“No one expects marriage to last.”
This was the remark that stunned me. I wondered if I felt that way, if it’s part of the hesitation I experienced with regard to marriage for years, and fears over remarrying since my own divorce.
I’ve had long discussions with friends recently over commitment in relationships, why we seem to be losing touch with our most fundamental values, how it is that Americans (especially) marry, divorce, remarry, divorce, and our familial landscape is littered with exes and children shuttling among a variety of step and blended families.
I say this as someone who understands the necessity of divorce, though the end of a marriage can be a terrible, life-altering event – more so for some of us than others, depending on circumstances. And I include our children in the casualty list.
In fact, for some of us, one divorce is one too many, and possibly – “no one expects marriage to last” rings true, if a bit cynical or at the very least, dramatic.
Reasons for Not Choosing to Marry
Interestingly, the statement I reference is found in an article on gay marriage. “Choosing to Say I Don’t” features the many reasons that same sex couples may say no thanks to one of our most cherished – or at least traditional – institutions.
Among the reasons cited by couples who were interviewed:
- Viewing the institution of marriage as outmoded and oppressive
- Not wanting the state involved in their private lives
- Avoiding the “marriage penalty” in some situations of taxation
- Having no “need” of marriage (if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it)
- Enjoying the role of being a nonconformist
Most of those interviewed were individuals who had lived together or apart, but as committed couples – for the long-term, with some together in the 30+ year range.
But the last reason given, which appears at the end of the article – no one expects marriage to last – strikes me as terribly sad. I struggle with this possibility, if it’s true. Certainly, divorce statistics lend it credence.
All Those Wanting to Marry, Please Say “I Do”
While there are no stats to support that claim – it’s an opinion, after all – Pew Research data does reflect that
60 percent of lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender adults are married or said they wanted to marry, compared with 76 percent of the general public.
“The general public.” That’s an interesting and ambiguous term. Does that mean as compared to “the general public without knowing or specifying their sexual orientation?”
Setting aside this somewhat strange comparison, like many of us, I am concerned for the American family. Does “family” require the bonds of marriage? Is family more likely to stick together through hard times if marriage is part of the bargain, and the rather onerous prospect of divorce (messy, costly, embarrassing, drawn out) just might encourage them to work a little harder and longer to improve what’s gone awry?
Is Marriage Necessary to the Survival of Family?
I’m uncertain as to whether or not I believe that the public and legal nature of exchanging marriage vows keeps adults working harder – or longer – on their relationship. Frankly, I just don’t know.
If an adult wants to leave, he or she will leave – married or not. But I suspect that the societal pressures of leaving when you’re actually married, not to mention the complexity financially and logistically, may keep some people standing by and present, trying a little harder and a lot longer. That begs the question of course – at what cost, personally or in terms of emotional health? And is just being there good enough?
A recent conversation I was involved in mentioned women in the workplace as a factor, however necessary given the reality of our economy. The person arguing that point believes that family is core to civilization, and that we must take back our time and focus previously spent on partners, children, and our extended family members.
Stay-At-Home-Moms vs. “Working” Women
The discussion then meandered into the lifestyle of the stay-at-home-mom and more importantly, her necessity – a recognition of the critical nature of raising children. Whether you believe this is a woman’s role or a parent’s role is to some degree beside the point; someone must raise and love the children.
I contend that the SAHM role is fine for those who want it (if they can afford it), fine for others at various stages (the child’s age, the parent’s age), fine in partial measure for many – or would be – if only the employment marketplace would offer greater flexibility to parents of either gender when it came to working for pay and participating in their children’s lives.
And those notations of “fine” consider the role of Stay-At-Home-Mom from the adult viewpoint. What about the child’s viewpoint? What child wouldn’t prefer a parent at home, especially when they’re little?
But these issues can’t be dissected without addressing workplace overload, job insecurity, along with lack of adequate healthcare, early childhood education, affordable and reliable childcare – the absence of which places enormous burdens of stress on families, whatever their configuration.
Social Ills as Marriage Factors?
What does this have to do with marriage?
Not much I suppose, if you’re of a certain (disappearing) stratum in American society, if you find ways to manage congruent careers, if you’re fortunate enough to have extended family to help, if you don’t view marriage as the “be all, end all” measure of success and acceptance in society, or – if you can form loving, responsible, committed relationships with or without legal or religious definitions of sanctity.
The structure of society – and let’s not ignore the pressure put on couples to marry – has everything to do with marriage if you intentionally bring children into the picture, while believing that commitment between you and your partner won’t last.
With or without “legal” marriage, when children are subjected to breakups, disruption, divided loyalties, lack of basic care as money disappears, and a dwindling sense of stability that family once provided – in my opinion, you’re looking at a culture that has lost its mind, not to mention its heart.
