Do you fight with your lover, with your husband, with your wife? Or do you go out of your way to avoid confrontation?
“No fighting,” I’d say to my kids, if an argument broke out.
If the fracas escalated, I resorted to sending my little warriors to their respective spaces, which appealed to the Weary Mother, but did nothing to solve the source of the wrangling. We’ll chalk this maternal move up to Sanity Saving. But is it a good idea, in general? Don’t we all fight with the ones we love?
Shouldn’t we learn how to fight effectively?
Who hasn’t picked a fight over nothing? Who hasn’t walked away from a dispute, when they should have stayed and hashed things out?
An Unusual Valentine Suggestion
An opinion piece in the New York Times offers an unusual Valentine suggestion to couples. It is a note, a sort of promissory note for future fights, with a commitment to:
… write about our next three fights, as though I were a neutral observer.
In other words, we admit that we’ll have our spats, our off days, and our polarized positions. But in the spirit of accepting that conflict will arise, we can reduce the likelihood of “dirty fights” via this exercise.
Theoretically, by writing from an objective viewpoint after the fact, we might arrive at more rational discussions and fewer over-the-top (hurtful) arguments.
There’s Fighting, and There’s Fighting Fair
While the article offers some research in this area, specifically dealing with married couples, naturally, it comes with caveats. For example, interventions of this sort – assessing an argument as if a third party – won’t stop the erosion of a union that is already rife with problems.
Personally, I like this idea, though the author recommends that as a Valentine, the promise “to turn fights into short-story workshops” may be sweeter if accompanied by a box of chocolates.
Yet reflecting on my own marriage, this exercise would not have worked as my ex and I rarely fought. Instead we avoided contentious subjects. Or, when a disagreement would arise, loathing confrontation, I typically backed down.
In considering other relationships, I’ve never been one to argue with a partner, though I certainly got into it with my kids a few times during their teenage years.
A Fair Fight Yields Lessons
Looking back, those fights were unpleasant, but generally speaking they were valuable in the end. Not only did we come to see each other as human, as vulnerable, as flexible – we listened. When appropriate (for example, after jumping to conclusions or yelling), apologies followed.
I understood more about the whys and wherefores of what they were doing (or wanted to do); ultimately, exchange of points of view resulted.
Still – what about the “no fighting rule” so many of us were taught as kids, that we pass along (mechanically) to our own children? What about all of us who were taught not to fight? Is this what leads to the long, silent build-up of resentments, and the seeping out of passive aggressive behaviors? Is this what leads to picking fights?
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“Is this what leads to the long, silent build-up of resentments, and the seeping out of passive aggressive behaviors? Is this what leads to picking fights?”
You must be talking about my past marriage in this article. Yes, the above was us. He came from a family where his mother and father fought a lot. He made a pact with himself not to fight. We could never “discuss” anything. It led to him being passive aggressive and yes, me picking fights. I felt unheard and crazy because I would think we would come to agreements on things and he would turn around and do what he wanted. It was not good or healthy.
I am now in a relationship where we occasionally fight. After the emotions are under control, sometimes after we blow steam and have a good laugh or take a couple days to think about it, we are able to talk about why we are feeling the way we feel. I never had this during my 22 year marriage. It’s refreshing. It is enabling me to grow and be a better communicator. Being comfortable in this way which means fewer arguments because I feel heard and respected so things don’t become a big deal.
Since my divorce, and maybe a little before, I’ve taught my kids that we will not agree on everything. It’s okay to get mad, but we will discuss it….period. I feel this has brought us closer because it has shown them people are real, people get angry, and people can work things out when they want to.
My sweetie and I have similar values and overlaps in interests, but somewhat different personalities (even though we are both INTJ). And personalities are the things that don’t change, although particular behaviors can be modified by attention or habit. We get very intense and focused at times, Fran probably more than me. I tend not to engage after a while, feeling it would be pointless, but wait for a later opportunity to reconsider the topic. That can frustrate Fran. She doesn’t scream or throw things, so what constitutes a fight? Basically, she (we) recover wonderfully after a spell, and that’s anticipated. Happy Valentine’s Day.
When I raised a contentious issue or did not respond in the desired manner to a contentious issue raised by my wife, I was confronted with crying and distraught behaviour, or, an anger and rage that would become ballistic. In response I essentially did whatever my wife wanted as I loved her greatly and thought as long as she was happy, that was the most important thing. I now realize that this is really being a doormat and not healthy in a loving relationship. What is really odd is that this was in contrast to my training, my largely Celtic heritage and demeanor, and my business and professional life where I am apparently seen as quite tough. This is another reason I avoided fighting because I knew I could win the argument (from a business and logical point of view) but lose the argument (from a relationship and a loving point of view).
As a result of the responses of my wife I avoided contentious topics and often did not engage. I have been observing and watching other couples. This seems to be common for men to avoid or withdraw as I now observe. Disengaging I think can be harmful for both parties and the relationship. The wives then think the men are cold and disinterested, which is not true. The parties lose connection over time and resentments on both sides build. On the other hand it seems as if some women push men to get an emotional or over the top response, then invalidate the response (which is bizarre to me). Some caring, logical and even tempered responses by men are seen as clinical and cold. As a man it seems like there is no possible correct response at times.
I think I may get a golden retriever.
Curtis,
You said it so well…after awhile both parties lose connection and resentments build. It is possible, as a man or woman, to have a correct response. My current partner has taught me to slow my tongue, be quick to listen, and slow to anger (from the Bible). This helps greatly. Like I said above, we rarely argue. Over the past five years of knowing him only a couple have we raised our voices. When we have it’s usually when we’ve forgotten to follow that verse.
It is such an art to know how to fight in a marriage and stay married! We (women, especially) are so conditioned to not fight that we do end up with pent up frustration and resentment. Speaking from experience, I know how hard it is to fight constructively. But any sort of disagreement always messes with my psyche. Our daughters spent about 6 months being mad at each other and I think it was harder on me than on them!
We are indeed conditioned not to fight, Lisa! It’s a problem. I wonder if / how much of this sort of thing is hard-wired, yet even saying that, I know I’ve gotten much better at dealing with confrontation in a constructive way. (These are learnable skills. Why aren’t they taught to us – somehow, somewhere, if not in the home?)