I consider myself a private person – despite openness in my writing, and an extroverted side that coexists contentedly with my introversion. I feel no compulsion to share every aspect of my life.
I know who I am. I own my virtues and my faults. I rely on the lessons of my experience, and I am constantly learning.
My closest friends and loved ones experience a “me” that is the result.
Do they know who I am? Over time, yes.
But… Do they know me in an absolute fashion? Do we ever fully know who we’re with?
I contend that unless you’ve known someone for years – and even then, there’s no guarantee – you can’t be certain you know who you’re with. We all close off corners of our personal spaces: We act out of fear, out of need, out of habit; we protect ourselves from hurt, we protect others from hurt, we compartmentalize.
Secret Lives? Film at 11
It’s a line from not one, but two classic films: “Do you know who you’re with?”
I recall it from a scene in “You’ve Got Mail” as Tom Hanks references its origins in a famous exchange in “The Godfather.” Those may not be the words verbatim, but they capture the essence of the message – that you may not understand the company you’re keeping, and ignorance may deliver disastrous consequences.
Would you like an example that is less dramatic than the bloody horse head scene in Scorsese’s epic?
Try this: the con artist whose family has no idea what he’s up to. Or: the bigamist who carries on a double life. Perhaps you prefer this remarkably common theme: the doting wife and mother (or husband and father), mired in an affair, and no one’s the wiser.
If you wonder about these examples of ongoing infidelity, statistics – no doubt underreported – certainly back them up. And on that subject… reported physical or emotional infidelity occurs in some 41% of marriages.
The Most Common Example: Infidelity
I recently saw a wonderful indie film, 28 Hotel Rooms, the story of a one night stand that turns into a long-term albeit ambiguous relationship. She has a husband, he has a girlfriend; eventually he marries, though the affair continues.
Setting aside the moral high ground for a moment, it’s a fascinating view of a double life times two, as the audience peeks in on a patchwork of encounters that take place in 28 hotel rooms.
Do we think these things don’t happen? As I said, infidelity statistics suggest otherwise.
Do the respective partners in this tale have any idea? From the storyline as it plays out, no.
Would they be shocked to find out? Feel utterly betrayed? If their respective spouses are as trusting as they are portrayed (and so many of us are?), surely that’s a yes on both counts.
So. Do these fictional spouses know who they’re with?
A more benign version? Consider Neil Simon’s classic play turned film, “Same Time Next Year,” as a man and woman tryst annually for decades. And I ask again: Do we ever really know who we’re with?
Character Disorder, Divorce Nightmare
Taking a step beyond the notion of the hidden romantic relationship, I’d like to mention a column that I found illuminating, published on April 9, 2013 in the Huffington Post. In it, Tracy Schorn addresses divorcing the character disordered spouse. She interviews psychologist Dr. George Simon who has spent some 25+ years studying personality and character, specifically, individuals with character disorder.
As I made my way through the article, I thought of the line: “Do you know who you’re with?” I also thought of the many columns I’ve read, not to mention comments in person, that suggest we “choose badly” when it comes to romantic partners (thus bringing trouble on ourselves?) – as if we can foresee the ways people may change, much less seeing through the polished performances of those who are expert at hiding aspects of themselves.
It was only days after reading Ms. Schorn’s piece that I popped the “You’ve Got Mail” CD into my computer for a nice-and-easy late evening laugh, and the hairs on the back of my neck stood up when I heard that line: “Do you know who you’re with?”
Trust, Time, the Unknown
Sometimes, we never truly know who we’re with. Or, we don’t know who we’re dealing with until the years reassure us. Unfortunately, during those years the individual may also reveal their true character – to our dismay or disbelief.
Most of us?
I’m convinced that we are who we say we are, we are who we show ourselves to be, and while we may keep certain aspects of our lives private – no harm done. Once we’ve established a baseline of trust, presenting anything other than who we are wouldn’t even occur to us. Sure, we like to put on a good face, but we deal from a place of truth, and we receive in kind.
So what about relationships that go awry? What about marriages in which you trust the one you’re with, and they turn out to be someone else entirely? What if certain events trigger a side of that person you never knew was there? What if it takes you years to realize that you’re living in the shadows of emotional abuse? Or, the person you thought you knew is acting out from a deeply disturbing place in his or her own story?
