• Home
  • About
  • Around
  • Contributors
  • Applause

Daily Plate of Crazy

  • Relationships
    • Dating
    • Love
    • Marriage
    • Divorce
    • Life After Divorce
  • Parenting
    • Advice
    • Babies and Kids
    • Tweens and Teens
    • College Kids
    • Single Moms
    • Older Moms
    • Dads
    • Family Dynamics
    • Money Matters
    • Work-Life
  • Health
  • Sex
  • Women’s Issues
  • Fashion & Style
    • Chaussures
    • Fashion
    • Style
    • Lingerie
    • Interiors
  • Culture
  • More
    • Art Art Art
    • Business
    • En Français
    • Entertainment
      • Mad Men
      • Mad Men Reviews
      • Real Housewives
      • Movies
      • Celebrities
      • Work of Art Reviews
    • Flash
    • Food & Recipes
    • Lifestyle
    • Morning Musing
    • Starting Over
    • Technology
    • Travel
    • Women and Money
You are here: Home / Parenting / Family Dynamics / The Sober Truth, Secret Salvation

The Sober Truth, Secret Salvation

May 9, 2013 by Andrea Clement 12 Comments

Manhattan CocktailBy Andrea Clement Santiago

What secrets do you keep? Are you better at keeping secrets, or sharing them?

Most of us want to tell other’s secrets, while closely guarding our own. Not only can keeping mum be exhausting, it can be harmful to keep secrets and beneficial to share them.

The challenge is deciding if – and how.

Who “owns” a family member’s secret once he or she passes on? If the secret impacts your life, is it now your story to tell? And if so, should you tell it?

It took about eight years for me to muster the strength to discuss my mother’s death openly. After so many years spent trying to protect her legacy, hiding one of her greatest flaws and darkest secrets, I finally decided to deal with the cause of my mother’s death, instead of dancing around it when the subject (and inevitable questions) would arise.

In writing and in conversation, for the first time outside the family, I was finally able to discuss the fact that my mother died of alcoholic liver disease.

In Spring of 2012, about a month or so after I made the decision to stop hiding my mother’s reality, I happened to run into an old friend I’d known since childhood. We had lost touch decades ago, but now lived in the same general area again, and reconnected via Facebook.

My friend and I visited one afternoon, and caught up on family and the passage of time over the last 20-25 years. We talked about marriage, kids, parents, and friends.

Invariably, as it often does in conversations with friends when discussing family members, the question about how my parents died was posed. This time I was prepared to tell the truth.

As we sipped on our beers, sitting in the sun on a patio on that warm spring day, I described the effects of my mother’s excesses – her drunken anger, and her depression – the result of her beloved Manhattans, straight up, with ice on the side so as not to dilute their potency. Eventually, alcohol shut down her organs until she passed away from alcoholic liver disease. It was a story I’d only recently shared with anyone outside the family.

In the midst of chatting and reminiscing, my friend shared stories of her own, dramatic episodes she’d recently experienced that seemed to have a common theme: alcohol. As our visit drew to a close, I was beginning to worry a bit about her, though like my mother, her effervescent personality and sense of humor were magnetic. Her fun-loving energy and child-like vibe could easily convince you that everything was okay. Until it wasn’t.

I left our little reunion, glad to have reconnected, but also concerned about some patterns that seemed all too familiar to me: frequent fighting, anger, family drama, encounters with police, and other episodes, all fueled by alcohol.

I left my friend that day, knowing I probably wouldn’t see her again soon, due to our busy and very different lives. She was raising three kids while I was working three jobs. As I drove away I wished I could have done something to help, but out of the loop for so many years, I knew it wasn’t my place.

I was right. I didn’t see her again soon. Her updates on Facebook remained consistently humorous, and, as always, revealed little about the personal and family issues she had discussed with me. So I never knew how things were really going after our day together.

