When the person you love is distant and it’s unusual, you may be able to wait it out, pick the right moment, and address whatever is bothering him or her.
Perhaps this is your child, your parent, your sibling, or even your best friend. More than likely, it is the person with whom you currently make your life, the one you love with your once most romantic and vulnerable heart.
When the person you wish to feel such closeness to seems withdrawn as the result of a gradual process, perhaps you are only beginning to see what is taking place.
When the withdrawal of affection and sharing is sudden, it becomes harder to deny that something is amiss.
A Growing Gap?
You may notice the distance in your relationship in due course – in comparison to other couples or in light of some new awareness about yourself. Time may be playing its dirty tricks on the two of you, you may suspect some element of midlife crisis; careful observation, tender probing and intentional rekindling may be required.
But when your partner’s behavior changes quickly, your warning lights go on that something important has occurred – a new worry, a serious problem, perhaps an attraction or involvement with someone else.
However you come to understand it, emotional distance is an obstacle to your relationship. You may be in a quandary as to how to approach it – what is causing it, what is exacerbating it, how to “fix” it – if indeed that is possible.
I sometimes wonder if I seem emotionally unavailable to those who care for me, or do at certain times. If so, it is unintentional. I suspect it is a habit picked up as a means to protect myself from hurt. Or, it may be the consequence of an overriding fatigue – it is hard to be fully present and supportive of another person, no matter how deeply you feel, when you are worn down to the nub.
Emotionally Available? Purposeful Distance
I know when I have been emotionally unavailable by design, choosing to care to a certain level and no more, and comprehending that someone may bear feelings that I cannot fully return. Consequently, I hold something back. This, of course, is the situation that many of us have encountered when the person with whom we’re in a relationship has stronger sentiments of love or commitment that we cannot reciprocate.
It can happen in marriage. It can happen in friendship. Sadly, too many of us have seen it happen between parent and child.
Naturally, we are less capable of emotional intimacy when we are still young, cutting our teeth on what it means to love and be loved. We may also keep ourselves at some remove when our focus is elsewhere – on career, on school, on a health issue – which doesn’t preclude emotional intimacy in the future.
We may be emotionally unavailable when we are spent – in the aftermath of grief, for example. In the months and years following my father’s sudden death, I was incapable of navigating the landscape of profound emotions. I could love to a point, care to a point; a sort of numbness kept me at a distance from more than that, and I sometimes think of this when I recall the beginnings of the relationship that eventually became my marriage.
My marriage with an emotionally distant husband.
Was he always so distant? Had I allowed myself to be chosen by him because of it, in the wake of so much sorrow, which left our more superficial interaction all the more appealing in its lightness?
Gregarious, Funny, Charming… Still Distant
Don’t be fooled by personality type. The charmer, the entertainer, the seemingly engaging personality that makes you laugh and is typically communicative does not necessarily indicate an individual capable of emotional intimacy.
Haven’t some of us known the boss, the parent, the lover who was engaging and gregarious, but who hid his or her emotions behind layers and walls? At times, isn’t humor the ideal deflection? Can’t charm or intellectual argument become equally diverting, serving to confuse what we see, and what is really going on?
We read a great deal about narcissism these days. Isn’t the narcissist frequently charismatic in many ways, the sexy and desirable lover, but out of touch with the awareness and empathy required for true connection?
Likewise, the apparent loner is not de facto emotionally unavailable. I admit to loner tendencies myself; I often keep my own counsel, and I enjoy a certain solitude. Still, I believe it’s important to make the distinction between appreciation of time alone versus a dislike, distrust, or discomfort in the company of others.
When You Love Someone Who is Emotionally Distant
During our courtship and the first two years of marriage, I would never have noted that my spouse was emotionally distant, though I suspect we both were. That doesn’t mean we didn’t love, but the separateness from a world of feelings was clearly maintained.
In hindsight, I see that only when I had children did my heart begin to flower fully again, with the sort of tenderness and ferocity that we are wakened to by romantic love if we allow, and by parental love, almost as a force beyond our capacity to deny.
What I once saw in the man I married as self-sufficiency and a need for privacy, a respectful distance that enabled me my own, struck me differently over time. I began to perceive a disconnect that was hurtful to us as a couple, and painful to me as a wife: I frequently didn’t know what was truly on his mind, what motivated him, what touched him.
I was navigating in the dark, worsened by our less than skilled interpersonal communication.
But let us be clear, a poor communicator can be emotionally available, and an excellent communicator can be emotionally unavailable. There is no either-or; there is no single state or reason for strategically selected or learned distance.
How to Live With Someone Who is Emotionally Unavailable
Is it possible to live with a man or woman whose nature is to be emotionally unavailable, and consequently, maintains a distance – purposely or otherwise?
Perhaps you need to ask yourself pointed questions:
- Why is he or she behaving this way and has it always been the case?
- To him or her, is it a problem or a choice?
- Are there signs this may be part of a midlife crisis?
- Is the behavior “passive-aggressive” and therefore, used as a tool or weapon?
- Is the emotional distance a sign of a health problem, depression, work or financial worries, a possible affair?
- Are you emotionally distant as well, and thus encouraging this response in your partner?
- Are you pushing, and consequently he or she is taking a defensive posture?
- Would talk therapy help?
- Can you find a middle ground, a level of sharing that is comfortable for both of you?
- If not, can you live with the allowances you need to make, deprived of the emotional intimacy you’d truly like to have?
Is it possible to approach the issue with your partner, to coax the other to open up? Might you offer stepping stones to encourage more sharing by choosing a gentle, non-adversarial path to expressing what he feels? Can you see your own part in the dynamic, or the context in which it has changed?
Understanding Emotional Unavailability
Emotional intimacy is not an absolute any more than emotional unavailability; there are dimensions and degrees. Problems arise when one partner feels wanting and the other is unwilling or unable to engage in a mutually acceptable way.
This Lifescript article explores what it means to love someone who is emotionally unavailable, pointing out that those who hold back in relationships are not all men, not necessarily incapable of intimacy, and may be choosing to love to a certain point – at a certain point in their lives.
… there are just as many emotionally unavailable women who want to remain focused on their careers, needs and wants, and cannot be bothered by giving any particular relationship their all.
In the case of those who remain emotionally aloof, the article mentions a fear of being controlled or a fear of losing oneself. However, if you love someone whose distance persists, be forewarned:
… If you’re dating or married to an emotionally unavailable person, you probably feel that your needs and wants in the relationship aren’t being met; you may express more affection, care and commitment than you receive.
Some have even likened their partner’s apparent lack of care, love or concern to emotional abuse because it makes them feel worthless.