We might turn to Mad Men’s Don Draper as an obvious example in contemporary conversation, at least, in so far as he looms large on our screens and in our pop culture psyche. After all, from a dark childhood and a need to escape it, he appropriated a new name and crafted himself an entirely new identity. We’ve even cheered him on, while disdaining many of his actions.
Boston
As my wheels began churning immediately on Ms. Schorn’s article in the context of love and marriage, it came to mind again just over a week later, painfully, as details about the Boston Marathon bombing began to come out, I thought of the 19-year old suspect in custody. I chided myself for my own mixed feelings – disturbing and contradictory feelings – and the ongoing discussion of maternal sympathy he aroused.
Let me be clear: The events of that day are horrific, unfathomable, and tragic. I cannot comprehend justification for such an act – anywhere for any reason – much less the ability for a person to divorce himself or herself from the consequences.
Nonetheless, I find myself thinking about my own parenting, and like other parents, I recognize the period of time during which our teenagers take a turn around the dark side of the moon. In other words, they transform from the little ones we knew intimately into emerging young adults. They purposely and necessarily begin to pull away. They cease sharing their thoughts and feelings. Naturally, we no longer know them as we once did.
That doesn’t mean we don’t communicate, instill values, and hope the seeds we’ve planted have taken root. Nor does it imply we haven’t done our best – continuing to make ourselves available and influential – and then some.
So the mothers among us may look at the ghastly scene in Boston and we’re bewildered, we’re frightened, and we want to understand. We’re seeking answers, perhaps in recognition that once beyond our sphere of influence, we can never be certain who our children will become.
“Choose Your Partner Well”
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard it and read it, especially recently with the media spotlight on Sheryl Sandburg’s “Lean In.” Ms. Sandburg reminds women of the importance of choosing a supportive spouse.
As if we could predict the future. As if anyone would knowingly choose poorly. As if we all, always, know who we’re with.
I find the statement that we should choose our spouses well — even the suggestion and its underlying blaming — infuriating.
This is one of the reasons I believe it’s critical to take your time, though that’s no guarantee. This is why I believe that knowing family is important, though it isn’t always possible and again, guarantees nothing.
Aren’t there times when we think we know who we’re with, but we discover months or possibly years later, that while there may have been signs, we didn’t know how to read them? Or, there were no signs whatsoever?
As an aside, this article at The Broad Side does an excellent job of addressing the Sandburg assumptions around the importance of choosing a supportive life partner.
More on Character Disorder
Wanting to better understand how manipulation, evasion and other tools work so effectively, I researched more of Dr. Simon’s writings. This article is helpful in defining character disorder as it first addresses personality, which Dr. Simon explains as:
… the unique “style” of interaction with others and the world at large that a person adopts over time. Someone’s personality, therefore, is defined by the habitual ways they tend to see things and the relatively predictable ways they go about conducting their relationships…
As for character, it is:
those aspects of an individual’s personality that indicate the degree to which his or her personality traits reflect socially desirable qualities such as self-control, ethics, loyalty, fortitude, etc. So, the term ‘character’ generally refers to the extent of one’s virtuousness and social conscientiousness.
In a series of linked articles which I highly recommend, Dr. Simon elaborates on the behavioral tools of the character disordered individual, among them guilt-tripping, issue-changing, and manipulating through intimidation. On that last, he writes:
… all of the tactics have the power to be effective because they conceal clearly obvious aggressive or exploitive intent while simultaneously putting the other person unconsciously on the defensive. No tactic works better at putting others on the defensive than the tactic of intimidation, which can be overt or covert.
Don’t Blame the Victim
Please note clearly: These tactics are effective because they are often concealed initially. The character disordered individual may be a master at mask.
What causes these behaviors? How do we deal with them if we’ve arrived at a point of recognizing their existence?
These are questions I leave to the professionals. I am nonetheless relieved that those of us who’ve been on the receiving end may now feel less crazy!
I’m reminded that we must stop pointing a finger at those who fall victim to the charm and manipulation of often charismatic personalities, and the vast array of manipulative skills in the arsenal of those who are character disordered. We must stop tossing out trite and superficial pronouncements in any context – personal, professional, even parental – that we should somehow know better, or we should have chosen more wisely.
Select our romantic partners well? Raise our children with all the positive models we can muster? Seek like-minded and ethical business partners?
We’re certain we have.
But isn’t it a matter of time will tell? Can we ever be sure we know who we’re with?
