Maybe you’re married – and have been for some time. Maybe you’re in a serious relationship, and it’s good. Maybe you’ve been doing the rounds of dating – a first date here, two or three there, and while it’s fun (usually), it’s also work.
Sometimes, you need a break. Even when the relationship is humming along just fine.
With every pairing, there is investment in time and care, there are compromises, there are responsibilities. There are days you don’t wish to speak but you must (if nothing else, to be polite), days you’d kill for an hour to read but he wants to see a movie or meet up with friends, days you want to hang with the girls (or the guys) – and not for two hours but an entire weekend.
Is it okay to take time for yourself? Time off for good behavior?
When I was married, the hubby traveled – a great deal. When he was out of town, he would combine business with pleasure if possible, and extend a trip through a weekend to meet up with old friends. There were also buddy weekends – generally twice a year – typically spent playing golf and tennis.
Where was I?
I was home. I was going to the office. I was caring for kids.
Taking a Break From Marriage
It never occurred to me until I was divorced that my husband was regularly taking “time off from marriage” – perhaps unconsciously or unintentionally, but effectively, that’s what it was. I don’t find this to be a bad thing per se, except if it’s one-sided, widens an existing gap in intimacy, and possibly, is the preferred way to conduct the relationship – but not by both partners.
My time off?
In theory the man I married thought it was fine. In practice, it never happened.
I admit that some of that was my reluctance to leave two little ones, though for the occasional business trip of my own I certainly did, and usually with the backup of a babysitter because of my husband’s extensive travel.
It’s more than a decade since my divorce and while I have struggled with long distance relationships and find them not to be ideal, they do afford certain advantages – including options for a few days to oneself – if you can actually relax and enjoy them.
In my experience, men give themselves breaks from marriage and breaks in relationships more readily, and without guilt. Also in my experience, women are more hesitant to take time off and when they do, they’re guilty and worried about the consequences of their absence, and the state of affairs at home.
Separate Vacations
As for those long weekends with his friends, I was so determined to never nag and allow him his freedom, I didn’t protest. I wanted my husband happy, and along with the usual “wifely” attentions, his mini vacations seemed to do the trick.
As for us, as a couple, there were no weekends away. There were also no family vacations as a general rule, except every other year to visit the grandparents and cousins overseas, which was certainly enjoyable, but not exactly a relaxing break.
Then again, my spouse added days on here and there to his more exotic trips as well, taking advantage of the opportunity to explore an intriguing locale. And who can blame him?
Except – I was at home, I was working, I was with kids.
The net? Separate vacations for him; no vacations for me. Yet I have only myself to blame; I didn’t protest, and I didn’t insist. Even now I’m not sure what I would do differently other than speak up sooner, particularly as my job was also demanding and didn’t allow for as much latitude as his.
Is Time Off from Marriage a Problem or Symptom?
Looking back I can see our separateness in so many activities as symptomatic of different goals, values, and expectations of marriage. More than that, I’m convinced that during those years I wasn’t much fun. I was tired, I lost my sense of humor, I was always stressed and increasingly resentful of the disproportionate arrangement of responsibilities – logistical as well as financial.
A question of the chicken or the egg? A break in the relationship exacerbating or resulting in the breaking of the relationship?
It hardly mattered; he did his thing, and I was afraid to speak up. And by the time I did, it was simply too late.
Would I have been better off if I’d given myself a break from marriage as well?
Time Off from Dating and Relationships
Since my divorce, there have been periods when I dated on a regular basis, often followed by six months or a year of time off from any sort of dating or mating.
Even in serious relationships, I recognize that I need space – physical and emotional. I would define my preferred paramour proximity as “intimacy plus” – myself as a whole entity, loving another who is equally whole; the two of us together because we want to be, not because we have to be.
- How do you feel about needing time to yourself even when you’re in a good relationship?
- If you’re married, do you take separate vacations? Is it a problem? A pleasure? An emotional necessity?
- If you don’t take time off – or allow your partner time off – is it a matter of jealousy?
- If you’re in the “thick of it” raising kids – married or single – are you more likely to need time entirely to yourself, away from a committed relationship?
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A great post, BLW. Not surprisingly, I recently encountered a situation relating to this very topic. My hubby was telling me about solo trip he wanted to take. My kids are youngish–5 and 8. I found myself getting quite pissy and annoyed that he wanted to take a trip (I usually don’t have this reaction; I believe that every relationship needs spaces–even (or maybe especially) daily relationships).
As my anger rose, I amazingly stopped myself. Asked myself why I was bugged and discovered that I was resentful because I hadn’t been away with *my* friends. And then, I realized, I never *said* I wanted/needed a weekend away.
Duh.
So I said, “Hey! I want to go away for the weekend. By myself.” And my husband said, “Great. Plan it.”
So I did. And it was good.
My biggest lesson (a recurring one for certain) was that I needed to ask for what I needed.
I hear you, Denise. I think many of us (the women) are hesitant to ask for what we want. When we do – and then act on it – it can be great! Thanks so much for weighing in on this one.
Collectively, between my ex and my current husband I’ve been married for twenty-five years. Here’s what I’ve learned over the years: couples who are attached at the hips and say how much they love each other, but don’t leave each others’ sight are scared. I’ve learned it’s healthy to spend time with friends, going away for the weekend with girlfriends, etc. But I’ve also learned you need to spend alone time with your spouse, partner and you need to put work into it. I’ve learned other things that aren’t really related to this topic like don’t sweat the small stuff like wet towels on the ground. The bottom line is live life with integrity to yourself first and the rest will follow.