Then, last month, I received an unexpected message on Facebook from her, including these words:

Sometimes it takes hindsight to see how God has put angels in your path and that is certainly the case for me. You may or may not know that the day you came to visit was one of my very darkest. I didn’t want to die but I couldn’t remember how to live, how to truly laugh, most of all didn’t know how to love me anymore. I knew I had to do something different. When you came, you shared the experience of [dealing] with an alcoholic mother. I saw a lot of myself in your statements…

I realized I no longer wanted to be trapped… Turns out, yours truly is [also] an alcoholic. While that probably is no surprise to you or to anyone who has known me through the years, I could never truly concede it to my innermost self. You, my friend, were a part of a grand plan – if I could only open my eyes to see and ears to hear.

One week after we sat on the patio together, she entered a treatment program, and has been sober ever since.

Reading her note, I cried and continued to cry for twenty minutes. There were tears of joy for her and her children and husband, but something more was going on. This was a release of liability from the guilt I have felt for beginning to speak plainly about my mother’s illness, for divulging her closely guarded secret, for feeling as though I betrayed my mom’s wishes somehow.

Then, on Facebook of all places, came this proof that my mother’s death was not in vain, that writing and talking about it had saved another family from the rage, chaos, conflict, and loss caused by alcohol abuse.

My friend invited me to the ceremony marking her one year sober anniversary. I was so grateful to have been asked and was looking forward to attending. When the morning arrived, rain was pouring down outside, and I had the flu. I was chilled to the bone. Every part of my body ached. But I got up out of bed – because I could – and went. It was also pouring rain on the day my mother finally succumbed to her disease one dreary summer morning in 2004, but she was past getting up out of bed.

In her speech, my friend said that for years her husband, her friends and even the legal system had tried to tell her she was an alcoholic. She didn’t listen. It was my mother’s story that got through to her. She decided that day, one year earlier, that she didn’t want to leave her family in the same manner that my mother left hers.

And I am so grateful and thankful to have been a part of that day and that ceremony. I was honored when my mother’s life was mentioned, and a bit uncomfortable when everyone turned around to look at me. Those inquisitive glances were a small price to pay for bearing witness to a friend changing her life, and a family celebrating her year of sobriety. They would be spared the confusion, guilt, secrecy and shame that children and spouses of alcoholics endure.

I am reminded that if we are able, we must get out of bed even on the rainy days. We must be present. We must make time to connect with each other. We cannot be afraid to face reality. We must open our eyes and ears to the lessons and truths in our lives, even when it means disclosing stories that make us uncomfortable. We may touch another life, and make a difference in ways we can’t imagine.

 

© Andrea Clement


Andrea Clement Santiago is a career advice columnist, writer, and communications professional. Her background in medical sales, training, and healthcare recruiting led to her role as the Guide to Health Careers for About.com, an IAC company. She has contributed to books, journals, websites and has made media appearances on television and radio in her capacity as a healthcare career expert. She writes about her experience as an adult orphan on her blog, No Parents No Problem. Learn more about Andrea here. Follow Andrea on Twitter at @AndreaSantiago, or connect with her on LinkedIn.


 

You May Also Enjoy

  • Purse-suit of Happiness
  • Suggestible
  • Addiction: Brain Doping to Enhance Your Life?
  • How to Comfort Someone Who Is Stressed

 

FacebooktwitterpinterestlinkedinmailFacebooktwitterpinterestlinkedinmail

Filed Under: Family Dynamics, Health, Parenting Tagged With: addiction, Andrea, guest, mothers day, real women real life, women and alcohol

Comments

  1. Pam@over50feeling40 says

    May 9, 2013 at 11:41 am

    This is a very powerful post and one I needed to read today.
    Thank you so much for your willingness to share it.

    Reply
  2. Jane McLaughlin says

    May 9, 2013 at 1:44 pm

    You post today is so moving and inspiring – what a wonderful friend you are for sharing a painful part of your life with her and on this blog. Thank you for adding meaningful dialogue to my day

    Reply
  3. Curtis says

    May 9, 2013 at 8:43 pm

    Thank you Andrea. It is interesting how certain events can have a positive outcome. I have always been open about my personal life, whereas keeping secrets is part of what I do for a living.