And therein lies the drama for those on the other side – the sense of worthlessness, the emptiness – wondering how much and for how long they can compartmentalize their needs, as they try to exist in the shadows of emotional reserve. Whatever its causes or reasons, it may be too much to ask for some, and survivable for others.
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The story of my life but then I was probably not emotionally ready either. As I aged it became apparent I needed to stress what I truly wanted. Didn’t always work but got better.
One of the things about marrying so young, Madge, is that few of us have developed the tools to recognize our own emotional needs much less the territory for someone else. Then again, I married late… and we know how that ended up! 🙂
LOVE this article. I grew up with an emotionally unavailable mother and father. As I matured, I selected emotionally unavailable men….I felt this constant need for approval. If only this one would reciprocate. If I do this…that…the other thing, he’ll love me and all will be right with the world. This is my favorite quote from this article, “Problems arise when one partner feels wanting and the other is unwilling or unable to engage in a mutually acceptable way.”
Thank you!
Thank you for stopping by and commenting, Angi. I’ve read your remarks a few times now. Your mention of your parents strikes a chord for me, personally, as does the rest of your observation about needing approval and the “if I do this, he’ll do that” dynamic. You’ve given me much to think about, so I’m glad if this was mutual.
Very good article!
I will comment here, for balance purposes. I am a man, and as a child, both parents were emotionally unavailable for me as well. I too sought out the same in a partner, and have paid the price for those decisions about who I chose to be intimate with, all the while, not truly knowing or giving intimacy. Now that I’m older and more in tune with my needs and wants, and understanding of the differences between those two words, I have found that I am capable of true intimacy, and have finally found bliss and happiness with my girlfriend.
What a lovely, encouraging comment, Jim. So glad you stopped by to read and share.
Jim
I agree. The timing was perfect. If a woman is attractive, edgy, fun, flawed and emotionally unavailable I am attracted. Sick really. I am still learning.
What was the turning point and what got you to it? Also, was it hard to transition?
Yeah Angi… the quote from the article that you cited “Problems arise when one partner feels wanting and the other is unwilling or unable to engage in a mutually acceptable way” is but a hard fact.
During my 20 yr marriage, I didn’t feel safe expressing my true feelings to my husband so over time, I just stopped going there. His quick temper and fault finding made me scared to open up.
Gradually our marriage became one of basic everyday exchanges with each of us finding other ways to try to get our deeper needs met.
Hello Nancy, I am in the same situation with my husband. It’s been 7 years of our marriage but it still bothers me that he is never emotionally available. Sometimes it keeps me up all night. I don’t know how to deal with it 🙁 . How do you manage your emotions ?
Hi Tanjida, From what I’ve learned through counseling, their lack of emotional availability
is deeply rooted and rarely improves unless they make significant efforts over a long period of time. In my situation I ultimately was faced with the choice to remain in a surface level marriage or go through the tremendous changes that came about from leaving it altogether.
Only you can determine what is best for you – do not wait endlessly for things to change like I did.
Thank you for taking the time to write this article, and as informative as you did, it really helped.
It’s true that not everyone who are emotionally unavailable are men. The woman I was involved with until recently, just a few years younger than me in her mid-twenties, is very capable of true intimacy but tends to withdraw when life becomes difficult for her and neglects either some or all of the important people in her life. I went through your checklist, and I’ve been able to confirm that she has always been like this, and it’s a problem rather than a choice. Once she emerges from the emotional hole she tends to burrows herself into, she is ashamed and embarrassed by what she herself admits is ‘rude and unacceptable’ behaviour, but then still can’t bring herself to redeem herself or reconnect out of fear that by now I have had enough and will lash out in response. It’s never gotten to that point, but me voicing my disapproval only sends her back into another spiral.
I understand now that her feelings for me are strong and genuine, but self-preservation and fear of getting hurt seem to be more dominant; and me forcing the issue only does more damage to both of us. I now find myself in an impossible situation, where I accept that while a relationship with her is not possible, I still can’t bear to hurt her. And I hate the thought of her in pain over this, so I end up relenting and doing what I can do relieve her pain. And the cycle continues.
Hi Tom. I’m glad if my experience and exploration of this topic were helpful. I am not a counselor of any sort, but I do wonder if you two have attempted to speak with a professional, allowing both of you a safe environment in which to express what you’re feeling.
I also wonder about your age(s). With time, some of us are less fearful, and accept feedback more easily. Note that I say “feedback” rather than disapproval. I may be dealing in semantics, but even now, given the nature of my upbringing, I withdraw if I feel as though I’m being “disapproved of.” However, I am far more open to constructive criticism when it is offered in a non-threatening way – and also when I am not feeling stressed or vulnerable for other reasons. (In other words, timing can be key.)
For myself, it was helpful to walk through this research (and other reading), and understand the role I played in pairing up with someone who was less emotionally available than I would’ve liked. Understanding the many factors involved took some of the sting out of the situation. I felt less at fault and I also no longer blamed him for being who he is, or at least, who he was with me for so many years. Coming to recognize my own fear and walls also provides empathy for those who may be trying to reach me in a more profound way than I am comfortable with. Likewise, it makes me more patient with those who reveal only what feels safe, taking as much time as they need to do so.
A great deal of talking, listening, soul-searching (and reading) have all contributed to being more open where and when I need to be.
I hope you stop by again and read, and comment. Wishing you a means to break the cycle in a positive way for you both.
Thanks again for the further encouragement and advice.
Your article helped me to understand for the first time what it is I’m dealing with. In the past, her behaviour was difficult for me to rationalize, and being unable to do so was what kept me up at night. I also realize now that she and I are almost opposites in a very fundamental way: while she is seemingly unavailable, I am very much emotionally ‘available’, in that I express my thoughts and feelings clearly and as they occur – almost to a fault. And, as you mentioned in your article, there are different degrees of emotional unavailability, and it becomes a problem when one partner (me) feels wanting and the other (she) is unwilling or unable to engage in a mutually acceptable way.
After reading your article, I was led to a piece of excellent advice on options for communication with such a person, which listed many do’s and don’ts that I will bear in mind. Responses to avoid included criticising, guilt-tripping, indignation, resentment, sarcasm, scorn, avoiding and denial, even thinking these things without actually saying them – the list goes on. Looking back, I see now how I have been guilty of a few of these. But I will try a new approach now.
Communication was always key; but while I need to try a different kind of communication, the new buzzword for me now is ‘understanding’. Thanks again!
Wow Tom, we are both in the same boat. I kept trying to figure out my girlfriend of a year now and I totally get why she behaves how she does now. I’ve been doubting the fact that she loves me, just not in the way I have tried pushing her to. It’s led to many arguments as of late between the two of us. How do you communicate with your girlfriend without her feeling like you’re attacking her? A lot of the arguments could be prevented if I approach it in a different way.
