Have you ever been coerced into abandoning your cell? Or gently encouraged to do so at a social gathering? Were you miffed? Resigned? Are you more inclined to forfeit the reassurance of your digital devices when you see groups of people paying more attention to tiny screens than each other?
Apparently, I’ve missed this trend – “phone stacks” – dropping the smartphone into a glass bowl at the request of the host or hostess.
That may say something about my appropriate manners when it comes to putting away the phone when I’m out, or the absence of encountering this phenomenon is proof of one-on-one socializing and little “group engagement.” This is in part because I’m typically tied to my, you know… hardware. Laptop at the ready. Smartphone in hand. Emails here, social media there.
Just Say No (Or Text It)
When I read “Step Away From the Phone!” on the Times, I was aware that I’ve begun doing exactly that – limiting my smartphone usage – in my own small way.
I no longer sleep with my laptop in bed, much less in view.
In fact, I shut. it. down.
I don’t want those blinking lights while I’m trying to sleep! As for the cell, I turn off the volume, I turn it over, and while it’s easily accessible, it’s not enticing me to pick it up – even if I wake in the night with a paragraph floating through my head.
While I may have initiated that bedtime routine on my own, apparently some may need convincing. “The More You Text, The Less You Sleep,” appearing in The Mail UK, points out that those who text before bed are more stressed and suffer a worse night’s sleep. But that’s not all:
U.S. researchers found that people who send the most texts experience the most sleep problems… a higher number of daily texts was associated with more sleep problems…
The study also found that frequent text messaging is associated with more friendship-related stress…
Phones Provide Partial Information
None of this is surprising when you think about it. Relying on text (like email), we lose the nuance of voice and gesture, which makes resolution of conflict far more difficult. In fact, any nuance of tone is more difficult to discern, even among old pals.
We easily make assumptions in reading a text that lead to misunderstanding. We feel pressured to respond immediately, though we’re physically with family or friends. We allow texts to interrupt our “real world” activities.
We’ve blurred the boundaries not only between workplace and home life, but group time and one-on-one time, not to mention – we sacrifice the sanctity of evening to wind down, and eventually, sleep.
Perhaps we should all adopt a “phone stack” policy in our homes, whereby spouses, partners, kids and teens all put their devices on the “off” position and pile them on the kitchen table.
Remember Being Unavailable?
Is it really so terrible to be unavailable? Remember unavailable? Wasn’t it a good thing at times?
Has it really been so few years since the days when everyone wasn’t staring at a small hand-held device, or plugged into it while commuting, while eating, while exercising? What happened to the fascination of checking out your fellow passengers on the subway? What about actually noticing the beauty of a brilliant fall day, gazing at the clear sky and the colorful foliage?
My kids were among the last of their friends to get cell phones. I was against it in principle, seeing no reason for it – in terms of cost or usefulness. I yielded that position when schedules and single parent juggling required it. Then, it was a matter of both logistical necessity and convenience.
It’s the convenience aspect we’ve lost sight of. Our devices have become an intrusion, an assumption of 24/7 accessibility, everything of equal urgency in our ain’t-got-no-patience society.
Rethinking, Recalibrating, Redressing…
Given the nature of the work I do – tied to news items and to social media, my smartphone and online activities are an essential element of what pays the bills. That doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy these activities – I do – but I try not to lose perspective.
So I’m rethinking that phone stack, my texting habits throughout the day (generally work), and recalling that I sometimes read articles on my smartphone – while walking.
That last? I’m going to cut it out. And I certainly plan on shutting off and stowing my devices when it’s time to sleep. After all, in personal or professional life, doesn’t setting boundaries make us more effective?
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Staying connected is my biggest challenge in protecting family time from the creeping demands of work.
I try to remind myself that I do not work in a nuclear power plant, and that it’s ok to take a while to respond to people.
Leslie Perlow wrote an interesting book “sleeping with your smartphone” about the troubles you describe plus how one company took the initiative and started limiting their employees’ use of phones/internet after work hours.
Limiting employees’ usage after hours, Scott? Wow. Ambitious.
I’m getting better about not overdoing it on the technology. Like you, I rely on the Internet and social media for work so I can’t unplug entirely, but I am trying to be better about stowing my phone when I am with my kids and checking in less often on the weekends when they’re home from school. I also moved my phone charger from my bedside table to the kitchen so that it’s out of sight (and sometimes even out of mind) when it’s time for bed.
As for those middle of the night paragraphs? I find a notecard (à la Anne Lamott) and good ol’ fashioned pen do the trick quite nicely. 😉
A pen and paper indeed, Kristen! By the bed… 🙂
I am way more attached to my laptop…but like you I am making myself shut it down every night and I want a quiet time without it before I go to bed. I heard in my friend circles here that a problem with the phone stack events is that some people are walking away with the wrong cell phone. I can easily eat a meal without it, and I get really annoyed when people cannot. Between classes, before the day and after high school students are glued and I mean glued to their phones. I really think that is a HUGE reason why they seem to be more tired than when I first began to teach.
