to function properly. These cookies ensure basic functionalities and security features of the website, anonymously.
CookieDurationDescription
cookielawinfo-checkbox-analytics11 monthsThis cookie is set by GDPR Cookie Consent plugin. The cookie is used to store the user consent for the cookies in the category "Analytics".
cookielawinfo-checkbox-functional11 monthsThe cookie is set by GDPR cookie consent to record the user consent for the cookies in the category "Functional".
cookielawinfo-checkbox-necessary11 monthsThis cookie is set by GDPR Cookie Consent plugin. The cookies is used to store the user consent for the cookies in the category "Necessary".
cookielawinfo-checkbox-others11 monthsThis cookie is set by GDPR Cookie Consent plugin. The cookie is used to store the user consent for the cookies in the category "Other.
cookielawinfo-checkbox-performance11 monthsThis cookie is set by GDPR Cookie Consent plugin. The cookie is used to store the user consent for the cookies in the category "Performance".
viewed_cookie_policy11 monthsThe cookie is set by the GDPR Cookie Consent plugin and is used to store whether or not user has consented to the use of cookies. It does not store any personal data.
Functional
Functional cookies help to perform certain functionalities like sharing the content of the website on social media platforms, collect feedbacks, and other third-party features.
Performance
Performance cookies are used to understand and analyze the key performance indexes of the website which helps in delivering a better user experience for the visitors.
Analytics
Analytical cookies are used to understand how visitors interact with the website. These cookies help provide information on metrics the number of visitors, bounce rate, traffic source, etc.
Advertisement
Advertisement cookies are used to provide visitors with relevant ads and marketing campaigns. These cookies track visitors across websites and collect information to provide customized ads.
Others
Other uncategorized cookies are those that are being analyzed and have not been classified into a category as yet.
SAVE & ACCEPT