When it comes to the “having it all” debates, I feel as though we’re often ignoring what is sitting right in front of us.
Sure, we continue to raise a variety of legitimate points around work and family, including the nature of our partner relationships, parenting, income, and work environments.
But we’re missing an important point. The notion of what “all” comprises and whether or not we’d really want it if we understood what was actually involved.
What does “wanting it all” mean, really?
No, I’m not talking about not pursuing our professions or our dreams. I’m not talking about ignoring the fact that most women have no choice but to earn a living.
I’m talking about being reasonable. I’m talking about being realistic. I’m talking about understanding there are things we go after that we don’t necessarily “want,” and wanting isn’t the point if what we end up with is burn-out, illness, and little time to enjoy our lives.
Your “All?” My “All?”
Sure, I’ve written about having it all and doing it all, societal expectations that we are capable of having it all (winding up doing it all), but can we consider “wanting” from a place of knowledge?
How about relationships? The nitty-gritty of a healthy relationship – first finding one, and then its care and feeding – not so easy, is it?
What about having kids? Visions of cute babies aside, there are years of grueling, tedious, worrisome hours and days and nights – not the stuff of situation comedies.
And our work lives? The growing tendency to expect more (for less) of employees, not to mention the swelling numbers of freelancers and contractors who must constantly be looking for the next gig while performing in the current one.
Once we acknowledge and truly know the headaches, the compromises, the trade-offs involved in any version of “having it all,” do we actually want it? If having it all means so much stress we barely experience contentment or even a break, then isn’t “having it all” an oxymoron?
Here’s What I Want. Simple, Right?
Off the top of my head, here is a list of “wants” that would comprise my “all.”
- I want to raise healthy, happy, “successful” children.
- I want money in the bank so I don’t have to worry about bills.
- I want to do work that I love – at least some of the time.
- I want someone to love who will love me back.
- I want that person to respect me, my values, what I do – and vice versa.
- I want reading time.
- I want my writing to sing.
- I want my house clean (or cleaner).
Last but not least, though it always winds up at the bottom (in the role of impossible dream) – I want a little time to myself, for any number of pursuits that I don’t want to have to pinpoint, plan, and schedule – including some downtime.
Here is what I also know. What I want now will not necessarily be what I want in three years, or five, or ten. So then what?
Superwoman? Not So Much
That list? Do you note my priorities?
And the sequence of items aside, isn’t any such set of desirable states or outcomes effectively meaningless until you drill down into the complex details? Wouldn’t we have to reckon with the hard realities of what’s involved in raising “healthy, happy, successful” children? Don’t we need to make assumptions, take into account interdependencies, and also give a nod to luck?
So doesn’t that render “all” highly variable when we move away from the abstract? Isn’t it subject to change over time? Without narrowing down to reasonable expectations – is any version of “all” impossible to achieve without gobs of money or additional resources?
Suddenly, “all” feels like a stranglehold, constricting rather than freeing, and I’m thinking about the mythology of Superwoman and my reluctant realization that superhero status, even maintained for several years, comes with a hefty price tag in terms of quality of life.
A Look Back at the Blur
Allow me to digress for a moment. Last evening I came across a journal from more than a dozen years ago. Along with the usual motherly accounts of cute exchanges between my children, the content was chock full of indications of worry, fatigue, and stress. I was working in a grueling managerial position at the time for a very small firm, in start-up mode. 80 hour weeks were the norm; I frequently had my children in the office with me on the weekends, as they read or drew quietly and I went about my business.
May I add that I felt guilty constantly when it came to my kids?
My journal includes mentions of sitter worries, money worries, critical deadlines that meant losing sleep, the need to be in two places at once (and sometimes three), with frequent and anguished invocations to the gods to “please keep me awake, productive, and able to get through another day” – or possibly a week.
That refrain runs through years of journals that follow though I was no longer at that job. The strain of trying to “do it all” was readily visible. “Wanting it all” wasn’t even a consideration.
Project Eve, Our Confused State of Affairs
Project Eve’s recent article, “A Woman’s Paradox: The Unique Challenges of Women Who Want It All,” pulls together a number of statistics that are indicative of our conflicting feelings on “having it all.” And note the title’s emphasis on wanting it all – which should make us think.
As to the paradox –
Citing the speed with which American women are burning out, and at younger ages, Project Eve writes:
Compared to women, men are:
25% more likely to take breaks at work
7% more likely to take a walk
5% more likely to go out at lunch
The article also indicates
Men are twice as likely as women to advance at each career stage.
