Why must we marry?
Scandalous little question, isn’t it? Flies in the face of convention! After all, we’re past the 60s and early 70s. We’ve tossed away our peace symbols and sitar music. Am I proposing free love? Romantic anarchy?
Hardly. But in my cozy neighborhood of writing cohorts-in-crime, and we’re a mighty varied group, there’s always plenty to say on matters of the heart, and the heart of the matter is marriage.
And the question is – is it still a workable institution?
Life stage and circumstances
Some of you are in your twenties or thirties, raising children. Maybe you’re still doing so in your forties. I don’t have to explain tedium and exhaustion to you – you’re in the thick of it – muddling through, with good days and bad days, and blurry days during which everything seems to run together.
Some of you are pursuing careers outside the home, with ferocious resolve and fearlessness. Or, you’re searching for love and marriage, or deep inside of both – a bit buried, trying for the elusive work-life balance.
Other options? Perhaps you’re in the throes of divorce, or living out its confusing aftermath. Some of you have raised your children – (insert *sigh* of relief) – and are content in your relationship and proud of what you have accomplished. My hat is off to you, in all sincerity.
And for those who find themselves alone, whatever the reason?
There is regret. There is always regret. There is not always reason. There is also a price to pay – for most of us. That price isn’t gender-specific, though I could argue it’s frequently higher for women, especially as we age. It is a human price – part of living, choosing, learning, and managing the unforeseen as best we can.
Seeking love and partnership
Love is part of the dream. Romantic love.
Come on. Be honest. Who doesn’t desire it, however you define it?
Partnership is a critical ingredient for some of us, a “non-negotiable.” We want grown-up love – not ownership, not child status. We don’t want “perfect” any more than we appreciate descriptions like “good enough,” applied to individuals.
We go by gut and pragmatism, alchemy and calculated risk. We recognize there are no guarantees, and we fall in love – despite everything.
But why marriage?
It’s a fair question, considering the divorce rate – for first timers or those who are considering remarriage.
So why does the taking of marital vows remain the measure of a person’s worth? Particularly a woman’s worth? Why is “divorced” deemed better than “never married” in our unwritten hierarchy of relationship status? Why is “widowed” more honorable than “divorced?” What’s wrong with living together, or some variation of part-time living together?
Fond of fireworks
Fireworks? I’m a fan. I’ve had my share and will again if I’m lucky. I also understand the lulls in any relationship, as well as the highs of emotional commitment, tender friendship, sexual splendor, and intellectual sparring. We crave those elements of interaction, at least some of us do. (Wouldn’t we be crazy not to?)
We also create the illusion that these elements exist where they are lacking.
May I repeat that – for emphasis?
We create the illusion of more than we have, so we may cloak ourselves in an institution that was once about contract and property, the merging of assets, social acceptance, and a safety net. Some would say that nothing has changed. Maybe so. But when the so-called safety net tangles and pulls us down? When it becomes the ball and chain that will sink us?
Yet marriage has changed; we added the myth of “forever love” to the mix. And I must ask: are we truly cut out for this simplistic concept? “The One and Only?” If it were so attainable, then why infidelity?
Why divorce?
Age, stage, and decisions to marry
Of course I’d rather have my coffee à deux; love is delectable, uplifting, energizing. But sacrifice the “self” as payment?
If that is the price – and it is for many – it is too high.
Of course I hold out for emotional connection, steamy sexuality, and mutual respect. Don’t you? I do not put a face to that, nor a specific form. I may not have them all at the same time; life isn’t a movie script. But I have been fortunate in knowing men who meet me in the embrace of this sort of connection, with no need for a document to legitimize what we feel. If reality jostles us, cracks us, and requires us to part – it does so gently and not in entirety. Friendship sustains its hold, and we do not abandon each other.
So what’s up with marriage?
- Why must women, especially, feel compelled to marry?
- Do we really expect a knight, a rescuer, a parent rather than a partner?
- Are we handing over the key to our hearts, or permission to forever lock up our dreams?
I was good at marriage, or something like marriage. But people change, expectations are unrealistic, pressures weigh heavily – particularly with children to raise. Unanticipated events will hit, and hit again, and hit again.
Character is revealed, as are values.
Fatigue has a hand, monotony makes mischief, and it takes two compassionate hearts to honor each other as human, fallible, and worthy; to honor the complexity of the family unit.
Other paths: alternatives to marriage
Life is rambunctious, cradling, jubilant, pocked, peculiar, unpredictable, messy. There are no facile (happily ever after) endings as we might encounter on film or in novels. Nor do we fade to black. We advance, we coast, we retreat, and we advance again. Differently. More cautiously. More stridently. We may seek connection, but fear convention.
