I was on Facebook.
Skimming. Reading. Connecting.
I don’t normally pay attention to the ads, but “Faithful Women Wanted?” How could that not catch my eye?
What made the promotional item even more striking is that it was advertising an online dating site, but best I recall it was a “senior” site at that.
Apparently, I’m presumed to be part of that demographic, which now includes those of us at or around the age of 50.
Setting aside the senior designation for a moment, may I emphasize my startled reaction to “faithful?” Is it really so difficult to find a faithful partner? Are men expressing a serious need for faithful women amid some onslaught of bed-hopping middle-age mommas on the make?
Perhaps this is simply niche marketing in extremis. We seem to be operating our online meet-and-greets within increasingly segmented dating targets.
Online Dating: Something for Everyone
Might I offer examples?
We have the the massive free-for-all (Match), those that are more loosely inclined to religious affiliations (eHarmony), and others that are explicitly Christian, Jewish, and so on.
It’s hard to avoid careening into the occasional Girl-Going-For-Big-Bucks (do we really think those “wealthy men” sites will deliver Prince Charming with a 7-figure annual income?), and the assortment of mistress sites should you care to carry on with the discreetly delivered Extramarital Babe-‘o-Your-Dreams.
Let’s not forget the Friend Finders that point us to sexual liaisons à la carte, and yes, we have the seemingly innocent focus on the older crowd versus the younger.
“Faithful women?”
That one floors me.
Infidelity Statistics (2012)
Infidelity statistics aren’t resoundingly reassuring on the marriage front. Statistics Brain cites the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy (September 2012) as follows:
In 41% of marriages:
…one or both spouses admit to infidelity, either physical or emotional.
Apparently, relationship infidelity is a far more significant issue than I ever considered. The same source offers this:
57 percent of men… admit to committing infidelity in any relationship they’ve had… 54 percent of women… admit to committing infidelity in any relationship they’ve had.
Apparently, dipping one’s toes into the land of emotional or physical affairs is widespread, though slightly higher among men.
Defining Infidelity
While we’re on the topic, exactly what would these faithful women seekers consider unfaithfulness?
I’ve heard my share of amusing tales (from men) as to what does and doesn’t constitute their dastardly dallying.
Doing the deed in actuality is a Thumbs Down, but anything online gets the Green Light. “Jobs” don’t count, business trips are negotiable, and sexting may be a matter of interpretation, particularly given how easy it is to engage in.
Even if we all agree on what infidelity entails, is there really a market for gents seeking faithful women? Is it so challenging to find a good woman – one who believes in exclusivity at the appropriate stage in the relationship?
I might also ask the men – if she’s exclusive with you, does that mean you accord her the same respect?
What Do You Want in a Relationship?
Honestly, I’m baffled. We’re talking about men and women in their forties, fifties, sixties. Clearly, with the prevalence of gray divorce, experimentation and multiple partners in midlife and older is likely and, in my opinion, if approached and engaged in safely, healthy.
At least for a time – which is up to each individual to gauge.
But aren’t we all grownups here? Shouldn’t we figure out what we want in a relationship?
As for this particular site of seekers, might this be a matter of middle-aged men seeking sexy younger women, and consequently concerned that their dating partners may wander?
Am I making too many assumptions?
Am I alone in finding this terribly sad – at any age or in any couple configuration?
How about an alternative, like a beautiful person you take the time to know? A partner of like mind, shared values, and similar libido with whom you’ll be relaxed, trusting, playful – and enjoy a fulfilling relationship in all respects?
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You know my story – my former wife wasn’t just exclusive with me, she equally excluded everybody including me. That’s when marriage is over.
I won’t repeat what I’ve posted on this topic previously, including discussion about open (and honest) relationships.
You always bring an important perspective, Paul, not the least of which is how “gray” the world is rather than black and white. Thank you.
I think you are making some assumptions. I am a divorced male in his late 40’s who has crazy requirements of kindness, empathy, reliability and emotional stability for what I want in a relationship. Shared core values, interests and libido are also important. I would consider fidelity part of the reliability. I am also looking for someone of like vintage, not a young “hottie.” I am wary due to what I have seen and experienced. As a successful professional, who is apparently attractive, well dressed, groomed, educated and slightly overweight I get the occaisonal predator coming my way. The reality is that with the internet, dating sites and technology, relationships can be given the same consideration as a purchase from Walmart: open 24/7, lots of options, often cheap and lacking value or durability. That said, this analogy could apply to many things in modern life. While technology could improve our life and experiences, the tendency is that it seems to deteriorate and make it a shallow facsimile of reality, or of what once was reality. Some people and places seem to avoid much of this, but in North America we seem immersed in this.
So, to answer your question, yes it is a state of affairs. Fidelity is on the decline and women essentially are no different than men, except perhaps during young child rearing years.
Thank you for reading and sharing your thoughts, Curtis. Yes, I agree, I’ve made some assumptions. We do seem to live increasingly in a “I’ll get mine no matter what” society, and I also agree that technology seems to encourage this. Or perhaps more precisely, it fuels the quick fix mentality, and the sense that potential partners are commodities.
You say: “with the internet, dating sites and technology, relationships can be given the same consideration as a purchase from Walmart: open 24/7, lots of options, often cheap and lacking value or durability.” I have had the same experience. It isn’t the only experience of online dating, but a significant aspect for myself, at least.
All a bit sad, don’t you think? So many good men and women who could genuinely be good for each other. But so hard to meet, much less to trust.
Those statistics are SCARY. Going to hide in a corner now in the fetal position…
They are a bit frightening, Kitch. I agree.
Internet dating sites and the traditional pick up in a bar scene may have more in common than we realize. Both have the possibility of running into those with the “I’ll get mine no matter what” mentality. There’s always the risk of “cheap and lacking in value or durability” relationships there as well. And as sad as it is, I believe our culture’s views towards marriage and commitment fuel a lot of the fidelity issues in relationships. There’s such a laissez faire attitude among people these days when it comes to relationships. Yes, it’s very sad; especially for those quality men and women who have so much to offer.
BigLittleWolf – I agree it is sad. Frankly my level of trust is low. Luckily I have been blessed with a sense of romanticism that seems to act as a counterweight. Some may say that this is delusional given the current culture. I would disagree and say that when one gives up hope and action, one gives up quality of life, life experience, and perhaps life itself.
Lisa I think relationships are always altered and almost always for the worse when there is infidelity. I am not sure that people are aware of this or think of this. I never thought of this when I was married. I just did not cheat, engage or think that way because I was married, loved my wife and would never do that to her. I am not saying that opportunities did not arise, that they were not blunt or that they were not flattering. That is something I was not willing to do even when the marriage was not going well because it was not appropriate, smart or respectful of your wife, and especially of your children.
That said I think many do realize infidelity forever negatively alters the relationship, so then that begs the question of why? I think there are many reasons and rationales, that may differ between men and women, but none are justifiable or right.
I was a part of the online dating scene for several years. I do believe it has it’s place for men and women. However, what I found while dating men, because it is so easy to meet women that when you think you’re in a “committed” relationship or trying to establish one, he is online looking just in case there’s a better catch out there. Trust can be a real issue.