The boy appeared to be eight or nine years old, his father, in his mid to late fifties. The child sat across from him at an outdoor café, intermittently popping up from his seat and playfully laying his head on his dad’s shoulder.
The man fiddled with his keys, his glasses, and left his iPhone untouched on the table. His expression was warm, his silver hair plentiful, and his smile bright.
His demeanor? Calm and relaxed.
Judging by the time of day and proximity to a nearby private school, these were shared minutes following pick-up. Was this a regular or occasional gig? Was this a Second Time Around Dad?
I didn’t see a wedding band on the man’s finger, so I have no inkling of his marital status.
One thing was clear: the child was his, was overtly affectionate, and the dynamic between them seemed natural and easy.
Older Fathers, Better Parents?
So what do we think, really, of the Second Time Around Father who has a child in his fifties or older?
My impression is that we think nothing of it, or him: we assume he is on Marriage Number Two (or Three), with a younger woman (who wanted children), and the opportunity to take on fatherhood again is a given, if he wishes.
The Dad I mention? He was a well-heeled man, who may or may not have already raised a first set of children when younger. Like many men, he may have poured the greatest percentage of his energies into his job.
That is indeed a generalization, and based on my experience and assumptions. That is not, incidentally, intended as a criticism. Rather, it is recognition of the sacrifices and time it takes to build a career, knowing there are no guarantees should life intervene with medical challenges, family problems, economic downturns, or for that matter, a venture that simply doesn’t pay off.
Was the man seated near me a first time older dad?
That’s also possible. And even in the few minutes I observed this pair, what I saw was the seamless exchange of affection, comfort, listening, and teaching – what we all hope to bring to our days with our kids.
The Second Time Dad: Celebrities, Etc.
Naturally, we have our Hollywood examples of older, remarried dads: 54-year old Alec Baldwin is expecting a child with his new 28-year old wife; 68-year old Michael Douglas has a second family with Catherine Zeta-Jones; and most of us would be hard-pressed to forget Kelsey Grammer‘s very public marital breakup, splashed across the media in 2011. The 58-year old actor is on his fourth marriage and fifth child (10 months old), the first for his current (much younger) wife.
But celebrities have little to do with the rest of us, in my opinion. And I was curious to confirm or dispute my impressions about those I think of as “Round 2 Dads.”
Having dated a few of these men – divorced or widowed more than once, and with a second set of children – some were decidedly for more kids if it happened, and others were equally vociferous about being against. I might add that when dating well-heeled “mature” men, i.e. men of my own age, some were biding their time while looking for younger women, knowing a second family was likely in the cards.
Second Time Around Fathers Say…
Curious about these issues of second time dads, I found this February 2013 article, referencing older dads who express regrets that they didn’t spend more time with children. They view the second shot as a way to get it right, and as older dads, they enjoy
the patience and perspective of maturity…
I gather from reading this article (and others), these second time dads were pursuing their careers during their twenties and thirties. Once established and older, they shifted their priorities and attention more toward family – in part because they could – financially, logistically, and biologically.
Other articles from various sources (and countries) address similar trends in older fatherhood (whether for the first time or not), including the downside and apparent male biological clock. But that’s not where my mind travels when I consider parenting older for either sex. I can’t help thinking that a healthy adult of 55 or 60 may be able to deal with a youngster, but it’s a different scenario when a Medicare recipient is arguing with his teenagers.
Advantages of Older Parents
Patience and maturity when you’re an older parent?
As an “older mom,” I’ll agree with that, though the trade-offs may include persistent physical fatigue. And I had my kids before 40! Naturally, there are factors that can assist an older parent of either gender – money, family, good health – and managing one child rather than a houseful.
Other advantages? In theory, careers are established, finances more secure, and we ourselves are more comfortable with who we are.