Tom, I feel as if I’m your wife. My husband has been unhappy because of my emotional unavailability. I want to be available for him. I want to change. But each time I try to open up, I feel judged and intimidated. There’s always a comment whenever I open up when all I want is for him to listen. I had the courage the other day to tell him that I need encouragement to get out of my shell. He said that he won’t do that. He recently has been telling me that he was never happy with me since we dated (2 years ago). We recently got married. I don’t know what to do. I want to make this marriage work.
Marie, As I’ve said to others, I am not a counselor of any kind. But I would like to ask – could it be helpful to show your husband this article? If you are seen as the one who is emotionally unavailable, could the cited resources and these many thoughtful reader comments help?
Is there a trusted third party who has seen your couple dynamic who might be able to bring some insight — on both of you — that could benefit both of you?
Sometimes it takes a third-party to clarify how we are coming across, and to help us see and hear ourselves as the other person does — in an accusing (or judgmental) tone, for example.
Hi Tom,
I feel as if I’m in the same situation as well. I am a very emotional person who is currently dating someone completely opposite. We have been dating for a year.Of course this was not an issue in the beginning of our relationship because of the initial attraction and so on. The last few months have been rough for him, with a lot of hardship financially and with his family. He used to just shut everyone out and even disappeared once when he was under stress. He just shuts down. We worked through that and he now knows and has proved to me that he won’t run away and leave me wondering anymore. However, he is so distant. Like the article states, I have wanting. I tried to explain to him that I understand he is under a lot of stress, but that I was feeling like my needs weren’t being met. He just made a comment about he was sick of dealing with my emotions. We both react so differently, I don’t know how to understand him or help him understand me. Any suggestions?
After 10 years of marriage and three children (2 of which are special needs), I’ve only just realized that my husband is emotionally unavailable within the last year and a half. We are both in therapy and have been for over a year. How do you get the marriage to work when your spouse is still having a difficult time opening up?
Jennifer, You have my empathy – and also, my admiration. The fact that you and your husband are in therapy speaks volumes about a willingness to change the dynamic between you.
As one who was married to a man who was emotionally distant, and knowing myself to have worked on those (self-protective) tendencies as well, I would only say that it can be a slow process. That “difficult time” you mention may require more time than you realize. Does the therapist see him – and the two of you – as making progress?
My therapist sees progress in me. I’m not sure what his therapist thinks. I’ve asked him if we could revisit couples therapy. He said he didn’t feel comfortable but would if I was sure it would help. He’s looking for a guarantee that I can not give. We finally got to this point last year, after I found out he was having an emotional affair. Quite ironic. I’m getting to the point where I’m starting to lose hope. He has made slight changes… sending flowers once in awhile, asking me to dinner and offering some information here and there. The emotional connection is still lacking and I’m wondering if we’ll ever get there.
And the emotional affair? Over, or still trailing in some way? Was the connection there in the beginning between you two, or more so, before years of married life, kids, the fatigue and familiarity that come with both?
It’s over. The connection was there but now that I look back, he was always emotionally guarded. I also didn’t need him to be as open as much prior to us getting married. We’ve been through a lot together. An autism diagnosis with our oldest, two miscarriages, almost losing my life after the birth of our twins, needing a nurse to help me for almost a year so I could recover, then one of our twins was diagnosed with having a stroke in utero. There is a lot of stress in our life and not much help from family. I needed him emotionally. He wasn’t able to give that part if himself to me. He withdrew more and dug himself into work more. He was already a workaholic. He used the excuse of our growing medical bills and then found this other woman to hide behind my back to vent to her about me wanting to spend more time with my husband. Their “friendship” was hidden from me for about six months. Supposedly it wasn’t sexual. After all that we had been through together, this was the biggest slap in the face.
Jennifer, I’m not a counselor or therapist, so please take anything I say as one woman’s opinion and experience, and only that.
It sounds like both of you have been through hell – you, in the most physical and visceral way – and your husband, who surely feels it as well, though he has more outlets for numbing or deflecting. And, it sounds as if work has provided him a place to bury himself and feel like he is meeting his responsibilities.
Re the emotional affair, often, people are not seeking this sort of connection. It happens gradually, it sneaks up on them, and the relief of finding a safe haven for feelings that need airing may in fact come as a surprise. A “new” person also sees him as “new” (and possibly heroic, special, valuable – in a way he isn’t feeling about himself).
That doesn’t make it any easier on the other person (you), but it’s a reminder that generally, there is pain and loneliness at the origin of this sort of connection. I don’t know if that can ease your pain, but in my book, emotional affairs are not “rejection” per se.
That may be small comfort to you, feeling as you do that his relationship was a slap in the face (completely understandable). But perhaps it puts it in a somewhat kinder light. Especially as it is over.
Recognizing that he was emotionally guarded when you married, I might guess, is something you wouldn’t have seen a few years ago. That’s a situation I once found myself in, well into my own marriage. Again, that he appears willing to try to open up says something. My own situation was different.
Here are a few questions that come to mind. Are there specific ways in which support from him would help you? By that I mean narrowly focused and achievable – whether it is asking how your day was when he gets home (and then listening), or giving you an hour break when you most need it (allowing you to regroup), or carving out one hour each weekend just for the two of you – not talking about the kids – even if it’s at 10pm on Saturday night over a glass of wine.
Are there specific ways in which support from you would help him? Have you asked? (And they need to be more explicit than “I need you to support me” – just as your requests need to be explicit and achievable.) If it’s more effective to write these things down – give each other time to do so, and specificity being key – is that something you have tried?
Another thought: Some people are more guarded than others, and it is who they are. Women (typically, but not always) are more at ease with going to our deepest feelings – and wanting to be heard. But the people we love may not be the right (or only) audience or recipient for expressing those feelings. With our complicated lives (and yours certainly is more complicated than many), we may become isolated, and so we expect our spouses to be the recipient of more than we would otherwise expect. That is, if we had additional options (a best friend, a family member, a support group, a therapist, an online community).
We may be able to encourage a freer flow of communication in specific areas – but not necessarily all – and maybe we should be okay with that, if we are getting our needs met. Can we find those areas that are the most important for us, and not asking more than the other person is capable of giving?
Can we identify those areas that are most important to the other person, and provide the non-judgmental ear or shoulder for them?
Circumstances also conspire to make us self-protect and keep our guard up. Issues over children, money, health – these ping fear and also guilt, and sometimes we’re afraid we might let loose too much. So we keep silent. Do you feel “safe” expressing your frustrations in general, and recognize that you might leave him feeling at a loss, which may be hard for him to deal with? Can you express your frustrations with him – without being accusatory?
Can you imagine him as your safe haven in some ways, easing your stress, though perhaps not in all the ways you imagine as a couple?
Can you imagine yourself as his safe haven, at least in some ways?
