This past weekend I found myself at a dinner party, and I can’t recall the last time I attended a gathering of this sort. The conversation hummed along, buoyed by the fact that most of the attendees were teachers and they could talk about anything.
The hosts were gracious and sociable, the food was delicious, and the setting straddled elegance and informality – in my book, the perfect combination.
But most important? The selection of interesting people who mixed well and enjoyed each others’ company. That was the best part of the evening – the crackle and buzz of conversation that never skipped a beat.
All in all, it was one of the finest “date nights” I’ve had in a long time, with every necessary ingredient in place. But what struck me the next day is how long it’s been since I was in a room full of married couples. And felt welcome.
I knew no one at this dinner party other than the man who brought me, whom I’ve been dating long enough that we’re perceived by others as a duo.
Though he refers to me as his “girlfriend,” I still struggle with the term “boyfriend.” That isn’t a reflection of our relationship, but rather my hyper-sensitivity when it comes to language. The words seem silly to me when you’re dating at 40-something or 50-something or older.
Must Love Lead to Marriage?
Love?
That’s a word I reserve for few, but use when it’s appropriate. It’s a word that I’m comfortable with these days, and I’m grateful for that.
Commitment?
The deeper one’s feelings of friendship, respect, trust, and attraction – and when those feelings are reciprocated – the more natural it is to be committed, with or without sharing a residence or signing a piece of paper.
Yet despite the number of us who are divorced (or widowed, for that matter), our culture still seeks to pair us off legally, with marriage as the ultimate destination.
But why must we marry?
Marriage, Remarriage, Expectations
I admit that I’m one of those people who tends toward “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.”
I’m also a woman who has experienced a bitter divorce and years of nightmarish aftermath.
I wasn’t motivated by marriage as a goal in my twenties or thirties, and I’m not motivated by marriage now. I will say, however, that when I married, I expected it would be for life.
This isn’t the first time I’ve been involved in a serious relationship since divorce, but it is the best relationship I’ve been in since… well, I don’t know when. And it is also the first time I feel the pressure – subtle and not so subtle – of the expectations of others and what they perceive as next logical steps.
But I won’t lie; the thought of marriage scares me. Or maybe it’s the thought of divorce. In either case, I don’t understand how men and women remarry so easily or so often. Personally, I think I might prefer the French system of PACS (civil unions), or even Mr. Big’s description of “you have your place, I have mine” – as the ideal living arrangement.
A Good Relationship is a Gift
There are practical advantages to marriage in this country, and I won’t say I never thought about remarriage. I did, but that was when my boys were younger, and I still hoped to give them more of a traditional home life.
Those days are gone. My nest is empty.
And I wonder, as I always have, why people jump to marry quickly in the first place, and just as quickly in the second place, or third…
Why can’t we take our time? Why isn’t it omay to be single if we choose? Why aren’t more living arrangements acceptable?
A good relationship is a gift. It isn’t one I take lightly. And never say never, right?
For now, I’m content as things are and I’ll leave it at that. I have no need of next logical steps, but it was a remarkable experience to enjoy myself in a room full of long-married couples – a world that was vaguely familiar and oddly comforting.
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Perceived pressure to remarry. Expectations of others. Isn’t it curious how what we do is very much affected by what we think other people want. We so want to fit in that sometimes we’ll choose the Maple Walnut instead of going with our personal favourite Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough. I don’t want to appear abnormal. I want to be accepted. Oh what a mess we get ourselves into because we sometimes don’t have the stomach to stand up for what we truly believe in and for what we really want.
Marriage. Why? Because? Because society says so? Because our parents did it? Because we “perceive” that friends, relatives, and neighbours think it is the “normal” state of affairs? Wait. They want me to have an affair? Ha ha. Love, commitment, you do it because you want to do it not because you’re legally bound to do it and are going to pay through the nose if it doesn’t work. Marriage? You can still have love and commitment. And maybe a little sex. Yeah, that might be nice. With or without ice cream.
Always thoughtful… and chuckle-worthy, Mr. Belle.
Once again, you have written what seems to be a reading of my mind. It’s the terror of that hideous disentanglement after the thing falters, I think. So nice for you that you have a “duo” that feels good to you. I think this should be the next name. We should coin it. Boyfriend does feel funny at this point.
Thanks for another great, thought-provoking moment.
Glad you stopped by, Jan. (And glad to know I’m not the only one who considers it unlikely to forget the costs of “disentanglement” which, when you share children, never seem to end.)
I like you. I really like you.
I do think that married couples have problems coping with single women in their midst. By and large, time and time again, I have seen the wife end up the one who is friendless after the divorce, no matter the cause.
A single woman is perceived as a threat within the coupled community. No matter how sympathetic we are to the plight of the single woman (and why we think there’s a plight is a whole ‘nuther can o’worms) it scares us to think that we’re allowing the fox in our hen house.
Is my husband laughing a little too loudly at her witticisms? Oh my, she’s been to the gym recently–damn her, she has time for that and I don’t–and her ass is tighter than mine. And anyway, witty or fit or not, we all know that this single woman offers that little bit of strange that we don’t. Best to make her unwelcome and keep what’s ours safe.
On the good side, I think people genuinely want to know you are happy, and being alone isn’t seen as “happy” in our culture. Happy people are coupled up. On the other hand, people want to know you are safe. Knowing you are in part of a couple relieves me from my fear that you are out to take what’s mine.