Once upon a time, I was seriously involved with a man who was devoted to the children of his first marriage. Fearing the “baggage” that could mean for us as a couple, I declined his proposal. I was about 30, and inexperienced in the tenderness and wisdom that many bring to parenting a second time around.
When it comes to my 15 minutes of observation, and this one older dad and his son, clearly, I know nothing of their circumstances and can draw no conclusions. They were a lovely duo to watch, and I noted a touch of my own heartache. As a divorced mother who carried the far greater proportion of child-rearing duties, I wonder what it would have been like to share parenting responsibilities – and joys – with an active and engaged partner.
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I agree you have more wisdom, tolerance, experience and are usually better established at an “advanced age.” That said there is a lesser degree of energy and perhaps medical issues that can hinder activities.
The second chance at fatherhood is somewhat irritating to me as many of these men have little or poor relationships with their first children. It seems more responsible and the correct thing to work on these relationships, instead of hitting the “reset” button. It also seems these second time around children are produced from marriages to much younger women. Well boys, wake up and smell the green because many of these unions seem to be about this and would dissolve in a second if the word “pre-nup” was ever uttered. Further many of these relationships seem to last 5-7 years.
The next issue I have with this is the quality of life and the caring of the second time around children. If the father has the time an the money to spend with the child and to leave to the child once they die it is one matter. But when they are not as involved and cannot financially meet their obligations we as a society have to pay for the shirking of responsibilities. Further what about the child having a father until high school graduation, never mind graduation from university, marriage and grandchildren. What is the effect on the second time around child and society?
Jealous? Nope. Just a father and a person who is concerned about many things other than older males need for “love” and meaning which seems akin to teenage girls needing to have a baby for the same reason.
Does this ever make sense or seem appropriate? Of course there are times when it is, but currently it seem to be as rampant as teen pregnancy. That said anyone know a hot 30 year old who wants to have a baby? (Why is there no sarcasm font)
I appreciate the thoroughness and breadth of your response, Curtis. Much food for thought here. I do find myself considering how the child might feel with an older parent (mother or father), though this is so much more common now than it was even 20 years ago, that the peer group stigma may be less, but life expectancy is life expectancy.
That said, we don’t have a crystal ball, and there are no guarantees with anything, for any of us.
As to remarks about our propensity for the cycle of marriage-divorce-remarriage (is the grass always seemingly greener?) – I find it all disheartening. And yes, we do need a sarcasm font.
You might find this of interest, on the “grass is always greener syndrome.”
Very interesting, D. I’m married to an older, second-time around dad. He’s a better dad to our son than he was to his first. Like night and day, really. A lot of it is what you speculated with the father/son pair that you were observing – that second chance to do things right, to prioritize family and better balance career this time around. The other factor is that the marriage is better this time around. We have more of a partnership than he did with his first wife, and that played a role. I think that overall it is experience and maturity. We have a solid family life but it hasn’t been without its share of upheaval (major conflicts in parenting style due to cultural differences and our own very different upbringing). Marrying a more marriage-experienced man doesn’t make the relationship easier but it does mean that we have worked harder to overcome problems — harder than if he had never been touched by divorce.
You bring an interesting perspective to the discussion, C. And your reference to the “marriage-experienced” man is also interesting. One would think that those who have been through divorce would come to a next committed relationship / marriage wiser and more willing to work through the difficult periods. The statistics don’t bear that out, but I wonder if that’s a matter of the speed with which people remarry, not to mention the American pop culture expectations of a “perfect person” and “happily ever after” and even self-happiness at all cost.
Just thinking out loud here…
My main concern is for the children. All the children. That we, the adults, might raise them well and kindly.
Thank you for commenting on this one. I’m mulling… (in a good way).
You can’t make up for the fact that you were a bad dad the first time around…it does not work. You can have ten wives and thirty kids but if you were a dead beat dad in the past… the label dead beat will be with you forever.
You can’t go back or pretend with the next batch of kids… look at Bing Crosby, Muhammad Ali, John Voight. It does not work…..