What am I saying?
I’m simply not convinced that marriage – as we currently conceive it in this country – is workable, livable, reasonable.
Am I jaded? If I am, it is the result of my experience. Am I hopeful? If I am, it is also the result of my experience. My contradictions coexist; I’d like to think I’ll keep an open mind.
And what has your experience taught you? Must we marry, or can we follow another path?
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You already know how I feel about this. It’s not for everyone, for some, it’s magical. If you’re among those that doesn’t long for wedding bells, you might want to check out unmarried.org (Alternative to Marriage Project’s website). Even if you are among those that want it, you might want to check it out. My deepest regret is not being with my X, but marrying him, and taking on all the responsibilities and obligations that the certificate holds with it.
Having said that, I am also a fierce advocate of the right for homosexual couples to tie the knot, if they’re so inclined.
Life is funny. Our views change and then, change again. As a teen in the mid to late 70’s, I didn’t believe in marriage. I question my mother intently as to why she was remarrying when I was 15. That was probably a mistake.
After college, I got married. I had sworn that I was not the marrying type. Things changed. Circumstances made it the acceptable thing to do.
After my marriage broke up almost 13 years ago, I have come full circle. Want a relationship? Yes. I have put the want in words in that I think we all have that “relationship” component in our “new year’s resolutions.” Want another marriage? Never. I just don’t know that I believe that the institution is the best answer to relationships.
I’ve been through plenty of ups and downs so far in my 12 year marriage. I have been tempted at times to throw in the towel and call it a day. In the end though I keep deciding that, at least for me, the benefits outweigh the sacrifice. I would argue with you about the cost of regret being higher for women. I don’t think that’s true. I think men just don’t express everything they’re thinking for it to become obvious how much they hurt. I know they do.
My grandparents were married for 70 years and my parents are at 40 something now. I’m only at 12. I don’t mind not being as individual as I could be without my wife. It doesn’t bother me that I’ve had to give certain things up. I think it’s because I never valued those things to begin with so I never felt like I lost anything. The only thing I’ve ever wanted is a close family and support group. I don’t want to go out with friends or meet new and interesting people. I know pretty much who I am and what i want. I do admit to being somewhat desirous for more adventure, but I’ll get that eventually when my boys get older and I can take them on adventures with me. And when they move out I’ll still be young enough to do all the things yet unchecked on my list. So, from where I am, my mild confinement is okay with me.
Marriage is not a necessity these days. It’s a formality that people go though out of tradition. But, like with most traditions, people find meaning in it, and I think that’s admirable. If you’re (in the general sense) the sort who doesn’t feel it means anything then you’re probably right. A relationship is essentially what you make of it. Marriage can help people contextualize their relationship or it can be a force for destruction if one or both participants see it as a shackle (I like the ball and chain photo).
That was a really long answer to just say, people find meaning in different things, including institutions that don’t have any tangible relevance.
I disagree with your notion that there’s always regret. There are two sides to every divorce. Sure, there are times I regret that my marriage ended, but there are far more times I know deep down that I am happier and healthier now. As for love – it’s always there if you let it be. It doesn’t require romance. I give love to my kids every day, even when they aren’t with me. If I shop for groceries with them in mind, I’m giving love. I don’t require marriage or even a partner to feel love, give love, and be surrounded by love.
Now then, sex and intimacy? I do need a partner for that!
The jury’s still out for me on marriage again, as you know, but what really I really identified in this post was this:
Am I jaded? If I am, it is the result of my experience. Am I hopeful? If I am, it is also the result of my experience. My contradictions coexist.
I’m feeling slightly a bit of both myself – a smidge jaded and a LOT hopeful, and I think you are dead-on, it IS just the result of experience. I wouldn’t have it any other way though, because my thoughts just challenge me and keep me thinking…and it drives me to figure out what I want. That’s still TBD of course (how fitting, given my blog title, no?!) 🙂
Yes TBD! Absolutely fitting, given your blog name, TBdetermined! (And perhaps that’s the reality for all of us, unless we have a crystal ball.)
*sigh*..I hope its out there. The whole kit and caboodle! The ability to love and be loved, accept and be accepted. grow together and love together forever! I am not ready YET to let go of my belief that with two whole and healthy people marriage could be beautiful! Without that… the whole and the healthy part…it’s so not worth the risk!
For many, that little piece of paper becomes the only thing gluing the union together. Many think that that is enough and stop working in the relationship itself – it just becomes a communal partnership to raise children or consolidate resources. Not that this is not important, but a piece of paper will not glue the love and passion. That has to come from real, honest daily connection.
