I’ll chalk it up to the ladies of Sex and the City, though it appears they aren’t the only ones who discuss the topic. And that topic is love, specifically “great” love, and whether or not it ceases to be possible as life wears us down and wises us up.
I am recalling an episode of the series in Season 5. Charlotte, ever the wide-eyed romantic, expresses her belief that we each get “two great loves.”
She’s newly divorced, considers her ex Great Love Number One, and you might say she’s hedging her bets – with hopefulness and determination.
Carrie, the show’s narrator, is dismayed with her friend’s assessment. She’s already known her two “great loves.” So must that mean she’s done?
The conversation goes something like this:
Charlotte (with authority): “You only get two great loves in your life.”
Carrie (annoyed): “What does that mean?”
Charlotte (dreamily): “A love that changes you, that shakes you to the core…”
Carrie (defensively, sarcastically): “I refuse to define love on those limited terms.”
Too Jaded for Love? Too Old for Love?
Setting aside the fact that it’s fiction, what do we think of the conversation? Could Charlotte be right? Do we run out of opportunities? Do we deplete our youthful capacity to embrace them as “great?”
Do some of us fall in love too easily or too often? Must love “shake you to your core” or else it’s not good enough?
Is great love – however you define it – possible beyond a certain age? Can it still exist at midlife or as we grow older?
And I would add this to the list of questions: Can we distinguish infatuation from love, lust from love, love from habit, and love from obsession?
Recently, a reader commented:
While I have wonderful daughters, have had incredible experiences, great friends, and I am professionally accomplished, I do not think that I will have great love again. Perhaps it is my experiences, my make up or just this is what happens when you reach a certain age.
Is it possible to be deeply and madly in love with someone new in your mid forties? So far I don’t think so, but the romantic in me hopes so.
What if this is a more provocative issue than we realize?
Defining Love
Aren’t deeply in love and madly in love different? Depending on our goals, isn’t one preferred over the other?
What about the idealization of a single romantic love for life? To what extent is this notion to blame for our discontented marriages, our Grass is Always Greener Syndrome, and our sometimes faulty judgment as we date and mate and rate each element in the process?
Must we really grade relationships? Wildly in love is an A, profound love is a B, and “good enough and we’re compatible” is a C?
If we’ve been through love several times, as many of us in our forties and older have, does that remove the luster from the experience, or simply alter our expectations?
When we’ve weathered bitter breakups or damaging divorces, do our belief systems falter? Do we erect protective barriers and deny the degree of vulnerability and trust we once allowed in our younger selves?
As I’ve lived longer and experienced more, my approach to relationships has evolved. I don’t grade. I don’t categorize. I do recognize nuances in feelings including butterflies in the early stages, delight in seeing the person I love after a few days of absence, worry if he isn’t feeling well, passion shared in our playful encounters, and ease with communication of all sorts, including that which requires no words in a chatty world too filled with noise.
Great Sex vs Great Love
I also know how to separate sex from lovemaking, and great sex from great love. Some will say you can’t have one (great sex) without the other (great love).
I’m of a different school. My life includes variations of love and passion, including love of my children and passion for the written word.
I am also keenly aware that I am no longer young, and not yet old. I have loved deeply, dutifully, distantly, and at times, daringly. I don’t count my experiences. Nor do I grade them.
I am appreciative when connection comes calling. I can honor its unique contours, understand its limitations as well as possibilities in context, and savor the whole package one day at a time.
For me, at this stage, I am richer with love but not impoverished without it. I prefer to focus on the sweetness of what unfolds, without claiming it, naming it, or defining myself in its shadow.
You May Also Enjoy
Yes! You can have a great love that shakes you to the core in your mid 40’s. It’s different, it is supportive and comfortable yet still passionate. I loved this piece. I remember that episode and thinking then that I hoped I wasn’t done yet since my marriage wasn’t great.
Strange how those episodes touched issues for many of us, Cuckoo Momma. I think we stored their nuggets for safekeeping until needed. So glad to hear it’s a resounding YES for you on this topic!
I hope it’s never too late and that we never lose the capacity to fall in love again. I believe it’s possible to get swept away. I’m a romantic at heart.
I hear you, Carpool Goddess. Then again, falling in love is one thing. Sustaining love, quite another… Easier as we gain a little experience, perhaps?
I believe there can be many great loves in a person’s life. They are not all male/female/malemale/female/female but one gets love from many people and it can have nothing to do with sexual love. Friendship love to me is just as important. All ages all types of loves.
Spot on! Love is love no matter how one defines it. Because its undefinable. It is different to each person.
Great read!
Hi BLW,
Major topic! 🙂 One more that I address in great details in “Being French!” And the funny thing is I made a post on exactly that, in my own blog not long ago. Go see it, there is a wonderful French love song to be heard with it: what’s love and how many times did you live it.