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Husband of almost 20 years— leaves in the middle of the night to run off with a woman overseas he’d been in an e-Harmony relationship with. My/His family and I are stunned. I kept asking my best friend, “He wasn’t always like this, was he? I didn’t just not see that he was lying to me all along, did I? ” I’ve spent time looking back at the years and picking out pieces, clues, things I should have seen and acknowledged but didn’t, either chose not to or just didn’t.
Your article makes me think. Maybe he was always like this…
Oh, Madelia. How do you ever put the pieces back together… And yes, Dr. Simon’s insights shed a different light on what may be waiting all along.
What an insightful article. I think the answer is ‘no’. We don’t ever really know who we’re with (although there are exceptions). I found out more about just ‘who’ I was married to for 18 years, during the divorce process. The character disorder you refer to I believe my ex had some of those qualities. He now has problems dealing with our son and it is the result of the narcissism. I will read more of the Dr. Simon articles you recommend.
Lisa, thank you for stopping by to read and comment. The divorcing process can be full of surprising disclosures, can’t it… And the aftermath may prove just as illuminating.
Like you, I’m going to continue to read these articles (there are many). I’m seeing applicability in all sorts of areas, in a number of relationships. And you know what they say – knowledge is power.
D.A.
As you may have guessed, this article is completely applicable to the situation I have surprisingly found myself living in. And I have to say that your references are excellent. Although I thought I had made a pretty thorough survey of the literature on personality disorders, this work on character disorders is new, helpful, and possibly very revealing. This may switch my focus from worrying about my partner’s long-term well-being to my own current well-being.
Like you, I found the originating article (Tracy’s) and subsequent writing by Dr. Simon to be eye-opening. In some small way, I feel lightened.
As to your remark that it may shift your focus, I understand. Ideally, at least for myself, I’d like to find that place of reasonable balance between the other’s well-being and my own – hopefully in a nice Venn diagram with a great deal of overlap.
It may be almost impossible to really, completely know another person. Change often results from our experiences and circumstances. I do think it’s important to try and see a potential partner during every season…and I’m not talking about the temperature!. It’s important to see them during their happy, carefree spring moments, but more importantly, it’s vital to see how they handle the dark, cold, winter moments of life as well. Entrepreneur and I are going on 33 years this July, and I believe we’ve both morphed into different people over the decades because of our experiences both together and individually. Better in some ways, in some ways not so much. And I simply love the phrase period of time during which our teenagers take a turn around the dark side of the moon. Been there, done that for sure. Knowledge is power, for sure….and hindsight is always 20/20!!
Thank you for writing about character disorders and pointing out the fact that “victims” don’t choose partners because they want to be victims. How absurd that people even suggest such things by saying, “You should have known better or chosen better.” Sometimes you just don’t know who you’ve chosen. 🙂
Madelia: Husband runs off… he was lying to me all along.
The pressure to conform, to satisfy others, to be what is perceived as normal, to do the right thing as either defined by others or interpreted by the individual. And that even includes one’s spouse, the person with whom you are supposed to be totally open and honest. Being what you think everybody wants you to be instead of being who you are. The pressure can be enormous and sometimes, like a covered pot with no escape value, the whole thing explodes. Be open and honest? And risk being laughed at, criticised, ostracised, or even arrested? I’m talking about marriage but I could be talking about being gay or anything which supposedly doesn’t fit the so-called norm. Whatever the case, the person tries to do what is expected of them as opposed to being themselves and sooner or later, something’s got to give.
I know the abandoned spouse wonders what happened. But I asked the question, Why did that @#$%^* bastard divorce me? curious to discover just what was going on in the other person’s head. There must be a logical explanation. Unfortunately, we may never get that chance for an open and honest dialogue and will never find out what was going on.
I apologise, Ms. Wolf, for these references but talking about character disorders reminded me of an uncle who one day abruptly got up and walked out on his business, his home, his wife, and his three children. Why would any man do such a thing? Just because he’s a bastard? There has to be more to it than that.
NPD: Diagnosing that @#$%^* bastard
Oh my D.A., you have outdone yourself. There is enough here to base a dissertation on. Let me first say I have no qualifications or special training. That said I have been the biggest fool in my personal life, and had a career criminal in my professional life try to set me up but had the intelligence to stop it and involve the proper authorities.
There are many reasons why we may not know someone, or, we know someone but they change or have an aspect of their life change so they are no longer the same person. These reasons may include a dark secret they do not reveal because it will harm them, mental illness, personality and character disorders, addiction, the pursuit of power or money, obsessive behaviour, a long term transition in relation to certain aspects, or life altering events.