(Looking back on my marriage, I’m sure there were times that pent-up resentment bubbled over where it didn’t belong and muddled things. That doesn’t mean there wasn’t good reason for the resentment, but I would have been smarter to address things as they came up, rather than being fearful of confrontation.)
Sometime back, I was going through something extremely hard. I was talking about it with the man I live with. He didn’t have much to say; the situation created a growing emotional distance – unusual for us. The circumstances began to change and I was able to encourage him to open up a little more. What I didn’t understand while this was going on: He felt guilty that he couldn’t tangibly help. He felt it was his “job” to somehow make things alright. The more I expressed my worry, the worse he felt about himself. I had no idea he internalized so much. It took time and probing and patience on my part to get that out of him. After, he felt better and I felt better.
Like I said, I’m not a therapist. I’ve experienced my own ride through more and less emotional distance – betrayals have a way of making us close in on ourselves and inadvertently putting up “keep out” signs to those we ought to let in. I have done this, without realizing I was doing it.
Those betrayals may be the obvious, or they may come from “life” handing us challenges that are unyielding and exhausting. There may still be answers that are workable for the relationship. In my experience, they don’t come neatly packaged up, as we might hope. But when both people have a vested interest in finding them, they can.
I don’t know if any of this is helpful to you. You need a safe place in each other, but that safety won’t necessarily look the same. You also need a joyful place in each other. That one may be easier to find than you think – a moment of laughter, a milestone for one of your kids, something off-the-wall (fun) that you decide to try together.
Last, when I was at a loss at various points (not only with my guy, but with one of my kids), I applied some of the tactics used in consulting to relationships. They helped. They still help. They aren’t easy. I don’t know if they will help you. I hope so.
And a good therapist? Worth his or her weight in gold.
I am married to an emotionally unavailable man. But it is even more than that. Somehow, he blames me for his unhappiness.
When we met, he was between deployments and had actually enlisted. I gave him my opinion (since he seemed so lost) to not go and to try something else to succeed at. I did not think it was the best thing to enlist during the middle of wartime.
We married and tried at playing house, had three children. Early on, he lost his job. That was the first and last time I saw him shed a tear. He promised to do his best to take care of us.
What he actually did was slip into a depression and not work for over 2 years. He was rude, did not do house work. Did not feed the children (they would have to eat off his plate). He barely changed diapers. All of this while I worked, full-time thru 2 pregnancies.
He did start working again but when home, he plays video games the majority of the days and shows no interest in me. I have cried, begged, screamed, tried ultimatums. Nothing will influence him to even address my grievances. I am stuck and I am trying to not slip away into a depression myself.
He will not go to therapy. Please give some advice on how to not lose it. I wish I could have an affair!
Hi Air. First, let me say how sorry I am you’re going through this. And, let me also say, I’m not a counselor of any sort, so please take my questions and comments in that light.
As a vet, is there any way your husband could speak to a military resource? Might that be more comfortable for him? Perhaps the motivational and other issues might be framed in that broader context, which might also be more comfortable to him?
Are there family members that he is close to, or clergy, who might be able to help him with some issues – and possibly help all of you?
As for your situation and the situation of proper care for the children, do you have access to any sort of support – community, family or other? Perhaps if you rephrased / reframed what you refer to as “your grievances” into challenges the five of you need to solve as a family, together, it might feel less like blame and more like steps to benefit all of you. Just a thought.
As for having an affair, that may prove a distraction but it solves nothing and is more likely to complicate everything. I certainly understand the desire, but to act on it won’t address the core issues to do with your family, your children’s well-being, and your own understandable anger and frustration.
My wife is emotionally unavailable we have been married for 4 years, I knew from the start that she had some issues but I didn’t realize the enormity of them until it was too late now that I appreciate the problems better she’s leaving me. I still love her a lot but I have tried everything to make her see that I can deal with her issues but she’s adamant. She’s uncomfortable when I express my feelings earlier on in our marriage she said she’s no longer attracted to me because I have a big belly but I think this was just in an effort to detach and avoid intimacy. Is there anything I can do to save this situation.
I blame his mother who by her own admission was more concerned about how clean the house was instead of showing affection towards him. I once asked him if he was hugged by his parents and he said ‘no’ but as if it was strange that parents hugged or showed affection to their kids. He has done well to show our kids affection but has barely given an inch with me. But it doesn’t cause an issue except when I (sometimes intentionally) smother him with what he thinks is too much.. He also has trouble expressing he is uncomfortable in a nice way. But he is who he is and that’s who I love so we deal with it.
I am going to counseling. Both my husband and I are children of alcoholics. I am working on getting through my issues and getting “healthy”. My husband is not interested in doing the same. I am extremely sad and distressed that my husband will not support me through this process or do the same for himself. I understand he is an adult and capable of making his own decisions but I am not sure I want to spend the rest of my life with someone who isn’t there for me emotionally. We are like best friends in some aspects but he is quick to pick out my faults. I am so confused on what to do. I have tried talking to him but to no avail. I am taking anti-depressants. What can I do?
Hi Debbie. Please know I’m not a psychologist or counselor. So take anything I might ask or say in that light.
May I ask how old you are and how old your husband is? Are there children in the picture and have you been married for a long time? Have you been to individual counseling? What does the counselor say about your husband’s progress or lack of it?
How long has this process of exploring your issues been going on?
We all change in our own time and at our own pace of course. And I can’t say that I believe marriage should be a life sentence to misery. On the other hand I’ve been through a dragged out divorce and years afterward with difficult repercussions. Splitting the family can be a terrible terrible thing for some of us, and less so for others.
I would rely on the counsel of professionals who know you. I also think that patience can be helpful.
Clearly I can’t know what’s right for you or your situation. If there are no children at home and if you are financially secure on your own, that does change the complexion of things relative to your future. On the other hand some people do change and want to change. I know that I have learned to become more capable of emotional connection over the years. It isn’t always easy.
Thank you! I have two daughters, he has a son. All are out of school and out of the house. We have been married for 11 years. I am financially secure and feel I could make it on my own, but I feel like I need time to think things through and some sessions with my counselor to really figure this out. I have been in counseling for almost 6 months.
Is there any rush to make life altering decisions, Debbie? If things are relatively peaceful between you two, and you feel like you, personally, are making progress with the counselor, does it make sense to simply continue as you’re going for now? What does your gut tell you? I’m glad to hear that you would be able to make it financially on your own if it came to that, and that children at home are no longer an issue.
Is there anything else that may be going on with him? Is he now as he’s always been, only you want something more? (And by the way, in my opinion, 6 months isn’t a long time to be in counseling.)
Greetings!! .. Badly need your help.
My only problem in my life is the deep love with my loveliest wife. Problem because, she is not capable of loving me with the least of the emotional connect and intensity as I do.
