Are you on the “Saturday Night Sex” schedule?
If you are (and you’re married with children), maybe that doesn’t sound half bad, now does it?
Then again, if you’re living the single life, you may be enjoying more plentiful pleasures or, you’re suffering the soul-stifling sorrows of Zero Flesh-on-Flesh Contact.
So is occasional sex better than no sex at all?
Does scheduled sex lose its flavor or savor when spontaneity disappears?
As for life (and sex) after divorce, some go wild until a relationship comes along. Others, like me, close up shop until “their house” is in order. Then, if we’re lucky, we rediscover sexual activity as something more – gleeful, imaginative, and irrepressibly playful.
Is Sex a Must-Have in a Good Relationship?
A recent article on Huffington Post addresses sexless marriage from an interesting angle – the example of a man with low sex drive, and the wife who lives with it and wonders what’s wrong with her. Like so many women, she’s convinced it must be something she’s doing (or not), yet ultimately this was a libido problem she alone could not fix.
Some might say you can have a loving relationship, even a marriage, with little or no sex as part of the bargain.
If all else is good and you’re of like libido, then why not?
But if one is feeling like you pulled the rug out from under (or over or side-by-side), it may just be a matter of time before the relationship comes to a screeching stop. Or, you allow for other parties to enter the picture – which of course runs the risk of emotional involvement, which is potentially more dangerous than satisfying the physical itch with a periodic scratch.
Condemned to Connubial Celibacy
In one comment on the Huff Post column, a man describes his union as sexless for many years, the result of his wife being ill. He is understandably afraid to go outside the marriage for affection of any sort, which – as he explains his feelings – sounds more like a fear of judgment by family members than his own set of ethical standards.
He doesn’t want to commit infidelity. Admirable, right? But is infidelity even an accurate term for going outside the core relationship in this situation?
Some offer flippant responses to this man’s dilemma – all he needs is a magazine and his right hand – that sort of thing. But others suggest that depending on the extent of his wife’s incapacity, pleasure for both is not necessarily out of the question.
And I come to the issue of sexual fantasy, of sexual generosity, of physical affection, of playfulness. Shouldn’t we understand their role in our relationships – and consider them all as viable ways to turn around a matrimonial mess?
“Not Tonight… I’ve Got a Headache”
It’s hard to dredge up desire when you’re worried about your health, or your child, or money, or a job. It’s hard to let go of the disagreement with your sister, the latest dental bill that’s over two grand, or the foul temper that flared when your boss dumped another task on your list just before the holiday.
Yet how many women who aren’t in the mood withdraw from any affection at all, believing it will lead to sex – which they do not want? Why don’t they want it? Too bored? Too busy? Too disconnected?
And what about men who don’t want it? Is the reason for withdrawing from sexual activity because desire has gone missing, or the relationship has gone missing, or a midlife crisis is looming, or there’s someone else?
The F Word: Fun? Fantasy?
We know that fatigue, stress, pain, medications, and hormonal fluctuations can nudge libido off the table. We know that our bodies change with aging, not to mention our feelings about our bodies.
But what about our partners, if their libido remains intact?
Are some of us better at separating the physical from the emotional?
What if we recognized the cerebral in the sexual? If we did, couldn’t we use it to our advantage at any age?
What if the F Word was Fun or Fantasy? If we’re willing and able, couldn’t Saturday Night Sex slide into Sunday Afternoon Delight? A laundry room encounter while the kids are at a movie? A little scuba diving in the jacuzzi?
Aren’t we all capable of setting aside the “self” sufficiently to be sexually generous – and in so doing – more emotionally connected?
Can’t we find a way to share our temptations, our laughter, our imaginative side with like-minded partners – and do so without embarrassment? Scheduled or spontaneous, couldn’t we resolve to flirt with fantasy, take ourselves less seriously, and enable sex or lovemaking to be more fun?
You May Also Enjoy
I find these days I want sex more than my husband. It definitely used to be the other way around. But after 33 years together, we manage okay.
Our ups and downs and turnarounds, Janie… Always good when we can navigate them “à deux” when we can.