Women are damned competitive this way. Bred or socialized, it doesn’t matter. Woman are damned competitive this way.
Chloe, Thank you for the very honest (and informative) response. The irony – to me – is that the last thing on my mind (or any of the single mothers I know) would be to go after someone else’s husband. If anything, we simply didn’t want to lose our friends – and yet that’s exactly what happened.
I often thought that it wasn’t entirely the no-longer-coupled issue itself, but the dramatic change in financial circumstances that is even more frightening to other women. And with good reason.
But yes, I see the competitive aspects as well. Yet I also know women to be communal, connective, and giving – though I believe it is the exceptional married woman who retains her relationship with a friend who divorces.
If you’re content with how it is now – you’re right – that’s good enough. Being content is good enough any day of the week. And I really liked Chloe’s honest comment – she put it so succinctly. And your response? Yes to that too. I’ve been that single counterpart for a while – and another woman’s husband IS the last thing you’re thinking about.
Next logical steps be damned. Linger where you like it.
Glad you had a nice evening.
I wrestle with this one too. I’m more afraid that we will take each other for granted if we get married. People behave much better when they are dating than when they are married. Me included. So many people get married on a whim, or for social convention and man, it is hard to get out of! I think you hit it on the head. I have also had the experience of feeling odd at a gathering as the single woman (newly single at that) and it hurt my feelings and makes me want to stay home. Certainly the last thing they have to fear is me after their bag of shit. A friend told me that she thinks that people pull back out of fear that it will be contagious or make them think about the failings of their own relationships. I’m glad you have a gift in your life.
I disagree that the woman ends up with less friends. My ex kept none of our friends after 20 years. I also have no need nor have I in 25 years to get remarried or live with anyone. I have had three long term relationships and had I married when they asked, I would be divorced 4 times by now. I really don’t want to take care of anyone but myself.
I wish I had some words of wisdom to share, or even an explanation of some sort. I’ve been married once (still am) and have no idea if I’d do it again should my marriage end. I expect my marriage to continue until death parts us. I love the security of my marriage and I love that I am his wife…but I also know what a crumbling marriage feels like because I had that too–a marriage destroyed but then slowly, painstakingly rebuilt. I don’t for a minute judge anyone else’s decision to stay married or divorce or never marry. A family member I love and respect deeply is in her 5th marriage and to me, this seems only to be a longing for the perceived security that marriage provides. Can an unmarried couple feel that kind of security? I don’t know, only because I’ve been married since I was 18! Something that gets to me is the superior attitude of some who cannot believe that a long marriage can be a thriving marriage–that long-marrieds must be dull idiots who settled.
You make a wonderful point about assumptions of all sorts, Old Married Lady. A “long” marriage is not necessarily a dull one (any more than those over age 50 don’t have an exciting intimate life!); we make too many assumptions, too many judgments, too many pronouncements. (Does that count as assumption, judgment, and pronouncement?)
Clearly, marriage means many things to many people, but the real tragedy – to me – is when what marriage means to one spouse isn’t the same as it is to the other, and children pay the price whether the couple remains married or divorces.
Personally, I think if we speak about these things and what we learn along the way, we have a better shot at learning to live together in ways that “do no harm” or at least, do less harm. And maybe, if we’re very lucky, do some good.
Thank you for bringing your experience to the discussion. It is very much welcome.
I think there can be great wisdom in the “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” idea as applied to relationships. I am all for the benefits of a committed, mutually nurturing relationship, but I think our need for labels sometimes says more about tradition and habit than it does about genuine feeling.
Ah yes, the need for labels. So right, Kristen.
I really resonated to your words as I’m longing to divorce. My marriage has been unhappy (for me) for years and literally doesn’t meet any of my needs. He’s a nice guy, but with drinking and not working and zero sex, it’s pretty much not a real marriage in so many ways. Anyway, as I contemplate its demise and the whole rest of my life at 60 something, one thing I know is that I don’t want to marry again. I love the idea of PACS, but even better the idea of “I have my place, you have yours.” At this age, without children any part of the equation, why would we necessarily marry? We could actually learn a lot from the French … they don’t have an “end” in mind in seeing someone. Our notion of dating is simply not theirs. That compulsion to pair up and determine from the starting gate that marriage is the necessary conclusion, the end in mind, the logical outcome (or why date?) is absent. They simply enjoy whatever nice things happen within a relationship and see where it leads them. They seem more alive to possibilities and to having multiple interesting relationships at this time of life. Of course, I’m getting these ideas from reading the books of American women ex-pats like Harriet Rochefort and Debra Olliver (both really fun and interesting writers), having no experience with actually living in France, but I like the descriptions I read, and when I think about my future, that’s what I envision. But definitely not re-marriage and no time spent “looking for” another husband. I’ve taken care of one long enough. Freedom sounds delicious to me. Thank you for your thoughtful reflection.
When we’re single, people nudge us toward dating. When we’re happy with someone’s company, people expect marriage. When we marry, people demand a birth announcement. When we have one, they want two.
Seriously, I wish societal pressures were toward happiness.
Find the right friends, and they won’t care about your legal status, your laundry status, or your hygiene status. Barring the extremes, of course (imprisonment, naked, and a week post-shower.)
Your first paragraph sums up the American woman’s experience from age 18 to 35. In my experience.
Smart words.