    The most important thing that resonates from your article is that the meaning of life (at least per Curtis) is relationships and experiences.

    Reply
  4. Lisa K says

    May 9, 2013 at 9:22 pm

    I think you are amazing, talented, forthcoming and more! I suppose we never know what sharing a little experience, strength and hope from our own life can do for another. ❤

    Reply
  5. Andrea Clement Santiago says

    May 9, 2013 at 10:51 pm

    Thanks Pam & Jane. I’m so glad others could benefit from this story. I’m so thankful to my friend for hearing it and for taking the time to share how it impacted her. Otherwise, part of me might still feel guilty for sharing it.

    Curtis thank you for your feedback too. Now i have to ask why secrets are part of your job… Are you a lawyer or a therapist? A doctor or a spy? 🙂 …and Lisa, you are making me blush!!! Thank you for your kind words. 🙂

    Reply
    • BigLittleWolf says

      May 10, 2013 at 2:41 pm

      My thanks again, Andrea, for sharing your experience. There’s so much we can learn from this act of generosity, telling our own stories in the right way at the right time. It helps us; it helps others.

      Reply
  6. Cecilia says

    May 10, 2013 at 9:13 am

    Yes, Andrea, this is amazing. You saved someone’s life.

    When I started blogging a few years ago I really struggled with how much to tell. I also come from a culture where even experiences like cancer are considered taboo and shameful. My mother would hear me chat openly and intimately with a girlfriend and accuse me of not being a true member of our culture. I spent decades forcing my voice down but have only recently started to let it out. Thanks so much for writing about not just your mother but about the fact that you too have felt shame. It is encouraging for those of us who are still struggling with our own voices.

    Reply
  7. vicki archer says

    May 10, 2013 at 1:10 pm

    Why is honesty so difficult to face about our own lives.. and yet we so easily discuss and have opinions on the way others live their lives..
    It takes courage to be this brave… I salute you… xv

    Reply
  8. Curtis says

    May 12, 2013 at 9:58 am

    Vicki, I think sometimes people are not honest about their own lives as it may hurt or that they may wish to be in a state of denial. Close friends and family who are willing to address these issues help. Having lived in denial and having addressed the hurt, I think most people would like the state of open and honest communication.

    Andrea, I’d tell but………lol

    Reply
  9. Rudri Bhatt Patel @ Being Rudri says

    May 14, 2013 at 12:30 am

    Your experience with your friend proves that we can never underestimate the power of vulnerability. We never know what others carry. By shedding our own skin we may change the direction of another’s life. Powerful post. Thank you.

    Reply

Trackbacks

  1. Friday Pix: Recommended Reading For The Weekend | RealDelia says:
    May 10, 2013 at 2:25 pm

    […] And if you’re an alcoholic – or know one – you should definitely read Andrea Clement Santiago’s post about recovery on Big Little Wolf’s Daily Plate of […]

    Reply
  2. Cause of Death: It’s Complicated | No Parents, No Problem says:
    August 24, 2016 at 6:04 pm

    […] part 2 of this story – see Sober Truth, Secret Salvation, for the […]

    Reply

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

 

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Follow Us

FacebooktwitterrssinstagramFacebooktwitterrssinstagram

Search Daily Plate of Crazy

Subscribe for Your Daily Serving

Enter your email address:

Delivered by FeedBurner

Categories

Archives

Recent Comments

  • Anonymous on Does Effort Matter If You Don’t Get Results?
  • D. A. Wolf on Mantras
  • D. A. Wolf on Over 50, Unemployed, Depressed and Powerless
  • Marty on When You Marry a Loner
  • Tina on Would You Brag About Your Age?
  • Sal on Over 50, Unemployed, Depressed and Powerless
  • Open More Doors If You Want More Skills - 3 Plus International on Open More Doors If You Want More Skills
  • Leonora C on Over 50, Unemployed, Depressed and Powerless
  • Maree on Mantras
  • kate on DON’T Call Me Dear!
  • Stephanie on Narcissism. Manipulation. Keeping Score.
  • S on When a Couple Wants Different Things