Currently single, I was married twice with significantly different sexual relationships in each marriage. I’m raising kids, and holding onto my singlehood like a warm cloak, avoiding entanglements in part because I’m not so sure I feel up to dealing with the complications. Bravo for writing about things that make us think.
Thank you, Wrye. I know what you mean about hanging on to singlehood. It’s tough enough to hang on to selfhood and raise kids at the same time.
I always tell my husband that he needs to give me the head’s up a few hours before we “do the deed” so I can get myself mentally in the right spot. Otherwise, he’d interrupt me while I was doing something and I’d get annoyed. Not very sexy or spontaneous, but it works for us.
IT’s so very, very nice to be partnered (married a 2nd time) with someone who enjoys it as much as I, who speaks my language, and I his. I realize how fortunate that is. I know how sex and fun and fantasy and playfulness enrich a relationship. Great topic.
So happy to hear this, Barbara! (It ain’t over til it’s over, and even then… it may not be over at all.) 😉
My husband and I had a rockin sex life until I hit menopause. Now sex hurts so bad I avoid it.
I’ve tried everything and am at my wits end. Any suggestions are welcome.
Glad you stopped by, Beyond Beige. I think there may be a few women in the neighborhood with some helpful suggestions…
My recommendation to beyondbeige is to go to her gynecologist to discuss her issues. Painful sex sometimes needs more than lubrication. You may need to use Premarin cream vaginally to help get the tissues stronger. If you have scar tissue from any surgeries such as a bladder lift or if you had episiotomies with your pregnancies, you may have scar tissue that will need to be mobilized or softened. I had to deal with these issues when I found myself going through menopause at a very young age.
Laura, Thank you for jumping in with your suggestions. They’re very helpful. (I know there are a number of other women who read who may have ideas as well. I hope they drop by and comment.)
Wishing you a wonderful new year, Laura.
BeyondBeige, there is help for you. You might be suffering from something called “vaginal atrophy” (yep, that’s a terrible term!) that happens to many women due to the decrease in estrogen. There is hope and there is help.
Your first step is to go to your gynecologist, preferably one who specializes in menopause. Vaginal estrogen has been shown over and over again in numerous studies to be very safe and extremely effective in treating painful vaginal dryness. There’s Premarin cream, but there are several bioidentical options available to you (Estrace cream, Vagifem tablets, and the Estring vaginal ring, to name a few). There are many very good studies out there on bioidentical vaginal estrogens that show these are safe and effective, even for women who’ve had breast cancer or have cancer in their family. Many doctors are afraid to prescribe any estrogen these days, so that’s why I recommend you seek out a doctor who knows about menopause.
If vaginal estrogen isn’t for you then there are a couple of other products out there. Replens and Hyalo Gyn are both vaginal moisturizers. These are different from sexual lubrication, which you use only during sex. You apply these products with an applicator twice a week and they protect vaginal cells, promote cell turnover, and help the cells themselves create more moisture on their own. These products help menopausal women enjoy spontaneous sex again.
And don’t forget sexual lubricants.
One thing my mother taught me when she went through menopause is that the reason many women experience a drop in libido and vaginal dryness is simply because their sex lives have become boring. Having the same sex with the same man for decades can become monotonous. You could try reading erotica (This can even be fun to do together!) to get the juices flowing, or try something new. Do something completely out of character. Learn to talk dirty. Have him meet you at a bar and pretend you don’t know each other. What about that secret fantasy of yours? We all have them. Tell him what yours is. Ask him what his is (put away the judgment and be prepared to carry it out).
One thing I discovered in my own midlife sexual journey is how much I was allowing my culture to control my sexuality. There is no better time than now to abandon any antiquated ideas you have about sex and go for something new and adventurous.
I believe that once you stop having sex you are on the sure road to death. Are you ready to hop on the road to death?
Don’t settle for a life less than what it can be. There is great sex to be had after menopause, but you’re going to have to go after it because it isn’t going to just come walking up to you.
Chloe – Thank you for this. As always, your candor is refreshing and informative. I suspect more than a few women could learn a good deal from your remarks.