I heard so constantly of “Sex and the city”, so I tried it. It took me no more than 3 or 4 episodes to understand that I could never be interested in the lives of these shallow wealthy girls! Well it doesn’t prevent to reflect on some questions like the one raised by Charlotte. The way I see it Charlotte is wrong on one point and right on the other. She’s wrong of the notion of quota, because there is no such thing as a numerus clausus above which you can’t love anymore. Plus she forgets one important thing, some people will never be genuinely loved in their whole life, which is exactly what my mother declares in the dusk of her life.
Now where Charlotte is right, it’s on the average quantity. As I say on my blog post, once I had the curiosity of checking that by myself on the forum of a meeting site. And after having defined what I call love (we’ll come back on it) I asked people how much time they’d seen it in their whole life. Typical responses were: Zero, one or two. Period. Mine was three but I would have to admit that one should count only for half because it didn’t last long enough.
About the definition there is a problem because “love” is one of the worse among the “catch-everything” word. But there again I align with Charlotte, when I talk about Love, it’s about being really “in love”, it’s about something that changes everything inside you and outside as well. It’s about the one who has this elective aptitude to fly your dreams, the one who make your heart skip a beat to a ringing phone, just because that could be him or her on the line. The Love I talk about has symptoms like these, and when you know that living such a love requires that you triggers exactly the same in an other person, then you understand why it finally rate around twice in your whole life, because it is just the same kind of odds than an alignment of stars.
Now you also raise that important point: Is there a status of “Too old for love”, that’s another point on which I spend time in “Being French!” And my response is definitively no. Where do I look for a case in hand? Not far, just my own! I just said I saw it three times and the third happened quite recently when I was at the threshold of my sixties. When I took that plane to join her and that we were walking hand in hand in her city, I had this deep feeling that we were both like back to our fifteen again. Hey, good test by the way: You don’t have this inner feeling to be fifteen again? You’re not “in love” 🙂
For the rest, “une fois n’est pas coutume”, I once more align with you. Open to what could come, but not impoverished if it doesn’t. I go with the flow, and I go on living my life, being true to myself and living whatever serendipity brings at hand, not stupidly questioning myself with some useless “is she the one?” Some questions make sense when you’re 20, they definitely have ceased to do so anymore when you have passed your 50! 🙂
My first thought upon reading the headline was “How many do you want?” I believe it’s entirely possible to know great love no matter our age. I fell deeply and madly in love at the age of 41 with a wonderful man, and we shared a few years together – didn’t last for the long run, but I can easily still call him “the love of my life.” What we had was life changing for me and I think has ruined me in a sense, as I’m no longer willing to settle for a mediocre, lukewarm relationship. Not if I’m going to call it “love” as I define the word. Different levels of relationship, friends with benefits, just friends, just sex, sure. But deep, grand, can’t wait to see him again and so much more love? Something very special.
Now, in my fifties dating does seem to be a little different. The challenges of visibility and baggage as we age have been covered; no need to rehash them here. Still, if I realize that I’m still the same fairly cool woman inside, why should there not be a similarly cool guy out there somewhere, looking for a peach like me? Not holding my breath waiting for the stars to align or whatever the heck it takes, and life is good regardless, but…sure. Why in the world not?
Nice to have you visit, Gwen. Yes, dating over 50 does seem to be different. I like the way you think, as expressed by this: “If I realize that I’m still the same fairly cool woman inside, why should there not be a similarly cool guy out there somewhere, looking for a peach like me?”
🙂
I think the possibility for real love is possible at any age…at least I hope so. I didn’t really, truly fall in love until I was 50. I’ve enjoyed the ‘art’ of falling in love many times during my separation and divorce–that wonderful state thats more teenage than mature woman.
“I am appreciative when connection comes calling. I can honor its unique contours, understand its limitations as well as possibilities in context, and savor the whole package one day at a time.” What a lovely thought. This is the kind of openness that allows one to experience love and Love.
As for sex– one can have wonderful sex without love. Personally I have to have some level of romantic interest in order for sex to be satisfying for me. Satisfying in an emotional as wel as physical way–but I don’t have to be in love. Though, it helps.
In spite of the many obstacles that life challenges us with, I will be forever grateful that she has allowed me to love and be loved with a total understanding that is clearly beyond words. To be understood and appreciated even during your nastiest moments is truly one of life’s greatest blessings,. Because it is easy “to love” during the less challenging times, the real stuff is verified during the rough moments and it gets you through, together…
Thank you for this wonderful article 🙂
Oh, I loved this. And there was is so much here to think about–I can never get over how dense your thoughts can be–and I mean that in the lovely, pas-mechant sense of the word!!
I’ll settle on at least one important thing that I can contribute to this conversation: as you know, I am just back from a visit to the States where I spent my first Thanksgiving with my Mom’s new companion, the first since my Dad passed away. Well, she is 66, they have been together a year and a half and they are in love with a big L. I saw the whole gamut from giddy butterflies to deep “we can overcome all together” and everything in between. I know she wouldn’t mind me sharing that she never, ever would have thought this possible in the first, very difficult years after my Dad died. If your heart stays open, who knows what can happen when?