I am basically a person, for whom the very purpose of life is love, relationships and family (with least aspirations to accomplish any businesses, or any other ambitious objectives). I am deeply philosophical and crave a deep connect with my lady.
I love talking my heart and feelings, but she talks business (things to do, kids’ school, money matters etc). She says I like crisp and short communication. She is pathetic in communication and taking any initiative.
Some of the key highlights:
– She is liberated and detached, rather than being emotionally attached. But she often says I love you and need you.
– She doesn’t have a natural sense of romantic love. Doesn’t need sex more than once a week to 10 days.
– She is quite thoughtless, doesn’t have much feelings / human sensitivity, has no judgments, is transactionally happy in Now moment
– She has minimum emotional dependency / needs
– She is aggressive, is a tomboy, is not feminine by character (though has great feminine body), doesn’t have typical feminine softness
– Is my opposite vis-a-vis likings, tastes and way of life (music, sports, material interests, etc)
– Is not married / connected by heart. Doesn’t emotionally connect at all, to anybody
– Is indedependent, extremely intelligent, brave and cannot be seen as couple lady.. Rather absolutely independent
-> She recently admitted:
– “I do love you, but arranged marriages are indeed not by heart .. I don’t have undue attachments”
Please do advise my way forward! I am married for 16 years.
Rajeev, You say that your wife is not capable of loving you with the same connection and intensity with which you love her. You also go on to explain that this is an arranged marriage, that it has lasted for 16 years, and that you admire her for who she is very much.
I would say that is a great deal — especially as I am in a culture in which marriages are typically not arranged, but half of them, approximately, end. And for many of those marriages, whether they end or not, there is an emotional disconnect that occurs at some point. It is very sad and can also be very painful on children if those marriages in or if the children observe one or both parents being unhappy in the marriage.
There is no question that when you love someone who does not love you back in the same way, whether you divorce or stay together, that it is painful and can be very lonely.
But it is also painful and lonely to be alone, or to go from relationship to relationship not finding what it is that you need, or unable to give someone else what they need.
Would you be able to identify what it is that she respects and admires and you? Would she be able to articulate the same about you, speaking to you or in writing? Might there be changes you could make in your self if you wanted to that could help her feel closer to you if not in all ways in some ways?
Would a calm and more specific discussion be a starting point from which the two of you could communicate further?
Are there ways in which she does connect with you emotionally that make you happy, even if it is not the degree of connection that you seek?
Might there be things that the two of you could do together that could bring you closer? Can you ask her about that?
I am not a therapist or counselor, but I do understand that some people cannot love us back in the way that we may love them. That is very difficult to live with. On the other hand, from the small amount you have said, as an outsider looking in, it sounds like you two have a great deal that does work.
Is there a way to focus more on that, although you wish for more emotionally from her?
Thanks DA Wolf!
My core problem is that I cannot reach the heart of my lovely wife. She talks and connects at a very surface level.
She says she is absolutely thoughtless. She doesn’t have intensity and depth of feelings and emotions as I do. She is not philosopical. I am right brained (artistic, full of emotions and deep feelings), while she is left brained – always talking about the rationale and logic of things in life.
She loves to talk about world politics or current affairs or global concerns, but nothing on the matters of heart. At times, she finds my artistic way of loving her as filmy style! ..
She is aggressive and impatient by nature.
She returns from a vacation of 3 weeks at her mother’s place, and shares no details of what all she discussed there, did there, etc. Whereas, for me the core connect builds on discussing all the experiences, exchanges, thoughts etc.
If I am upset with her, all she has to ask is ‘what happened’. When I say ‘nothing’, she doesn’t make any attempt to find out further. She rather becomes egoistic, and distances further.
My and her areas of interest are very different in life, though we love each other. She loves sports, which doesnt interest me. She loves cooking, which doesnt interest me, though I do try to watch some gourmet programs with her on TV. I love to talk, connect at hearts, have romance etc – which don’t interest her much.
I have been brought up by parents who don’t connect emotionally. Probably that is a big reason why I wanted to receive love in my life. While my own heart holds so much love!!
Or now does it appear that rather I am abnormal and insane!?
.. Continued (part 2 of 2)
Additional facts
– She is very sincere in her responsibilities, like serving and taking care of me and the kids .. But doesnt understand the needs of love .. Not that she doesnt love, but is fully liberated of any attcachment with husband and kids
– I discussed my problem with her a few times. She just cant undestand how else can she ‘connect’ to me .. She thinks I unnecessarily think too much 🙂
I really beleive I am married with an emotionally univailable man. I love him even with all the problems we have. Our main issues are lack of comunacation, intimicy, forgetfullness, procrastination. I feel like I am handiling this marriage by myself. When I got married I did put all my effort to this marriage. Yes I am not perfect. I admit that I do have my issues as well overreact maybe sometimes or be too emotional. But I always let him know exactly the way I feel, I try to be his best friend but usually dos not work. It looks like he doesn’t like to share with me his bad, sad moments.
When I got married with him (my first marriage) he was already married before with children. I tried to get along with them and kind of we did but he never backed me up when I asked for small things like please dont eat that in the bedroom it is better in the kitchen etc, and if they did he will always excuse them. It wasn’t a big deal but my point was never got his backup on any way. Now after almost 10 years of marriage with with 2 kids I had with him, I am becoming more and more desperate. We have more arguements and every time I try to talk about our issues it is impossible. He says he is becoming more cold because of me because I get upset and want to argue what is not the case is that I want to pull my hair out with the difficult attitide he gets.
Going straight to the point, he ignores, if we have an a argument as soon as I start getting upset he will put on his headphones and ignore me even if I am crying asking please to listen to me and talk. will never happen. I don’t even feel like making love because we are not even connected sometimes he wants to but how I can feel like when he brings me down?
I love him and my heart is broken now because I feel like we are falling appart! I am very worried.
I work full time and after I started to go to school so I am out of the house for 20 hours for 4 days per week. I get home and he doesnt say anything not even “I appreaciate what you do for our family” or some nice words. When I see him maybe a “Hi” and now I think he is flirting with some one else near if our home I saw him. I feel very disappointed !!! I feel like he is using this time I am out of the house to have his free time. After I saw that we don’t talk each other and he doesnt even try at all!!! I am depressed and I feel a lot of anxiety.
I’m in same boat exactly apart from I am now separating from him. He is confusing me though by saying he doesn’t want a divorce as it has been the best years of his life. ! Yet he has done nothing but make me unhappy and looked miserable all the time. Now I need to explain to a divorce lawyer what he has done and I can’t cos it’s all so ambiguous and he always has an excuse. I suspect a lot of things have been going on like other women but its mostly instinct. Slippery eel! I would just like a bit of concrete under my feet instead of shifting sands.
