The secret to your success?
You do what you say. You’re dogged in your determination. Whatever you set your mind to accomplish – you do.
Or not. And if not, you try again. You reconsider, revisit, reconfigure. You reinvent.
When on a particular path – toward a personal goal or a professional one – and you see that your methods aren’t quite doing it, how do you manage a turnaround?
Do you lay out your plans and pour over them? Do you dissect your objectives to see if they remain reasonable? Do you dig in and work harder? What if you’ve done this all before – when you hoped to shed those 20 pounds, pump up your sex life, motivate your teenager to take school more seriously, or nail that corner office?
Secret to Success
The New York Times relates several stories that suggest a shift in the usual approach to going after and getting what we want: a serious dose of self-awareness.
In “Secret Ingredient for Success,” we are told the story of one Mr. Chang, who changed course after years of work and dedication, unable to achieve the success he hoped for as a restaurateur. But that changed, when
… he looked inward and subjected himself to brutal self-assessment.
The article goes on to offer other examples (and stories) of turnarounds in super-achievers, emphasizing that self-awareness is the critical ingredient that is often missing in the most talented and hardworking who nonetheless miss an opportunity for lack of digging in and getting clear on what’s not working.
Failure?
There are those who don’t like the term “failure.” (I’m one of them.) Yet failure is a fact of life. We may set goals in a specific realm and come up short (semi-failure? semi-success?), or not meet those goals at all.
We may deviate from an original path, and consequently find ourselves somewhere more interesting, more fulfilling, more lucrative, more meaningful; we may even toss out the need to label where we are – if we feel we the need to claim a destination at all – and in so doing, determinations of success or failure simply fall away as we experience both process and accomplishments and continue creating and learning from both.
All that sounds very nice (I tell myself), but it doesn’t change the fact that some issues are clear-cut: we target schools because they offer the best options for our aspirations; we target a weight or BMI or cholesterol level because it indicates a healthier lifestyle; we set our sights on the corner office and the job that goes with it because we’re convinced it’s where we belong.
But what if we can’t get there? What if everything we try – repeatedly – doesn’t land the prize? Not even close?
Real World Constraints… Or Excuses?
Left out of this article are the ages of those used as examples at each point of self-assessment leading to turnaround. After all, can’t we agree that at 35, we have less to lose than at 55? (We have more time to recoup our losses.) What is the health of those used as our models of super-achievers thinking outside the box? Their propensity for risk? And what is at risk? Home? Life savings? Marriage? Nest egg for the kids?
Are these constraints… or excuses?
Returning to the Times article, it’s clear this journey into self-awareness isn’t for lightweights. It necessitates a process that is exceptionally rigorous and potentially disorienting. Citing Professor Chris Argyris, business theorist and professor emeritus at Harvard, we must:
question every aspect of our approach, including our methodology, biases and deeply held assumptions. This more psychologically nuanced self-examination requires that we honestly challenge our beliefs and summon the courage to act on that information…
Self-examination may be the key that unlocks a more open mind (relative to our approach and even our goals), the big (or small) reveal that convinces us we may not be suited to our goals after all, or the discovery that something is lacking in us – even temporarily – needed to turn failure into success, or a so-so performance into the sort of win we’re really looking for.
Help Along the Way
And if we’re willing to pour through our motivations and our methods? If we’re willing to tackle and disassemble our obstacles, including those we ourselves place in our own paths? If we make our way to clarity and still seem no closer to the brass ring?
What if that willingness to “do the work” of reconsidering goals, methods, and plumbing our psychological depths doesn’t cut it?
Don’t we need the counsel of those who will help? Those who will brainstorm and validate, honestly challenge and recommend? Is this the secret ingredient beyond the secret ingredient?
So how do we find friends, mentors, loved ones, professionals – who will offer their viewpoint to assist in a personal or professional turnaround? Do we remain “blind” to our real abilities (or lack thereof) in some areas, and remarkably lucid (and achieving) in others?
My Mother, Myself? Maybe. Maybe Not.
For decades, I watched my brilliant but troubled mother set weight loss goals, work toward them, then fall back in her efforts and find herself even worse off. Battling obesity much of her life, her failure to thrive was palpable, and her results – anything but “success” – were far from private. She wore her failure – literally – on her small frame, as she would yo-yo from 180 to 240 and down again, only to regain.
