He’s slumped on the couch, head back, feet up, eyes closed. His laptop is nearby, along with cables and cords and gadgetry I don’t fully understand – nothing, next to the devices his friends tool around with.
He should’ve been getting dressed by now. Or taken off – in my car of course.
“Why are you still here?” I ask. “I thought you had a date.”
“She flaked on me. Again.”
So he was stood up. Sort of.
His voice is flat. He seems resigned.
Considering she had rescheduled and flaked on him previously despite one pleasant date, I can’t say I’m surprised. And I will add – whoever she is, I’m not impressed. I doubt my son is impressed either.
Why Do Teenagers Flake on Dates?
My kids and their social lives?
I don’t ask a great deal. They volunteer what they wish, and at this stage there isn’t much I can add to the conversation unless explicitly asked. Long ago we discussed the emotional aspects of dating, the importance of protecting and respecting feelings as well as one’s health, teenage sex at home, and their right to privacy.
But as I see my son’s bewilderment and disappointment, I ask myself why teenagers flake on dates. Are they disorganized? Unable to keep the times straight? Are they impulsively swept off into another activity, and dismiss the impact of pulling a No Show on the guy or girl who’s left waiting?
And as I’m the family bank and every dollar hard won, I resent seeing my sons spend money on dates who don’t seem to appreciate it, or more importantly, them.
Ever Been Stood Up?
I recall the Sex and the City episode in which Carrie is stood up, and it’s a blind date at that. It hurt, leaving her feeling raw and wanting to withdraw from socializing altogether.
Haven’t we all been stood up at least once? Or flaked on, which is basically the same thing?
Speaking of Sex and the City, there was another episode in which Miranda was stood up, though it turned out her date had died that afternoon working out in the gym. They played it for comedy as she says: “No wonder there are no men in New York. They’re dying on us.”
So just how many legitimate reasons are there for pulling a No Show, or a No Show with a call 10 minutes before a date?
Flaking on Online Dates
The blind date dilemma is something else. You don’t know who you’re meeting. You may have a mutual acquaintance. You may be an online encounter finally ready to meet in the flesh.
You – or your date – may show briefly and exit quickly. Does that count as flaking? It certainly hurts. After all, it’s not like it’s someone you really know, right? And something better may come along.
But what about the planning, the preparation, the arrangements, the expense, the anticipation – of the other person? In the case of the single mom, the expense of a babysitter?
Are manners a thing of the past?
It Feels Lousy When Your Date Flakes
For adults, I like to think pulling a No Show doesn’t occur as routinely as it does with teenagers and those in their early twenties, though my own post-divorce dating dramas indicate that plenty of men using online dating will flake without a second thought. I can only imagine the same is true for the women.
I don’t remember being stood up as a teenage girl, but I remember it at 21 or 22 – and I remember it again when I was dating after divorce in my forties. How many times after a fantastic first date with the promise of a second or even a third are we left wondering why he didn’t call or worse why he never shows his face?
I never understood “what I did wrong” and of course I assumed (at first) that it had to be my fault in some way. Then again, I could never fathom why someone might like me or not. Either way, an adult ought to be able to say “I don’t see this continuing” or “I’ve met someone else.”
How to Deal with Being Stood Up
Flaking? Standing someone up? Constantly rescheduling?
It’s a sign of disrespect to the other person – their time and their feelings. It’s also a sign of the culture we live in, less likely to feel bound to keep one’s word, distracted by too many potential choices, and over-scheduled even when it comes to leisure.
But when we’re stood up for a date, we’re left feeling foolish for believing – burned, vulnerable, angry, disillusioned. We may hesitate to make a move (or accept one) when the next opportunity rolls around.
An adolescent, even more so.
My prescription: a little brooding, talking it out, laughter if possible, and knowing we haven’t done anything wrong; the other person has exhibited callousness and bad form. We need to shake it off, listen to our gut, and not resign ourselves to accepting bad behavior.
Teenage Dating Rocks! (Teenage Dating Sucks)
Our kids are smarter and more sophisticated than we were 30 years ago, but they’re no less susceptible to bruised feelings.
And those who do the flaking? Are they learning it from their parents, or is that too simple an assumption? Will they grow out of this dismissive habit, or continue it into their adult lives as long as they can get away with it?
Sure, things happen. But most of the time when someone flakes, it’s due to selfishness, narcissism, thoughtlessness. It may also result from the simple absence of being taught respectful behavior. Couldn’t we model more civil (and honest) interactions? Couldn’t we keep our word if possible? Couldn’t we teach our kids not to take others lightly – not their time, and certainly not their feelings?
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I once went to meet an online guy and he was a no show. I waited for about 10 minutes and left the bar. I felt like he was watching for me and then left when he didn’t like the look. Or just one weird guy, Scared me off online dating for many years. Just tried it again recently and a dismal failure. Back to my friend with benefits. 🙂
Ohhhh… I hadn’t even thought of that scenario, Madge! (And I think FWB works perfectly well for some of us!)
Haven’t we all been stood up, at least once? Or flaked on, which is nearly as bad?
Of course.
Are manners a thing of the past?
For many, yes.
