This seems to be a cycle I repeat: yes to those I nurture, yes to too many commitments, yes to options of every sort, yes to running until I’m ready to drop.
It’s time to say no to some of those yeses.
More importantly, it’s time to admit that I say no to myself, and I must say no to my no, to make room for my yes.
It’s about change. It’s about transition. It’s about recognizing what is past and also the potential for what is ahead. I am in my own way and I know it, dammit. And that state of affairs, that state of being, that state of self-image must be eradicated.
It’s time for change. It’s time for me to change.
I like to think of myself as willing to take risk, adventurous of spirit, and emotionally open. But I wonder if that’s only perception, and the reality is something more resistant, more rigid, more fearful than I realize.
I am looking inward, but that isn’t enough.
I am setting myself explicit tasks, with aggressive timeframes.
I am trying to get out of my own way.
I am determined to end my cycle of excuses.
Yes, I’m being a little vague and I know it. But meeting change head on is difficult enough; I’ll save the specifics for other days and other times.
I’d be interested to know – among those who read and care to comment – if you, too, are fighting yourself through a time of challenges, of opportunities, of personal or professional transition.
As for me, I’m tired of me. I’m tired of my defenses, my good reasons, my understandable fears, the entanglement in real complications that nonetheless are not so cumbersome that I cannot disentangle.
I’m tired of my own no to what is important and necessary.
Oh, yes.
I tire of my ready excuses. And my myopia that doesn’t see the ways around but focuses on the obstacle.
Yes to change! I hope.
Here’s to appropriate change for both of us, Kate! (Whatever that might mean…) 😉
Yes to challenges in my personal and professional life. I don’t know where to start when it comes to dating after divorce; if one learns from mistakes, I’m going to be a dating guru. Things fizzled with the single mom I met recently, I couldn’t believe the obstacles that came up, not being a “universe” guy it was funny how it appeared everything was against it. We left it on good terms, who knows if something can happen when her circumstances change. To add to the comedy that is my life, waking up this morning undeniably and seemingly permanently single, I made a latte and left the house unshaven to go get a haircut; after that, I popped into a cooking studio to sign up for a course and met a charming and attractive cookbook author. Let’s just say that flirting with her was effortless, we had a lot in common. One problem, she was married and in our conversation, she let me know her husband is away on business a lot, she married young, stroked my arm casually, asked where I lived, let me know that she works near my company and enough questions about my favourite restaurants that she probably could tell you what I order for Chinese (I volunteered that info 🙂 ). I didn’t clue into what was probably happening until I left (yes, I am that dense), I hope it was just my been-single-too-long imagination but that would be an interesting yes-no question.
Fortunately, my professional life has had a serendipitous challenge come up. The economy is changing and my career has struggled with no real path forward (think dinosaur and incoming asteroid in a few years). It turns out another part of the company can’t find people with my skills anymore, the work will be out of my comfort zone so I will be at the bottom of the heap for a while but the chance to work with young people that have crazy goals will be fun. Scary stuff but it’s worth taking the chance sometimes.
I can’t help but smile, batticus. Yes, the post-divorce dating world is quite an adventure. Your amorous cookbook author sounds very interesting. Too bad there’s a marital status problem as an “obstacle” to that particular yes…
Young people with crazy goals? (Smiling at that.) We not-quite-so-young may have crazy goals, too. We’re allowed. We just forget that sometimes.
Wishing you luck, more luck, and still more luck navigating the Dating 2.0 waters. They’re treacherous at times, and surprisingly calm when we least expect. Patience, my friend. (And keep us posted.)
It sounds like you are ready to break free of the excuses that have been holding you back. I don’t mean for that to sound cavalier because I get it. I have been my own biggest enemy, but if we don’t take a risk than we don’t get the big reward either.
I think a lot of us are our own worst enemy… 🙂
It’s a hard lesson to learn, this saying yes to what we really want and need and no to what will be joyless burdens. Having to work to survive makes it much more difficult, but sometimes maintaining sanity and being happy requires that we realize that it’s not only okay to put “me” first, it’s necessary.
I hear you, Carol…
many years ago someone Very Kind suggested we take a piece of paper and draw a line vertically from top to bottom – then write a list of all the people, places and things in our life that we found Draining in the left hand column and Feeding on the right.
you can probably guess what happened.
a Long List on the Left.
much tears.
one name on the right.
the kind person listened to our woes and then laughed at the name on the right.
“you can’t have Noel Coward”
“Why Not?” outraged voice at the ready.
“because he’s dead. and you didn’t know him.”
“he helps from beyond the veil!”
exasperated sigh.
just living people apparently are allowed.
which left us with no one on the right column.
Not the case today.
Many on the right.
Few on the left.
and a general updating of the list from time to time refreshes our life immensely.
just an idea….
waving from manhattan, dear D.
_tg x
You got a laugh out of me on this one, tg! (And without benefit of first of April hoaxing!) An excellent idea. I may try this a little later. Thank you.
After an 11 year on and off again relationship, I joined a dating service for people over 50 (I am 63) and felt it was time to explore it. I paid for 6 months up front so I won’t quit after a month (like I did 15 years ago) and at the worse I will have hopefully funny stories for 6 month and at the best find a loving companion. This time I can take rejection and see the silliness of actually trying to meet a total stranger online and have it be something fabulous. But just like the lottery you can’t win if you don’t play. Okay that was a bad example as the odds are much greater of winning in the lottery, I think. I will be blogging about my dates (if any) and the stories that follow.
That’s a good example, Madge. Sometimes it’s hard to let go of what we have (even if it isn’t working), so we can free ourselves to put effort into something that has a chance of working.
Looking forward to hearing how your dating adventures go!
All the time. When you find out how to stop, let me know!
🙂
Awesome post. Great blog!
Maybe I’ve left this poem here before. I left it somewhere:
Who Makes These Changes
Who makes these changes?
I shoot an arrow right.
It lands left.
I ride after a deer and find myself
chased by a hog.
I plot to get what I want
and end up in prison
I dig pits to trap others
and fall in.
I should be suspicious
of what I want.
— Rumi
I think there is merit in examining just what it is you carry…what fits? what doesn’t? what you can throw out and what you wouldn’t do without for anything. One of the gifts of getting older is not being able to do IT all any longer. Celebrate what matters most.
All good questions, Kristine. As for doing it all, eventually it catches up to us. Perhaps that’s why we reach a point after years of it, that we can’t carry the world on our shoulders any longer. (Not necessarily a bad thing.)
Maybe, just maybe, you could try being unavailable for a week or so – turn off your phone, turn off your computer; just get unplugged. No texting or quick look at your email or FB or Skype. Let the boys know what’s going on and let them know that you will be in touch with them. They will be fine for a few days or even a week. If a week is just too long then try it for two days. Or three evenings a week or whatever it takes for other people to realize that you need downtime and for you to figure out what is important for you to do.
I hear you, Huron. Hard to do, but I hear you. Thank you.
SO understand this. I wonder how often I sabotage myself from attaining my goals. As I grow older, I definitely envisioned myself really working in a focused manner to achieve my personal path. I’ve realized that with other life and family committments this is much harder to attain.