Yes, no, maybe. Setting boundaries is more complicated than giving or denying permission. It’s when, how, how much. And communicating in ways that work.
We think of setting boundaries with toddlers and young children who test our limits, as is natural at various stages. Adolescents test limits as well, and ‘no’ is often the response we give and they don’t like.
Not long ago, one of my sons asked for something I couldn’t give. I was too preoccupied, too stressed, too tired to take on one more worry.
I didn’t want to say no. I wanted to say yes though everything in me was screaming don’t do it, don’t agree to it, it’s too much – even as I was running through the options in my head, and the choices – yes, no, maybe… If only…
So I set boundaries. I didn’t say no to my son, but I laid out a number of conditions for my yes, were I to give it, which I hoped would clarify the reasons that combined to make for very poor timing.
Conditions: if this, then that, and that, and that. The details are unimportant, but the list of conditions was eactly what I needed to specify. Desperately.
He withdrew his request.
I would like nothing more than to push a key on my phone and talk to him, smile as I say “yes, of course, it’s fine,” be the good mother as I envision her, happy to do what seems like a small thing (to him). I know that my yes would give him pleasure.
But it’s not that simple.
Life, for some of us, is not that simple.
I am still feeling conflicted, wanting what he wants (for both of us) and saddened that I hurt his feelings at a moment when he has earned some fun, relaxation, and even – celebration.
To him, I can only imagine the request could not have seemed difficult, yet I’m not able to facilitate what he would like, in the way that he would like.
I know myself well. If I gave in to a “yes” without the conditions, I would set aside what I need – for what he wants.
The distinction between need and want is important here.
And I feel guilty. Terribly guilty, though this is old guilt, guilt I am familiar with, single parent guilt that is relived periodically and it does indeed stem from years of what I could not give versus what I can, and do, and always will, which is love.
The guilt persists, though I know these are necessary boundaries. I will talk to my son, try to explain, and hope he understands.
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At the other end of the spectrum, did you see the article yesterday about the father who encouraged his young adult daughter to go out and have a “bleeping” good time ?
Ha! Robert, If you’re talking about the Good Men Project and the “Dear Daughter” letter, yes, I saw it and applaud the author for the stance he takes – no small thing for any parent, and likely much more difficult for fathers relative to their daughters. He wants her to know the joys of her sexuality. Naturally, he wants her emotionally and physically safe. But imagine if more young women were raised to feel that this vital part of life is theirs to enjoy? Responsibly of course. But if that’s what you’re referring to, I consider it a gift.
It’s one of the three articles in “Girl Gaps” that I referred to.
(I loved that “Dear Daughter” letter :-))
Boundaries – ugh, my lifelong battle. With regard to children, I actually want to be able to say “no” to my child more often. We’re in a privileged position in which there is one child for two adults; between my husband and me and our flexibility with work we’re nearly always able to grant what our child wants. It lessens the guilt of having to deny him his wishes, but it increases my fears that I am raising an entitled child or overly privileged child, and I need to consciously create opportunities for him to earn certain things or for him to see things from another person’s point of view. My parents were forced to say No to me all the time – they were lacking in time, opportunity and resources. But I’m convinced it made me a better person. I learned to live without, or to wait, or to figure out a way to make things happen for myself.
I also learned to see my parents’ side of things, and this enabled me to want to take care of them, because I could see their hardships. I don’t know the exact details of the situation you talked about in your post, but I’m hoping this perspective helps, to relieve some of the guilt. I know my parents tried their hardest under the circumstances and I know they loved me beyond measure, and for this I never felt wanting for anything. I don’t doubt that your sons feel this as well.
C, To your point on creating opportunities for your son to earn what he wants – I think that’s terrific, and vitally important. Before divorce, when money wasn’t the issue that it has been since, both kids had to “earn” certain things they wanted. My elder, for example, wanted a camera when he was six. A real camera. We found one he could use that cost $80. I told him he had to earn half the money, and then he could get it. He was a very enterprising six-year-old! He got himself various “jobs” that paid small amounts and included stamping envelopes, vacuuming, and doing a variety of chores. He eventually earned the $40, and then we went out and got that camera.
This is just one example that any parent can put into practice. I was raised with “you want it, you earn it,” and I don’t think that’s a bad thing.
As for my son and this situation, I hope he’ll understand.
There have been a lot of “no’s” for my daughter this Summer – no week in Ashland seeing Shakespeare plays, no to the I phone, no to outfitting her for the equestrian team at college – mostly due to me not working for 2 1/2 months because of surgery and the money issue. But there is also the issue of giving our children every thing they wish for. I have rarely said no to an experience that I know will bring joy to my child, especially when it is a simple thing (like sending her an Archie’s comic book at college, or a word puzzle on a postcard, or even fresh ruby grapefruit that she can’t get at her school). But some of these were outside my comfort zone. Yes, horseback riding is exercise, and subsidized by the school, but it is an extracurricular. And the phone – I struggled with that one. Yup, everybody has one, but I don’t. We still have a land line at home, and trac phones for shopping and traveling. She stepped up and bought her own phone and wrangled a checking account with no fees from the credit union so she can stop asking me for my credit card and then paying me back. She bought her own riding boots and helmet (even on sale they were expensive) and found herself a decent paying job for the Summer to afford these.
In my heart, I would want to give her anything her heart desires, but it is not possible financially, and certainly would do her a disservice in the long run. I have enjoyed watching her accept our limits and make her own priorities and take responsibility for what she wants and needs. And she gets it, our struggle with what makes sense and what we can afford.
I am remembering a middle school trip 7 years ago she took to England for a literary tour. Oh, how she wanted to go. We made a deal, wanting it to truly be an educational trip. So she prepared by reading novels by Dickens, the Brontes, Jane Austin. She read some of the Canterbury tales and memorized a Wordsworth poem. She read a Shakespeare play and then we went to see it. She set up a reading schedule for herself for the 6 months prior to the trip. We ended up all of us reading these, most out loud.
Love Lunaboogie’s comment. Kids need to have some skin in the game – even if you don’t need them to contribute. It’s part of, like she so eloquently put it, letting kids accept their parent’s limits and make their own priorities – taking responsibility for what they want and need. Isn’t that what adults have to do all the time?
I feel sure your son understands. Seems you and your boys have a great relationship. But I get the guilt. Don’t know the specifics of your particular situation here, but I do know that the times we have to tell our kids no, especially to money, rank high on the parent guilt list.
Lunaboogie is one wise woman! And I talked to him, Barbara. He says he understands. (Doesn’t make it easier though. You’re right about that.)
Then there is the flip side to this. Saying yes, always. Or not even make them ask or work toward a goal.
Give give give because then they are temporarily happy and won’t bother the parent. The parent has way too much other stuff to deal with. I’m involved with a family dynamic like this. The kids are all adults now, none of them have ever had a real job, one has already died from a drug overdose after years of being on drugs. One has been taking methadone for 30 years and now his 2 adult kids are following him, they never even finished middle school. The good son, now 40, got married 2 years ago, adopted 2 kids and then had twins, all in the same year, the wife is an attorney…but the man has no idea how to make a living, so he comes home to papa every other day hoping there is a handout. For me, this is crippling our kids. I am so proud of you and what you wrote. It is damn difficult to be a good parent. Sometimes saying no is definitely for their own benefit later on in life.
Boundaries are hard to learn or hear for everyone but must be found.