I stayed with a guy like this for 25 years . . . and have regretted it deeply. This type of guy is passive aggressive, and when you read about this type of person, you will find that the answer is to run as far away as you can get.
Someone who is emotionally unavailable needs to come to terms with that problem and be willing to face up to all the alienation, hostility, coldness, lacking affection that comes with it . . . but they almost never will because that is just too frightening for them.
Leave, now, before you waste 10 more years of your life.
Help! I’m pretty sure my husband is emotionally unavailable… yet … but… to look at him objectively you would see a man who appears to be paying his wife a lot of attention. Helps at home, buys flowers, drives me places, wants to go on dates with me. But it doesn’t feel heartfelt. More like he has a checklist in his head of boxes to tick to be a good husband. He follows it but not always in the most gracious of spirits. The list he has formed on his own and I have never been consulted to see if it is what I want or need. Anything I state I want or need I know will definitely not be on there. It’s like he is a good husband on his terms and conditions but I have never felt so emotionally disconnected from a partner ever. Any one with a similar experience??
Lynds
I’ve had exactly the same experience. Your description is exactly right, with the most tell-tale parts being that it doesn’t feel heartfelt, and that you are feeling left out. Your spouse either doesn’t know how, or doesn’t want to connect. He’s going through the motions, “phoning it in”. Having been on the end of that, I know it is very disconcerting, as you aren’t sure how much of it is you versus him. From what you describe (very well, I’ll add), it seems pretty clear that you are the one who is willing to work for and work in a true partnership, and he is not.
I will also add that what you have said alludes to control issues, maintaining the relationship strictly on his terms. Reading between the lines, I’m guessing that you also seldom talk, and that when you do he either blows up, is unresponsive, talks around/redefines the questions, or goes off on unrelated tangents. Even if I’m wrong on your communications, it does sound like an emotional unavailability issue.
I hear so much wisdom in this post, D.A.! And the comments that follow so insightful to my own experiences with love and still learning the complexity human behaviors. I am a bit late to reading this post.
I don’t suppose anyone who posted here so long ago will still get these comments but Robert, you just totally described the situation I am in with my husband. It’s amazing that we are still together after 27 years of marriage, but believe me, I have often wanted to leave. The thing is, whenever I have tried or mentioned it, he changes his tune, stops getting angry with me and avoids conflict. Even though he doesn’t become emotionally available I am still able to live with him when he attempts to be a more accommodating person. And I agree with everything Lynds says too – he is not interested in doing the things that will make me happy but rather what he thinks will do the trick! I have had to write letters to him over the years, because of his inability to open up when I try to talk (and because I hate how he always turns it into an argument or shouting match which totally throws me off). But he has always ignored my letters too! It leaves me feeling very sad and hopeless when I have poured my heart into a letter, always in a nice way, telling him I love him but I need to feel emotionally connected, only to have him dismiss it and never discuss it with me. Anyway, I now feel too old to move on (56 and dependent on him) and I’m just accepting the situation, showing as much love as I can and just accepting that it is what it is (packing that side of me away and hope it doesn’t surface again). If I can just keep myself happy on a daily basis and not think about those needs, treat him lovingly, then things are fairly harmonious. Yes I know that sounds unfair but I can’t see any better options right now. Hope all is working out for everyone who has posted.
Shay
I think it is important for you to know that your situation isn’t normal, and it almost certainly isn’t your fault. Having walked in your shoes (and to some extent I still do) I’m of the opinion that there is more going on in situations such as you describe than mere emotional unavailability. Although in the end it doesn’t matter much how it is labeled, I think there is some psychological pathology involved. But in the end, the only question that matters is “How are you going to cope”?
Although I had been doing heavy reading on the likely psychology, the eye opening moment was when a therapist said “she (the other party) had me right where she wanted me”. When I saw that I was being manipulated it became unimportant whether it was being done deliberately or was a long time, subconscious coping pattern. What was important was how I would react. I realized I had taken a path of accommodation, which was the easy way out in the short term but ultimately harmful to my own interests in the long term. I had also been walking on eggshells, hiding my own personality and wants.
My solution has been to try to establish my own bottom lines. It is never possible to change the other person, but it is possible to change the realities your spouse encounters. I will be the person I am, whether she likes it or not. Not in a deliberately offensive way, but trying to find the best version of me within, no matter whether I think she will like it. Some issues can’t be swept under the rug anymore. No more being talked over, subject-switched, gas-lighted, shamed. I have no desire to dominate (that is manipulative from the other direction) but I’ve decided that having those tactics levied against me is deal-breaker territory. Where we draw the lines is a work in progress, but that subject has to be open for discussion if need be.
In order to do that, you have to decide that you want things to be different badly enough to be willing to walk away if reasserting yourself as a valid member of the partnership doesn’t work. In my case I didn’t see an obvious way out but I was approaching the point where I didn’t think the likely alternatives could be much worse. I was fortunate, things changed for the better. The emotional availability issues are still there, I’m packing part of myself away, as you say. But the day to day life is far more bearable and that is good enough for now.
I wish you the best.
This article and many of the comments reflect myself. For starters i am well loved by family and friends. People try hard to keep me in contact, but if im some distance from then i dont think of these people i do love dearly.and if problems arise in life then i withdrawal even further. It get to a point that because i rejected so many calls from people i love, i get guilty cause i know my behaviour is rude. So guilty that ive cried before over it and further withdrawal from everyone important in my life. Eventually when i hit rock bottom or something big happens, its like i can pop straight out of my burrow and be right back where i started. Theres no gradual healing. Its a concious thing but anxiety and guilt build fast which manufest into fear and then i stop communicating.
Recently, the love of my life left me for another man. She waited 2 miserable years for me to come back to my familys life but i failed to do it until it was too late. We have a 3 year old son and the fact that he was the biggest victim of it all is deeply saddening. She became depressed and so did i and our son suffered. We werent always like this. We were vibrant and very happy once. A family that anyone would envy. Then something changed and it started in me. After having a typical fight anyone could have i conciously made a choice to shut my emotional system down.and i held onto it like resentment. My very loving ex waited for so long for me to come back. Baby daddy come back to us. We miss you.. I didnt come back until it was too late. Now that my emotional centre has reawakened from the strife of breaking up, im scrambling to right my wrongs. Whether she gives me another chance is just a wait and see what happens at this point. She left me thinking i wouldnt even care, it got that bad. I did. And as the as the pain came, i refound my love. Its not that we dont love those important to us anymore. It just gets conciously blocked out as a means to protect ourselves, but in the long run, to hide from our emotions to others ruins the relationships for myself and others like myself. I just want my family back to redeem the pain i caused. I love her so much. Whats wrong with me. Or why am i like this?
