I’m trying hard to be one of the good guys.
I know that the two most important things I’ll ever be are husband and father, so I take great care to, as best I can, align my actions with my priorities. My wife, Amy, and I both “walk the walk” in being supportive partners to each other and kick-ass parents to our 8-year-old son, Nick. I also try to be a good guy in the other parts of my life.
And I talk about it.
I’m a professor at a business school who teaches MBA students the importance of being good, employee-oriented supervisors, and how they can develop and enact more humane, flexible and family-friendly workplace policies.
I write a blog to help dads better balance work and family. My goal is to help men think through and articulate their priorities, to be more present and involved fathers, and to be brave at work by refusing to compromise on family responsibilities.
I write for The Good Men Project, which is aimed at creating a conversation, ideas and resources to encourage more men to be good men. I also write at a few other outlets trying to get good dads the respect and support they deserve.
Fathers as Depicted in the Media
When I see fathers denigrated by the New York Times and Clorox, or see dads’ family contributions minimized by Amazon and Huggies, I tend to get riled up. When I see books like “All Men Are Jerks” and “The End of Men” not only taken seriously but also applauded, I really get pissed off. I find myself wanting to scream, “Men are really trying to be both good fathers and still be manly-men providers, and they’re working so much harder at this than prior generations…”
And then seemingly every week, I see something like this – Former football player leaves 3 year old girl alone in a car to go to strip club – and it hits me.
Not all dads are like those I know, working incredibly hard to be good men and better fathers. We see too many men who aren’t good guys – they don’t treat women well, they don’t treat coworkers or employees well, they don’t treat their kids well.
The sad truth is this. A lot of men are Jerks. Jerk bosses, Jerk boyfriends, Jerk husbands, Jerk fathers, Jerks.
And they ruin it for the rest of us.
It is harder to get mad at Huggies when they run ads poking fun at the presumed incompetence and negligence of dads when there actually are guys who refuse to take the 10 minutes required to learn how to change a diaper. It is harder to get mad at “doofus dad” humor that tells boys and girls that they shouldn’t expect much of men when some dads do the incredibly stupid things they do.
I can’t control what other adult men do. But I may be able to improve the situation going forward.
When boys behave badly, we chalk it up to “boys being boys.” But if we do, we risk accepting future poor behavior as “men being men.”
Kids are sponges, and they learn far more from what we do than what we say. We have to be super-careful about how we act around them so we are role models as good men, and encourage them to stay on that path.
How to Model the Behaviors We Want
It seems to me most jerkish male behavior comes from an inability to:
- control anger
- admit error
- relate to women as equals
Here are some things I try to do (I don’t always succeed) in raising my son to not be a jerk. For now, I will focus on the first two because the third deserves a full article unto itself.
1. I am careful about expressing anger in front of my son
We all get angry.
When the idiot in the luxury-brand SUV cuts me off as if he’s trying to kill me, I want to blow a gasket, yell obscenities, and flip the a-hole off. If my son’s in the car, I don’t.
When the little-league umpire who is taking the game too seriously makes a bad call, I want to chirp my disagreement at the ump or worse) – especially when Nick is upset that he’s out because of a bad call. But I don’t. Instead I bite my tongue, pull Nick aside, explain that while I don’t agree with the ump, we have to respect his decision, and hey, life’s not always fair.
I can’t always catch myself before getting angry. But I try, and I hope my son sees and learns from this.
2. I apologize to my son
I’m the authority figure and senior partner in the relationship with my son. But that doesn’t mean I’m never wrong. Sometimes I’m too short with Nick when I’m stressed out. Sometimes I get too focused on writing or work to be present with him.
But when I catch myself in the wrong, I don’t just brazen my way through or dismiss Nick’s feelings. I get down to his eye level, and I apologize. I explain why I was wrong and why I won’t do it again.
Through my example, I hope that Nick will learn to take responsibility for his mistakes, and to treat people with respect even when he is the one in the position of power.
3. Relating to women as equals
As mentioned, this topic warrants a long discussion, so look forward to more to come.