Chalk it up to experience and move on.
Not the best of experiences, Paul. But it does say something about the girl, now doesn’t it.
When it comes to dating someone (or not wanting to date someone) I agree that it would be better to speak up rather than stand someone up. But, it is probably easier said than done – at least, for some people – especially younger people who are still figuring out social interactions within the context of dating and relationships.
As a sixteen-year-old teenager, my husband (who was not yet my boyfriend) stood me up on a Sunday. He left a note in my mailbox, telling me he wouldn’t be showing up for our date. It was Sunday. Who checks the mail on Sunday? I thought I was stood up. I felt stood up. Despite the note, he did flake on me.
What a lovely story, Robin! (Good thing you gave him another chance, right?) Yes, it is easier said than done to just “say it.” We could all do with some basic instruction in direct (but non-hurtful) communication…
I’ll never forget getting a call from my then 15 year old son to come pick him up and finding him sitting on a cement wall outside his high school, corsage he’d purchased from hard work around the golf course still in its plastic box, in his hands. And the dejection in his posture. She’d shrugged him off and disappeared with a group of girls onto the dance floor. Ouch. It was a very quiet ride home because, of course, he didn’t want to talk about it.
Yes it all comes down to civility and it helps, as I told him, to be concerned more with what you think of their behavior, than “what’s wrong with me?” thinking.
p.s.
How have we learned to act – what is our history? Have we flaked? I remember an occasion when I said to a girl I had met at a mixer (as we called them then) that I would write her. I didn’t, basically because her school was at such a distance that any dating would not have been practical. But a memorable factor was that she had a physical disability, and I believe my motive for speaking was to be an encouragement to her. Nice thought, but very poorly executed. Of course that was very short encouragement and I later evaluated this as a learning experience for me. So keep in mind that some folks may be just ignorant, nervous, or inexperienced – don’t take it personally.
Eventually (long after my first marriage, where I was totally ignorant) I reached a point that I could be relatively honest in speaking about when a relationship was or was not working, or about whatever extent it was working and what the prospects might be. I do remember one woman being quite amazed when I said that we needed to talk and I said that our relationship didn’t have any prospects and so it would be best to end it (I put more nicely than this). Of course, she’s a Facebook friend now and we continue to communicate (many years later).
My memory is toast–I have to admit that more times than not, if there’s a flake to be had, *I* am the flaker. I used to be so organized. Nowadays, it seems like I’m always getting something confused.
I’ve been married my whole adult life so dating memories are waaaay back in the archive if you know what I mean. But flaking, I understand this. I don’t think I’ve ever totally flaked on someone but I have been guilty of asking for last minute reschedules. This usually happens when I find myself over-committed…and introvert that I am, I NEED a certain amount of downtime between events. I’ve gotten better at scheduling myself, now realizing that I don’t have to say yes to everything, so this happens less. I have had people totally flake on me and I don’t like it. I mean, geez, have the decency at least to last-minute reschedule me, OK? ~smile~
Regarding people flaking on my kids…that would tend to bring out the mother tiger in me. Barb’s story tore me up, I’m not kidding!
Such an important perspective, Old Married Lady. Our tendency to say yes to too much, even when it means we’re more likely to unintentionally flake.
But I do put the last minute reschedule of mothers in a different “category” – if you’ll excuse what appears to be blatant sexism in my doing so. It is rare that I have encountered a mother (including a mother of older teens like myself) who doesn’t occasionally run into parent issues that require attention, and that means everything else is pushed off the plate or delayed. (Time for me to make my impassioned speech about lack of familial and social supports to aid mothers – working for pay or juggling in the home?)
It has been several decades since I have dated…but I have never been stood up by a man. I can’t say the same for several women in my life. Making lunch dates etc. these days among my acquaintances seems to require scheduling weeks in advance. More than once I have arrived at the designated place and ended up having a solo lunch due to my “friend” forgetting because she was “so busy” and of course, “so sorry”. It makes one feel unimportant, no? So I have dropped a few friends, and also made a habit of checking in the day before a “date” as a reminder.
Interesting distinction, Lunaboogie. I’ve never been stood up by a woman friend, but I will admit that I’ve social engagements rescheduled, and I’ve done my share of rescheduling as well. Not the “so busy” reason, but the kids reason.
I hear you on the “so busy, so sorry” if it’s a friend (and not due to kid juggling). It does indeed make you feel like the friendship doesn’t matter.
Re the woman whom I told that we had no prospects and is now my friend — I think she appreciates the honesty and recognizes that what I said was best for both of us. It’s not necessarily that easy at the time of course, but being honest (in a considerate way) prevents more serious problems at a later date. So none of this ducking and dodging, please. I’ve been on both sides of course, and heard some pretty frank things which helped give the clarity that was needed.
I confess, I am guilty of “flaking” as a way of breaking up with someone without actually ever calling it quits.
And the times I have been honest have not been any better. I remember once telling someone one of the reasons I didn’t want to see him anymore, and he got very offended.
It’s never easy, it always sucks.
But it does remind me of a song: “Tell Me On a Sunday.” It’s from “Song & Dance,” one of the few Andrew Lloyd Weber musicals I actually like!