Our children are – or should be – our heart. And frankly, I don’t give a damn what age, ethnicity, or sexual orientation the parents are who raise them, or for that matter whether or not the commitment is legalized. I do care that the commitment be real and lasting – a “family unit.”
Our Legacies of Love for the Children
Are there children of divorce (or other breakups) that do well? Naturally.
Are there others that do not? We know that’s the case, too.
Is the preference of any child that their parents remain “happily” together? Don’t we know the answer to that?
Whether to divorce or “stay for the children” is one of those big questions we wrestle with. I’m not proposing staying for the children as the answer when splitting up is a healthier option. I know these are wrenching decisions, and may mean choosing between the lesser of two evils.
However, evaluating the reasons that couples choose not to marry ought to encourage us to carefully consider our priorities and our values. Likewise, we must look at our social institutions and their failings in the areas of caring for the poor, the infirm, the aging, and of course, our little ones. We need to acknowledge how stressed we all are, and how many of us are only a few lucky breaks away – or lack of them – from joining the ranks of the economically disenfranchised.
On Marriage, On Divorce
I don’t believe in sacrificing decades to the gods of misery for the benefit of a 30-year anniversary party. I am an “adult child of divorce” and I was relieved when my own parents finally dissolved their marriage. But nor do I believe in chasing the gods of personal happiness over respecting vows and responsibility. I’m not looking to oversimplify what are highly personal and complex situations, but marriage shouldn’t be entered into lightly, or divorce considered the easy exit when the going gets tough.
And I am not a fan of the contemporary “divorce celebration” that to my mind, represents a sad state of affairs if you’re feting the termination of a commitment in which you – and many others – once put so much faith.
But perhaps those who choose not to marry may teach us a few things about taking our time, about the everyday attentiveness of their relationships, about the children they do – or don’t – bring into their lives. Not everyone is made for parenthood, and it’s a long and arduous commitment, not for the faint of heart.
On Love
We can love a partner, married or not.
We can take our parenting roles as a sacred trust – single, married, or divorced.
Ultimately, we plant the seeds of mistrust in emotional intimacy when children live our broken relationships along with us. Our marred marriages are, after all, their family. We may divorce our spouses and in a way our lovers, but children can’t divorce the bonds to their parents.
Why people don’t marry? There are so many reasons. I say we should respect them and reflect on them, including what they mean for the future of our families.
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There’s much to chew on here. I think family structure can be built in many different ways, without marriage (which is defined as an institution, not very romantic or loving). Divorce changes a family yes, but children in intact families can suffer equally. We make our family over time if the one we were born to isn’t working…Family will always exist in different forms whether people choose to marry or not. Great post again, DA.
American culture is NOT BASED any longer on the family. It’s based on personal happiness which is fleeting. Unfortunately, capitalism ( money ) is the driving factor. Past generations had less money concerns, and less money which made those marriages more stable. Look all relationships are a roller coaster ride.
I can say with complete conviction that I did everything and then some to repair, improve, jump-start and enhance my marriage to avoid damages to our 3 kids after 20 years of marriage.
Raised by ‘old school’ parents who never would have approved of me living with a man outside of marriage, I avoided upsetting them by marrying shortly after I finished college. My daughters who are in their twenties now and much more open-minded are amazed at how I refused to confront my father about “living in sin.”
Although I stayed too long in my marriage due to so much fear and worrying about the kids, I have now started to truly trust my gut and not rely on other’s opinions of me to define my worth.
I don’t believe in sacrificing decades to the gods of misery to the benefit of a 30th anniversary party? Amen to that. And I swear I know some couples who must be holding out for that…any other reason I simply can’t imagine.
I have been married 28 years in JULY!
WE are happy and he is still VERY romantic and nice to me!
Of course, we have issues……..we grow apart, he works too much………we have had one vacation together in 28 years! He is EUROPEAN………old school.
It’s so easy to just “GIVE UP”and cave in. Easy for me to say as I have not been there. The family life………..HA what is that today?? Everyone on their cell phones at dinner….. are we all sitting down at the table with the napkin on our laps………..NO! Something has to change………and it will but I doubt in my life time! I actually feel sorry for our kids………. growing up in this social media stuff! They can chat away on their phones but eye to eye…………there is no chat! IT’s a lost art!
What child wouldn’t prefer a stay-at-home-Mum?
No sane child would do that, once they start kindergarten. They don’t need it. Me and most of my parents grew up like that. It was natural (I’m not American.) And you know what? None of us did anything wrong. No shoplifting, teen pregnancy or bad grades. In high school, there was a stay-at-home-Mum – her son did well at school, but once he was out of the house, he started using drugs and couldn’t finish University. He is so seriously damaged he can’t work.
For the others, though, the working Mum gave an example. Also, we learned how to deal with our time alone. If there is someone breathing on your neck all the time, you’ll be just waiting for “your time” – and not know what to do with it when it comes.