Michelle, I guess some of the challenge is finding that good balance for the two of you? And if one needs more “self” time than the other?
Wow, this one hits close to home. It never came up until the end of my marriage, that time just before I realized the deep hole we’d gotten into. He said someone told him that was a healthy thing in a marriage, and I suppose it is. Our jobs took each of us out of town once or twice a year, and we always incorporated some weekend where the other spouse and kids came out. It never occurred to me to deliberately plan a vacation away from the family. Maybe I should have…most trips alone left me wandering and slightly bereft. I didn’t quite know how to function without them. My babies. My husband. My loved ones. I’d had my strong and independent days before marriage, and I LIKED my family. It seemed they liked me, too.
By the time I figured out what he really meant and who might have suggested a weekend away from the family, he was taking his vacations one night at a time. And then he snuck out in the middle of the night for a permanent one. No kids, no wifey ever again.
Do I think it’s a healthy thing, separate vacations? Maybe. Do I recognize the need for an identity of my own? Of course always had one; didn’t mean I had to leave my family to get it.
But my compass of trust is forever stuck in some magnetic vortex, I’m afraid. I have no idea if I could behave well if I loved again and he said, “I’m going to take a little vacation with the boys.” I respect those who have that kind of marriage. I thought I had one like that, too. That’s the part that messes this up for me.
It’s such a fine line, Madelia, isn’t it. A bit of breathing space for oneself that may become something else entirely.
My husband travels 50% of the time so I kind know what it was like for you. I think it also has to do with the kids’ reactions: they had a way of making me feel guilty like I was abandoning them… they never seem to mind as much if my husband is away. I have learned to not ask but just assume and tell them when I have something planned. That being said, I still put the kids to bed last night before I headed out to a concert by myself, and then cleaned up the house when I came home at 1:30… Another issue I have is that I don’t have friends that I want to hang out with nearby. That’s why I go to covers by myself now…
You raise some excellent points – the way our children come to expect that we (the mothers, or primary care giver) be there. That does add to the pressure to, well… be there. Especially when the other parent travels.
Another point you make that I totally understand – still an issue for me all these years later – not having friends nearby to do things with. There are times it’s easy (or easier) to “take yourself out” by yourself and for yourself. And other times, not so much.
Great feedback…
Wikipedia: Same Time, Next Year (film)
Same Time, Next Year is a 1978 American romantic comedy-drama film directed by Robert Mulligan. The screenplay by Bernard Slade is based on his 1975 play of the same title.
Plot synopsis
The film opens in 1951 at an inn located on the Mendocino County coast. Doris (Ellen Burstyn) is a 24-year-old housewife from Oakland, George (Alan Alda) a 27-year-old accountant from New Jersey. They meet at dinner, have an affair, and then agree to meet once a year to rekindle the sparks they experience at their first meeting, despite the fact that both are happily married, with six children between them. Over the course of the next two dozen years, they develop an emotional intimacy deeper than what one would expect to find between two people meeting for a clandestine relationship just once a year. During the time they spend with each other, they discuss the births, deaths, including George’s son Michael dying in Vietnam, which changes George politically, and marital problems each experiences at home, while they adapt themselves to the social changes affecting their lives.
YouTube: title song: The last time I felt like this – Johnny Mathis & Jane Olivor
written by Marvin Hamlisch and Alan and Marilyn Bergman
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Getting away can be important. Don’t we all need some personal time to recharge our batteries? I am not suggesting that getting away should involve this, but I did enjoy this film; I did enjoy the love story. Scientists have proven that those who fantasize have better sex lives. I wonder if those who fantasize also have better love lives?
Ah, I recall this film. It’s delightful. And without casting judgment either for or against, I think it shows that people can share all sorts of bonds filled with meaning, in all sorts of arrangements. Life is more often gray than black or white.
I can’t speak from the perspective of a marriage that worked but we often took turns with the kids on family vacations so that each of us could have alone time. We shared many common interests but if there was something that somebody wanted to squeeze into the itinerary, much better to take advantage of the opportunity while you are there. As for separate vacations (longer than a gender weekend), that seems odd to me though if it works for a couple, vive la différence.
We do a lot together — a great deal. Couldn’t stand one of these work relationships where you’re apart much of the time (especially at night). But we each have some of our own activities, and this brings a lot to our relationship. Notably, I remember a couple of times when Fran was working and I had an academic break. I went on three day backpacking trips where I saw no one while hiking. No cell phone most of the time. Fran was “Fine, see you in three days.” I said “If I’m delayed, it might be four, but if not back after that, get someone to look for me.” She says “You’ll be fine.” So we don’t peer over one another’s shoulders, although I’m more concerned for her than she is at night when her volunteer work has her in some high crime areas of the city.
men do seem to always make sure their needs are met, don’t they?? my ex had a whole secret life. i say that i am done with dating, my friends say i’m change my tune. to be honest, i pity any man that would date me. at this point, i would never put a man first, or even second. this valentines day i bought valentines for my kids and my dad and my friends. when i saw women buying things for their men, the thought that went through my mind was: thank god i’m done with all that.
women are caretakers, for children, parents and their men. i look back and think i haven’t been in a healthy relationship. maybe outside my skill-set.