“Before we were married, we were the best of friends,” he says.
I’m watching an indie film, only paying partial attention, and the scene is a husband and wife at the end of their divorce. He wanted out, had an affair to seal the deal, she’s devastated and eventually has an affair of her own, which helps her path toward self-discovery.
As the two part, you can see the ease they have in talking, absent the animosity and even the marriage.
As she leaves the restaurant where they’re meeting briefly, she says to her now ex: “Thank you for ending our marriage… because I wasn’t happy with you, and I would never have ended it myself.”
The film is called “Hello I Must Be Going.” It’s delightful and reflects a variety of relationships – Boomer parents, long married; the young couple I mention (30ish); an older woman-younger man relationship; several deceptive parental relationships.
Kris and Bruce Jenner. Really.
And now to Kris and Bruce Jenner.
Strange segue?
Maybe. Maybe not.
I don’t typically follow the doings of the Kardashians and clan, though it’s virtually impossible to be unaware of their presence, their 10 children between the two families, and their (estimated) $125million “brand.”
News of the separation of Kris and Bruce after 22 years of marriage, confirmed this week, is impossible to miss.
I find myself wondering if there are lessons in this for the rest of us. I find myself confused but not upset – confused because they are best friends apparently, yet they’re happier living apart – at this stage.
Quoting Kris Jenner as follows, you will understand the heart of both sentiments – confusion and consolation:
“We will always be the best of friends, because that’s the dynamic of our relationship. We definitely get along as a family and with the kids. We’re so connected in that way. We love each other.”
I’m struggling with this. And liking it. And struggling with it.
Great Love – Founded on Friendship?
Is great love founded on friendship? Passion? Trust? Some combination?
Must every love be “great” love? Whether it’s of the poetry-inspiring sort for the short or long-term, don’t we usually assume that if friendship is present, as long as passion doesn’t falter indefinitely, the relationship will endure?
We talk about the importance of a foundation of friendship. 22 years of marriage, blending two families, the shenanigans of a very public life albeit invited by them… If this couple still cares for one another, if they still operate – all of them and extended family – as a close knit family unit, does it matter that they’re happier living a few miles apart? How many of us – after 10 years or 20 years or 40 years with a partner would choose to live next door or around the block if it were an option? Staying friends, occasionally lovers, but having a clearly separate space?
Are the expectations we put on anyone – for monogamy, for maintaining their status as both friends and lovers, for trucking through the years under the same roof – simply too much?
I am also reminded of the articles in various press outlets on Living Apart Together. I mused on this (most recently) about a month back. Do some of us need more space than others? Can we live, love, co-parent, laugh together, play together and give each other space?
A Room of One’s Own… Or a House
How do we know when that space is too great? How do we know when we’re giving just enough and not too much, or for that matter, too little? How much of this equation depends on the complexity of work-family logistics, on growing older, on growing tired of compromises or “wanting to do what you want to do when you want to do it?” –
This doesn’t mean there’s no love for the other person, but it’s as if some balance of time and energy has been tipped and everything changes.
I’m thinking of Bruce Jenner with his Malibu house (and lifestyle), and some apparent need to take that space. Don’t we all need our space?
I’m thinking of friends, friendship, mutual respect, laughter. These qualities are supposed to keep people together, and the Jenners – if we believe what we’re being told in the media – possess these qualities in their relationship and yet they prefer to live apart. Are they living apart – together – in their own way?
At any age or stage, as in the movie “Hello I Must Be Going,” are we saying heartfelt and non-confrontational goodbyes, thank yous, and hellos simultaneously?
Image of Jean-Louis Trintignant and Anouk Aimée, Wiki, licensed under CC 1.0, Public Domain via Les Films 13
Image of Jenners, Pasadena, CA, January 5, 2011, BigStockPhoto.
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All spin and PR. Don’t use them as an example. All phony and about the money and TV show. Here in Los Angeles everyone knows the truth of this couple. They are not friends, their family is totally split up and continue to pretend.
I could only imagine some spin… Normal, no?
The question of friendship that gets strained in marriage is no less interesting, as well as relationships that require more space over time.
I’m not going to lie…I struggled with this post. I have issues with couples who claim they love each other and are friends, yet divorce is the result. The only explanation I can come up with is that the “passion” has waned and, if they’re honest, they’re really looking for the next big thrill. I think this happens all to often. Couples think marriage is always going to feel as sexually exciting as it did in that first newlywed year when, in fact, is never does 15, 20 or 50 years down the road. Not to say it’s worse, just different. And if that’s all you think marriage is about, it’s easy to part ways when the bloom is off the rose. I believe there are other ways to achieve our “space” without waling away from a commitment and breaking up a family.
Even if a lot of the Jenner story is “spin” as Madge suggests, I struggle with this as well. I will make a distinction between the marriage without children and the one with, however – as my own opinion is that if something significant is missing or off and there aren’t kids in the picture, you’re not inflicting collateral damage – or at least – not as much.
Of course, every marriage story (and divorce story) is different. But like you, Lisa, I see marriage as the creation of a family unit. And I also think we can create space for each other without breaking up a family.
No doubt, there’s plenty more here that we’ll never know…
I’m with you, I think love is founded on friendship first. It’s when you become courteous roommates that you need to decide if that is all you want from the relationship and to honestly end it. BTW BLW, when I saw the title, the crazy Lennon fan in me thought of the lyrics to “In My Life”, weird how three words can be claimed by a song.
Not so weird, batticus. I thought of Lennon this week as well, since his birthday was on the 9th.
The roommate thing… A whole other discussion, and my feigns vary, all things being equal, on whether or not there are still kids at home… And other factors. When faced with that dilemma (and its reasons), then you’re dealing with highly individual and personal decisions as to what you do, or don’t do…
I wonder where the commitment is to the marriage? This coming from someone who divorced her husband after 26 years of marriage – but there was no getting along anymore. And I find my need for space and alone time/together time waxes and wanes. His does too. And over my adult years and friendships, I’ve known all kinds of arrangements – and if they work – who’s to say it’s not right or crazy? Friends and lovers? We shift between and within the two all the time – and are lucky if both have a commitment and sense of loyalty.