Interesting Linda, if I were able to tick off these things on my list on a regular basis… my wife would be happier… but these don’t represent intimacy to me… and i’m not saying she is shallow in that regard… she would surely see through them in no time too…but would be so much happier… you know it is important to do little things and to say ‘i love you’… they are things that we do for each other when we are feeling the love… but we need to remind ourselves to do these things even when we are not…. that doesn’t necessarily make them disingenuous…. nobody is on a love high all the time… at least not anyone who is in a long term relationship… and yet most would answer honestly that they love the other person… even if that person drives them crazy…
I can see all the things that affect my wife… the upbringing with her mother who was critical, and who taught her that sex was dirty (more or less)… and how damaging that has been to her all her life… its hard for her to take a compliment… you can actually see how it makes her uneasy… i’ve seen it when others pay her a compliment too. Sex… few and far between…and the resentment that has built up in me over the years actually undermines the enjoyment when it does finally happen… I don’t want to be having sex with someone who is hoping to appease me…that’s not intimacy… she swears up and down that she is attracted to me and that she enjoys sex… I feel completely undesirable… I’ve never felt that way… I’ve had some insecurities that we all,(men and women) have about ourselves from time to time… but nothing like I feel now.
I know she is burdened with this nonsense that has affected her but I’m helpless to do anything about it…we are both in our early 50s and it is well a part of who she is by now. We have both been somewhat loners before we met… both quite independent and cool for sure. But I have enormous capacity for emotional intimacy… she is not a partner to me in so many ways. My mother was emotionally unavailable… and i look back on the 6 relationships I’ve had in my life (girlfriends, common law partners, and one short lived marriage including the relationship I’m in now)… the longest lasting ones (8-10 years) were the least healthy and satisfactory…
It has been said that when you grow up with an emotionally unavailable parent (particularly of the opposite sex) you tend to try to get that need filled but always again and again from other emotionally unavailable (in my case women)..it’s like trying to get blood from a stone… rather than pairing myself with a breezy smiling open warm woman… I try again and again to get that which I cannot from the same moody dour mysterious woman … the kind that tweaks my interest in a very unhealthy way. We do this to try to right a wrong that we had early on in our life…but it never works.
I once read that when you have a strong chemistry with someone… turn and run the other way, because it is one of these unhealthy pairings… better to try to work on a relationship that at first seems a little less intriguing… one that doesn’t push buttons within you… one that at first you might think …meh… that’s more likely to turn out to be a healthy relationship… but the problem is it doesn’t have that little tweak of energy that hooks you… which turns out may be an unhealthy addiction to (trying to get blood from a stone)… trying to get that emotional response from the very person who just can’t offer it.
There is much to think about in your comment, Andrew. I am particularly intrigued by your premise that if we are strongly attracted to someone we ought to consider turning and running the other way, that it may not be a healthy relationship. (I’m not sure I would come to the same conclusion, though I am now running through the list of significant relationships in my own life to see if that premise would hold true, or rather, the degree to which it would.)
I do very much agree that we need to give people a chance beyond a first impression, to get to know them more deeply. So much beauty so often lies beneath the surface, a cliché that is nevertheless the true for so many.
Your response reminds me of a Leonard Cohen line that doesn’t quite come to mind at the moment, but also a Bob Dylan line…. hope I don’t misquote “behind everything that’s beautiful, there’s been some kind of pain.”
Well you got a smile out of me with that one, Andrew.
Occasionally, I try to compare things that aren’t really comparable, or are apples and oranges at best — emotional loneliness inside a relationship vs. emotional loneliness when not in a relationship. Your comments in this discussion remind me that life is bittersweet. That said, I cling to the belief that to give ourselves to trying is so much better than the alternative.
I hope 2017 brings you many good things.
The premise that you found intriguing was among the most interesting points that I drew from the book “Reinventing your Life”… which I am not necessarily promoting or immersed in full agreement with… but it had a ring of truth to it… perhaps I oversimplified it … it was referring to a particularly strong type of chemistry that has an effect on a person in perhaps the same way as (my own words) a drug does for an addict… not just generally having chemistry with someone. For example.. I could say that I have chemistry with the “breezy smiling warm woman “…. not the same kind of fateful chemistry I’m prone to repeating in my life… and such a person makes me feel appreciated, seen, acknowledged and warm… and I suppose the idea is that a person should learn how to appreciate the positive and uplifting quality of this type of potential relationship and work with it as opposed to being drawn to the (again my words) gut level, need-filled and possibly dark draw of the ‘charged’ chemistry of the other potential relationship.
I think when someone offers you something that they want to give you rather than what you want… and in the “less gracious of spirits”… it can mean that they are checked out, when there is resentment… it is possible to get yourself to give something as a token, but the resentment prevents the action from going the further step of being caring… it is like a last ditch effort “well lets hope this does something to make things right”… as a sort of thing that people do when they are beyond real hope that things will get better. My wife and I both have anger… it’s not entirely about the other person… it is about the way the world is treating them, about the despair of seeing how the world is treating others too… about loss of hope, injustices, needing and not getting… all at a time when we are being encouraged to give more, to open up, to love… in a world, and possibly a relationship in which we feel mistrust, defensive, protecting of ourselves and….. feeling just plain sad.
Both my wife and I will get things for the other person… little treats for example… we may logically go through our grievances in our mind and come out the other end feeling the wish to make a peace offering, my wife will get me some sweets, which I have asked her not to… she is genuinely trying to be kind and thoughtful… but on the matter of being thoughtful… she is not engaged with ME… otherwise she would recall, I don’t want sweets… when there is a certain degree of anger and resentment in a relationship… the person’s actions however kindly, are more about themselves than about you. It has been said that ‘love is a doing more than a feeling’…so, going the extra step of asking what can I do for this person that they would like, that would help them, isn’t about stirring up feelings of love that otherwise are lacking at that time …that is unreal and disingenuous… but, going ahead and doing that thing or giving that thing that they would actually value and love … you can do that anyway, but don’t expect for it to be graciously accepted or for there to be butterflies and rainbows and sweetly singing cherubs in the trees…..
Love is not always feel good and warm and fuzzy… it is often messy and disappointing … and plain feeling. I ask myself ‘do i love this person ?”…..”what does that mean?”… life is hard, challenging, painful and disappointing, just as love is. in both cases we have 2 choices…press onward ( and try to lighten up) or check out… and in the case of love or life (I wouldn’t pass moral judgement on someone if they made that choice )… but starting over again with a new model might be an idea… and it might also be delusional.
Again Andrew, there is so much food for thought in your remarks. And sadness, which too many of us have felt, especially in the light of shared history, shared lives, a sense that “love” hasn’t been what we hoped it would be.
