When men do the hooking up, or talk about it, no one seems too concerned. It’s a routine rite of passage for the twenty-somethings, following a break-up, or after the termination of a long marriage.
We may disagree on the extensiveness of the hooking-up (numbers of partners, length of time this goes on), but it is expected that men will want – and get – relationship-free sex.
When women do the hooking up, we seem surprised. We’re judgmental. What’s good for the goose is good for the gander?
Not so much.
This morning’s New York Times greeted me with an article on campus life, featuring snippets from young women who profess their preference for casual sex over relationships. They’re pouring their efforts and focus into schooling while in school, and they plan to continue concentrating on their (future) careers throughout their twenties.
Casual Sex: Double Standards are Alive and Well
In this set of observations (and implicit conclusions?) about young women and elite campus life, beyond the fact that I don’t consider this phenomenon to be new, what startles me is this: the female students interviewed felt the need to speak anonymously. They were worried about family and prospective employers making judgments based on their sex lives.
Would the young men they’re sleeping with have imposed the same restriction, or felt the same need for circumspection? Isn’t this the usual double-standard applied to women’s sex lives regardless of marital status or age? If this were an article about men on campus hooking up, would it even be press-worthy? Would the focus have been more explicitly on the excesses of drinking (for example) that often accompany the behavior?
As for “Sex on Campus – She Can Play That Game, Too,” the very title of the article makes me scowl. Must we call sex without strings “a game?” Are we implying that women are using sex to get something else? Are we still unwilling to recognize sexuality as basic to most human beings, and yes, that includes women?
Campus Life and Hook-Up Culture
Referring to discussions with female students on the campus of University of Pennsylvania, the article states:
These women said they saw building their résumés, not finding boyfriends (never mind husbands), as their main job at Penn. They envisioned their 20s as a period of unencumbered striving, when they might work at a bank in Hong Kong one year, then go to business school, then move to a corporate job in New York… Almost universally, the women said they did not plan to marry until their late 20s or early 30s.
Do you find this surprising? I don’t.
This is a highly competitive environment, and an education with a price tag of $200,000+ by the time you’ve completed a degree. I should hope these women are looking to make the most of their academic and networking opportunities! Were I a parent, I’d be distressed if they weren’t.
The Alcohol Connection
Frankly, what worries me more is the binge drinking, the lesser judgment when it comes to safety that may result, and the dangers of hook-ups with strangers. Note – hooking up with a stranger is not the same as “friends with benefits,” which was also mentioned.
Still, this is concerning:
Women said universally that hookups could not exist without alcohol, because they were for the most part too uncomfortable to pair off with men they did not know well without being drunk.
Life Lessons in Relationships
I’m hardly against relationships in college, but let’s admit that they can add layers of complications to an already pressurized four years. Naturally, falling in love and even surviving a broken heart also teach us a great deal about ourselves, preparing us for the future.
But what happens when two graduating students in a relationship are offered opportunities on opposite sides of the country? How many women have compromised their dreams or dropped them entirely, in order to accompany a man along the way in his?
Sure, sure. Life is full of these decisions, you’ll tell me. It’s nothing new and I agree. But aren’t these the challenges that women have traditionally faced? Letting go of their own opportunities far too soon? Pretending they aren’t sexual beings? Shouldn’t young men and women aged 17 to 22 be exploring all their options?
Why shouldn’t young women understand these years as essential to fully focusing on and developing a self?
Hooking Up vs Pairing Up
We are a culture that still sets marriage as a goal for women, marriage as status symbol, marriage as a sign of a woman’s value. Must we continue to view the college campus as her hunting ground for a husband?
I’m not advocating sleeping with a different person every weekend (for men or women). I’m not advocating drunken and careless sexual relations (also mentioned in the article). I’m not advocating casual sex for those who reserve relations for love. But I am convinced that if we were discussing the sex life of young males (and their casual conquests), no one would bat an eye.
When the topic is women? It’s a different matter. We continue to send mixed signals – about sexuality, about priorities, about the necessity of marriage or finding “marriageable men” during the university years.
For those who are comfortable with casual sex (and stay safe), it’s a no-brainer. My sense is that it’s been going on for 40 years if not longer. And focusing on studies while on campus? Solidifying a “self” before slipping into a secondary, dependent, or caregiving role? Shall we all sing a refrain of “Lean In?” Isn’t that exactly what these young women are doing? Leaning into their educational opportunities?
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I’ve not read the article you reference, so don’t know if it actually sounds as though college life has regressed back to the 50s. I think the fact that young women see college as a place to build their work future as opposed to find a husband is a sign that things have moved on a bit. Whether actually women more than men felt they needed to discuss their sex lives anonymously, I’m not sure. Would you be proud of your sons if they were quoted in a newspaper article discussing how they sleep around? I think grown ups are supposed to be discreet about their private lives as a way of showing respect for others’ privacy. Like you said, it is worrying that the women need alcohol to help them engage. I can’t help but think if you need to be drunk to do it, best not to go there.
I agree, Shelley. If alcohol is the only path to this sort of sexual encounter, that’s a sign it isn’t really what you want.
We would definitely not be having this conversation if it involved young men. Bravo of focusing on their future during college. Isn’t that they’re supposed to be doing? The necessity of the alcohol component disturbs me. The fact that they are smart enough to recognize its part in the process, but not smart enough to see the dangers, is scary.
The one thing I hear from college kids I know is that those who indulge in frequent, indiscriminate sexual encounters are still called sluts. The good news, if there is any around the topic, is that the male of the species qualifies for that name. Boys are sluts, too. Was that where we wanted equality to go?
As a guy, I really find this fascination and fear of female sexuality really really weird and creepy. Duh, college men and women have sex, usually with each other. Why is women having sex suddenly news? Our society really has to get past this whole Madonna/Whore complex.
Great article, btw.
I wish the media would pick one thing to condemn and then remember what it is! A couple years ago I read an article similar to this one that implied that high school and college guys had pretty much universally decided that they weren’t going to get into relationships any more since girls were agreeing to hook ups (the whole cow/milk analogy). Now that we have the reverse happening, the women are again to blame. These articles are very much variations on a theme: Women should be asexual beings … except in marriage because then it would be her fault if the husband strays. As Shelley mentioned, this is so 1950s!
Well, you know….boys will be boys, right? 🙂 Perhaps, subconsciously, women are held to a higher standard; and when they don’t live up to that, it’s newsworthy. The other thought is women, stereotypically, become psychologically and emotionally vested in relationships when sex is involved. Many men, do not.
I think many men buy into the stereotypes put forth by culture and the media (AS DO many women), then there is this puritan fog that seems to sit over these United States, the issues are rarely discussed in families or among men (not sure about women), et viola you have a double standard perpetuated by a cultural stereotype and myth. It think the only way to address this is dialogue and education.