Your first may come as something of a surprise. Your first may be entirely unwelcome. Your first may be planned and coordinated, purely for the physical act, or as the progression from liking and attraction to young love.
Your first sexual experience may be an event you cherish or one you wish to forget, the result of circumstances you never anticipated.
In a premise I’ve never explicitly considered – that your first sexual experience may be your most important – Dr. Justin Lehmiller takes up the question of the first, offering opinions, insights, and possibly debate.
In “Is Your First Sexual Experience the Most Important,” Dr. Lehmiller references a study of 331 college students in which the conclusion drawn is:
… your first sexual experience can potentially set the tone of your sex life for years to come… “one’s first-time sexual experience is more than just a milestone in development. Rather, it appears to have implications for their sexual well-being years later.”
Dr. Lehmiller notes that the participants’ ages may indicate a problem; relatively little time has passed since the first experience. Seven years was the maximum gap between loss of virginity and the study’s timing. Moreover, the validity of 331 college students as a sample is also questionable. That said, we should pay attention to the word “potentially.”
And yet it’s a fascinating line of inquiry. Does the first sexual experience mark us in some way – positively or negatively? In an era of conflicting messages around sexuality, are we defined by our early sexual encounters to a greater extent than we realize – not only in the years that follow immediately, but as we mature? Might a first experience solidify an attraction to a certain physical or emotional type, or turn us away from him or her?
Recalling the era of my parents’ upbringing and to some extent my own, the boy’s first experience was acceptable at a young age – anything from 14 to 17 wouldn’t have raised so much as an eyebrow. Still, I wonder if a young male teen would feel comfortable expressing his discomfort at that first encounter – awkwardness, embarrassment, ignorance.
And the girls? They were expected to be virgins in the marital bed, with the only allowable indiscretion the men they were to marry.
Times have changed, at least in theory. Certainly, our propensity for discussing our sex lives, including a more diverse sexual menu, doesn’t shock the way it once would have. And we’re no longer holding these discussions behind closed doors or between pages sheathed in a brown wrapper. But are we truthful about the quality of our experiences? I have my doubts.
My curiosity leads me to ask:
- What constitutes a first sexual experience?
- Must it be intercourse? What about other activities?
- Does it change us in some fundamental way, or only temporarily?
- Does a first “love” change us more than our first sexual encounter?
- Just how awkward or uncomfortable are we as we begin our sexual lives?
- Why does this remain so difficult to discuss?
I return to Dr. Lehmiller’s article and pose myself these very questions. I wonder if the first significant sexual experience truly sets the stage for what comes next – pleasurable expectations, confusion over sexual identity, feelings of guilt, of trepidation – or perhaps a propensity for separation of feelings from the act itself.
Dr. Lehmiller’s closing remarks are as follows:
… we just cannot conclude that the quality of people’s first experience necessarily caused them to have better or worse sex later on…
I find myself inclined to agree, and my own conclusion is “it depends.”
Certainly, our childhoods are a major influence in any response to early sexual activity – positive or negative. I can imagine that the age at which events occur is significant, as we reasonably assume that maturity is required to put sexuality into context. Couldn’t we agree that peer group and environment are factors? Surely the college student surrounded by friends (with whom to discuss exploits) is better positioned to view her own (or his own) experience as within the realm of “usual,” whereas a more isolated teenager or young adult would not.
And if the first encounter is associated with violence, disrespect, or simply disregard? How long do the emotional and behavioral consequences last? A few years or a lifetime? Or is the answer, again, it depends?
What else might influence how we perceive those early encounters once we’re adults? Ten years later? Twenty years later?
If we’ve had few sexual partners, does the first stay with us longer? If we’ve been fortunate enough to feel fireworks most of the time, does an early disappointment simply fade away? And what about the other variations of firsts – from wretched to romantic?
What about the premise that girls are raised with – that sex is about love and only love? Or do our girls learn quickly that in the “real world” that’s not the case? What about our boys?
As I find this an intriguing topic – and the women I’ve known rarely talk about their first sexual experience other than a casual mention of when, where, and with whom – this seems rich emotional terrain worthy of exploring. In particular, how does an adolescent or young adult feel about this initial experience? How is she or he changed by it? Do its impacts hover for a few years, then disappear? How common is the “bad” first experience for a young woman? And for a man?
Man or woman, if you knew then what you know now, would you “do it” differently?
I have invited several writers to share their stories. You may look forward to essays as well as short statements on “the first,” some of which are written anonymously, as this remains a highly personal topic for many.
I welcome your thoughts.
Part 1 in a series on First Sexual Experiences.
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All in all my first time was lovely and interestingly enough with the woman I later married. But had I a chance to experience it again, I would have slowed down, made it last longer. Of course, in the passion of the moment, who knows if that would even be possible. Happy New Year 2014 Wolfie.
Wonderful to hear from you, Gandalfe, and what a nice “first” you have to share.
And wishing you both a happy and healthy 2014!
It was fairly meaningless –I set out to do it just to get it done and I never think about it, although it’s very like me to just TCB! My best experiences were in my 50s and my very best one remains as vivid as ever! All good, as far as I am concerned.
I wonder how many of us do it “just to get it done,” Carol. (Do our teenage girls still feel this way? Our teenage boys?) Your remark about the 50s makes me smile… good news for many, I would think.
I’m interested in how the first experience sets the stage and tone for further. In my history, first are generally too quick.
Hi D.A,
Now we are loaded with questions and set for reflection on them at least till end of winter! 🙂
You know the famous Georges Brassens’ song, right?
“Jamais de la vie on ne l´oubliera la première fille qu´on a pris dans ses bras”
This to say that of course the first experience counts and have an important impact, because it can’t miss to be emotional and, yes, everybody feels awkwardness, embarrassment, etc….
On my side I think it have consequences not only due to the fact that it’s good or bad, but also in the context and timing of it. If you take my own story, my first sex encounter was very successful, thank you. But two things were to have a big importance: 1st it didn’t happen very soon (I was 19 at that moment), and second the woman of this first sexual experience was to become my wife. I always wondered if this didn’t come in play a way or another in the vision I always had later on, that couples should keep being free of having little sexual encounters and not being restricted for life to one partner. Well, it came right into my face, because as good as we were together and deciding to marry 3 years later, there was no way that I was saying to myself, that’s it, I found the one! I’m out of the market and the sexual partner of just one forever! 🙂 So we effectively lived as free couple, had two children and stuck together for 40 years, the biggest part of them having been very happy. That’s it.
First sexual experience…typical for a man (meaning Whew…at last) with the woman soon to be my wife and then former wife. But not half as interesting as the first experience with my second partner. In a public park, with a school bus exchange on one side and a nunnery (I am not kidding) behind us. And only two trees. At her suggestion. The dear lady (and still a friend) announced gleefully “My first time outside ever.” I’m thinking “Outside, sure, that’s the woods. But a public park with school buses and nunnery.?” But I guess it takes more than that to stop a man. At least I’ve never been arrested for THAT, only for CD ( well, police were called on one occasion with said former wife 🙂 ).
Ah Paul. Make love, not war, right? Then again, your civil disobedience is also about not making war, in all kinds of ways, no?