This formidable woman also suffered relationship problems; she invariably pushed away those who were closest to her, or could have been, alienating family members throughout her life.
Yet I was awed by my mother’s ability to obliterate any obstacle in her path when it came to other activities. She went back to college in her early 30s (in a decade when that was rare), and persevered for 10 years. She earned her degree at an excellent university – and with honors, I might add. She went back to school again, nearing 70, to learn Japanese – and spent the next years loving every minute of the language and culture, making Japanese friends along the way who seemed to adore her.
Why was she unstoppable in some areas and utterly unable to see herself in others? And I ask myself – Am I my mother?
The Reinvention Revolution
We talk (and read) a good deal about reinvention these days. The economy has something to do with this of course, as does gray divorce – forcing women (especially) to recreate a life they may not have anticipated just a few years earlier. These are by no means the only factors in our reinvention revolution.
I have always assessed my motivations and methods; self-examination is no stranger to me, perhaps because I saw my mother’s refusal to engage in it. Still, like most of us, I don’t always see the forest for the trees. So I dig in, turn myself upside down (so I may create yet another turnaround?), and I “do the work” required to reach self-awareness. I hope it will lead to what you might term reinvention, and I just as soon call “change.”
But then what?
In a few key areas, I know what I want, and it remains out of reach and has for years. In other parts of my life, what I vaguely considered desirable seemingly appeared out of nowhere – a matter of timing and serendipity.
I feel responsible for the former and at a loss to explain the latter. I also know that self-awareness alone isn’t enough. Stepping outside one’s comfort zone isn’t enough. Circumstances matter but nor should they become immovable obstacles – or excuses.
But brutal clarity as the secret ingredient to success? I find that conclusion to be simplistic. Or maybe I’m kidding myself.
- Have you found yourself fighting the same battles year after year – making progress, but not reaching the goal?
- Have you enlisted help in raising your level of self- awareness, to make lasting change?
- How have you shifted and tweaked objectives and plans to put you on a path with more likelihood of success?
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for me it is a matter of asking myself the right questions in the right way. i believe our intuition guides us; but only if we can be very specific when tuning in. also in my situation moving to a new city helped me make great strides in my entrepreneurial pursuit. is that luck or synchronicity? if i had moved elsewhere than this particular city it would’ve been that much harder to do what i’m doing. and originally this city was not on my list. i feel i was led by intuition and again intuition responded to the right questions.
I am in the midst of reinvention.
It was out of necessity. In my fifties, real world solutions did not fit what I now needed.
My problem was that I’d outgrown the politics of the traditional workforce but was not ready to retire.
Setting goals and taking steps in order to reach them is not an option when you have no idea where your going or what you want to do.
Replacing goals with meditation and journal writing has helped dig a little deeper in uncovering options I never would have imagined without developing some self awareness.
I wonder, Priska (and pia), how many reinventions at 50+ are of necessity, and not by choice?
That’s a very interesting question.
I think I’m fairly self-aware. I know what needs to change. But I’m too tired and worn out to make a whole-hearted effort, when, really, making the effort is what will keep me from being tired and worn out. Oh, the paradox.
I understand the dilemma, Stacia. And the paradox. Both exist at a variety of stages – and you’re smack in the middle of one of them, given the ages of your children! (Sending energizing waves in your direction…)
I have been lucky enough to have been picked for a pilot project in our neck of the woods “Des Femmes, Un Territoire, Des Projets Professionnels” for women, such as myself (lawyers, accountants, psycologists, architects, etc) who for one reason or another have been unemployed for a length of time (or even unemployable) and since the 15th of October we have been meeting 4 days a week with our “formateurs”. We have literally had our minds dissected (decortiqués) and have been working on a market research project in regard to the economic development in our region of the Basque Country and how/why it pertains to us. It is fascinating, gut-wrenching, eye opening…you get the picture. I look at ALL that talent, the region that needs it and am perplexed, BUT it has been a tremendous momentum FORWARD. I know what I do NOT want and I am rediscovering how capable I really am. WE are done proving ourselves and NOW we will do what delights us. Breathtaking. Together, we have wings and not just experiences. We propel each other forward…
The “training” will conclude the 28th of February following a forum on the 21st 🙂 with all the “politically invited” in the audience to hear what we have found, our truths as politically incorrect as they may be 🙂
This sounds fascinating – and important. Please keep us posted, La Bergère. Perhaps we will take a lesson or two…
A very appropriate post for me given that I’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I’m trying to put together some reflections/introspections about my last year. You’ve given me some things to think about!
