Maybe I should title this column “Six Ways to Make a Divorcing Friend Feel Worse.” That would capture my recent experience, on the receiving end of more than my own separation anxiety – but a great deal of interest on the part of everyone else I know.
So here are some tips and guidelines from my personal vault, when it comes to hearing news that a friend or acquaintance is divorcing.
“Just heard you are separating. Am shocked. Are you selling your furniture?”
Really?
Pull Up a Chair. Prepare to be Schooled.
I stared at that text message, blankly, completely perplexed. It was one of the first responses to the news of my separation.
So, I thought. This is how divorce goes? People want your furniture?
I re-read the message repeatedly, thinking that eventually it would make more sense – surely I wasn’t reading it right. Yet those twelve little words on my phone might as well have been black buzzards circling above me, one angry and sporting the features of my “friend” rather than a beady-eyed bird face. What was next? Swooping down on my house to pick apart the bones of my broken dreams?
I wanted to simply ignore the text message, but I knew that the sender would keep texting until I responded.
So, I typed: “Thanks so much for your concern. I’ve never been divorced before, but I’m pretty sure I will still need my furniture.”
My Recent Separation
Until my own separation, the closest I had been to the divorce process is that of a neighborhood friend. She had always struck me as a private person, so when she revealed her divorce to me, my response was appropriately reserved. I wished her the best and tried to reassure her that better times were ahead. I let her know she could call on me for help, but didn’t specifically assert myself in any way.
We were not the closest of friends, and again, she had always seemed somewhat guarded about her personal life. Perhaps I should have done more?
Considering the reactions I’ve been receiving recently, my response to my neighbor’s divorce must not be the norm. Apparently, people generally react more strongly, and maybe, more strangely.
Six Ways NOT to Respond to News of Divorce
Divorce is difficult and extremely trying emotionally. Don’t make it more complicated for your friend, your neighbor or your coworker while they are going through a very difficult time. Here are six ways to respond to the news of divorce.
Don’t Ask
Me: “I’m getting divorced.”
Her: “Who did you leave him for?”
Me: “There is no one else.”
Her:“Then why did you leave?”
Me: Silence.
Her: “Does he hit you?”
Me: Dumbfounded.
Note to self: So far, there seem to be four “socially acceptable” reasons for a woman to get a divorce. They are: you are leaving for someone else; he is leaving for someone else; you caught him cheating; he beats you.
None of these apply to my situation. If you don’t already know what’s wrong in someone’s marriage, when they’re splitting up, you don’t need to know. Don’t ask, unless the questions are: “Are you okay?” and “Is there anything I can do to help?” In other words, it’s none of your business.
Don’t Tell
Unless you are one of the two spouses getting divorced or a child of the divorcing couple, this event most likely won’t impact your daily life. Therefore, there is no need for you to get involved, to insert yourself into the conflict, or to gossip about any of it. Don’t be an unsolicited spokesperson in any way between the divorcing parties or anyone else.
This includes but is not limited to: policing the marital residence (announcing all comings and goings of one spouse to the other spouse), taking screenshots of one spouse’s Facebook accounts and showing them to the other spouse, or any other communications that are… I repeat, none of your business.
Don’t Cry
Unless you are a child of the divorce, don’t cry.
My cleaning lady cried when I told her I was separating. In fact, she was the most visibly shaken of all of my friends and family. I’m not sure what this says about me, or my friends, or my marriage, but it was definitely unnecessary and alarming when the elderly Romanian maid, who sees me twice a month, burst into tears and broke into prayer.
Don’t Dramatize
Some people thrive on others’ drama, and even encourage one spouse to do or say mean things to the other.
You know the sort of thing. “You just need to tell him to ^%^%#%$*”:>,” or, “you should just __________” (fill in the blank with any hurtful, unnecessary tactic or gesture.) It’s sad how addicted society has become to drama. Perhaps it’s a result of the glorified “reality TV” culture that is centered on people behaving very badly.
Don’t De-friend
When she heard about the end of my marriage, one person immediately de-friended me on Facebook. She later explained to me that she did so because she “didn’t want to be asked” where I was “hanging out” who I was “going out with.” Presumably, that meant asked by my husband and his family. Note to anyone who cares to know: I was at the time, and still am friends with my ex-to-be on Facebook.
Right after she informed me that she had de-friended me so she wouldn’t know anything when asked, (by my husband who could just look on my Facebook himself) she proceeded to, in the very next breath, ask me “So, who ARE you dating, anyway?”
Don’t Ignore
Several friends and neighbors pretended nothing ever happened. They never even offered an “I’m sorry to hear that.” Others wouldn’t make eye-contact with me.
It’s okay to talk to a person who is in the process of a divorce. Don’t make them feel invisible just because their marriage is breaking up. If you’re a friend, be a friend. Acknowledge the news without going overboard.
Consideration and Common Sense
I’m not an expert on divorce or social conventions. However, common sense doesn’t hurt, and moderation is key. Address the situation kindly, then leave it alone. The divorcing spouses will fill in the blanks or raise the topic if they choose to. Be willing to lend a listening ear, or helping hand.