It is important that average people are aware of such individuals, know how to spot their behaviour and effectively know how to deal (or not deal with them). The key is to be able to recognize and act just like one would for normal behaviour (e.g. anger, anxiety, joy, etc) and not be consumed or exhausted by the process. Often when one is on the receiving end of inappropriate behaviour it is common to be more wary, have a decrease in positive attributes (such as trust or openness), and even become obsessed with the notions and such “bad” individuals. People should have other wise people (not just educated) and good judges of character that can view the person to see if there are issues. A psychiatrist, prosecutor, and a poker player would not hurt.
Since we are dealing with romantic partnerships and spouses, I will restrict my comments for now to these people. Generally women are more attuned to how good the relationship is going, tend to emphasize the possible negative outcomes, and file for divorce more often, hence it is usually the male who is blindsided by the end of the relationship. That said infidelity blindsides the other party regardless of gender. At this point it is natural for the blindsided party to feel like they do not and never knew the person they were in a relationship with. The reality is that they in fact usually did know the person but chose to ignore the negative behaviour, red flags and neon signs.
This understanding may not come quickly or ever if the aggrieved person does not honestly review the relationship and especially if they enjoy being, or playing, the victim. That said there are fewer situations where only over time and events does one become aware of the more subtle and insidious signs.
Finally there is a smaller group yet where they are adept and daresay evil in their planning and execution of actions, which may rarely or never come to the attention of any for a long time (to use a non-marriage example Bernie Madoff). In these latter two examples you can say you never knew the person, but these are the minority. While the people in the first category who think they are like aggrieved persons in the latter two groups, the persons in the latter two categories would only have been too happy to have the relationship end in an affair and the relationship over with no contact. It is these latter two groups that Dr Simon seems to be discussing for the most part.
You will notice that I distinguished mental illness from addiction, and from personality and character disorders above. The reason for this is that I feel that in the Western World we too often pigeonhole (including behaviour), analyze being limited by our pigeon-holing, devolve a line of treatment or way to fix, and in the process excuse the behaviour, develop empathy, and minimize the bad actions by the individual.
The reality is that we now classify certain actions and disorders as mental health or psychiatric issues. These are largely found in the DSM and American publication used by clinicians, but more importantly used by insurance, government and business for billing and statistics. Sorry some “disorders” are really people being assholes and guess what? They can control their behavior without a DSM diagnosis, treatment or medications.
Further, the justification, normalization and minimizing of bad acts shifts an empathy to the bad actor and not those affected by the bad acts. I am not saying that people with mental illness should not get help, in fact I am very in favor of this, but I am saying that all bad behaviour is not the result of a mental illness and need not have deference.
In order to deal with such people one needs to have an understanding of people and their behaviour. You need to also be able to spot the behaviour and know how to act in an effective way. Further you need to have peace in one’s own mind and confidence to deal with matters effectively. Finally you need to have a plan that is flexible.
I think D.A. is correct in that over time it is difficult to hide behaviour that is negative. Sometimes the question becomes – how much time? There is an exception, which is one may be acting poorly in one aspect of their life (which is usually their personal life) and perform very well in another aspect (usually in their professional life). Usually a person with mental illness, a character or personality disorder, or an addiction can only hold things together for so long before they expose themselves. Again there is an exception, which is the sociopath who holds it together because they do not have the stress of morals and rules in their thoughts.
One can watch behaviour, behaviour with others, input from others and what a person says to learn and determine their character. If you begin to understand psychology you can even put them in situations and observe their behaviour. For a simplistic example, a narcissist you could disagree with, and perhaps even be quite critical of some aspect of their life. If they are hurt, inquisitive, etc. this would suggest a lack of narcissism. If they went ballistic and enraged it may be something to watch.
Finally, Madelia I am so sorry for you and your family. I do not know the circumstances of your situation, you, your ex or your families. That said I am hearing this more and more often, especially with men in their 40s and 50s who have been good parents and generally had a good life, then ba-boom. They give it all up and move away with little or no contact with anyone. If there is any saving grace, the new relationships seem only to last 2-5 years and then they are adrift looking to come back or for another greener pasture.
Paula I agree that there should be no fault on the victim or target of bad acts. Did anyone blame the Cambodians for being naïve before they were killed or that they did not run fast enough? This mentality is asinine.
