Oh for the luxury of some Sleep, Glorious Sleep! (I thought I put it on my Wishlist for the holidays.)
Sadly, I fear that particular Ship of Zzzzzzs has sailed. In its place, I find I’m captaining my own leaky Ship of Fools, as I accept that issues of work-life balance don’t disappear with empty nest, which is none so evident as this time of year.
The past few weeks have presented clear conflicts of interest: relationship, work, writing, parenting. All are demanding my time and there’s simply not enough to go around. Not enough time, and not enough me.
As a single mother for more than a decade, I realized years ago that “having it all” and “doing it all” are different. Carrying the bread-winning and parenting load, both virtually full-time, meant shortchanging my social life.
I made my choices, and I don’t regret them. I managed potential conflicts of interest by avoiding them; in other words, I put relationships at the bottom of the list.
Now, now. That doesn’t mean I didn’t date or fall in love – I did. But socializing was sporadic, and relationships were generally long-distance and ultimately, short-lived.
Empty Nest? Juggle Fest!
There’s no question that Empty Nest is less of a squeeze when it comes to the elusive work-life balance, but only on the surface. Single Empty Nesters may not be dealing with chauffeuring kids or dashing to parent-teacher conferences, but we’re often carrying the responsibilities of elder parents, long-term debt that drags on after divorce, young adults at home (and college-related costs), not to mention other warring factions when it comes to what we consider important.
A few specifics?
Earning a living is essential. I’m guessing we can agree on that one.
Staying healthy is equally essential. Even if we’re out of the habit of self-care, we know that without tending to the basics, we can’t provide for those counting on us.
But if you work long hours and in a non-traditional model – the case for “independents” – freelancers, contractors, entrepreneurs, artists, writers – how do you reassure those who share your life and don’t work crazy hours? What if they feel slighted by our schedules? What about the conflicts that arise when they have time off and we’re still on the clock?
Put On a Happy Face
The collision of priorities is no more glaring than at the holidays, at least for me. I don’t have “scheduled” time off, but the man I’m dating does and it’s plentiful. Likewise, my sons have weeks off at Winter Break, and this is the only time they’re around and relaxed, which means the only time I can enjoy a bit of their company.
So even when I’m tired, I put on the Happy Face, and listen – halfheartedly – while trying to concentrate. Even when my mind is on work, I’m multitasking, paying attention to the man across from me at the table, but not in the way I feel I should.
Some have advised me “don’t write” or “write less” and believe it or not, that’s exactly what I’ve been doing for two weeks – the latter, not the former. But writing is also my therapy, my companion, my fat-free comfort food. Yes it takes time, but it eases my stress.
Unhappy?
Not at all.
Beat?
Definitely.
Conflicts?
Multiple.
Guilt As a Lifestyle?
As for guilt? It seems as inescapable as my recurring weariness. As unbudgingly persistent as is the undeniable need for downtime – to sleep, to read, to watch old movies – beaten back by the competing desire to make the holidays pleasant for those I love.
So where does that leave me – and maybe you?
If I don’t work, I don’t earn. Hell, even when I do work, sometimes what I earn is so little I wonder why I’m doing it. (Yes, violins would be lovely right now, thank you.)
If I don’t earn, no amount of “nice environment” is possible, much less the fundamentals of survival.
So, I don’t sleep and keep working, or I sleep too little and keep working, and through it all I try to cram in the top priorities demanding my full attention and garnering, well… a good deal less.
The fact is – I don’t mind the long hours and the sometimes grueling schedule. What I do mind is the constant conflict – feeling as though I’m not giving enough to a relationship that matters, to writing that matters, the self that yearns for a petite and periodic parcel of relaxation.
Conflict Breeds Stress
The result?
Friction. Stress. More fatigue.
Expectations of myself that I know are unreasonable. And regretfully, I count the days until this roller coaster slows when everyone else returns to their “regular schedules” so I can get back to mine, unimpeded.
I’m torn and worn.
After all, who wants to live with or around someone who is always working? An individual who doesn’t seem fully “there” in the conversation? How on earth do people resolve this conflict? Isn’t this typically American, and surely widespread – given our economy and the way so many of us work around-the-clock?
I look to walking (weather-permitting), and taking a breath (I’m doing better on that score). Both are a means to keep my perspective. But I am otherwise at a loss when it comes to finding a longer term solution.
Commiseration? Recommendations?
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Commiseration at least on the writing/work and balance dilemma. I can sleep! For those of us who are self-employed the work life takes on a completely different dimension. I also am a single parent, of almost 10 years and am the caregiver for my ex-husband and will be for my aging mother very soon. That adds another layer of stress and restrictions to my life. It’s no fun!
I admire your care and commitment to those in your life, Walker. But it can be a very difficult place to find oneself, especially when it goes on for years and there is little or no relief – to the caring, or the money strain. And for many, that money strain goes hand-in-hand with long-term single parenting.
Then again, I count myself very fortunate to have healthy children and a good man in my life. I suspect there are few who would tolerate my long hours and lifestyle with such grace and understanding. Still… keeping all the balls in the air gets tiring, doesn’t it?
Hi. I am a 70 year old Iranian woman who lives in Italy. My life has a long and complicated story. Every time I read articles on ‘you can do everything if you want’ or ‘you make your own life’ etc… I get annoyed. Now satisfied to read about someone who does not deny the hard part of life. But you still will feel better for yourself knowing there are things you can do nothing about. I mean illness of someone you love (in my case husband,young daughter-in-law and also my 7 year old grandson). But I have to continue. Didn’t want to make you sad, but you should be happy if you don’t have this kind of problem.
Dokhy, I am so glad you stopped to read and comment. Like you, I am also annoyed reading the “you can do everything” articles, because they deny not only how difficult that really is, but what is out of our control like illness or accident as you say. For that matter, how much more difficult (or easy) is anything, depending upon the “accident” of our geography and where we are born and raised?
You are not making me sad. You are reminding me – and all of us – how fortunate we are if we have our health, if we have healthy children, and any opportunity at all to make a decent life.
I hope you will stop back, and read and comment. Wishing you peace.
Oh, do I hear you on the whole “work/life balance” issue! Personally, I’ve begun to wonder if it’s just a myth, a fairy story to make us feel we should be striving for something we can’t possibly attain. Not to say there aren’t moments when it feels like it’s coming together, but they’re definitely outweighed by the sense that we’re either running fast just to stay caught up on all fronts, or slacking off and ignoring responsibilities.
Like Dokhy, I really dislike the “you are your own reality/you can do anything” sunny bunny attitude–because what if people simply can’t do it? Does that mean they’re losers? Or they’re just not trying hard enough?
Really thought-provoking post! Thanks for writing it.
Karen
Glad you stopped by to read, Karen. I tend to think it’s a myth as well, and Dokhy reminds us nonetheless to appreciate what we have, and put our situations in context.
I get this; it’s my issue as well. There’s a line from Rumi I think about constantly: Your depression is connected to your insolence, and refusal to praise I try to make it a practice to find three things to be grateful about every day. Why do I find this so hard?