I know that all men are not good guys. But I’m trying to be a good man, I’m trying to raise my son to be a good man, and we need to talk about these issues. I know a lot of other guys who are also trying hard. Hopefully, in the next generation, we can cure the world of jerks, one son at a time.
© Scott Behson
Scott Behson, PhD, is a Professor of Management at Fairleigh Dickinson University, a busy involved dad, and an overall grateful guy. He runs Fathers, Work, and Family.com, a blog dedicated to helping fathers better balance work and family, and encouraging more supportive workplaces. He also writes on work and family issues for The Good Men Project, an online men’s magazine. He lives in Nyack, NY with his lovely wife, Amy, and awesome son, Nick. Contact him on Twitter (@ScottBehson), Facebook, LinkedIn or email.
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Hi All-
First, thanks DA for the opportunity to write here at DPOC.
Second, please let me know what you think- I’m new here, so I’d like as much feedback as I can from the DPOC readership.
Delighted to have you here, Scott. Looking forward to the discussion.
I am thrilled to read this article and follow your FB page, and other bloggers that speak up about a dad’s perspective of family. I definitely think its a needed voice.
I would like to question or inquire how you perceive that there is such noticeable occurrences of presenting fathers negatively? You gave a few example of fathers in the media. You also spoke about dads working and doing more in this generation than the previous. It almost sounds like you are perceiving involved and engaged fathers/husbands as a rarity. A rarity that is somehow not treated or seen fairly.
If so, the perception doesn’t quite meet the ‘poor dad’ level, considering the battle women have gone through with fighting off generations of stereotypes and inequality in the workforce, and to mention the not so thoughtful design of FMLA. And of course this is not a comparison or competition between men and women or fathers and mothers.
My husband is one of the great dads who is just a dad doing what dads are supposed to do. I celebrate, encourage, brag and dote on my committed, and very present husband/father. But I definitely don’t see him as a guy who gets a poor media image because of what other poor decision-making fathers have done.
This may not have been your complete aim of your article, but this what I walked away with. I hope I was able to share my thoughts on the article without being negative or discouraging.
I am open to any feedback, as I may have missed other points. Thanks for your time!
Thank you, Leslie for reading, commenting and the support!
I see involved fathers making a huge effort to both provide and care for their families all the time. I don’t see this reflected in popular media at all. I usually don’t care too much about it, but the recent NYTimes, Huggies and Clorox depictions were astoundingly offensive (a quick google search will make this clear), so they stuck out in my mind.
I hope this piece did not come off as “poor dad”. As a straight, Christian, able-bodied American white male, I am very aware of the privileged position I am in. I agree that women face many more and more difficult barriers. Many others are better positioned to write about those issues.
But this isn’t a competition. Men do face some barriers more than women- there are harsher penalties for violating proscribed gender roles, more stigma about visibly prioritizing family over career, more pressure to be the primary provider (despite the skewed headlines, the recent Pew study finds that 85% of dual-parent households rely on the dad’s income as sole or primary) and so choose lucrative work over less stressful or psychologically rewarding work, etc.
Ultimately, I think we’d all like to see a society in which both men and women are freer to live closer to their priorities and values, with fewer societal and corporate barriers. We’re all on the same side.
My primary outlets are my blog and the Good Men Project, so most of my writing speaks to this male point of view. Writing here will be a learning process considering the different emphasis and readership. I thank you for the feedback.
Leslie, Thank you so much for joining this conversation, and helping to welcome Scott. If I may jump in on the FMLA remark, and dust off my years in and around Human Resources issues, I couldn’t agree more with you that FMLA is poorly designed.
For one thing, family leave eligibility is problematic. (“Eligible employees” of “covered employers” leaves millions of us out in the cold due to organizations employing less than 50 people, insufficient tenure with an employer, contractor status, etc. See this Department of Labor brief.)
The fact that FMLA is unpaid – and let’s just look at the case of parental leave – is seriously problematic. Don’t we need more money once Baby Makes Three?
I certainly understand that small employers cannot bear the cost (much less the outrageous recordkeeping burdens) of FMLA. However, what about those of us working for small employers? Does that mean we can’t have kids? We can’t care for ailing elder parents, much less get sick ourselves – and still have a job?