Sure, “know thyself” is a good thing. Priska noted that meditation was a useful exercise and I have heard this from several people. As a super type A i continue to attempt this exercise myself, but I struggle with it.
I think you need to have some self awareness and the more you have the better. I think this is essential in acheiving happiness and contentment. That said I don’t necessarily think it is necessary to be a “super achiever.” What would be important is to know your strengths and weaknesses in the area you are trying to achieve in. That way you could work on your weaknesses and compensate as Sun Tzu would have done.
As a former “golden boy” if you want to be s super achiever I think you need to lack balance, be single minded, deem failure as not an option, be engulfed in the goal, learn from others, and not know, or at least not acknowledge, your limitations never mind work on them. After a while you will have moral and ethical choices. What you do then is important. Do you forget the morals and ethics for the goals? I can tell you that after a while morals and children took me out of golden boy status.
Why be a super achiever or even want to be a super achiever? Re-invent? Just the notion of reinventing oneself smacks of falsehood and objectifying people as widgets. Why not make changes for the better and self improve in all aspects of life: family, physical, spiritual, intellectual and work/career?
I think the one thing the article misses and really the way to better oneself is consistency and willpower. Tenacious and determined people tend to succeed, even if it takes as long as Winston Churchill (the most unsuccessful politician of note).
In essence I think if one acts determined and consistency at financial success, a better relationship, better crossing guard or what have you, they will better themselves. I appreciate the notion of self awareness but it seems to be less of a factor for success than suggested by the NYT. Self awareness is really an important factor in determining what, where and how much to do.
So much to think about here, Curtis. Your description of all that is sacrificed (morals) to achieve “golden boy” (or super-achiever) status.
Moral relativism is alive and well, of course, as we all justify certain decisions and I would go so far as to say that there is nothing wrong with moral relativism – up to a point. And of course, that’s the slippery slope. It becomes easy to justify more and more boundary crossing or moving the boundaries.
And as you say: ” Do you forget the morals and ethics for the goals?”
While the Times article did specifically use examples of super-achievers, my impression is that the article was (strongly) suggesting that we could all achieve more by applying its principles – significantly more. I still find that simplistic. But then again, perhaps that’s my bias and my (conditioned) assumptions?
I’m with you, Wolf. The Times article leaves out all the people who subjected themselves to a serious dose of self-awareness which didn’t solve the problem.
I like what this guy said: “How do I work? I grope.” — A. Einstein.
It’s all a muddle. I think if I had saved up all the time I applied to reading people’s advice and used it instead to just sit quietly, I’d have been better off.
I can relate so well to this post and the comments. I’ve been working toward making a career change for the last three years. I went back to school part-time for a master’s in social work while working full-time as an administrative assistant at a large medical center. I’ve spent the past 20 years working as an assistant and wanted to pursue a job that was more than a job that pays the bills. After graduating from school last fall I discovered that the social work field is crowded and the job market is tight. I’ve been able to get interviews, but no job offers; its been a difficult process. One of the best things that I’ve had going for me during this time is an excellent therapist. I have become more self aware and have grown in many ways: more patient, more persistent and more self-confident. On the other hand, I’ve been very depressed and very discouraged at what my prospects for success really are. Trying to make this dream come true has been one of the hardest endeavors I’ve ever pursued. I have reached out to professionals in the social work field and they have been extremely helpful in navigating and understanding how to get employed in the social work field. Isn’t that amazing – that getting a job as a social worker would be more difficult since there is so much need in our society? Anyway, that is the reality of my quest. Recently, with their encouragement, I’ve decided to work on this career change for another year. I’m still hopeful that I will find a satisfying job, one that is “big enough” for my spirit.
What strength you must have, and thank you for sharing your experience, Jane. I am certain it will be helpful for others in being realistic and also, determined.
And yes, it seems sadly ironic that with so much need, jobs in your field are so hard to come by. Perhaps readers may offer suggestions or contacts…