My weight is up. Five pounds.
It’s not the first time, and it won’t be the last. And it isn’t the end of the world (I tell myself).
But when my jeans are tight, I don’t feel sexy. Worse, the gain is indicative of other things going on – an accumulation of insufficient sleep, erratic exercise, and eating later than usual in slightly larger quantities.
While I may eat organic as a general rule, that doesn’t undo the damage of an unforgiving schedule and unrelenting stress, both of which I have come to regard as the “new normal.”
And it’s certainly not just mine.
On the upside, “my man,” if I may call him that, couldn’t care less about the extra pounds. When it comes to women, he’s one of those remarkable souls who genuinely appreciates the whole package. And I consider myself a lucky gal.
Weight and Sex Appeal
But the topic does lead me to contemplate the effect that weight has on sex appeal, overall attractiveness, who approaches us, who loves us, who stays to love us, and how we carry the burdens of our physical excess into our social lives.
I also ask myself what distinctions we should make between a disparaging self-image – remember the fat fake-out? – and how we may project it onto someone else.
In other words, if I don’t feel good about myself, do I imagine I’m not attractive, when it isn’t the case?
When I’m feeling confident (and rested), when I’m passionately pursuing a project (or topic of conversation), I give off a certain je ne sais quoi.
Don’t we all?
When we’re hungry for life and attack it with gusto, aren’t we sexier – regardless of size?
America’s Obese Future
Why this topic today, other than my utterly unzippable jeans?
This morning I ran across two items in the media that caught my attention. One is this Time Healthland article, “Most Americans May Be Obese by 2030,” which says:
About two-thirds of Americans are overweight now. That includes those who are obese, a group that accounts for about 36 percent.
The same Healthland article references a recently released report by Trust for America’s Health, explaining:
Trust for America projects that by 2030, 13 states would have adult obesity rates above 60 percent, 39 states might have rates above 50 percent, and every state would have rates above 44 percent…. Even in the thinnest state — Colorado, where about one-fifth of residents are obese — 45 percent would be obese by 2030.
Naturally, the most pressing problems stemming from obesity involve disease – type 2 diabetes, coronary heart disease, hypertension, and more, as well as the massive associated health care costs estimated at between $147 billion to nearly $210 billion per year.*
“Beautiful at Any Size”
So how do we integrate legitimate obesity concerns with a desire to feel good about ourselves at any weight? Is that the right goal after all, or does it depend on the extent of the weight “challenge” we’re facing?
I’m a proponent of a return to common sense when it comes to women’s bodies. If we’re Rubenesque, can’t we still feel worthy, deserving of love, confident?
But what if we’re obese, or sufficiently overweight to run the risk of… say, diabetes?
Check out this little find on Yahoo, “How Weight Impacts Your Love Life,” a video discussion in which Niecy Nash dishes on weight and dating with a group of women. One of the participants, a large woman, says “I can be beautiful at any size.”
Another woman points out “I do value myself… I would rather be by myself for a year than have a revolving door of losers come through…”
Conflict of (Self) Interest?
I remember my own heavier days. My self-confidence was dreadful. I was grateful when a man found me attractive, because I didn’t value myself enough to insist on someone truly suitable. Including a more suitable self.
It’s one thing to fret over the skinny jeans, or finally surrender to an extra five or ten pounds for the next, well… possibly, forever. It’s another thing to risk serious disease.
While Niecy Nash says “Loving yourself is the important part, because that’s the kind of energy you draw to yourself,” that doesn’t address the very real health hazards that come with obesity.
And somewhere in all of this resides a resounding conflict – between getting off the I-Need-To-Be-Thinner Go-Round, and saying NO to harming our health.
But where is that balance?
You Are What You Eat
Though she ate in a healthy fashion, my mother was obese for most of her adult life. Eventually, obesity killed her.
As I grow older, I find it increasingly important to remind myself that I am what I eat. I may joke about my jeans, but it’s really about how I feel.
I do what I can to consume reasonable portions of nutritious foods. But stress, fatigue, and a demanding schedule certainly impact my eating, my weight, and at the very least, my view of my sex appeal.
As for the Yahoo clip and its confident women, I’m delighted to see media encourage us to love ourselves whatever our size. But the obesity projections present a potentially devastating future with monumental consequences. How do we get real, can the shaming and blaming, and successfully fight back?
I ask again: Where is the balance?
*Source: Trust for America’s Health, How Obesity Threatens America’s Future 2012
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The funny thing for me around women’s weight issue is that a false common sense (particularly in women’s media) associate slim with pretty and sexy, and overweight with ugly and unappealing. But it absolutely doesn’t work like that, and surely even less in many men’s eyes or minds. For me it’s not slim and overweight separating pretty from unpretty, but simply harmonious or disharmonious. No need to say that certain “Twiggy women” can perfectly be disharmonious while others can be said overweight while still offering a very nice and balanced silhouette.
Now, what has definitely to be emphasized here is that pretty and sexy are still two radically different things. And if powerful or public men will often want to have on their side this trophy wife that they trust to be an asset to enhance their personal image, the ones they really want for lovers will often happen to be quite other kinds of women. The French film maker Bertrand Blier cleverly addresses this men’s quandary about choosing women, in his movie “Trop belle pour toi” (Too beautiful for you).
I don’t know that film, François. I am certainly familiar with the concept of La Potiche, however, not to mention the movie of that name, with Catherine Deneuve.
Pretty vs. Sexy… Always an interesting topic…
Weight, body image and self-acceptance is so complicated. As you wrote, so many factors play into how we eat, what we eat and then how we feel about the end result.