I’ll stop there (for now), and suggest that the problem is a broader political, economic, and cultural one. If we look to other industrialized countries, these social “benefits” are not tied to an employer, but rather, provided as a civilized society and thus accessible to a broader group of people (ie families). Yes, there is a cost to bear. There is always a cost to bear. But we tend not to look at the opportunity costs, much less the other costs to society when we put our mothers and fathers at such a disadvantage in the workforce as soon as they start a family.
These regulatory / cultural issues aside, one of the reasons I’m so pleased to have Scott here is that he teaches and researches on these topics of family and work. He is ideally positioned to assist a new generation of men and women in understanding that family and work needn’t be “either / or.” We need to train managers who understand the long term benefits of organizational structures and policies that foster quality contributions, productivity, and allow for a viable family life. I will add that we need more female leadership to stand up and make changes in ways that are inclusive of both sexes and our children. I am making an assumption and a generalization with that statement, that women, being the ones typically compromising more and carrying the greater childcare / eldercare burdens, are better positioned to understand the critical nature of this sort of change.
Aw, shucks, DA.
and you are right- this is what I teach, research, work with businesses with, and blog about.
On a related note, I believe that the paid parental leave models we see in New Jersey, California and Rhode Island would be a MUCH better system- essentially akin to how disability insurance is handled. I’ll have a piece up on my blog about this next week.
Well done. The key is to remember that we do the best we can, and through our actions try to make everyone else better without pushing.
“and an overall grateful guy”
That is the missing link… gratitude. Most fathers have an understanding of the benefits they will one day receive from the effort to be “good” men and fathers. Jerks place no value on one day being able to look at their children and say, “job well done.”
I remember trying to negotiate expenses for our older son’s college education with my ex. His main concern was what his return would be on his monetary investment in his child’s education. When I told him he would earn his son’s respect, trust and admiration, he laughed. “I can’t take that to the bank” he said.
Good men teach their children what to do, jerks teach their children what NOT to do. That is the way it has been for my children anyway.
Cathy, “gratitude” is a wonderful point. How easy it is for us all to take certain things for granted, certain “givens” that aren’t given at all, especially when it comes to healthy, well-adjusted children. Not only is part of that luck of the draw, but it’s also a consistent and twenty-year commitment (for most of us) to what is both joyful and, at times, excruciating work.
To view children via their ROI is very sad. I can only hope that more men and women talk and listen, exploring each others’ points of view, the more we can learn and do better by our kids.
I’m sorry for your experience with your ex.
And I agree that gratitude is the key. I have worked hard and made many good decisions to get where I am in life. However, a LOT is outside of my control. Nick is healthy and bright. I did nothing to earn that. I met Amy on a blind date- talk about outside factors shaping my life- and she has made my life so full and rich. I have a good job, with a good employer and good colleagues- I didn’t control most of that.
I try to make time every day to count my blessings. It’s just a better frame of mind to be in.
Thanks for reading and for your comment!
Hi Scott, and welcome to DPOC. I appreciated reading about your experiences and the three behaviors you strive to model for your son. I especially appreciate your point about teaching your son to talk through anger rather than expressing it as rage. I think our culture still does a poor job teaching our sons that no feeling is wrong, but how we express our feelings can be. My wish is that all boys – all kids, really – had the chance to have a dad who modeled this important lesson for them.
It’s a subtle distinction, isn’t it, about anger. I don’t believe anger can be controlled, nor should we try. It flares up, it’s gone, just like that. Behavior when angry, what we express and to whom and how, is another matter. But the feelings come first. In our house we let anger be, which sometimes means a lot of noise. Then we focus on what’s appropriate behavior and what isn’t–which usually has to do with respecting other people, their feelings and limits–lessons I want to teach my son. I find it all too easy to manage anger, and I mistrust myself doing this because it has more to do with my fear of anger than anything else–a lesson I don’t want to teach.
That’s a very perceptive point you make.
My wife and I do try to tell Nick that he can feel any way he feels, and that’s ok. But he cannot act in certain ways. (e.g., he can be angry at me for making him shut off the Wii for dinnertime, but he cannot yell or be pissy for 30 minutes because of it).