This has been foremost on my mind lately, as I find myself attached to my phone at every waking moment. I see that in others, and it makes me twitch. When people no longer make eye contact to talk. When kids are constantly yelling at parents to “look at me” because their parents are looking at their phones. And sadly, I’ve become one of them. And I don’t like it. This post, along with several others that I’ve encountered recently, has made me self aware and more than that, is inspiring me to act. Put my foot down. Well, actually, put my *phone* down and live in the now with my family… technology is a wonderful thing until it gets in the way of living. Truly living.
I love my computer and the technology that allows me to SEE and speak with my daughter, who is on the other coast, several times a week via Skype. I love email and the ability to make arrangements to visit a friend in another state with several rapid fire emails back and forth (accomplished this morning). I love the smart phone my employer has given me – for work calls only, but all the apps are there at my disposal. I love being able to find information – music, authors, films – at the touch of a finger.
But I hate people being connected to these devices at the expense of interacting with the people they are actually with.
I remember a father with child in hand, on a walk, talking in his cell. I see couples in a cafe, having lunch together, each on their own phone. I see people out walking together, one or both, on the phone. Seems like everyone puts their phone on the restaurant table as soon as they sit down, phone at the ready, just in case someone more important than their dining companion happens to call.
I don’t think I would go so far as to having a bowl for visitors to drop their phones into. I would expect my visitors to be respectful in that regard, and so far, I haven’t had a problem – until a family (family who visits one week a year) incident over the Summer that makes me think it’s not such a bad idea. First a dinner together (not at my home) where the phones went off repeatedly. Then, 3 cousins in the same house (mine), all teenagers, and they were all in different rooms, connected to their phones or computers. I was not proud of my meltdown, but they got the message. I even had a talk with my sister in law about her constant use of her phone. What made me more irate was the fact that some years prior, I answered a work call when we were all together (yes, on my vacation) and these same family members gave me flack to the point of rudeness. But somewhere along the way the rules have changed. Work calls? Friend calls? Boyfriend calls? They answer them all. At the expense of who they are actually with.
I teach a class on life balance through the study of Mussar, and one of the things we do every class is pass around a Nike “just do it” box where we deposit our phones. Everyone had a very strong emotional reaction the first time we did it. Now it’s part of the routine, a welcome respite from even having to think about the ole ball n chain.
“A welcome respite.” Something we all need, Greg, to be at our best in our various roles. Good stuff.
Most folks recognize this issue. I’ve avoided a smart (as in “dumb”) phone so far. Backpacking gets you away from it. Still think I spend too much time online, but it can be very useful at times (what “times” is the issue). We’re off to a weekend mushroom foray this weekend, so that should be a good break. Of course, Fran will use hers as a compass and locator. The trails were put in before GPS, so that is what causes the problems — trails often not where they appear on maps.
I forgot to mention texting. At the above dinner, the text beep would go off and that person would slyly read the text and text again. Several people at dinner doing this. They were having conversations with people who were not even there, and not participating in relating to the people who were.
Case made for phone stack right there, Lunaboogie.
I am regarded as a dinosaur by many because I have declined to get a smartphone. And my cell phone summons never take precedence over what is going on in my non-virtual life (unless I hear the ring that indicates an emergency with my husband or one of our adult children). Occasionally, these “limitations” cause inconvenience, but it is worth it to me because I get to live in the actual world around me. Being on the computer for my work is quite enough, so I limit recreational computer use to reading a very few blogs and emailing my faraway kids and faraway friends. The Internet is a fantastic resource, but to me it is critical not to allow it to replace my being present where I actually am. For what it’s worth…
“Living in the actual world…”
I’d say that’s worth a lot, Leslie. 🙂
Phone stacks? Love the idea in a home. I’m afraid I’m slow to the technology/social media table. I know my limits. While I love the advantages of technology – it comes at a price if it becomes too intrusive. And yes – never at the expense of real, live people around us. Touch. Eye contact. A smile. Really listening. Really being there. Conversation. Amen, sister, amen!
My daughter started to notice my increased cell phone usage and it has me thinking, “Do I really need my phone all the time? And what will I miss if I am not checking it every moment?” Your post comes at a time when I must consider going on a technology diet. A number of commenters have made mention that living exists in the actual world and not in the “virtual” terrain. I completely agree and am going to make some wholesale changes to try to live by this philosophy.
Someone mentioned moderation, if I remember correctly – somewhere in this or a related discussion. To me, Rudri, that is one of the prevailing issues. Moderation and balance, and of course moderation allows us greater likelihood of balance. More easily said than done, right? 🙂