Lastly, there were a few people who reached out online or text and sent nice notes of support, without demanding details or asking about the “Fire Sale” of furniture. I know that took time, and those sentiments were greatly appreciated. After experiencing so many unkind words, interrogations, and uncomfortable interactions, it’s incredible how great of an impact a few kind words in a text message or email can have.
What are the best and worst reactions by others that you experienced while going through a divorce? Any tips of your own to share?
© Andrea Clement Santiago
Andrea Clement Santiago is a career advice columnist, writer, and communications professional. Her background in medical sales, training, and healthcare recruiting led to her role as the Guide to Health Careers for About.com, an IAC company. She has contributed to books, journals, websites and has made media appearances on television and radio in her capacity as a healthcare career expert. She writes about her experience as an adult orphan on her blog, No Parents No Problem. Learn more about Andrea here. Follow Andrea on Twitter at @AndreaSantiago, or connect with her on LinkedIn.
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I thought my mother expressed it best when I told her the news (when my children had become old enough for me to insure primary parent status). “Hurrah!”
Wow, those responses you got are unbelievable. People can be such morons. When a girlfriend got divorced last year, the gossip about her was vicious. And he walked out on her!!
there’s only one nice thing to say when someone is getting divorced.
“Can I come round and make you tea and take you to see a foreign film and bring lots of Kleenex?”
that’s what we’d do (and have done).
Oh, tg… Where were you when I was going through this? 🙂 but then, tea and a foreign film with a friend are always good for what ails you.
Another thing to never say? “I always knew he/she was a (any negative word).” Shows them you think they had poor judgement in choosing a partner.
Best thing: “I’m sorry you are going through this. Is there anything I can do?”
Oh yes, Lunaboogie. That’s a good one! (A sort of “I told you so” that’s supposed to be commiseration. But it isn’t.)
Yeah, don;t say a negative word, the person telling you may not want a divorce and you are insulting that person’s spouse.
I hardly had any one say rude things. The one I can remember was my yoga instructor. It was maybe a week after Bomb Drop (or less) and I was visibly upset, crying in class–not bawling, but tearing up. I felt so relieved that someone was asking me what was wrong because it was like a hug–someone was noticing!
Well that relief turned to shock.
“What’s wrong?”
sniffle: “my husband just told me he wants out of our marriage.”
Shoulder shrug, “I guess you just need a change,” then she turned and walked away.”
Apparently the possibility of getting a divorce wasn’t significant enough or something. It’s become so common that some people think it is no big deal. She never once said anything about it again and neither did I–not that I talked to her much anyway. But from that moment on I liked the other yoga teacher a lot more.
I probably didn’t get rudeness from others because I did not ever say we were divorcing, I said he left me and I was not going to let him divorce me. Strange that I didn’t have people argue with me about whether I could do that–but maybe it was because it was so early. The divorce was stopped quickly, so even though his crisis continued maybe people believed me. Huh I just thought of that.
Don’t say, “Single parenting is so hard.”
I told a “good friend” that I was getting divorced, and that’s what she had to say. When I told her that soon-to-be-ex was emotionally abusive, she looked at me like I was crazy. Then I said that he had a girlfriend, too. She finally indicated that my divorce might be acceptable. We’re no longer friends.
And for the record, single parenting is much easier than marriage with an abuser.
Excellent tips. When going through a break-up or divorce, you need SUPPORT, people who say, “I love you, and I trust you would not have made this decision lightly.” No judging about “Took you long enough, I always thought you were much too good for him,” either.
Thank you all for adding your tips and sharing your experiences! I’m so glad to know that I’m not the only person who received some strange reactions to the news! Thank goodness for the friends who were supportive and helpful without judging or trying to add to the drama and conflict! 🙂
Andrea, thank you for this. I cannot believe the furniture comment. People are weird. I developed some stock answers.
Sound advice throughout this post – thanks for sharing. So many times a friend or family member is simply trying to ease their own discomfort with the situation, but in a way that is of no help to the person(s) affected by the divorce or separation. A tough situation all the way around.
I just had a good friend press me for an hour on why I should save my marriage, even after I insisted that there is nothing I could do (my wife is now living four hours away, and has refused all contact with me). He argued and argued. Even telling him repeatedly that I just made over a thousand copies of financial records (literally) and that her lawyer is requesting that I fill out even more forms wouldn’t stop him.
It’s kind of like losing a leg, and having someone tell you that, “You better get that leg back – you’ll find it’ll be terrible without it.”
Don’t try to talk them out of it. They might want the divorce. More likely they either made the decision with great reluctance, or their spouse made the decision, and they have no choice.
Another strange one I encountered often for my long marriage is, ‘why now?’. People won’t ever can realize how much a person go through before taking this step unless they really gone through it as well. One good friend gave a nice suggestion, to reply back to those people ‘why not now?’