Marriage to me as a young teen was a fairytale. It ended up being just that! You get what you wish for. I will not say that I will never again marry- but then, on the same breath I dont know that I will find the love of my life again either.
I hold out hope for a grand love, a partner in love, a soul mate. until then, I have love in my life in my family and it is enough.
Many great things to ponder! thanks
Such thoughtful questions.
Do soul mates exist? Is there really only “the one” for you? I believe in soul mates, and I don’t believe in soul mates. I think my husband explained this so well. Forgive me my summary.
Life is like a road. It has many turns. Each decision you make, takes you in a different direction. Thus, there could have been one person, at one time, that was right for you. Yet, that person, or you, made a choice that led you down a different path. Does that mean you won’t ever find love? No. Once again, there are many turns. Many different situations. Many choices. Each of these, provided the timing is right, could eventually lead to marriage. And, if that marriage ends, is that it? No more love? No. Life is a like a road. Choose wisely.
Maybe Ted Olson in Newsweek has a good handle on it:
“At its best, it is a stable bond between two individuals who work to create a loving household and a social and economic partnership…the commitments they make to one another provide benefits not only to themselves but also to their families and communitities. Marriage requires thinking beyond one’s own needs. It transforms two individuals into a union based on shared aspirations, and in doing so establishes a formal investment in the well-being of society.”
I especially appreciate the idea that we need to think beyond ourselves in all of this.
This is wonderful Jeannie. Thank you for bringing this quote into the discussion.
I think it’s time to define marriage again. Back in the old days marriage was known as a marriage “contract” and came with negotiations. Rules, expectations and what each partner was bringing to the marriage were spelled out by negotiators (most often family members.) Marriage is still a contract, legally binding and with one hell of an early termination penalty (divorce is typically hellish and expensive), but we seem to have forgotten that fact. When was the last time a marriage was negotiated, in advance? Do most of us spell out the rules and expectations (being absolutely specific) before tying the knot? Most typically…not, at least not in the way it was back then. Most often, nowadays, we view marriage as a public ceremony of commitment or love and completely forget about the “contract” part of it.
My personal opinion is we need to put the contract back into marriage and treat it as such or we need to redefine the legalities of marriage. I’ve said before, marriage is the only contract that any dolt with the cost of the marriage license in their pocket can enter into but requires a team of lawyers and a ton of money to unravel. I sincerely doubt that I will ever put control of my good name, finances, credit, etc. back into someone else’s hands. At least not without some serious negotiations beforehand – and these days most people seem to view that as unromantic or “expecting to fail”. I guess, in short, we need to remember marriage as the legal and financial contract that it is and start treating it as such. If it were as difficult, time consuming and expensive to get married as it is to get divorced, I suspect there would be fewer divorces, because we would learn things about potential spouses during those negotiations that might not become clear until much too late otherwise.
All that said, I would love to find a true partner to share life with, but I’ll be verrrrrry leary of ever tying the knot again.
Marriage. Sigh.
I’m not one to ponder the big questions, or make sweeping decisions about what is and isn’t right, what should and should not be okay, what’s needed, what’s not. I think it’s just so individual and I feel fine with letting it be that way.
People make up their own minds on these things. From experience. For moral reasons. Out of necessity. Or sometimes, just because it does or doesn’t feel right.
Marriage. I’m happy to be married. It’s a great life I have. I wonder would I feel the same about my partnership if we weren’t married? Oddly, I don’t think so. Marriage for me is a defining commitment that feels right in my life. Do we all need marriage to feel committed to another? No, of course not. Many people live their whole lives in a partnership without saying their “I Do’s.” Do I feel more secure having said those “I Do’s?” Yes. I think I do. Why? Maybe just because I said it out loud. Maybe because other people acknowledge my partnership and thus accept it more. Is this wrong? Do I need other people to validate my relationship? Shouldn’t I be able to feel good and secure with it without others recognizing it as such? Sure. I should. And I probably could. But having witnesses kind of makes it more real. Witnesses at a marriage ceremony. Witnesses in life.
I think that there is much too much emphasis placed on finding your “perfect match” in life. Seeking “the one.” Building a perfect life. Cultivating a movie script world for ourselves. Life is life. Messy. Uncensored. Married or not, I think we would all agree that it’s MOSTLY nice to go through it with someone by your side. After all, we’re human and built for companionship.
The different perspectives are fascinating. We are such products of our dreams, our experience, our upbringing, and even our disillusionment – which may or may not dampen the spirit when it comes to commitment, but deaden any desire for the legal complexities involved.
I love listening to each of you share your thoughts on this topic. Would enjoy hearing from more men – DadsHouse and Steve – as always, I appreciate your input. And Keith – your honesty and clarity is illuminating.