But there’s more, particularly concerning the paradox of pursuing our “wants.” When it comes to mothers in the workplace, there’s greater satisfaction, but there’s guilt – and also, burnout.
Real World Versus Wishful Thinking
It’s easy to say we want it all when “all” is nebulous and represented at the 30,000 foot view – the happy family and rewarding work life.
It’s easy to say we want it “all” when we have no experience of what is involved.
It’s easy to imagine marriage as a desirable state (and “happy marriage” as achievable) when you haven’t yet lived through marital ups and downs. Likewise, our wishful thinking version of parenthood that is nothing like the reality, complete with the sitter who doesn’t show making you late to your own presentation, the child that vomits on your only clean jacket as you’re driving him to daycare and you’re late for work, the empty fridge and it’s midnight and you can’t put the kids in car seats at that hour, the scribbling on the back of an envelope as you try to figure out how to afford braces and summer camp, knowing braces are a must and without camp or an alternative you’re screwed when it comes to keeping your job.
Shall we mention the teen years, and their costs and constant worry?
We Live in a Country Where “All” is a False God, Unless…
Love? Family? Meaningful career? Outside interests? Time off to enjoy one’s life? Health and fitness? Pursuit of dreams?
When did we exchange the handful of female options – wife, mother, teacher, nurse, librarian, and so on – for anything and everything – and I really mean and everything?
If we target the Cliff Notes version of family and professional life with its pretty images of motherhood (as an example), then we deny the reality that more closely resembles many thousands of pages in volumes 1, 2, 3 and 4, complete with unruly passages and convoluted plot lines.
“All” is less appealing, at least to me. “All” is impossible without a system of extended family, communities that assist, partners that share responsibilities, and infrastructure that is supportive to everyone – male and female, and not just in the “official” workplace.
Wanting is Good; Fairy Tales Are Not
What if we tried to wean ourselves off the fairy tale version of wanting it all – which does not mean setting aside our skills, our need to contribute, our rightful entitlement to options, to fair pay, and yes – to sharing our lives with loved ones?
Is it possible for us – women especially – to adjust our vision of wanting it all?
Could we concede that not only employers, but government could make our “reasonable all” more accessible?
Returning to the statistics cited above that show men generally pay attention to more self-care in terms of time off and breaks, can we acknowledge the reasonableness in that? Might we also consider that the male “all” may not resemble the female version? Yes, these are generalizations of course, but what if we set aside our caretaker role when it comes to others, and apply a bit more of its steam to taking care of ourselves?
And yes, I fully realize that requires that we have options to pick up the slack, or that we accept a lesser level of caretaking of others – and that, in some circumstances, is not always an option.
Give It Your All
I have a small sign taped to my kitchen cabinets, one of several I put up a few months ago. The one I’d like to discuss reads “Give Your All.”
Those words were intended to remind me to focus – and do so more freely, when it comes to my writing. But I can only do that when my children aren’t under my roof, when the man in my life isn’t on vacation (and I’m not), expecting more from me than I can give, and when I’m not plagued by guilt about keeping too much of me for me – and not giving enough to others.
My “all” is and always will be divided. So is yours, though you may find it more or less the case based on your circumstances. So our “all” must be divided, unless we cut ourselves off from the rest of the world, or eliminate people and items from the “all” list.
The man in my life? His “all?” Or for that matter, my ex-husband’s “all?” The “all” of any of the men I’ve known?
It doesn’t look like mine and didn’t during the years in which their children were being raised. This reminds me that their “all” is different, and not necessarily too little. But mine is most definitely too much. As far as I’m concerned, as a woman living in this country, certainly during 20 or more parenting years, my “all” will always be too much.
My Family, Myself
And therein lies the dilemma. We do not live in a society that takes care of women with children. Women remain the caretakers of others. Who takes care of us? That’s the paradox I’m most worried about, and it’s personal, cultural, and structural.
Wanting it all?
I’d like to want something reasonable. Yet I look at my own list and understand that the first item alone is a major undertaking – raising healthy, happy, “successful” children – especially as a single/solo parent, leaving little when all is said and done. Hitting “money in the bank” which is the second in my list, much less doing work I love, sitting at number three?
Both are tough, given the parenting item, which is not a condemnation of parenthood by any means; it’s a recognition of the time, dollars, and work involved, especially when you’re outnumbered.
