You step on someone’s foot in line. It’s automatic. You say “sorry.”
You apologize.
You reach for the same chicken leg on the platter as your sister at exactly the same time. You laugh, and say “sorry!”
You apologize.
But whether it comes to everyday apologies over minutiae or major issues that arise from harsh words exchanged – often, an apology is the last communication tool in your arsenal.
Do you know how and when to offer an apology?
Excusing ourselves is much more than adhering to social convention. It’s about the ability to admit fault, in a formulaic manner or as an act of well-intentioned contrition.
Apologies are Cultural as well as Personal
I used to believe that apologizing was purely an individual issue. A matter of stubbornness if someone refused to say he was sorry. I thought that some of us know how to admit we’re wrong – or understand the necessity of extending an olive branch – and others don’t.
Period.
But I came to understand the cultural component, by virtue of working overseas and traveling a good deal. Admitting fault can be seen as weakness – in business or otherwise – even if over something that might seem to me to be of little importance. In fact, admitting to ignorance may also be seen as unacceptable, which could explain the number of times on one particular trip that well-meaning individuals offered detailed directions which never led to my destination!
I won’t say that apologizing has always been easy for me. I have my share of pride, and apologizing in certain circumstances used to be nearly impossible.
What I realized with the years – and closer observation of others’ feelings – is that an apology is often in order even if only to take partial responsibility for a situation that involves multiple players, multiple reasons, and “imagined” wrongs rather than actual acts.
Perhaps that’s the crux right there. Misunderstandings. “Imagined” wrongs, not to mention confusing backbone for stubbornness, and letting stubbornness stand as an obstacle to conciliatory gestures.
Who Do We Apologize For? Ourselves? The Other Person?
Sometimes we apologize for ourselves. So we feel better. Less guilty.
Sometimes we apologize for the other person. We recognize the hurt we caused; we want to rectify it quickly.
Sometimes we apologize too easily, too frequently, and fall into patterns of the people pleaser. Excessive apologies accomplish little in the long run, and problematic behaviors are never adequately addressed.
Often, we apologize for the benefit of a healthy ongoing relationship. We don’t want the proverbial elephant in the room – so we say we’re sorry to clear the air.
When we recognize that the other person needs an apology, it can be advantageous to offer one. And isn’t that reason enough to consider it?
As a parent, I have learned to apologize to my children when I respond with anger fueled by other worries. Among other things, we expect our adolescents to apologize to us when they step out of line, don’t we? Shouldn’t we serve as an appropriate model?
When I’m in a romantic relationship, I have learned to apologize if my mood turns irritable or my words, too harsh.
By being specific, and explaining what I was thinking, feeling, or assuming, I’m sharing insight with those to whom I wish to apologize. It softens the process for me, as well as enabling the other person to accept the apology more readily – knowing that it’s sincere, and clearing up any assumptions or misunderstandings.
How to Apologize
I find that specifics are helpful when we apologize. If I wish to offer an apology for a stress-induced tone, I might say
I’ve had this deadline on my mind all day, and it’s wearing on my nerves. I’m sorry for snapping at you.
Depending upon the person – a loved one or friend – I may use body language to reinforce my effort at conciliation, reaching out and touching an arm or hand.
Other examples of apologies?
A hug, a kiss, a smile, a simple and heartfelt “sorry.”
So what about the “false sorry?”
I won’t say I’ve never done it. I have. But I choose words carefully as a general rule; I’ll seek an alternative to the inauthentic apology if I’m genuinely not sorry about a situation or action.
- When do you find it hard to apologize?
- Do you apologize when you don’t mean it – to make peace?
- Are you part of a culture that frowns on admitting fault in any way?
I can definitely see where apologizing can be viewed as weakness. But, when someone can’t comprehend that they could possibly be in the wrong, sometimes it’s hard for others to respect them. That person just comes off as arrogant and prideful. Why is it a weakness to admit one is wrong? No one is perfect. To me, there is greater strength in realizing and admitting fault for something than pigheadedly insisting there is nothing to apologize for…especially in personal relationships. Sometimes the feelings of the other person need to trump the fleeting embarrassment of admitting fault.
I think the ‘specifics’ are so important. I find an apology most sincere when a person owns their bad behavior – actually tell me that you know what you did was wrong. Recently, someone apologized to me with the “I’m sorry; it wasn’t my intention to hurt you.” She actually did something intentional that did hurt me. I wanted her to acknowledge that, but she denied it was purposeful (a lie) (maybe this has to do with saving face – a cultural thing – or maybe she just hated getting caught doing something wrong). I had to decide whether to accept the apology as it was (knowing she will never own her bad behavior) or not accept the apology. It was a family member, so for that reason I decided to accept the apology, but with an explanation – sort of a “don’t let it happen again, or there will be relationship consequences”. This is a person that I am trying to set boundaries with.
The times when it is most difficult to apologize are when I think I am “right” about something, but the other person feels wronged. Yes, I will apologize for the sake of relationship. Sometimes, the reality is the other person’s perception of a situation is different than my own. Their feelings are tied to their perception, and so an apology from me is required.
When I apologize, as hard as it is, I not only offer an “I’m sorry” and own my bad behavior – “for snapping at you”, but I ask the person for forgiveness – “Will you please forgive me?” It can be difficult, but when I apologize, I try to make certain that the air has really been cleared.
Good article! Interesting that you wrote about this because my husband and I have been discussing this topic quite a bit given the difficult family relationship I mentioned.
Oh yes. The “asking for forgiveness” element. So important, Robin. And as you say, so hard.
In an effort to adopt an attitude of “letting go,” I’ve probably apologized more in the last few years. In my twenties, pride played a more significant role and now I am learning to be less attached to expectations. It’s definite balance.
I always think of this quote when considering an apology: “Forgiving someone doesn’t necessarily mean forgetting what happened. ” (Dalai Lama).
Wonderful reminder, Rudri.
I think we can only apologize, really, for ourselves. But then, like, what about our children? Can we or should we feel the need or responsibility to apologize for bad adolescent behavior? What about a spouse? Have you ever had to apologize for someone else in those circumstances?
And recently I visited a friend out of state who kept apologizing for things that weren’t his fault or were perceived shortcomings… So much so that I’m on concerned for where his head is these days….
Very thoughtful considerations, Barb. It is strange when we apologize for someone else (do women do that more than men?) – as if we feel responsible for someone else’s bad behavior. Or is it a matter of social etiquette?
Excessive apologizing, to me, says someone is troubled, stressed, or at the very least – extremely tired. A warning sign.
Actually, one thing that was glaring to me on a recent visit back to the States was how often folks apologized to one another. Those many miscellaneous “sorry”s of bumping up against society. Something that truly does not exist here in France. I nearly tripped over a woman at the market this morning as we both turned simultaneously and yet neither apologized. Even “pardon” is not really asking to be pardoned. Here when we stand, we stand because no one likes to feel lesser than another ever. Cultural differences…Wishing you a wonderful weekend, BLW.
A difference I’ve noted over the years, Heather. We have no shortage of sorry “by formule” it seems to me. Empty. You have a lovely weekend, too!