This comment startled me in light of what I posted today: “when there is a certain degree of anger and resentment in a relationship… the person’s actions however kindly, are more about themselves than about you.”
Yes. And even when there isn’t anger or resentment, in some relationships, I have observed instances of seeming generosity and kindness that are genuine in their intent, yet, as you say “more about themselves than about you,” something that plays into the scorekeeping topic I think, and the complexity of human behaviors — some of them unconscious, and others, an intentionally manipulative tool.
As for our (misguided?) notions of what constitutes love, you raise a host of points we could all do with considering.
Andrew – You have written with great insight. Your two posts are perfect descriptions of my own family of origin and current relationship, and the characteristics of myself and my wife. I agree with the idea of people in our situation trying to get love from someone mysterious who cant’t ultimately give it to us. I know it to be true personally – I’m fascinated by what I assume to be shrouded but deep emotional territory and want to engage for the hidden treasure. So far, what I have seen is the mystery of the other person not knowing who they are, or even if they know, not ever feeling certain or strong enough to reveal it.
I’ve also seen it expressed that we tend to marry someone like our parents. I believe this is simply gravitating to what we know, what we feel comfortable with, at least initially. If we are used to disfunction in our family of origin, we don’t recognize the warning signs of partners until we are fully vested.
I have some thoughts on the idea that love is a doing, more than a feeling. I was brought up with this philosophy and have tried hard to make it work. You might also put it as “love is a decision”. While there is much truth to this, I think it is only part of the story. Broadly speaking, I believe it holds true when there was genuine love in the relationship to begin with, and both people are capable of feeling and reciprocating love. And even if love was not there in the beginning, if both people have the right capabilities, the act of “doing” can provide a shared experience from which deeper things can gradually develop. However, I also think it is imperative that there be a mutual understanding of who the other person really is, and a feeling that they are unique in your frame of reference. But in any case, if both people don’t have the necessary emotional scaffolding, no amount of work will create the trust and feelings that lead to love.
And on that last note, I should say that my attention was particularly caught by your wife’s inability to take a compliment. While this is fairly common, it can also be a redflag. I’m curious whether the two of you have ever engaged any marriage counselors or mental health professionals, and if so, how your wife responded.
I have been with an emotionally unavailable man for 2 years, it’s laughable how it’s got to the point where I don’t ring him, texted him or chase him. I do nothing, he hardly sees me, has a low sex drive where at the beginning it was different, he texted rang and we had a lot of sex. I have never cheated I’m my life but have cheated on him 3 times just to get him back as I feel so neglected. I have left him 50 times he comes back begging, now he admits that he has switched off and feels nothing. He makes no plans not even for the weekend, no holidays planned too far away thinking.
I’m sick of it told him I will give him what he wants but I will be seeing other men, why should I wait for someone who doesn’t give a toss. I’m a good looking girl with lots of offers I’m not going to waste my life waiting for this loser , if it wasn’t for the good sex would have gone ages ago that’s the only thing that keeps me.
I was with an emotional woman for 19 months, it was casual for 10 months not even getting a kiss on a text but plenty of sex. She got closer to me meeting family and friends… we never had a row. I met her parents xmas day and we had a great new years eve. Now her eldest daughter was getting married in Feb and I was invited. Now nearer the wedding date she became distant. I knew the walls were up and the week b4 she told me she couldn’t do it and it was big for her and she wanted the same as b4. I tried reassuring her… saying I don’t have to be there all day, I could go part day or just the evening… and hugged her waiting for her to decide. 3 days later I had heard nothing… and so I thought I’d make it easy for her if I said I’d made plans and hoped the day went well.
Anyhow I got no reply. I messaged her that evening, no reply, the same for 3 weeks. Then she blamed me saying it was my fault, she had written place cards in a place at the afternoon meal but I hadn’t given her a chance to reply!
Now its over… her friends have told me she’s not in a good place. Do I just move on… only it was really good and she was happy. Help
The only help/commentary I can make, Lee, is that I see nothing but red flags….
My husband is emotionally unavailable. Having read and absorbed the article and comments I would like to draw readers to the following. Some people CANT express emotional intimacy. After many years of torment and what felt like emotional abuse and after years of me demanding what he could not give me he cracked. He had an epic breakdown which resulted in referral to mental health services and a diagnosis of personality disorder. Many millions of people have an undiagnosed personality disorder which means they have difficulty relating on many different levels especially interpersonally. They are often unaware that they have interpersonal issues and can be dismissive when their partners make demands of them to emotionally open up. Often they will not naturally connect and need to be asked to do simple things like touch you or stroke your hair. Sometimes it can feel like you are in a relationship with someone on the Autistic spectrum. The fact is that personality disorder is often not diagnosed and people go through their lives believing there is nothing wrong with them.
People with personality disorder require long term psychotherapeutic intervention and some respond to medication (depending on the personality disorder). If you have been banging your head against a brick wall and there is no change chances are it’s more than them being cut off. Some people have attachment styles which can be difficult but often those people are willing and able to meet you some part of the way. If you find that your partner is unable to meet you any part of the way or superficially changes for a bit only to revert back then it runs a lot deeper.
If your partner has a personality disorder and CANT meet your emotional needs without long term therapy then and I don’t say this lightly you only have one life and you must find ways in which to meet those emotional needs for yourself.
Sadly my attachment style is such that I find emotionally unavailable people highly attractive (mostly because of childhood parental unavailability). Now I know this about myself I am practicing self care and finding ways in which to meet these needs. I should not have to live out my life waiting in the vein hope for change especially when I know it is unlikely to happen. That does not mean that I am prepared to dump my partner because they have a mental illness because I do truly believe that it is the same as having any other diagnosis. However that does not mean that I must subject myself to a life to never having my emotional needs met. Your partner will never meet 100% if you needs but I’m sorry I there are certain needs that you cannot do for yourself. For example I cannot sit in front of the mirror and longingly look into my own eyes or give myself a massage or cup my hands around my face as I kiss myself! Do I love my partner? YES. Does that mean that I must neglect my own needs? NO. Go forth without guilt grow as a human person and continue at the same time to provide what your partner needs from you but know that it will not be able to be reciprocated. You cannot make a fish fly as much as you might want it to. People with personality disorder deserve human kindness and warmth even if they cannot do the same in return. Give wholeheartedly knowing it will not be reciprocated but find someone who can reciprocate. Don’t buy into the idea that what you need must come from the same person. We have been socialised to believe that if we can’t get everything from one person we must either suffer or leave. That is an outdated normative idea. You can give without receiving and you can get what you need from someone else who is able to give you what you need. You don’t have to disrupt your whole life. Emotional intimacy is only one aspect of the human condition. Be a grown up and go get what you need. You will be happier for it.
Yes – Agree. My experience, research and conclusion as well. No need to say more….