I have never flat out been stood up, but flaked on, yes and it sucks. Especially when you were waiting in your living room dressed, made up and your bra and underwear match. It’s such a cliche scene that I have unfortunately participated in more often than I’d like.
My mom had a hard time seeing me hurt by guys who weren’t worth it, so I can imagine how frustrating it is to see your son dealing with this. And great point on you not wanting him to spend his hard-earned money on someone with such little regard for him and his time.
I dealt with flaky guys my entire dating life, until now, and am FINALLY with someone extremely reliable. It feels good to know he’s always going to show up, literally and emotionally. : )
Delighted that you joined the conversation, Ella Coquine. “It feels good to know he’s always going to show up, literally and emotionally.”
Such good stuff. So important.
Not to long ago, I met up with a singles group on Meet-up, to see a museum show. About five or six of us were standing around in the museum lobby, maybe 4 women and 2 men. Another man showed up, looked over the offerings, and left. He was old enough to know better.
Jesinalbuqerque, Thanks so much for stopping by!
He checked out all the women and left? Dreadful behavior. How do we teach the next generation to do better than this – or are the pop culture influences already too deeply entrenched?
Such a great topic albeit a tricky one for so many. While I have never been stood up by a date, I did have a long-term boyfriend break up with me while we were at a restaurant (the old Florent for NYers) and leave before our food came. Seriously, how can I ever thank that waiter enough who saw my tears when he brought out both plates and didn’t charge me for either?
And recently, I gave up on a dear friend who was, although often there for me in times of crisis, just insanely flaky on a daily basis. That may sound odd but she would lie about her last minute bail, along the lines of “Oh, yes, well finally I needed to…” only to later admit that she had been more interested in doing something else, with someone else. At 25, I would have maaaaybe tolerated that due to her kindness otherwise but she is 47 and really should know better. And now, so do I.
PS. Happy to see Ella here too (not that I comment enough to merit that remark). One smart and funny cookie at the same time.
He left before the food arrived? Bad form. Very bad form. (Of course – ever been broken up with on email or by text? Equally tacky!)
Ah, the “flaky friend” dilemma. (A subject for tomorrow perhaps?) That one’s such a disappointment.
(And thank you for sending the smart and funny cookie this way, Heather! What’s not to love about that?) 🙂
After a high school reunion, a schoolmate and I made a breakfast date. He’d been kind of a jerk in high school, but we had some catching up to do, this was 20 years later, and he seemed genuinely interested in connecting. I showed up at his house on the appointed morning and he’d already gone to work. It was pretty embarrassing for both me and his wife, who was still in bed when I rang the bell. On the phone he seemed genuinely distressed by the lapse and offered a rain check, but I declined. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice . . .
This is a great topic with great comments. I’m glad I found it tonight. I have finally decided to end an old friendship that has been a source of too much pain. The person always told me it was my problem or I was too sensitive or too whatever, yet I have not had this experience with any other friend or any other person ever in my life; I tend to trust too quickly and believe people, so, yes, I was wondering what was wrong with me…but every time I confronted this person he minimized it or made excuses, or blamed me. That’s adding insult to injury, no matter who’s book you’re looking at; it’s called abuse. I would have ended it ages ago, but he would show up again, saying all kinds of really nice things, like we were the best of friends. What a diabolical mind-gamer. When all the actions are the opposite of the words, you go with the actions.
For everyone who has been stood up or flaked on, that act is a deplorable and horrid thing to do which can wound the soul of another. The act is likened unto a creature so vile, so putrid that rotten garbage holds its nose when the thing walks by. When someone does this habitually, they ought to, as a general reminder to themselves, drink a glass of apple cider vinegar, then some sour milk, a little baking soda, then jump on a trampoline for several minutes and see how it feels. The feeling would be similar to being stood up or flaked on, only not lasting nearly as long. If they do it again, they should have their head shaved and then have a big butt drawn on their head in permanent ink. Then everyone will know. I was gonna say ‘tatooed’ on but this thing doesn’t have spell check.
It doesn’t bother me at all when so-called friends keep flaking or “forgetting”. No, it’s such a wonderful feeling to be left alone, abandoned without so much as an explanation. It’s also nice to have super-sonic lame excuses, like “oops, I forgot again.” or “oops, I pooped my pants.” Come on people….flakers, you habitual ones who will never read this post because you do not care about anyone else- you are too wrapped up in the tiny little lake “me” and someday a big ugly animal is going to pee in it. Whatever you think you are gaining by being a selfish monkey, you will not like the results, if your eyes are ever really opened to them.
I have felt the effect, and I won’t act like it does not hurt like crazy; it does. But I can take the knife out of my heart that someone else put there. I don’t have to hang onto the pain that someone else put there, like I deserve it or something. I don’t hate flakers- but I definitely hate flakING. A wise man once said that a person is only as good as their word….a worthless man never keeps his word.
I am sorry you’ve been on the receiving end of what sounds like a particularly unpleasant version of this phenomenon. You’re quite right. It’s about keeping one’s word – which is about simple respect. Apparently, it’s no longer quite so simple.