I was fascinated to read this Op-Ed piece in the New York Times by author and sociology professor Amy Schalet, who elaborates on survey data showing fewer American teens having sex at a young age.
The surprise? We’re talking about teenage boys – not girls. It appears they aren’t engaging in sexual activities à deux as early as they used to, and for a variety of reasons.
If I may summarize the gist of Dr. Schalet’s position, whose comparisons on Dutch versus American teens I’ve cited in my own parental musings, our American tendency is to assume that adolescent boys are all about hormones over heart, and raunch over romance.
Go figure. We may be wrong.
Citing the National Survey of Family Growth, Dr. Schalet writes:
In 1988, many more boys than girls, ages 15 to 17, told researchers that they had had heterosexual intercourse… But in the two decades since, the proportion of all American adolescents in their mid-teens claiming sexual experience has decreased, and for boys the decline has been especially steep…
The author goes on to mention fear of becoming a father, fear of AIDS, and availability of online pornography as reasons for this shift. She points out cultural differences in adolescent sexuality (she was raised in the Netherlands), noting that Dutch teens are less fearful about sexual relations.
But here’s the kicker. Apparently, sociological data suggests teenage boys are more interested in emotional connection than we once thought. And this derails the simplistic notion that girls are romantic, and boys are not.
Are we soon to see our 15-year old soccer jocks hunched over their laptops watching Sleepless in Seattle?
Hardly.
I’m not sure that chick flicks are good for women (though I enjoy them); I’m certainly not anticipating that our boys will be addicted to any such glossy view of relationship.
But I do give credence to the belief they care what their romantic partners think of them, and what they think in general. I have no representative sample to offer, but I have spent years watching my sons in their interactions with friends, not to mention the considerable crowds of adolescent boys and girls that gathered in my home over that same timeframe.
There were hook-ups, breakups, dry spells, and even soulful yearning. There were a few notable pairings that reflected genuine commitment and romantic love, exemplifying the sort of relationship Dr. Schalet observes among Dutch teens.
In her commentary, Dr. Schalet also addresses the double standard between the genders – a multiplicity of partners for a woman equals “slut,” while for a man, it attracts kudos and admiration. (Shades of Rush Limbaugh?)
Might this outdated approach be changing – even a little bit?
Likewise, the author sees the potential for a loosening of what she calls “rigid masculinity norms.” And I wonder if we’re seeing this broader range of behavioral standards in our own children – specifically, greater caring and attentiveness from our sons.
On the other hand, should we worry that our girls seem more careless about their sexual attachments?
I can’t say that I mind the thought of our adolescents attempting to incorporate caring into sexual activity. It’s what I encouraged as a parent – at least, I tried – while hoping to be forthright about sexuality as a natural part of our lives in a variety of ways – sex for the sake of it, sex for experimentation, eroticism (of all sorts), and sex with profound emotional investment.
When we’re honest, can’t we admit to the full menu of sensual and sexual encounters from which most adults pick and choose, whether we speak of our movable feasts or not?
Of course, the Approved Preference is to offer the Big Picture American Ideal: Sex with Love. And I’m all for it, but not if it insists we drop everyone into the same slot, i.e. Man + Woman = Traditional Marriage, much too young, much too blindly, and much too often.
Personally, I’m heartened if our teenagers are holding off on sexual exploration a little longer. But I’m also encouraged to think that signs of caring are not exclusive to one gender (I never believed they were).
My hope would be that we open our eyes and our perspectives to the many models for human connection. That includes recognizing its expression in our teenagers – in ways that are respectful, realistic, and yes, even romantic.
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I think girls are giving many more BJ’s than before and getting nothing in return. Did they study that phenomenon? The teenagers think this is not that intimate and the boys are happy to be on the receiving end and the girls are happy to give. Not a great fairness.
I hear you, Madge. I’ve also been surprised (and disturbed) by this trend (if it is one – I have no “data” – only anecdotal impressions). But I share your impression that this may be the case. I’m less concerned with the issue of “fairness” than some of the psychological complexities to do with power, self-image, expectations… not to mention potential health issues. BJs are sex. At least, some of us think so.
And it would make for an illuminating study, you’re absolutely right. (I may poke around the web and see what’s out there on this topic.)
Whenever I’ve given someone pleasure, I never thought I wasn’t getting something in return.
I appreciate any mother who considers raising a son to be courteous and respectful of women. I know in this culture raising children to respect themselves and the opposite sex is tricky. I have raised 3 daughters. One was lucky enough to meet such a fine young man the first night away at college. He has become an invaluable member of our family…best husband, best daddy and best son-in-law. It is wonderful to know his family feels the same about our daughter. Our youngest daughter, now 27, has all but given up on men. She is a romantic…faithful and loyal to a fault. Trusting there is a good one along her path as well.
It’s hard enough to raise kids to respect themselves, I agree, Kristine. And I’m not exactly sure “how” we go about that, other than doing more than giving lip service to small acts of respect in every aspect of our lives and theirs. That’s a pretty general statement, I know, and I imagine each parent finds their way as best they can with each child.
As to partners, I can’t help but think that luck plays its hand in the timing and opportunities…
I’m curious to know how you define “romantic,” or how she might… 😉 So many think that romance requires $$$ whereas for some of us, it isn’t about that at all.
Expectations- I wonder about expectations and if they are realistic on the part of all parties.