Then there is the distinction you also made – carrying a few extra pounds or being obese with all the additional health problems and cost associated with obesity.
But since our society is so skewed to equating thin with being attractive and therefore desirable ( curious given the frightening statistics of how overweight we are as a society in general), it is pretty hard to feel good about yourself when packing a few extra pounds. The negative messages are relentless. I did a blog rant awhile back about jeans – I looked at a pair of size 2 jeans that sported a big tag announcing, ” seriously slimming style”. I’m pretty sure no extra slimming help is needed if you’re wearing a size 2, but now that message is in your head, making you feel fat. Also read this week that Ralph Lauren has hired its first plus-size model – and that she wears a size 12! I know that single- digit sizes are prized, but think we’re in crazy-town when a 12 is considered a “plus-size”.
Not sure how we can foster positive body/ self image for real women while also addressing the obesity epidemic. For me, the key is in understanding why I’m eating everything that isn’t nailed down and fixing that!
I agree, Deb. We’re served up the most screwy, contradictory set of messages. How is a girl or woman ever to feel good about herself / her body image in this country? I always felt better, more accepted, more “comfortable in my skin” when in France, where women definitely took care of themselves and cared how they looked (without question), but there was still enjoyment of food, and more appreciation of the whole woman.
Then again, French women are afraid of getting fat as well… Our craziness (and obesity) has crossed the ocean, it appears.
I read that, too – about the Size 12 “plus” model. That’s nuts.
What do you think of François’s remarks about pretty vs sexy?
It’s all about the mind, first and the eyes secondly. I seem to surround myself with smart people. And it starts with Suzy, my wife, who has an IQ 20 or 30 points higher than mine. With the announcement that males penis’ are becoming smaller, maybe the world will move to a global society that respects attitude and smarts over pecks and breasts.
Oh my, too close to home, this topic. I have gained 13 kilos in the past five years (yep, that is nearly 30 pounds) after having been thin and at a stable weight for all of my adult life. I can’t shake the weight and I have to ride through the waves of feeling that accompany my new size. Now that my partner has also gained weight, neither of us are feeling so confident about our looks these days. We both are intelligent people who know in our minds that we have more to offer than our looks but still…in our hearts…well, self-confidence is a slippery thing isn’t it?
And I felt the same about the RL model, especially as I wear a size 12 myself…
Well Heather, even though you’re on the other side of the Atlantic, check out the Yahoo video clip I linked to in today’s post. And do note the remarks about weight, from a man, relative to the woman he loves. And might I also point you to Gandalfe’s remarks here, and his obvious delight in his wife of many years?
(Yes, Gandalfe. I’m talking about you and Suzy again. You two, along with Paul and Fran, are my heroes and role models for real world couples who are passionate – and no longer 35, or 45… )
To get closer to the point: In “Trop belle pour toi”, excellent movie that I really advise to see about that topic, Carole Bouquet (the trophy wife) can not even be called a “potiche”. Every man around finds her desirable and would want to court her. And the reason why Colette, the temp secretary (wonderfully played by Josiane Balasko) will surpass her, although she’s really far form being pretty in the classical sense that we usually put in this word, is that she gives herself totally with an unreserved sensuality, and love and passion… and that is what makes all the difference.
And what the director shows wonderfully, is that form the love and desire she succeed to trigger in her boss, Colette finally looks beautiful in her particular manner, just because the man that really counts for her, sees her so.
So we always come back to this elementary truth that you pointed out so rightfully somewhere else in these pages: Beauty (but maybe I would add sexiness as well) is really and finally nowhere else than in the eyes of the beholder.
In the real world of everyday people, variety is the spice of life. If everyone were magically the same size and shape, how boring would that be? Self-image and self-esteem are complicated issues (like most things on your blog, it seems). In contrast, maintaining weight in a healthy range seems blessedly straight-forward – in theory anyhow. For a given height, the weight range between a BMI of 19 and 24 is pretty wide. I don’t know exactly what has gone wrong over the last 50 years or so, but we seem to have lost the plot with respect to sensible eating and lifestyle that apparently once worked to keep most of us within that healthy range. I count myself right in there; all my life until late 40s kept closer to the 19 end. Now, at 56, I teeter around that top edge most of the time. We all need boundaries, and that overweight BMI number gives me mine. Never mind feeling sexy or loved or whatever, I simply do not want to slide into ill health any faster than I have to. This is what motivates me, occasionally, to step away from the bread and butter and to put on those running shoes, even if only to go for a walk.
I’m jiggling a little more than usual, too. I’d like to say I’m fine with it, but it bothers me. I don’t feel good about myself. I’m trying to be more accepting, but it’s a constant struggle.
“Jiggling.” Nice way to put it, TKW. 🙂
Sometimes it takes someone worthy of your love “recognizing” and valuing the “real” you…this valorization is what made me do what I needed to do to lose the weight and get healthy. The “Sheepfarmer” saw me and understood me, making me courageous enough to change what I didn’t want to see in the mirror and within myself. Then again your “exterior” is oftentimes a “reflection” of the state of your “interior”.
My past relationships, family and otherwise, were heaped in poor lessons from which to learn self value.
I finally lost the weight for me, but I first felt valued/recognized/understood, for the first time since I was a small child living with my aunt…
I am hyper-sensitive about any weight gain. Usually I am eating poorly because of some external stressor – a few weigh-ins on the scale scares me enough to exercise more and eat better.