One must acknowledge that you may probably know the reasons, there may be no reasons, and it doesn’t matter what the reason was. While many torment themselves, many try to forgive and many others enjoy being the victim, I find the Jewish notion and tradition very effective “You’re dead to me” – and move on with Buddhist thought, Sun Tsu actions, and a snifter of Grand Marnier.
(Food for thought – are we producing more damaged people or are we just becoming aware of them?)
D.A., another wonderful post. I just bought two of Dr. Simon’s books because the idea of character disorder is one I wasn’t familiar with but it appears to be why the difficulties I have with my husband have been so frustrating. Any time I bring up something that he has neglected, like working for a living or drinking too much (1 large bottle of wine a night, now down to 1 small bottle) or never having sex with me, he counters with something like “why do you have so many magazines around the place?” He seemed like the sweetest guy when we married, but there’s a streak in him that is “attack dog.” I keep hoping to understand him and hoping I can find find my way out of this marriage. By the reviews, it appears that these books might offer both a way to understand and a way to deflect silly “grievances” when I’m trying to deal with really major issues … an unfair financial burden, with me shouldering everything, possible alcoholism, and a sexless marriage. Thank you so much for your writing. You’re making a difference in people’s lives. I’m sure I’m not the only one. And, no, I didn’t know this man. I married him much too quickly.
Married for Now, Thank you so much for the kind words. They mean a great deal to me. I’m glad you feel comfortable coming here and commenting. What I learn by reading others’ remarks is at least as much as what I do in reading and putting together my own thoughts. Dr. Simon’s words have truly given me a different perspective which is already enormously helpful.
Like you, I believe that understanding can make a difference. The more we explore and try to understand, the better equipped we are to make good decisions – for ourselves and those we care for, and with the least collateral damage. There seem to be so many of us in what feels like leaky boats when it comes to our relationships. Some may be irreparable, but I’m convinced that others are not if we have the knowledge and tools to know what we’re dealing with.
And you aren’t alone, certainly, in feeling that you married too quickly.
It sounds like you’re facing such a heavy burden, MFN. I’m so sorry you’re living with this, and wish I could be of more help.
I think that just as somebody might have perfect vision in their twenties, hit a certain point and they might need reading glasses, so too there may be “things” going on in the brain – affected by hormones, chemical exposure, age deterioration, whatever – that impact behavior and thinking. So while it’s possible that the partner you chose was a secret sociopath all along, it’s ALSO possible that s/he was a relatively decent person and the part of the brain that reined in the a$$clown behaviors just ain’t working any more. In neither case is the partner at fault for “choosing poorly.”
What a thought-provoking post. Do we ever know who we’re with? I barely know who I’m with when I’m just with me. The human psyche can be both simple in its patterns but complex in its timing. Why is someone happily married one moment and horribly unhappy the next? I don’t know. But I do know that once we give up trying to predict the actions of who we’re with there’s a sigh of relief. Nobody “should” do anything. There is only the reality of what happened and the stories we create about that person and that event. It’s the stories created that make or break us.
Thanks, D.A., for another challenging post. The current chapter of my story is demonstrated by cordiality towards my ex, who tells me he finds fumbling around on his own without me and our sons as a marker in his life—difficult. I believe that, but it doesn’t concern me. I don’t know if he’s still with the e-Harmony girl; that doesn’t concern me either.
I didn’t know who I was with, perhaps, but I know who I’m *not* with, and I know who I am without him. That’s enough for now.
I do wonder, though — what if I’d been the bolter? What made me not be? Easy answer for me: the kids. No way I could ever walk away from my children just because I was unhappy. But without them? It surely could have been me. I could have been on the other side of this conversation.
No it is impossible to really know someone. Like someone mentioned in an earlier post, most of us do not even know ourselves and how we would react in any given situation until it comes along. That is why it is important not to judge anyone. And, no I do not practice what I preach.
That said, I had read in a Psychology Today article recently about affairs and who is most likely to get into one. The article said you really cannot tell and that whether you have an affair is more about opportunity and circumstances than about how moral or devoted you are. In other words, those who have been faithful may be because the right situation did not present itself.
Another comment: the guy who sweeps you off your feet and proposes marriage right away is less about romance and more because he wants to marry you before you figure out what he is really like. Once again, our lovely romantic comedies and fairy tales have not done us any favors. If we were not so clouded by this fantasy, we could open up our eyes and see the character disorder signs.