I also really appreciated what you had to say concerning great sex vs. great love. In our super-sexed society, I feel like the lines are often blurred when they needn’t be. Loving kindness also goes a long way…
Merci comme d’hab for all of your writing. I don’t always manage to keep up but it certainly is appreciated.
Heather, you make me smile. I understand it was dense in the “pas méchant” way…
Lovely to hear your experience of your mom’s companion, and at age 66. My own father found, I believe, “the Big L,” when he was in his 50s. It’s a glorious thing to be around, isn’t it? And I agree, loving kindness goes far.
I have to say, it was beautiful to see. She is absolutely glowing, is so “bien dans sa peau” not to mention truly looks ten years younger. 😉
I’m married so I don’t want to think about it 😉 That is, I hope this is my one and only love. This is my husband’s second marriage, though, and we met when he was a bit older, so maybe he believes you get more than one. During our worst fights, though, he had said that there will be no more (if we didn’t work out) – he would not bother with marriage anymore. So I think it’s human nature (or at least when things are not going well) to believe that there is a ceiling on good, worthy loves. I’m a bit of a romantic so I want to believe you definitely get more than one love, though the shape of that love may change over time. I know that what I would look for now – what would qualify for me as love – would be different if I were to go looking for it now in my 40s. And to that I say, my mom was right. 😉
In my late twenties I fled a marriage from domestic violence. I then had a couple of relationships which only lasted until the halo affect wore off. For the next fifteen years I resigned myself to the fact that I was not good partnership material. I even enjoyed my solo life, the freedom to do as I pleased when I pleased, I did not feel the need to partner up again.
In my late forties I befriended a male 14 years my junior. Because of the age difference and my frame of mind, I did not see him as partnership material.
11 years later we’re still together and our relationship has gone from strength to strength. We both feel a connection, a passion, a great love that neither of us have felt before.
I believed that my experiences, my make up, my age, my cynicism prevented me from having that great love. I now know that they contributed to me not settling for less than great love.
I love the way you phrase that, Priska… going “from strength to strength.” That’s fantastic.
Love comes quietly,
finally, drops
about me, on me,
in the old ways.
What did I know
thinking myself
able to go
alone all the way.
— Robert Creeley
Lovely, Wolf. Thank you.
I found a love at 48 like no love I’d ever known. Married him. In many ways our lives are unconventional and certainly different than the first time around – but we’re old enough and have lived enough to do what works for us. Like you wrote, we don’t really have to name it, claim it or define it. It just is – and it brings us joy.
My grandmother was in a loveless marriage to my grandfather for 50 years before he died. Then she found the love of her life, as we’re prone to call it, name it, define it and married again and traveled the world with him and the pictures of them together are still my favorites of her. She was so happy. Then husband #2 died (she was in her 70’s – he in his 80’s) and she met and married again. I think that woman had more fun in her 70’s , 80’s and 90’s than many of us do in our 30’s, 40’s and 50’s. so, lest I ever think I’m too old for it, I remember her. She died at 94 – and remembering her still makes me smile – a mischievous smile.
I think it is possible to have a “great love” at any age. I think my grandparents had it for 50 years. I had the great love of my life in my twenties. The problem is you end up with that as your baseline. He died and who knows what would have happened if like my grandparents we would have been together for half a century. Maybe we would have gotten tired and irritable with each other. It’s hard for anyone to match up to what I think our lives might have been.
Ugh. I am revisting this notion and topic. I am thinking in my mid 40s I will be settling or getting a black lab. Hope it can happen, thinking that it will not.
You’re never too old for love. Life is always surprising — there can be no set number.
Love has no single definable form – there are such varieties. Good things are not identical things. And it continues to be known partly by those crazy ups and downs, but the ups are what count (when it’s the downs that count, face it, it’s over).
“to fly your dreams, the one who make your heart skip a beat to a ringing phone, just because that could be him or her on the line. The Love I talk about has symptoms like these, “ Hmm….been there, done that, when it was obvious to everybody that it was all about the sex. Used the Love word, sure, but the distinction is do you use that word in the clear light of day and not just under the covers.
One form of love may be based on the confidence you put in that love. Fran is unique for me in that regard, even while we have more ups and downs than less serious relationships. This type of love implies/requires responsibility, patience, and all that.
Entering into tragic love is yet another experience. Once was enough –wouldn’t wish to have missed it, wouldn’t wish to repeat it.
Perhaps another form is to be freely loving (both giving and receiving) and to be totally engaged in, the moment. As one dear lady said when I asked about our future “Why ask? We love it now. When that’s over, it’s over.” She attended our wedding and was very happy that I had found what was right for me.
You always make me think, Paul. And, you and Fran inspire me.