It was my firstborn who always stepped up and stepped in – speaking to adults as though he were one of us, swooping in when his little brother was hurt or bullied, offering me a shoulder, an arm, his humor and his fine mind to distract, to discuss, to remind me of my worth – certainly in the eyes of my children.
It was he who bit off the most challenging tasks, taking the initiative – verbal, vocal, curious, confident. To some degree, the epitome of a born leader and grabbing for every bit of “adulthood” he could and that I would allow. Some of it, at a very young age.
My younger son? A different story.
All the more reason I am so moved – now – by his stepping up.
Kids Growing Up… and Showing Up, for Parents
The circumstances are unimportant, but the details I must deal with are overwhelming without some measure of assistance. What touches me is the fact that my son is stepping up without being asked, his proactive approach despite a rigorous schedule, and the consistency of his checking in and checking up – on me.
The steadiness in his voice – he is so clearly no longer a child – pulls at my heart in a way that only a parent can understand, as both bittersweet and reassuring.
If I speak occasionally of “showing up” – showing up in our own lives, showing up for those who rely on us – surely “stepping up” is the critical next stage. We all weigh trade-offs when time or other resources run short; we may disproportionately choose for ourselves, we may disproportionately choose for others, or we may arrive at a mindful give-and-take that we know will vary with context. Isn’t that what most of us wish for, as we engage with other adults in our life?
Nudging Them Out of the Nest
Parenting is always a tricky balancing act. We bring babies into the world and protect them ferociously. We watch them stumble and pick them up. We reach milestones with a mix of pride and sentimentality. We allow them to make mistakes when we know it’s no longer appropriate to prevent them. If anything, our “helpful” interference may hurt. We must, to a large degree, allow our college kids and young adults to stand on their own, as we work to teach and reinforce the necessary skills.
So we coax, cajole, and push – wondering if it’s too much or too little. We loosen the apron strings when we can, assessing the timing and consequences of first forays into independence. Some children would cling to us longer than we wish; others, like my firstborn, spread their wings and fly too soon.
What do we hope for?
Responsibility, accountability, meeting commitments, being true to one’s values, looking out for family and friends, learning to handle money, becoming self-supporting – and yes, happiness. These are all items on a much longer parental checklist, items we know our teenagers and young adults must master as they leave the nest and in the years to follow.
Parents Stepping Back, Kids Stepping Up
In stepping up as parents – at times saying no when we wish we could say yes – we act on what is needed, not necessarily what is wanted; what is better in the long run, though the short run may mean tough going; we allow them to strike out, and without certainty that doing so is the best course for them, or us.
We step back, so they will step up.
As I think of my child with his head in the clouds, the non-talker, the artist, the one who was always late, the one who was always losing keys – this role reversal seems even more startling. I’m more inclined to expect it from my elder who is, at the moment, appropriately focused on showing up for the next stage in his life. His attention is precisely where it needs to be, and my younger son is assuming an increasingly adult stance, and stepping up – to my delight – for me.
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Wonderful post. Parenthood never ceases to surprise, even when we think we know everything about our kids. You are so right about the balancing act!
Balancing act, indeed.
The right amount of letting go at the right time.
The right amount of willingness to acknowledge need and then accept it.
The right amount of realization that our children have taken everything we’ve given and run with it, and yet, they will continue to seek out our guidance as they intersect life’s various paths…
And the right amount of comfort in knowing they are stepping up, as we step back…
These are the joys of a mother. These are the moments you know you must have done something right. Such a nice piece, D.A.
That’s wonderful, D. And I don’t doubt that this is just the beginning. Your story made me think of my younger brother…it was always me whom my parents relied on and my brother was freed of a lot of responsibility growing up. But when I was overseas he stepped up in a big way when my mother was diagnosed with cancer, and it was he who berated me in a 3 hour phone call, telling me how I had distanced myself from the family. It wasn’t pleasant to hear this coming from him but I was proud of him, proud of him for taking on the role that was normally reserved for me. I think sometimes it takes time for the “baby” of the family to step up, but I think it’s something that they want to do.