It annoys me as well that those who are acting poorly seem to be the ones that are held up as the example – as in look that’s how men are. Those of us who are doing our best to fill the two roles you note are often thought of as the minority.
I totally agree. There are so many more good guys than bad guys.
One of the things I try to do in my work is to let busy involved dads know that they are not alone in working really hard to be good guys, and that many media portrays are unfair.
Kudos to you especially for preaching it to your students at MBA. Cheryl Sandburg said as much: one of the most important decisions for a woman about her career is to find a partner that will truly share. Share 50 50. And not you do the daily housework, I handle the big things if they come up.
Now I’m kind of depressed… it’s a sore point and source of contention. My husband argues that since we have a cleaning lady, his job is done.
Hey A of A, what if you showed your Hubby Scott’s article – and his site?
Thanks for the comment. I would add that sharing =/= 50%/50%. IMO, that is actually a somewhat dangerous mindset. I think a better way is to think of it as teamwork- sometimes one teammate does more than the other, depending situation and on the ebbs and flows of each person’s demands. If, over time, both partners do their fair (not necessarily equal) share, you don’t have to keep a mental tally- and down that road anger and madness lie.
(I think you sparked an idea for my next piece here!)
Kudos! Fantastic work, Scott. Thanks for being a role model and teaching these important skills to other men. Parenting is something we all work at, both men and women.
Thanks, Lisa!!!
Great article and you sound like a wonderful husband and dad!
Chuck spent his time as a jerk, fortunately it did not last and we have rebuilt. But one thing he has always been good with is chores around the house. He vacuums! (I’m typing that with a big grin because I hate vacuuming!) I like kitchen work and he does Oh so much of the other work. He cleans the litter box and notices when it needs cleaning, if he wants me to clean it he asks because he is so much better at noticing when things need to be done. I hardly ever ask him to do things because he does them…he reminds me to do them.
But I cannot say how he will be as a dad from experience other than the last two exciting days we spent with our first placement of foster children–they left yesterday. To say that he was amazing is an understatement. And neither of us are perfect. You left out one other main reason for male jerkish behaviour: FEAR
Chuck wasn’t being a jerk, but he is afraid to change diapers and he was afraid to put the 20-month old into the car seat–afraid he might do it wrong. This weekend we will be watching a 6 week old little boy. When his foster mother brought him for a visit yesterday, Chuck was so nervous about holding him–I think being afraid you will break the baby may be normal and this little guy is medically fragile. But he did hold him!!! And today he told me that when he gets home from work tomorrow it will be his turn with the baby.
I think that neither of us really knows the other side of things. He doesn’t grasp all the things a kid needs regarding structure and the prep work that will go into things. We are in the early days of learning and I think his talent will be making sure they have fun–while being fit since his BS was fitness–and I will be the more of the structured disciplinarian. I like that you said it’s more about teamwork rather than 50/50. We will learn to balance each other.
I think you are right about the media portrayal of men. Even the great TV sitcoms dad’s are often portrayed as bumbling–Tim the Toolman. And sure, men bumble and so do women. Chuck and I are going to learn to be parents together, neither of us has a head start.
Wow! Thank you for that awesome comment.
My only advice for Chuck:
– We all struggle to figure things out; you are not alone
– The struggle is what makes you successful
– Don’t be afraid to ask for help
Thanks again for your fabulous comment and bless you for fostering.
Scott, I don’t have much to add beyond all of the amazing comments that are here just to say thank you for you opened up perspectives on how I have always perceived my late Dad, his efforts towards his family or what I felt were lacking. As Kristen said, welcome to DPOC. I will really look forward to reading more of you here.
Thank you, Heather! That means a lot.
Scott, you have raised some stereotypes that society applies to males and this is a good way to start dialogue.
As to controlling anger, this is a tricky thing. I do control my anger. As a kid I was taught to take it out in sports, which made me a good athlete and competitive. But is this really a good idea. I think acceptable responses and reflection later are a good approach. These days almost all my expressed anger is tactical for business and child rearing. I guess my outlook on life has changed where little angers me that much