This touched so many chords in me and so did the readers’ comments, especially Chloe’s. I’ve been married for 15 years to a sexual anorexic (I didn’t realize such a thing existed until recently) … we had the best sex of my life before we were married then virtually nothing after. I thought it was me … I was too old, ugly, unexciting … so I beat myself up a lot. And cried myself to sleep a lot. And the pain with intercourse kicked in with disuse, age, and possibly anger, so the relatively few times we did have sex were not very comfortable for me. I asked for his help to make that better … making love more often as the doctor recommended and nothing was forthcoming. He was just AWOL from that part of our marriage.
Recently, I’ve created my own secret garden, like I’ve heard the French do. What Chloe says is true. We shouldn’t settle for a life less than what it can be and sex and life are inextricably connected. Sex is life’s essence. It’s necessary for maximum balance, health, happiness and self-esteem … at least, it is for me.
Chloe suggests reading erotica. Might I also suggest a book I read recently in Kindle? It’s called Being French! A Frenchman’s Guide to a More Sensual Life by François Roland. Like Chloe, I was allowing my culture to control my sexuality, and I needed to abandon any antiquated ideas I had about sex and go for something new and adventurous. This book helped me think differently about sex, especially sex at this time of life. It eased me out of my American notions about sex and changed my thinking and my behavior. I’ve taken many of its ideas to heart (even my lingerie is different these days). Thanks to its sage advice, I feel like a new woman and more hopeful about the future. I’m more sexual now in my early 60s than at almost any other time in my life and feel wonderful about my body … even in dressing rooms with fluorescent lights. That’s saying a lot!
My doctor (a woman) talked about vaginal atrophy and essentially said “Use it or lose it.” I’m just not ready to lose it.
Let’s see. Sex…hmmm, yes, definitely. Previous marriage I told my wife I had promised monogamy, not celibacy. So I became monogamous outside of marriage and let her know the reason (but not the details).
Things are always changing somewhat over time, even for the best of couplings. As we get older, Fran and I have found some (reasonably flexible) weekly scheduling to be helpful, as urgency drops (acronym FIT). This past year we made love significantly more often than the previous year. Keeping in practice helps.
Question… How many keep a count? I’ve always put a little mark on my calendar sometime afterward, Just to be alert to what’s happening. People tend to seriously misjudge, and that information can be helpful. But don’t be obsessive about it.
Good comments re the woman who spoke about painful intercourse, so I won’t attempt to add more on that. And if you’re flexible and loving, something can always be worked out.
It’s both amazing and sad to me that blog posts regarding our sex lives seem to bring out a very different reality from the vibrant, amazing sex lives the media portrays us as all having. Not specifically addressed here, but a reality for many of us: being in a relationship with a survivor of sexual abuse. This causes such pain and difficulty within even the best relationships. Sex can go from “hanging from the ceiling, crazy” to non-existent and vice versa. Or it can go from Saturday night sex to nothing at all. Thankfully, resources for people and couples working through such issues are becoming more and more available. It still seems to be a “secret” burden many men and women carry – both survivors and partners of survivors.
Nice to have you visit and comment, Darren. You mention an issue that we often don’t talk about. I agree, it may remain a “secret” burden that certainly affects our relationships and our marriages.
Wow, I’m new to this site, but some of this stuff is amazing to a working stiff like me (I’m a plumber by trade, but the business has grown enough so I’m not pulling Pex much any more myself). My wife is a scientist. But the thing is, because our relationship is so important to her, she goes out and takes care of herself, because she knows sex is important in a marriage. I mean you can *decide* to make your sex life better (or exit I suppose), just like you can decide to, say, put in a new bathroom or save money or whatever. So much of what you guys are saying is like all this just *happens* to you. So when my wife noticed she was slowing down a bit and getting sore sometimes, she went to her doctor (she’s a scientist, so she sort of knew what she was looking for, but really, she didn’t know what to do). So she decided. I don’t need viagra yet, but I probably will soon enough (my doc says 60% over 60 need it), and, I’ll just go get it, like I get my oil changed. It’s not rocket science. Issues? For Pete’s sake.
Mandelstam
Mandelstam – I’m delighted to have a new reader who is enjoying himself. You get right to the heart of it, I believe. Deciding to do something.
I hope you will continue to read and comment. (And you’ve reminded me I need an oil change, and a rotation!)