I have to ask myself if it’s reasonable to “want” so much all – in a nation where women still disproportionately feel its burdens.
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Walker Thornton says
I think ‘giving it all’, is very different from ‘wanting it all’. As you note, we have this tendency to think we have to have everything…We Americans are a bit self-indulgent.
I want to give it my all as well…which means that I want to be present and engaged in what I’m doing. To do the best job I can and feel that it’s the right thing to do…even when it’s sometimes not. As for having it all? Don’t know that I can even define what that might be!
lisa says
In the New Testament, there is a passage, Wherever your treasure is, there the desires of your heart will also be. It reminds me to take a long, hard look at what I want and WHY I want it. Many times, the WHY tells me the most about myself…good and not so much. I agree with Walker that wanting it all and giving it all are two different things. I “give my all” in any given situation when I’m 100% engaged and not distracted. And even though I may want it all…or want a lot…it doesn’t necessarily mean that those things are what I need. Great, thought-provoking post…yet again! You amaze me. 🙂
Rob says
I like your list of all that you want. It isn’t unreasonable, but simple? I guess that depends on a variety of factors in one’s life. I agree that the burden often falls disproportionately on women.
Before we became such a mobile society, people tended to stay in the communities where they grew up. They were surrounded by family who lived nearby, and friends they had grown up with. Support existed because of mores of the times. Customarily women supported one another in almost every way, except financially. Men supported their wives and children.
As we moved toward nuclear, rather than extended families, and women began seeking more than keeping hearth and home; the type of support that used to exist in community fell away to support that has to be paid for. I don’t want to oversimplify, but women can choose to not have children and pursue a career, or try to have both. Either way, women must compromise and the burden often falls on them.
Are we seeing a change as more women are now entering higher education than men, and men are starting to stay home with the children while their wives choose careers? Future generations will tell.
lunaboogie says
Several things come to mind. One is the notion that you CAN have it all, just not all at the same time. A lifetime is a long stretch of years during which different experiences will take priority. Another is, life is a marathon, not a sprint. I remember being in my 20s and not realizing this – such impatience! wanting a marriage and children and home right NOW, not recognizing how short a time in our life is taken up with child raising.
Another thought is “having enough” instead of “having it all” and being grateful for it, and making choices on how to achieve that. For me, it meant putting off buying a house until I was in my early 40’s and with a small child, after living 8 years or so in tiny, cramped apartments (even having our bed in the living room) so as to be able to save up for the home we now have, and finding a way to establish my career and work part time so I could have time to enjoy my home and child and other pursuits that prevent burnout with the difficult work I do. It meant choosing a smaller home with a lesser view, so that money would not be a constant struggle. It meant sharing one small car and one laptop between 3 people for 7 years until darling daughter needed one of her own for college.
And GIVING your all – your goodness and intention and honesty – is feeding Karma that eventually comes back to reward you in delicious ways.
I love my life, and because of the choices we (husband and I) have made, we have been able to travel some and have adventures. And I am grateful for it and it is enough. We have been (all 3 of us) able to take music lessons and participate in community theater and a community orchestra. Sometimes I carry the financial burden so that my husband can go back to school for a quarter (he’s doing it again this fall) to take classes for pure enjoyment.
I love your list. I would only add friendships and music and dance and artistic expression. And the time to enjoy them.
Deja Vow says
Wow! It’s so true that as women our drive is to do it all, do it well, and never let them see you sweat. But the truth is, we’re not good at everything and that pie in the sky “have it all” is still up there while we slog in the trenches of Mother Earth.
Can we all promise to be happy with what we have? I will. Tonight my oldest gave me a kiss on the cheek. He said “I love you.” That is so valuable to me.
Barbara says
Wanting it all feels desperate and exhausting because it’s a scratch you can never fully itch, it’s a bed that’s never going to offer a good night’s sleep and a blanket that will always be too short.
And those who seem “have it all” are often unhappy and lost and take their lives or drink and cocaine their lives into numbness – wanting only, in the end, what all of us want, which is love and peace of mind, a warm fire at night and stars in the sky in summer.
I’m happy with those.
Scott Behson says
I really like this article- a smart and nuanced take. “All” is indeed a myth and really quite childish. My toddler wants it all, and that’s age -appropriate. What adults should want is a happy balanced life, by whatever lists of things that comprises.