The Makeover Series

Daily Plate of Crazy: The Makeover Series

Essays From Guest Writers

Daily Plate of Crazy: Essay Series

Daily Reads

Daily Plate of Crazy Blogroll

Follow

Follow

Notices

All content on this site, DailyPlateOfCrazy.com, is copyrighted by D. A. Wolf unless copyright is otherwise attributed to guest writers. Do not use, borrow, repost or create derivative works without permission.

© D. A. Wolf 2009-2025. All Rights Reserved.

Parlez-vous francais?

Daily Plate of Crazy: En Français

© D. A. Wolf 2009-2025
All Rights Reserved

Daily Plate of Crazy ™

Privacy Notice

Popular This Month

  • 50 Years old and Starting Over
  • Best Places to Live When You're Over 50 and Reinventing
  • When the Person You Love Is Emotionally Unavailable
  • When a Couple Wants Different Things
  • How to Comfort Someone Who Is Stressed

Food for Thought

  • Why I Choose to Think Like a Man
  • When You Marry a Loner
  • Emotionally Needy Parents
  • Sex vs. Lovemaking: Why Are We So Confused?
  • Think Looks Don't Pay?
  • Rebranding Mediocrity: Why Good Enough Isn't Good Enough

Copyright © 2025 · Metro Pro Theme on Genesis Framework · WordPress · Log in

This site uses cookies for the best browsing experience. By continuing to use this site, you accept our Cookie Policy.
Cookie SettingsACCEPT
Manage consent

Privacy Overview

This website uses cookies to improve your experience while you navigate through the website. Out of these, the cookies that are categorized as necessary are stored on your browser as they are essential for the working of basic functionalities of the website. We also use third-party cookies that help us analyze and understand how you use this website. These cookies will be stored in your browser only with your consent. You also have the option to opt-out of these cookies. But opting out of some of these cookies may affect your browsing experience.
Necessary
Always Enabled
Necessary cookies are absolutely essential for the website to function properly. These cookies ensure basic functionalities and security features of the website, anonymously.
CookieDurationDescription
cookielawinfo-checkbox-analytics11 monthsThis cookie is set by GDPR Cookie Consent plugin. The cookie is used to store the user consent for the cookies in the category "Analytics".
cookielawinfo-checkbox-functional11 monthsThe cookie is set by GDPR cookie consent to record the user consent for the cookies in the category "Functional".
cookielawinfo-checkbox-necessary11 monthsThis cookie is set by GDPR Cookie Consent plugin. The cookies is used to store the user consent for the cookies in the category "Necessary".
cookielawinfo-checkbox-others11 monthsThis cookie is set by GDPR Cookie Consent plugin. The cookie is used to store the user consent for the cookies in the category "Other.
cookielawinfo-checkbox-performance11 monthsThis cookie is set by GDPR Cookie Consent plugin. The cookie is used to store the user consent for the cookies in the category "Performance".
viewed_cookie_policy11 monthsThe cookie is set by the GDPR Cookie Consent plugin and is used to store whether or not user has consented to the use of cookies. It does not store any personal data.
Functional
Functional cookies help to perform certain functionalities like sharing the content of the website on social media platforms, collect feedbacks, and other third-party features.
Performance
Performance cookies are used to understand and analyze the key performance indexes of the website which helps in delivering a better user experience for the visitors.
Analytics
Analytical cookies are used to understand how visitors interact with the website. These cookies help provide information on metrics the number of visitors, bounce rate, traffic source, etc.
Advertisement
Advertisement cookies are used to provide visitors with relevant ads and marketing campaigns. These cookies track visitors across websites and collect information to provide customized ads.
Others
Other uncategorized cookies are those that are being analyzed and have not been classified into a category as yet.
SAVE & ACCEPT